My 16 year old son took his own life last week and it's killing me that I didn't realize that he would even consider doing this. I found him when I came home from work and That day will always be the nightmare that haunts me. I can't sleep unless I take a sleeping pill otherwise I keep seeing him, and I have another son who was there when we found him so I feel like I have to be so strong for everyone else and inside I am dying and falling apart when I am alone. I keep telling myself I will wake up from this nightmare and my baby will be there again. I blame people for his actions and maybe I am in the wrong but my grief will not let me get past it. He left a baby of 2mths behind and now they are restricting when I can see him. This is all I have left of my baby boy, WHY WOULD GOD DO THIS TO ME?????? I feel like I can't go on at times but then I have to for everyone else and inside all I want is to curl up and be with him again. If I had known that would be my last moment with him the morning of his death, I would have had a longer conversation with him and told him I loved him. There are so many things that I wish I had done and now it's too late and it's killing me, there is a hole in my heart and it will never heal, I just keep wishing that I could hear him laugh or tell me one of his silly jokes that I never got but it made him laugh and that was all that mattered. How does anyone ever get through this pain of losing your child in such a manner?

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so very sorry for your pain suicide of a loved one shatters your whole world and changes you completely the pain will be very intense at first stay strong for your loved ones and seek professional counselling take a day at a time somehow you will heal dont feel guilty remember your beautiful son as you knew and loved him
hang in there
.I too Lost my son on Sept. 14 to suicide. I talked to my Ken for several hours on Sunday night and we had a good conversation and talked about old times. I never had any idea of what he was going to do the following morning. When I got the call that he had shot himself I just screamed. I could not believe he would do this. I did not see the signs that he needed help. I still cry a lot when I talk to him in the mornings. People tell me that it is natural to be feel guilty but there is nothing you could have done. This is a private decision that a person makes. Talk about how you feel and talk about your son, it does help to get past this. The hole is your heart will be there for a long time and I don't think we ever get over it. Our children are not supposed to die this way. I am still searching for answers but my pastor has told me I will not find them. Put your faith in God and he will get you through. Talking to other people who have also suffered such a loss will help you, My prayers are with you.
I don't know how it is to lose a child but i know about losing my only big brother to suicide. My brother recently committed suicide and it hurt everyday and i believe the pain will never go away but i think we have to find a way to live with it. I hear that i have to stay strong for everyone else but it is not healthy to bottle your pain inside so i suggest you cry and talk to people. Since the death of my brother was so recently i don't have to much to say about coping other than to stay strong and keep your body healthy because it will be your responsiblity to instill your family values into your grandson when he get older.

After reading your post i wondered how your other son is feeling because when i lost my brother i wanted to go to. I couldn't imagine going on twenty-three and my brother's present is not here or i couldn't imagine celebrating his twenty-fourth birthday with out him. The pain is unbearable that i planned my own death, however fortunately it wasn't my time. I believe time is very important no matter how we passover because i was a victim of Chicago Violence four years ago and was beat with a pole in my head and i am still here without a scar. I was told as a result of that i will never function properly but i am a witness of what God can do. My time have not came but i believe it was my brother's time. If it wasn't his time God would have found him another way out or his life would have been planned different, your grandson will one day be a great image of your son someday. My sister-in-law family is so different from my family that we know that one day they will try to take him away but my nephew is two and he already shows traits of my brother because of genetics and that keep me smiling as time goes on. It is going to be a surprise when your grandson come into your home someday and tell you a joke.
You had mention that you would have told him you love him i believe you have already several times in the past. I believe you hugged him too. He knew how much everyone loved him even if they didn't say so because of all of the things you and your family did for him. My sister was feeling guilt about what she would have done but i told her as siblings we did everything, we did more than enough than your average sibling so we never could say what if, i should had done or have a reason to feel we didn't do enough.
You sound like a warm hearted parent and i believe you did everything. My mother is a nurse and is known for helping people but yet gave me or at any of my siblings a hug. She have not cried because all five of us were a mistake so she don't really care if any of us passover but to hear your story make me feel i just recieved a motherly hug from you. Thank you and i will pray for both of us.
I found my brother who hung himself in my home- So I have eliminated the phrase "hang in there" from my vocab. I do not use the phrase "committed suicide", because it refers to committing a crime. Instead is say, "died by suicide" or "died from depression". Most people, including my brother take their lives because they have untreated depression or other mental illness.
Its been 7 years since his death and my mother still blames herself.
And somewhere in my soul I still feel responsible.
Intellectually I know it was his decision. But emotionally I still feel I could have prevented it.
I will never forget those early years!!! Without a "survivors of suicide group" and weekly counseling with my psychiatrist I do not know where I would be today.
Please, Please, keep it very simple--do not put expectations on yourself or others. Cry as much as you need to and stay away from others who do not support you unconditionally. Everything you are thinking and feeling is okay. As long as you do not hurt yourself or others.
And if you think you might take your life or you know someone who may be thinking about taking their life Get Help NOW!!!
Be gentle on you and others.
Counselling for you,your son and other family members could go along way.I dont know where the strength comes from to carry on, except that it does somehow.I tried everything to figure out what triggered my brothers suicide,I read every scrap of paper in his apt., checked the tv station,and the radio station he played in his car,thought it had to be the bad girlfriend who I ostrasized (sp) at his funeral.
I was wrong, it wasnt her fault or my fault or even his fault...depression kills. That is what I believe took my brother. Yes I still feel guilty and that has not changed for me. I hope you and your grandsons mom can work it out.
I have a son right now who hates me and if it wasnt for my great relationship with his ex- girlfriend, Id never get to see my grandson. Thank god she has custody.Be gentle with yourself, your other son needs you probably as much as you need him. You both are in shock and in need of support. Im sorry for your loss.

Take Care of yourself,
Sue
The way i have handled this is I tell myself that God chose me to be his mother and let me borrow him for 26yrs to do his work. Nothing could ever replace our boys but the thought in that brings so comfort. My son touched alot of people all over the world.
hi I lost my Son Justin 27 years old this past March 31 one day after the 30 year anniversary of my mothers suicide in 1979. I thought i could prevent this from ever happening again inmy family. I shere in your pain you are not alone you are not crazy. God does not do this to us societty culture shame ignorance lack of careing or understanding lack of quality health care oyr culture many many factors i dont believe my son chose to kill himself his pain and agony consumed him his shame and the general publis stigma prevented him from following through on the help he needed. god gets us survivores through somehow one day at a time on hour at a time.
i feel Justins pain his despair and his peace i miss him soo bad it hurts in place so deep i dont know how to deal with it either. i try to tell his story and help others

hang in ther and please dont give up on god he is our only hope

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