My name is Caitlin and I lost my big brother a little over a month ago. He was 31 years old and was in a single automobile accident. I am having a really hard time but I am trying to hide it. I go to counseling and that helps but I am having a hard time talking to my husband about my grief.
Caitlin, I lost my 17 year old brother last year. He would have been 18 this year and starting college in August already. It is very hard to cope from such a sudden loss. It's been 10 months and I feel like it just happened yesterday. I agree with Jennifer that it's not easy to talk to those who doesn't understand. I hope you will find the help you need. Write in here. Just think that someday, you will see him again.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Like me, you lost your brother (for me, it was a sister) in an unanticipated way. Though it is great for you to seek counseling, please do not be so hard on yourself for feeling grief one month out. That is quite normal. You also should not feel that you should try to hide it. When those moments overwhelm you, take a break away from others. You can explain why later, but allow yourself to feel the pain and process it. I read two wonderful books shortly after my sister died by people who had experienced similar loss, and all stated that the only way to move beyond being controlled by the grief is to allow ourselves to experience it. Be in a safe place, with those you trust, and let yourself tell your brother how much you miss him. As time goes on, your conversation with him will change from I miss you to I know that whereever you are, you want only good for me and will let me feel your presence and your love for me. He can become your counsel---the person you talk to in your thoughts and prayers or when you seek guidance. This is how so many move through it. We will never "get over" the loss of someone. That is a phrase I actually hate. But we can not let it cripple us; think of it as a thing you will always feel, but that you will eventually get stronger to bear. But this is early and the grief is new; it will not be denied. It must be experienced. Friends who know what you have experienced will understand when you need to express it. A journal might help now; it will be for you. You can write about your own feelings, or write as though it is a letter to your brother. Take care and write when you need support.