Passover is coming up.  Every year we go to a friend's place for the first night's seder and have the second night's at our house.  Since it will have only been 2 months since Adam's been gone, my parents decided not have the seder this year and I absolutely understand this.  My problem is that since they decided not to go to our friend's place the first night, I have been uninvited for the first night.   Personally, I think that no matter how hard it might be to be there, it will be worse not being there.  I look forward to this all year.  No matter how I'm feeling or how much I complain about going, I enjoy it.  

My mom doesn' t understand that she's not the only one grieving and my dad supports it.  So next month I get to experience a second loss.   

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Hi Robbyn-

Is there anyway you can still go to you friend's house?  It might really help you and the grieving process.  My sister Lisa passed very close to my birthday and Thanksgiving.  While I did not want birthday celebrations we did still get together over Thanksgiving and Christmas.  No, it was not the same and never will be but just being with others did help.  Lisa loved holidays so in a way it was a tribute to her.

Best,

Karen

i'm going to try but i'm not sure how my family would take it

Might be worth investigating?
Robbyn
this might sound crazy but where do you live? I am hosting my first Seder. I have become estranged from my parents since my brother's suicide. So I am doing the holidays myself with some friends and family. I'm in the south Jersey/ Philadelphia area and you are more than welcome to join us.

Thank you Caryn.  I'm sorry about your estrangement and more so for your brother.  What did you do for your firsts, such as his birthday?  I'm in the Reading area.  I'm fairly certain that 1 of the synagogues holds  a seder each year.  I may look into that but I would rather be with friends who feel like family

Robbyn,

The firsts are difficult but I found the lead up to the actual date worse than the day it self. On his birthday I went to the cemetery and had a cupcake, I sang Happy birthday to him by myself and ate half the cupcake and left the other half on the grave (it was before the unveiling). The worst 1st for me was the day I realized it was 1 year since I had seen him, that was a really hard day. My brother lived in NYC so I didn't see him that often so I knew dates. One thing I do for myself is that if an anniversary or a first is coming I take that day off of work and I give myself permission to have a ME day. Even if it means laying on the couch watching TV or going shopping whatever, I make no plans with anyone, that way I don't have any pressure on myself. Giving your self permission to feel, be it sad or happy or angry whatever but just letting yourself feel those feelings and own them, don't hide them. I can't tell you how many times I just went in my car and screamed, that way no one in my house would hear me.

How old was your brother? Mine was 46, he left a wife and beautiful little boy. Luckily I am really close to my sister in law and even though she has moved to Florida (her family is there) we facetime on the computer at least once a week with my nephew and we hope to go to Florida soon to see him. It's been crazy how much has changed in my life in such a short amount of time. The first 6 months were probably the hardest and then I became estranged from my parents and then it became this huge tangled web, but I realized the more time that went by without seeing or speaking to them the better I felt. My parents were abusive, both physically and verbally and my brother could never break that tie, I truly think he was afraid he might abuse his own son. I decided to face those demons and get therapy. I was diagnosed bipolar (which really was no surprise to me I always thought my brother & I both were) put on meds and feel so much more like I used to.

adam was 34.  he died exactly 3 months before his birthday.  so i think that will make it harder.  he didn't have a wife or girlfriend.  i'm having a hard time with not being able to call or text him.  this is the longest i've ever went without either, even when he was in jail or rehab. 

can't talk to my parents, if it's not all about my mom it doesn't count.  they tend to forget that they had another kid. 

the upshot is is that although i have cried over the last few days, it's not as debilitating asit was. 

i just miss him!

I used to call my brother's cell phone just to hear his voice

 

Everyone needs to do what  is best for them. If this celebration will help you heal. Don't miss it -Luke  22:19

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