So I am 17 now, and I moved out of my mother house about a year ago to stay with an aunt. I had more prospects moving elsewhere so I moved. And I lost my dad who cared for me my whole life when I was fourteen, see he was a single parent. My mother took to do with us when she wanted a pick up. To be loved, she was a lonely misunderstood women that was mentally ill and the doctors could not help her but in turn she did not know how to be helped she'd lost her way.

So my dad was the only one that was stable and there for me and my older sibling, we loved him so much he did everything for us, even though he suffered from schizophrenia which is a really difficult thing to deal with. Eventually it turned into bipolar and he would go manic and we'd have to go and live with my aunt for a while but he wanted us back as soon as possible and it was hard for him to let us go. 

It was all to much for him this world, so he hung himself 24th August 2009, I did not know the means of his death I assumed that for my bad behavior it was punishment from karma... but well it was many things and I try not to think I am the reason he took his life. 

So after that we went to live with my mum that was majorly depressed after losing my dad, for he was her bestfriend. She took it hard that we barely had a chance grieve, just  low feeling instead and low self esteem took over.  So after all that my mum finally cracked after me and my sibling moved out, me first then my other sibling she was far to much to handle. I loved her to bits and all I ever wanted was to feel loved by her but she spread her love to the people that could not care less for it. I can understand now that she was lonely but I would have helped her all the way to fulfill herself but there was no way she'd change. 

So my mum hung herself July 23rd 2012, that was the second attempt of suicide that is what makes it all hurt so much more. She overdosed on strong pills... took two hundred and did not die, recovered after about four heart attacks and then went and did that when everything was looking promising. 

So I went down to the funeral this time and said no, I will not cry and I will not wear black because no matter how much it hurts me! and those around me she's free! At long last they were both free from the reclaims of this world. So I normally do not think about anything of this but it plays at the back of my mind all the time, it feels horrible. I was becoming happy and full and my mum did that and all I want now is a hug from her and to her voice again and never again will I hear it. I have forgot my dad's voice. 

And now I know that my mum and dad and stepdad were planning on doing it all together... it just did not turn out that way.

So now I wonder, this sounds stupid but is it exceptable to be sad?