On August 16, 2009 I recieved a phone call that my brother had shot himself, and from that day forward my life have not been the same. My brother was only 23 years old, a soon to be graduate at Devry University and he was in the Airforce Reserve. He is the father of two and he had so much to look forward to but his life was to much for him to handle. It is hard to understand that he will no longer be here. He was a big part of my life because I am twenty two, married with two children as well and our family did everything together. I lost my partner that i went to the parks, zoo, circus, clubs and the friend that i shared thoughts of being intelligent African American Men that planned to make a great impact in society. My life is distorted by this tragic event. I continue reading other people posts and i can't believe the pain of seeing my brother's blood and lifeless body will hurt from this day on. I seek counsling but i think they don't understand. I just don't know what to do anymore without my big brother Miles. Most people that went to the funeral seem to be moving on with their lives while i am stuck with severe pain. I try to reach certain people and discuss suicide but some people I encounter are ignorant and don't care to much because they believe suicide does not play a role in the Black community so i am hoping to spread the awareness that anyone fall under depression and could result to suicide. I can't sleep or think right. I manage to take the time to write this post because I am hoping I can connect with someone close to my age with a similiar story and we can help one another.
My warrior, My Best Man, My brother, My best friend has recently touched base with his Guardian Angel.
I Love you Miles Kuykendoll
Chicago IL,

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Replies to This Discussion

Dear Larry, I am not a black man and I am twice your age, however, we have so much in common. We both lost our brothers to suicide.
People don't want to talk about suicide because of fear!!!!!!!!!!
If your family and friends avoid talking about your brothers death do not take it personal. It is their way of coping with their grief.

Find others who can relate to you and stay close to them. Stay in contact with this site and find a group in your area for "survivors of suicide".

It does not really matter if you are black,white,pink or purple, people who attend these sites/groups are there to give and receive support and unconditional acceptance.
I am praying for you to find glimpses of peace.
Take Care, isa
Larry I'm not going to fill the profile you're looking for but want to put my hand out to you. For one I'm a female and two I'm white. I'm a mother who just lost her son in July, he was a soldier and had been suffering with PTSD for the last two years. He was definitely depressed and was terribly terribly lonely and he and I spent as many hours as possible talking on the phone to try to help him get thru his depression. He was married and had a baby but his problems had taken a toll on his marriage. Like you our family is close, his twin brother was his closest friend and his brother still cries deep inside and out. What I understand about your situation is I am in a mixed marriage. My husband lost his Grandmother years ago and I would have never known as he kept the pain of his grief inside. He lost his father his sister and his mother and I know he grieves but he doesnt talk about it or show his pain. I'm proud of you for sharing your feelings here and want you to know its ok to feel the pain you are feeling. I find myself crying even after 3 months. I find there are milestones that cause my emotions to become hard to bear. My sons birthday is coming up and I struggle with what am I going to do that day to get thru it. It was a year ago that I spent my last time with him alive so I'm trying to keep moving on but I'm feeling pain. Many things remind me of him, I find little things that he gave me such as a little inexpensive keychain that said #1 mom. The value of the feeling is priceless. I was searching for something else recently and found a pen set that he had given me and was again reminded of him. I see people who remind me of him or a situation that reminds me of him and tears well up in my eyes. I turn away from others to try to hide the tears but I can't run away from the pain inside. I try to turn it around and tell myself its his spirit reaching out to me to let me know he's ok and once I do that it helps the tears go away, but it doesn't stop them from coming again. We went to the cemetary a few weeks ago and when we left I commented we got thru it without tears so we are making progress. I know it takes time to heal I know there will be moments or days in the future that I will have to go thru the pain again. I know that I will have to lose others in my life and will have to add to the pain that already exist and am afraid. I'm afraid I won't be able to find the strength to even go outside. Wanting to hide my pain from the rest of the world. I have to push myself each day to get out of bed, get dressed and to try to be productive. I just sat down for the first time last night to watch tv. I hope you can get thru this time in your life as much as I hope my other son can get thru this time as well. I want to believe that it will get better in time for all of us. I just take one day at a time if today is rough I pray tommorrow will be better. My life is really rough right now even without losing my son so it makes it even harder to get thru life each day. I was really depressed over the weekend and my hope was fading. I struggled thru this week but I'm still here.
I would love to hear from you and know you're ok. Take care of yourself and know that missing someone you love is ok. I tell my son its ok to cry and give him the space to do so. I love him for having the feelings of love he had for his brother. It hurts me to know he's in pain but want him to know he's not alone. I want him to know he can come to me anytime if he needs help to ease his pain. I don't want think about you suffering alone if you need someone to turn to. I fear that my son was to alone and I wasn't there to take his call when he needed me. His brother feels the same way.
Take care of yourself.
It is going on two years since i lost my brother Miles, life have changed for me. I miss him so much and unexpectedly i realize i have became a suicide activist.   My heart is warmer to people needs and i try to understand people before i make any form of  judgement.   My brother Miles was my partner and i had to learn to stand alone.  During the time of his death i couldnt not imagine me living without Miles but it been two years and im learning that every tunnel is dark but sunlight awaits ahead. I try to look for another brother in which i realize no one is quite like my big bro Miles so i have to hold on to the memories and continue to live.  This path in life is one path that hurts my heart everytime i see a new victim because i can feel the pain. I also learn time does not make the wounds better but it is the people that you surround yourself with.  


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