This is a forum for those who have been affected by a loss from a murder/suicide

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Advice on Getting Through Trial

Started by LaurenS. Last reply by LaurenS Apr 7, 2014. 2 Replies

I had a black dog, his name was Depression.

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My Son my only child taken ?

Started by lorraine kelly. Last reply by Bera Jan 26, 2014. 1 Reply

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Comment by Margo powell on November 15, 2013 at 2:24pm
Kim, I am happy to see you have people who support you through this ordeal. It's hard for others to understand how this could happen but it appears your father wanted your mom and their dogs to all go together into the after life. In that respect there sees to be a real element of love. It's encouraging that you have been able to put it into a healthy perspective. May your Mom, Dad and their Dogs rest in peace until you are all together again! Blessings to you and your brother!
Comment by Margo powell on November 5, 2013 at 11:53pm
Hi Kim
These Legacy Connect sites will help you find some amazing caring people who have gone through similar experiences. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Do you have any siblings? I hope you have a strong support system. Donna Padilla has a page for those who have lost loved ones to suicide. There are many wonderful supportive people on her page. It seems to be more active than this one.
Comment by Erin F on November 5, 2013 at 11:20am

I am so very sorry Kim. It is really helpful to talk to others who have been through similar experiences. It helps so that you don't feel so alone and know that others feel what you have felt or feel now. I also am seeing a counselor and she helps me to put things in perspective. Deaths like this make things much more complicated and I believe harder to go through the grief and all of the feelings that come along with it.

Comment by Erin F on October 16, 2013 at 8:32am

Lisa, please share here what a wonderful person your nephew was. This is a safe place to do so. Luckily, I still have family and friends who haven't abandoned us and my brother. Although there have been some. This situation is so complex, the grieving is different I believe from a death of natural causes. There is much anger, even on my side, towards certain people... But nothing changes who my brother was to me, the son he was, the father, the friend...

Comment by Erin F on October 16, 2013 at 8:30am

For service we had for my brother was by word of mouth as well. Many people showed up. I agree with you Lisa, they were so much more than who they "were" on that tragic day. They were loved and loved others. I'm sorry there were threats. Thankfully we did not hear of anything like that ourselves. Everyone is a victim in these situations, everyone has a right to their grief, to heal, to do what they need to to lay their loved one to rest.

Comment by Rebekah West on October 15, 2013 at 10:03pm
We had a similar situation with my father, we had a private service that we only let people know about through Word of mouth, and we also were surprised at how many showed up. It was like a typical funeral otherwise, which looking back was in part my family denying the nature of his death...
Comment by Lisa on October 15, 2013 at 9:34pm

Erin - We had a memorial for my nephew and his two sons (who were victims), we had it at an out of the way church, which was actually a monostary and the monks who we explained the situation welcomed us with open arms.  We thought it would be small and did not publish it, only word of mouth and over 200 people were there.  It was still intimate, and it was cleansing to know we put their souls to rest.  We did not publish anything until after it was done, as we received threats from his girlfriends family (also a victim) to destroy any memorial we were to have and later found they truly did have a group of 40 plus people ready for when they found out.  We were banned from my nephews son's funeral, so it was a way to share loving stories of the man he was for 25 years not what he was on that tragic day.  You may be surprised of the support you receive for the memorial, but would say to have it, you all deserve to mourn and celebrate the person he was.

I still find it hard to talk about him to others, not because I am ashamed, but do not want the backlash when I say what a wonderful person he was, response is always how can you say that when he took his whole families life.  I don't think it will ever get easier.

Comment by Bera on October 15, 2013 at 8:57pm

I called my 20 year old cell phone today while getting in the car. I pretend he was wearing his headphones and would not answer his phone.

Comment by Tamara Ferguson on October 15, 2013 at 2:28pm
Thank you Erin for the words of encouragement. I plan on having a low key get together, maybe in the mountains, with family members having their turn on sharing a memory or thought about my uncle. I would also like to have a moment of silence for my aunt. Would that be inappropriate? Is there anyone here who would like to share their memorial service experience? I think the feedback would be helpful in my planning.
Comment by Erin F on October 15, 2013 at 9:19am

Tamara, you also suffered a loss. Despite the circumstances, you lost your loved one too. It hurts everyone. You are victims as well. I think you and your family have the right to have a memorial for your uncle. You are suffering too. There is a way to do it to help you grieve while also not offending the aunt's family. Follow your heart and do what you have to to help yourself heal. It is not black and white, your uncle wasn't a loner without family who cared about him (obviously). I think you should have a memorial, if certain family members do not want to participate, that is on them.


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