Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Tara on October 12, 2010 at 9:04pm

I understand how you feel. I lost my dad 24 years ago and my mom this April. I am 41 and never thought at my age I would have both my parents gone. I have a husband and children too that are here for me but I feel alone too. It is hard when you think that there is no one left who was there the day you were born. I am moving forward however one day at a time. Some are bad very bad but some are better. The holidays coming up will be hard. I am thankful for this board for help.

Permalink Reply by Patricia Cholasta on November 5, 2010 at 9:30am

Hello, My parents died of natural causes on the same day. They were married 57 years. So you are not alone.

Permalink Reply by Kim Marin on November 10, 2010 at 7:25am

I too feel as if I have been orphaned at age 40. My mom died ten years ago and just last month my stepmom and my dad died. I never thought I could feel this alone. My mom died of cancer at the age of 53. I never thought I would recover from her death. She was my best friend. Now, ten years later, my stepmom died of natural causes at 63. When I told my dad that she was dying, he committed suicide. While I have a tremendous amount of guilt, anger and frustration; I am trying desperately to get out of bed in the morning. I have spent the majority of my adult years acting as full time caregiver to all of them and on October 6th my entire world came to a screaming hault. Lorie, I wish I knew what to say, but the truth is, there is nothing that I have found comforting yet. There is something to be said about taking it "one day at a time." I now know the meaning of that and that is all I can do.

Permalink Reply by Reese on November 12, 2010 at 12:28am

I became an orphan by my 38th birthday. I never imagine in my wildest dreams that they both will be gone this soon. Shortly after my 22nd birthday, I lost my mother. She died suddenly at the age of 51. My father lost his 14 months battle with cancer in the spring of 2009. He was three weeks shy of his 69th birthday. When you are a little girl, you have this vision on what your life will be like when you grow up. I always thought that my mother will be there when I get my first house, and have my first child. That never happen but I was blessed to have her see me get married. My mother's death still has a huge impact on me. She was more than my mother, she was my best friend and my hero. I could tell her anything and she always knew which buttons to push and what to do to make me laugh. I think what hurts the most is that my children never had the chance to know her.

I've been affected by both of their deaths in different ways. I blame myself for my mother's death. She died suddenly and all alone. The worse part is that I don't even know what really killed her. My heart aches to think that she suffered in silence. My father had cancer and he suffered all the way right up to the end. I felt a sense of relief when he passed away because all of his suffering stop. I was there for my father all the way up to the end. I made sure that he didn't die alone. I was not only his daughter but in the end I became his nurse and friend. My relationship with my father wasn't a close one. As a child he was never involved with me and for the most part was always absent from my life. It was until he got cancer is when he reached out to me. Cancer not only took my father but in a sense it gave him to me. During those 14 months, my father told me that he loved me and how proud he was of me. This was something as a child that I wanted to hear from him so badly. I am lucky that I was able to hear that from him.

As the holidays are fast approaching, I pray that God will give each one of you the comfort that you need. You are not alone...I am glad that I stumble upon this board too.

Permalink Reply by Vicki Boxell on December 1, 2010 at 2:42am

My mum died when I was nearly 10, she was in psych hospital a lot so I didn't really know here that well. I still don't really know if she died of accidental overdose or on purpose, and I never will. Then a couple of months ago my dad finally died from his kidney, diabetes and heart problems. We knew he was going to go eventually and I had kind of held back from seeing him much because he was always so awful to me about my life and my long-term boyfriend. We didn't have a good relationship once I left home. He never said he was proud of anything I'd done.
I'm 40 next year. It's too soon to have no family. I was already messed up by not having a mother and now I feel so isolated from everyone; no one can understand how I feel. I don't have any kids and I really only like my sister as far as family members. Some days are okay but today is not good.

Permalink Reply by Reese on December 1, 2010 at 8:41pm

Vicki
I'm sorry to hear that you are having a bad day. Yes, there will be bad days but the good days will follow. Please know that your feelings are normal and never deny yourself from grieving. Never let anybody tell you how to grieve either. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It's a personal journey for each one of us. However, you do not have to travel down this path by yourself. I'm glad that you reached out to this group. Do you realize how courageous you are? By disclosing such intimate details about your grief with others whom you have never met. I also find you to be compassionate too! My dearest Vicki, you are a warrior. You will survive this ordeal and most important you are not alone. There are times where I ask myself: Why can't anyone see that I'm so miserable? Maybe, I'm just invisible. Do you feel that way too?

You mention about your distant relationship with your father. My father didn't earn the father of the year award either. He was very emotional detached from me. It wasn't till he was sick before he reached out to me. I use to try to analyze him. Why was he that way? Gee, it must be because I didn't do something right or didn't deserve his attention. Wrong! It's because he was battling a war within himself. I learned from his mistakes. I told myself that I wasn't going to wait until I'm on my death bed before I tell my closest friends and family that I respect, appreciated and loved them. I also found that writing a journal helps too.

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light." by: Helen Keller

I'm here if you ever need support. Many blessing to you and may you find some sunshine tomorrow.

Vicki Boxell said:

My mum died when I was nearly 10, she was in psych hospital a lot so I didn't really know here that well. I still don't really know if she died of accidental overdose or on purpose, and I never will. Then a couple of months ago my dad finally died from his kidney, diabetes and heart problems. We knew he was going to go eventually and I had kind of held back from seeing him much because he was always so awful to me about my life and my long-term boyfriend. We didn't have a good relationship once I left home. He never said he was proud of anything I'd done.
I'm 40 next year. It's too soon to have no family. I was already messed up by not having a mother and now I feel so isolated from everyone; no one can understand how I feel. I don't have any kids and I really only like my sister as far as family members. Some days are okay but today is not good.

Permalink Reply by Vicki Boxell on December 2, 2010 at 3:48am

There's always that stuff where you wish you'd done something differently. I couldn't stand him telling me how badly I was going with my life, but hey, you know I am sane, I am healthy and I have a loving relationship of 14 years with my boyfriend. He only ever saw the bad side of things for me. I messed myself up badly with pills as a youngster but I got through it. I know I'm doing okay. I just feel so isolated because I have no family or kids and don't want to whinge at people about my feelings. It's ridiculous.
I had to concentrate on my uni work so I put off some of the worst feelings and now they are coming out. I forget that I am grieving too, because I tried to deal with it before he went. But of course I still feel bad sometimes. I have too much time on my hands and get stuck with myself during the day. I guess it would be better if I concentrate on feeling rather than keep it all in. I'm a mess each year around when mum died so I can't have that happen with dad too. Ugh. It all just seems too hard sometimes...but it'll get better. thanks.

Permalink Reply by Reese on December 2, 2010 at 7:07pm

Certainly there are times in everyones life where he/she wishes that they either said or did something differently. We all have made our share of mistakes in life. It's called being human. I applaud your sobriety. I firmly believe in the old saying, "Don't throw rocks at glass houses." Try not to beat yourself up for past mistakes. Perhaps, it was fear that your father felt and instead of conveying it in a positive manner, he did it in a negative way. Maybe he was overwhelmed with the fact that he was now a single parent raising a daughter. Please don't misinterpreted my intentions because I certainly don't agree with any parent being vicious to their children. I'm merely trying to help you to see it from another perspective.
It must have been so difficult being so young losing your "mum". There must be so many unanswered questions that you have. I was only 22 when my mother died and I have unanswered questions. I've had some serious medical problems in the past and knowing my family history would of help me out. My father was totally oblivious to any family history. I remember laying in a hospital bed and doctors kept repeating the same questions over and over to me again. At one point I looked up at them and said, "Hey fellow it's my legs that doesn't work, my mind is sharp." "For the thousand time, I don't know what my family medical history is." It took a year for me to get properly diagonsis and to somewhat recovered.

Soon, it will be 18 years since her passing and there are days were I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry my eyes out. I still hold myself responsible for her death. She use to tell me, someday I die and nobody will know it. Needless to say, that's excatly what happen. My grief didn't rear it's ugly head until months after her funeral. My friends don't realized that it's the days,weeks, months and years that follows the funeral is when you really need your support. I feel like a burden if I tell them that I still yearn for her smell, touch etc.. It's not their fault because they haven't experience this. The night time is the worse for me because I work all during the day and after dinner & homework is done, I'm left with my thoughts. Sleep doesn't come easy for me. Yes, I still have a lot of work ahead of me in the grief department.

"Grief comes in unexpected surges..mysterious cues that set off a reminder of grief. It comes, crashing like a wave, sweeping me in its crest, twisting me inside out.. then recedes." By: Tony Talbot

I guess this quoute suits me today. You see, my father has left some unfinished business that I got stuck into cleaning up. It's a nasty complex situation. I'm so angry at him because it is something that could of been prevented. No child should go through what I'm dealing with now.







Vicki Boxell said:

There's always that stuff where you wish you'd done something differently. I couldn't stand him telling me how badly I was going with my life, but hey, you know I am sane, I am healthy and I have a loving relationship of 14 years with my boyfriend. He only ever saw the bad side of things for me. I messed myself up badly with pills as a youngster but I got through it. I know I'm doing okay. I just feel so isolated because I have no family or kids and don't want to whinge at people about my feelings. It's ridiculous.
I had to concentrate on my uni work so I put off some of the worst feelings and now they are coming out. I forget that I am grieving too, because I tried to deal with it before he went. But of course I still feel bad sometimes. I have too much time on my hands and get stuck with myself during the day. I guess it would be better if I concentrate on feeling rather than keep it all in. I'm a mess each year around when mum died so I can't have that happen with dad too. Ugh. It all just seems too hard sometimes...but it'll get better. thanks.