A 40 year old orphan? Sounds strange but that's how I feel.
Eleven days after my 40th birthday and two days before Christmas, I held my father's hands as he breathed his last. Then on July 18th, my mother joined him in heaven...four days before her 85th birthday. Almost 7 months to the day I lost two of the people who meant the world to me. I am an only child and it was the three of us who went on family adventures and outings. The three of us who celebrated holidays and ate meals together. Even though I have my husband and two children to support me through all of this, I still feel very alone.
Has anyone else gone through this kind of loss?
My mum died when I was nearly 10, she was in psych hospital a lot so I didn't really know here that well. I still don't really know if she died of accidental overdose or on purpose, and I never will. Then a couple of months ago my dad finally died from his kidney, diabetes and heart problems. We knew he was going to go eventually and I had kind of held back from seeing him much because he was always so awful to me about my life and my long-term boyfriend. We didn't have a good relationship once I left home. He never said he was proud of anything I'd done.
I'm 40 next year. It's too soon to have no family. I was already messed up by not having a mother and now I feel so isolated from everyone; no one can understand how I feel. I don't have any kids and I really only like my sister as far as family members. Some days are okay but today is not good.
There's always that stuff where you wish you'd done something differently. I couldn't stand him telling me how badly I was going with my life, but hey, you know I am sane, I am healthy and I have a loving relationship of 14 years with my boyfriend. He only ever saw the bad side of things for me. I messed myself up badly with pills as a youngster but I got through it. I know I'm doing okay. I just feel so isolated because I have no family or kids and don't want to whinge at people about my feelings. It's ridiculous.
I had to concentrate on my uni work so I put off some of the worst feelings and now they are coming out. I forget that I am grieving too, because I tried to deal with it before he went. But of course I still feel bad sometimes. I have too much time on my hands and get stuck with myself during the day. I guess it would be better if I concentrate on feeling rather than keep it all in. I'm a mess each year around when mum died so I can't have that happen with dad too. Ugh. It all just seems too hard sometimes...but it'll get better. thanks.