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murder/suicide

This is a forum for those who have been affected by a loss from a murder/suicide

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Comment by Tamara Ferguson on October 15, 2013 at 3:03am
I just lost my uncle and aunt last week. Can anyone give advice on how or if we should have a memorial? We did not attend my aunt's funeral because we were trying to be respectful of her families feelings given that she was the victim. Many in my family do not want to have a memorial, but i feel that it is an important step in the grieving process. Any suggestions?
Comment by Erin F on February 15, 2013 at 10:00am

Rebekah and Lisa,
Thankfully the news stayed away from us, although I'm surprised they did. What you said, that your dad was so much more than what "he did" resonates with me. My brother was so much more than "who he was that day". He was so smart. He was 8 years older than me and was like another father figure for most of my life. We were a small family of four, he my only sibling. He meant the world to me and I never thought I loved anyone more than I did my big brother until he had his three daughters and I became an Auntie... This happened in December and it feels like this doesn't get any easier...

Comment by Rebekah West on February 14, 2013 at 10:59pm

Thanks ladies. I also remember. That first week or so, I felt so alone and hunted. We could not even go home the first few nights, as there were reporters camped out there. That trauma seeled me in from talking about it for so long. I thought that the only thing people wanted to hear from me would be "why". But I did not know, and still don't. But as I have talked more, more people than I ever thought are sympathetic. They don't get it, but they don't condemn me either, and that has healed me more than anything else.  

Comment by Lisa on February 14, 2013 at 7:56pm

Erin F.,

Thank you for your comment.  I lost my nephew as well in a murder/suicide which he was also the 'perp', it will be two years in May.

Until you are living this, in no way can you understand.  I too judged people who did this, but unfortunately I now know that they are/can be ordinary everyday loving people that something happens to their soul to cause them to do this.   I find it very difficult as no one ever asked how you are doing, never.  We lost an entire family in a day and it feels taboo to every show any emotion about it to anyone other than my immediate family, and even some of those just could careless, they don't want to hear it nor would/do they even acknowledge it.  I will NEVER pass judgement on anyone as I do not know what happened in their life to be pushed to do such a tragic thing.

So many unanswered questions will remain unanswered.  I tried to find a support group locally to try and deal with it all, so I could better help my Mom and sister (his Mom) try and deal and work through this, but there just isn't anything out there.  Afraid to go to a suicide support group as once they know he was the 'perp', I don't want to deal with the judgement that comes with it.

So I thank you Erin F. and everyone else for your comment as it shows me that there are others out there who are dealing with the same feelings that I have that understand what the family left behind of the perp is dealing with.

I too lost an entire family, a nephew who was like a little brother and his entire family, I lost them too, but feel like it doesn't count, that I have no right to grieve, but I do, we do.

Thanks for letting me share.  I hope maybe this site will become more active not because of more tragedies, but that more people are willing to share and help eachother.

Comment by Erin F on February 14, 2013 at 8:13am

Hi Rebekah,
I read your comment about losing your dad as the perp. in a murder suicide. It really hit home with me. I lost my brother ("the perp.) the same way.  Before this happened to me, I would hear of these things happening on the news, and it never occurred to me that the perp. in these instances had families too. For some reason, I thought they must have been lonely, disturbed people with no family.

Well, I learned in a bad way how untrue that is. My brother had a hard separation from his wife before this happened. I want you to know that I "get it" and you can private message me, maybe sharing our stories can help us heal, even if just a little bit.

Comment by Rebekah West on January 20, 2013 at 2:20pm

I'm sorry. I think sometimes when you lose someone they way, the anger is so strong that people just want it to go away, and so they pretend that the person wasn't important to them. I remember telling my mom that Dad had died years before, and so I didn't care now. This was after he first died. It wasn't true of course, I was just so angry at him, that erasing him seemed like the appropriate, and only, way that could punish him. Please know that you can talk about TJ here, and that people grieve differently and your family may come around.

Comment by Rebekah West on December 6, 2012 at 4:47pm

Hi. It doesn't look like there are many people here, but l'm glad to have found this place. On Sat, it will have been 14 years since I lost my Dad. He was the perp in a murder-suicide at his work, but he was also so much more than that. This has been a hard week, and I am only slowly coming to grips with the idea that that can be ok, even after all these years. I hope to have someone to talk to , who "gets it".

Comment by Margo powell on November 3, 2011 at 4:19am
Hi,

It doesn't look as though this is a very active site but I would like to ask a few questions of those affected by murder/suicide.
My sister's friend's nephew ( a young man) was recently killed by another guy that had dated the girl that started seeing the nephew.
I hope that makes sense. Sort of a love triangle. The girl escaped during the incident. The old boyfriend turned the gun on himself after shooting his rival, so to speak.

I thought suicide was about the worse thing a surviving family member could ever experience because there is so many questions, guilt and shame that accompany such an act. How does one ever reconcile a murde/suicide and put things in some sort of perspective which allows the survivors to live a happy life without the grief totally destroying them. I suppose we are all wired to overcome whatever life throws at us. I would appreciate any perspective on this from anyone personally affected by a murder/suicide. Thank you!
Comment by SUE on March 25, 2011 at 12:41pm
Today was Kays birthday. I remember her 50th like it was yesterday. Kay didnt want a big party or made a fuss about. Only we her family were there and 1 close friend. At her funeral however there were many, I kinda wish she had that big party now...
Comment by SUE on March 25, 2011 at 12:41pm
Today was Kays birthday. I remember her 50th like it was yesterday. Kay didnt want a big party or made a fuss about. Only we her family were there and 1 close friend. At her funeral however there were many, I kinda wish she had that big party now...
 

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