Thank-you all for being here. Right now Steven's friends are having a "celebration of his life". I don't want to celebrate his life. I want him here living it. Why would someone do this? I just could not go and be part of that. I still expect him to walk in the door. I still can't believe that I will never see him or smell him or hug him again. I can't believe I'll never be a grandma. I don't even want to be a grandma but now I never will. I think the hardest part is not understanding why he would do this when he was surrounded by family and friends that love him. It all just seems so pointless and selfish and cruel.
I feel guilty that I didn't know and I feel guilty that I am so angry at him and I feel guilty if I have one moment of joy in the day. I can't make eye contact with people because I am afraid I am gonna have a meltdown. I get mad if people bring it up and I get mad if they don't. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life like this.