Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Darlene VC on April 19, 2010 at 7:28am

Hi Jan,
I just read your story :(
I hope you're doing OK.
I've gone through the same thing 3 times since 2001 with 3 of my babies. Mine are cats, we lost our very first baby, Hal, in 2001, Harry in 2005, and Jackie just over a year ago.
We have 2 cats now and they help me so much when I still have periods of grief. I know exactly what you mean when you mention your other pets are grieving too.

One thing I want to ask right now is did you put a memorial for Maci in your local newspaper, I did that for mine and found that it helped just writing each one (I sobbed while composing them each time but releasing my feelings helped) and seeing the memorials in our paper also helped. Our newpapers gave me laminated copies which I cherish. I attached a photo of the 1st memorial I wrote back in 2001 for my baby Hal, I hope it shows properly and isn't too tiny to read.
I have a poem I also read from time to time when I'm feeling down and it helps:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the snow on the mountain's rim,

I am the laughter in children's eyes,

I am the sand at the water's edge,

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle Autumn rain,

When you awaken in the morning's hus...h,

I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight,

I am the star that shines at night,

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there, I did not die.

I hope this doesn't add to your pain, and I hope you see this, I have more I would like to let you know, and will post again shortly.
What doesn't help me is people who say I have too much empathy and cared too much for my pets just because they weren't "people". Don't listen to anyone who talks like that because they don't understand and they have no empathy.
Talking to people like you helps me so much.
Darlene

Permalink Reply by Jan on April 19, 2010 at 6:12pm

Darlene,
Thank you so much for your wonderful reply, It really has helped, I never thought about doing the Pet Obituarie in the local paper, Can this be done online with Pennlive.com? I will defitenly do this, even though its almost a month later, My family and I are also going to have our own memorial for Maci.
I have been in so much pain and my mom too, we wanted to wait a little before we had this.
I loved your poem, I printed out you entire reply and Hals obituarie. It came out very clear and readable, I want to copy it for my mom when I go visit her next Sunday.

I started writing the day I lost my Maci, I had to take off work that night, I was that hysterical and I even had to call my family dr. to give me a script to calm me down, I thought I was having a breakdown. I live alone so I had to deal with this horrible pain on my own. When I did call my mom and daughter, I would cry so much it just made it worse. Then to watch my other 2 dogs and cat greiving as they did, made it even harder. It took them about a week to realize Maci is not here anymore. I sat down on the floor with them and read them my poem I wrote, I titled it "Stairway to Rainbow Heaven" In memory of Maci: That really seemed to comfort us all.
I took alot of photos of my pets during the greiving period they went thru. I never knew how much a loss of another pet effected them also, since I have never been thru this myself.
My Daisy Mae (Jack russell-Shitzu) took it the hardest, she actually got up on my bed and pulled down this black stuffed cat that I kept Maci's Mickey Mouse sweatshirt on and pulled it into the dog bed and cuddled up to it, then my Hugger (chihuahua) cuddled up to the cat on the other side. The stuffed cat looked so much like Maci, its is all black and fluffy and the size she was. They still have the cat in their dog bed. I will keep it there, it seems to comfort them.
Daisy Mae also went under the bed and got Maci's dingo bone she hid and brought it out to the living room and put it up on the recliner with her dingo bone and layed right beside it. She would growe at my cat and me if we even went near the chair,
I just wanted to share these thoughts with you, you are the 1st reply I received. I am glad to know I am not the only pet lover that took this loss so very hard.
I know what you mean about other people that have no empathy as we do. I had several people at my job comment, "why are you so upset, it was just a dog, " That went thru me like a knife, My pets are the love and joy of my life,
I have to go to work, I work nights, your kindness has helped me so much. I wish there was more people out there like you, it would make the world a better place.
Post me when you get time, I would love to stay in touch with you, and I will copy you on my poem "Stairway to Rainbow Heaven" when I put the draft into a original and I also want to put a photo of a rainbow on the front above the title, I would love to get a photo of a real rainbow, I almost had one last week after the storm, missed it by about 30min. I will keep on trying to get a real photo,
God Bless You
Jan

Permalink Reply by Darlene VC on April 20, 2010 at 6:56am

Hi again Jan,
I was so glad when I saw your reply, I wasn't sure if you'd know I had posted a response to you, and I would love to stay in touch. I don't have anyone else who understands except my husband. What you said about me was so nice, I'm so glad I found your post here because you're so kind and you understand what I went through, as do I understand what you're going through.
I think everything you mentioned that you're doing is wonderful, and I'm glad I was able to give you some more ideas. I think your plans to have a small memorial is wonderful: that was something we wanted to do but couldn't because the pain was too great, and my husband lost his dad right after Hal. I've read that we should have had a memorial for Hal, a lot of things I've read say it does help.
I took a look at the Penn.live website and there's a section in the classified ads under Pets to add Pet Obituaries, so I think that you should be able to use that site. Don't feel bad that you're doing this a month or so after losing Maci, it look us a lot longer to write ours. Even now when I read it, it makes me cry.
I had such a hard time dealing with each loss of our babies. When we lost our first one, Hal, we were so devastated, I remember it like it was yesterday. My husband and I had Hal since he was a baby, and Hal was the first pet my husband ever had, Hal came into our lives 3 years after my husband and I met. What happened to Hal reminds me so much of what happened to Maci: Hal was 15 years old and in perfect health. At the end of Sept that year he suddenly stopped eating and we weren't sure why, and when we held him we noticed one of his front teeth was bleeding. so we just thought he couldn't eat because his tooth was really hurting him. We took him to the local vet, which couldn't have been a worse thing, the guy had zero empathy for cats, which we didn't know until it was too late. He examined Hal and did an x-ray, and said Hal was in critical condition due to renal failure. He said there was nothing we could do and kept Hal in the hospital for a few days on IV fluids (we didn't know until it was too late that there was more he could have done and he didn't bother because he didn't care). He sent Hal home with us after a few days and said Hal was going to die. I had to go on anxiety medication then. We felt like someone had put a knife in our hearts, we were still convinced that he only had a sore tooth and couldn't handle the reality of what was happening. Hal got so much worse over the next few days that we knew what we had to do, even though we had still convinced ourselves he would get better, but he didn't :( . We stayed up 24 hours a day with Hal for the last couple of days holding him, we took turns trying to have short naps but couldn't sleep. I remember that horrible day when we ended up having to go back to the vet. It was like I was in a trance, and my husband was able to hold it together enough to ask for a different vet. Luckily we were helped by a very kind woman who helped us say goodbye. She was so nice. When it came time to help Hal go to Heaven, my husband couldn't bear it and had to leave the room. I held Hal in my arms and the vet helped me through it.

Afterwards my husband and I took a long walk, it was fall and the trees were so beautiful, they were all shades of orange and red, and it was really warm outside, which was unusual for October (we're in Canada). I remember that walk like it was yesterday and can still picture the beauty of the trees. I missed 4 days of work during all of it. When Hal passed away, that was the first time my husband ever cried, and we held each other and cried for days and days. Talking about it to each other helped so much. At that time people at my work, and my family acted like they understood a bit what we were going through, but I don't think they actually did. We had Hal cremated and got a beautiful urn for him, and made a special shelf in our living room for his urn and all his favorite toys and the little blanket that held him during his last days.
Our other 2 babies at that time, Harry and Jackie, both got so sick after Hal passed away that we had to take them to the vet, that part was really hard because we couldn't handle going back to that place, plus we were so worried there was something wrong with our babies. It turned out to be anxiety and they were treated for that, and were okay after awhile after they had time to grieve. They were both so close to Hal, he was their best friend and looked after both of them like a mommy. We held them both and talked to them just like you did, and they grieved with us.
After a few months when the pain had eased, we put the memorial I showed you into the paper, and we put together a photo album of Hal, and also wrote a list of our favorite memories: all the funny things Hal had done over the years, and all of his nicknames (he had lots of them).
I can't talk right now about losing Harry and Jackie, because writing about Hal has been really hard and made me cry, but this helped me because I don't ever want to forget him and at times I feel like I am, but then I look at photos of him and our special shelf. We have videos of him too which we watch on his birthday, and that helps. I can't talk right now about losing Harry and Jackie.
I'm so glad that you have your family, that is so important, and talking or writing about it helps, and I can't wait to read your poem.
I was thinking about what we each wrote today, and I looked on Facebook and found something really good that someone had written, it's about losing a cat but I think it applies to losing any pet, here it is, it's called
"What's the big deal?":
****************************************************
"It was only a cat. Get over it." Most friends will not be crass enough to voice this opinion, but you can still sense the unspoken words in some.

Here are some Dos and Don'ts for helping to ease the pain of the loss of a cat:

* Do: Allow yourself to cry. Holding back the tears will only stuff all that emotion inside, where it will fester until it surfaces again at unforeseen times.
* Don't: Try to tough it out alone. If you have children, don't feel that you have to be "strong" for them. Sit with your child and say, "I'm sad because Tuffy died, aren't you?" and let the conversation go where it will. You'll not only help yourself, but also you will help your child develop coping skills
* Do: If you are of a creative bent, create a memorial album for your departed cat, or make a 3-dimensional shadow box with memorabilia of your cat. If your talent lies in web design, create a memorial site for your cat. Some free servers have user-friendly tools that "walk you through" creating a page. Or, send a photo to your About Cats Guide for the Memorial Photos Album on this site.
* Do: Talk to an empathetic friend, preferably one who loves cats as much as you. If you don't have any close friends or family members that you feel would understand, visit the About Cats Forum. We have a special folder for Support and Encouragement, and everyone, old or new members alike, draw an enormous amount of comfort from this supportive community.
* Don't: Write off the thought of ever sharing your life with another cat. We'll talk more about that on the next page.
* Do: Focus on things that make you happy. Sometimes we forget to fully appreciate the beauty around us, until we are forced to think about what we've lost.

Take time to share an intimate minute with someone you love. If you have other cats or dogs, spend additional time with them. They may be suffering the same kind of lost feelings you have, and will appreciate knowing that you are not also going to leave.

Take the time to smell the flowers, glory at a magnificent sunset, listen to some good music, or pick up a book of poetry. Have lunch with a good friend; see a "feel-good" movie, or rent a video or DVD and enjoy a film at home. As much as you may hate to face it, life does have a way of going on, and time really does heal these wounds.
****************************************************

When I read this today it helped me once again, especially because I'm still dealing with Jackie's loss, her loss was extremely traumatic because of the circumstances, and has splintered my family :( It's taking me a very long time to accept what happened. My husband told me to try concentrating only on the good times, and how we gave Jackie a forever home (she was a tiny stray kitten when we got her, and was our baby for 19 years).

Writing all this has helped me a lot and as you can imagine I cried the whole time I was writing it, but that helped me too (I'm sorry it was so long). I hope it didn't make you too sad :(

I really look forward to hearing from you again,
Take care,
Darlene

Permalink Reply by Jan on April 27, 2010 at 4:59am

Hi Darlene,
It was good hearing from you again, this is the 1st I have been online since last week, I really enjoyed reading all you have wrote, the article you found on facebook is great,
I have been spending most of my little free time with my other 2 dogs and my cat, and working in my yard, it seems to help us all get thru this sad time without Maci. Thank you for checking out the pennlive pet loss ad, I am defintely doing that. I hope mine turns out as nice as yours, My mom enjoyed reading the one you forwarded me of Hal. She said that is the 1st time she has seen one, and was very impressed.
My ad sure will be late, but time is not a issue,
In my writings I wrote about Maci, before I posted on this site, reminds me alot of the things you said about Hal, and the things you miss about him. That is the first things I started to write the day I lost her, I titled it "Memories of Maci". I did this before the poem "Stairway to Rainbow Heaven".
I am slowly going thru her photos that I have in albums and putting her photos in a memorial album along with my writings and poem, When my brother has the memorial for Maci, I hope I can read my writing and poem without hysterically crying. I started reading the memory one to my mom when I visited her and she got so choked up and started crying, it made me cry, so I told her within time, it will be easier for both of us. Then I will read it at Maci's memorial, and left it at that.
My mom is 82yr. and lives in assistant living home, she is having a knee replacement surgery on May 7th, 2 days before Mothers Day, so I am trying to not bring up anything that upsets her, esp. before her surgery, the loss of Maci 4 weeks ago today has been enough of heartache on her.
Today I had to take my cat to the vet, so I asked the vet, why was Maci's liver ailment not detected on her yearly visits? She stated it would have only been detected with a manual checkup if it was enlarged. Blood work would of been the only sure why to detect a live ailment, they only do the blood work if they feel it is needed or the client requests it to be done to be sure all organs are functionally normal.
I read about this on the internet doing research on liver ailments in pets, which also stated they can treat abnormal livers with medicine. My vet said this is true. Of course, I broke down and cried, it made be feel worse to have this confirmed by my vet today, that Maci would of had a chance if this blood test would have been done in the last 3 yrs. I had her. Maci was only 5yrs. old, she was too young to die such a sudden tragic death without any warning till the very end. Today is the 1st day I cried other then a few daily tears since I last spoke to you.
I mentioned I work night shift, so I was off last night we had a severe thunder storm during the night, identical to the Sunday night Maci took a turn for the worse, The whole sky lit up just as it did on Sunday March 28th, it was like a flashback. When I took my dogs out before going to bed about 5:30 am, the exact time I had to drive Maci to the emergency pet hospital, on Monday March 29th. I thought I was dreaming when I turned the outside light on, it was a repeat of that early morning also. It was very foggy out and raining. It gave me the chills, The timing and the type of the severe thunderstorm Sunday night and the heavy fog and rain at 5:30am Monday 4 weeks apart was very shocking.
Everytime we have a severe thunderstorm, fog and rain, I know I will relive the day Maci passed. Just as you stated the day you lost Hal then you and your husband took that long walk in October when the leaves were changing and the weather was unusually warm for that time. But it will always be a memory that you have and it seems like it was just yesterday.
Thank you so much for sharing the vet experience you had with Hal. It is very heartbreaking, to hear how vets can be so uncaring. I don't think their is good hearted caring vets like their use to be, I went to 2 different vets in the past 6yrs. and I do not feel any of them are truly caring. It is just like your a number passing thru, if you don't ask questions, they sure don't even offer any additional advice.
I took a vacation day last night, so I would have a 3 day weekend, to get things done in my yard and work on Maci's memorial. It rained all 3 nights, The only yard work I got done was planting tulips, they were Maci's favorite flower, I can still see her walking up to the tulips and putting her little nose up to them as she was smelling them. So I decided to plant more in memory of Maci.
Today is also the very first day I was out and about other then work, and necessities. I had to take my Daisy Mae to the groomer and explain to the groomer in detail what happened with Maci, I always took them to the groomer together. Then my cat going to the vet, and going thru the loss words again, and the gloomy weather, I felt down the rest of the evening, and like I took a step backwards in my grieving.
I pray this week goes better, I also am house sitting my sons boxer for a week or 2. I picked him up on the way home from the vet. His name is Bentley, 2yr. old male, he is full of energy, which I am not use to, my little ones lay around most of the time. so I see he is going to keep me very busy. I was nervous about keeping him, my cat never been around a big dog before, but they actually are doing better then my 2 dogs,
Since you are a cat lover too, are you familiar with the Bengal Cat? They look like a wild leopard and act like one too. That is my cats breed, his name is Cheyenne, he has the most unique personality from all the other cats I have owned in my lifetime. He is the marble color, some day I plan to get a white bengal.
It is past my bedtime, I hope I did not make this too long,
Thank you for you kindness and support during my loss, when you still find it hard to talk about you losses with Hal, Jackie and Harry. I think it is great you have a husband that loved your cats as you did and was by your side.
Take Care ,

Jan