He took his life after battling an illness in which he kept from me and all friends and family. I was living in another state and we kept in touch via telephone.
I went to see him on the July 4th weekend of 2006.

I told him I loved him for the first time in 9 yrs. We had been lovers and friends for yrs. He suddenly stopped taking my calls, changed his phone. Five months passed and he called me mid Feb. 07. I was so happy and in the middle of our conversation he said I love you Pat. I was so confused, he also said he would be coming down to be with me in Fl.. The following month March 29th 07 he took his life. I hurt so much, I didn't know he was saying goodbye. I miss him so very much. I hurt so much, i wish I knew what was going on, I could have been for him in this time that must of have a nightmare for him. I could have stopped him!!!

Why? I get angry, sad, I understand , don't understand and it is goin on 3 yrs. I don't know what to do. I am so happy I came across this site. I am not alone.

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi Pat,
Im sorry you have reason to be here, but glad you found this group. We get it here. Unfortunately there is no stopping someone unless they ask for help. Your "friend" and he sounds like much more than that, kept his illness like you said completely to himself. People who suicide generally are secretive and no one knows their pain until its much too late. I am sorry for your loss of him. I think perhaps he may have called you after those few months of isolation because he may have believed moving to be near you was the answer, alas he didnt make it. Im glad you got to hear those precious words from him, at least you know he loved you. I understand how you might feel about his loss, suicide, and the life you could of shared. Try to not blame yourself, you would of helped him if he told you, you loved him and he knew that. Keep talking it helps.

Sue
Thats so very much. By him saying that he was coming to Fl. to be with me he meant in spirit. He did already know what he was going to do.
I was so very happy to get your response, and again so happy to have found the site. Have a blessed day.

Pat

SUE said:
Hi Pat,
Im sorry you have reason to be here, but glad you found this group. We get it here. Unfortunately there is no stopping someone unless they ask for help. Your "friend" and he sounds like much more than that, kept his illness like you said completely to himself. People who suicide generally are secretive and no one knows their pain until its much too late. I am sorry for your loss of him. I think perhaps he may have called you after those few months of isolation because he may have believed moving to be near you was the answer, alas he didnt make it. Im glad you got to hear those precious words from him, at least you know he loved you. I understand how you might feel about his loss, suicide, and the life you could of shared. Try to not blame yourself, you would of helped him if he told you, you loved him and he knew that. Keep talking it helps.

Sue
Geeze for a second there I thought I replied with your name wrong :)
You seem pretty sure he was saying goodbye...why? What makes you believe he already knew ? I know that some do plan well ahead of time and its more than possible that those 5 months were spent coming to terms with that, but Im just curious about what tipped you off. You see I had no idea my brother would do this and Im wondering if I just missed something. Anyway, you are definately not alone and you will notice all too soon how the membership numbers here grow.
I have also learned that an ex love of mine is missing presumed dead. His sister thinks suicide. Anyway, I always thought we'd run into each other again and a part of me has never stopped loving him. Im sorry your love is gone. Even 3 years is still so hard. They say surviving a suicide is the equivalant of surviving a concentration camp, obviously very different but each are traumatic. If I can find the author Ill post it. Take Care
Sue
Trish said:
Thats so very much. By him saying that he was coming to Fl. to be with me he meant in spirit. He did already know what he was going to do.
I was so very happy to get your response, and again so happy to have found the site. Have a blessed day.

Pat

SUE said:
Hi Pat,
Im sorry you have reason to be here, but glad you found this group. We get it here. Unfortunately there is no stopping someone unless they ask for help. Your "friend" and he sounds like much more than that, kept his illness like you said completely to himself. People who suicide generally are secretive and no one knows their pain until its much too late. I am sorry for your loss of him. I think perhaps he may have called you after those few months of isolation because he may have believed moving to be near you was the answer, alas he didnt make it. Im glad you got to hear those precious words from him, at least you know he loved you. I understand how you might feel about his loss, suicide, and the life you could of shared. Try to not blame yourself, you would of helped him if he told you, you loved him and he knew that. Keep talking it helps.

Sue
Sue, I had no idea until I found out. Everything came together just as if in a puzzle. He had kidney failure and in dialysis. I know he didn't want anyone to hurt over his illness. This is the type of person he was.
I was so surprised to see that this (suicide) isn't as rare as I thought. It is so very painful. I am able to live my life because I love my family so very much. I know we will someday meet again and so very happy that he came into my life.
How long has it since your brother passed? You mentioned you didn't know. Sometimes there are clues but who would ever thing of this untill it is to late. What is ironic is that my mother lived with kidney failure, dialysis five yrs., than yes a kidney transplant 20 yrs. ago and is fine today. We had talked throughout the yrs. of living together etc.. I would have loved him just as much if not more this would have never been a problem. Thanks for being there.

Trish (pat) : )

SUE said:
Hi Pat,
Im sorry you have reason to be here, but glad you found this group. We get it here. Unfortunately there is no stopping someone unless they ask for help. Your "friend" and he sounds like much more than that, kept his illness like you said completely to himself. People who suicide generally are secretive and no one knows their pain until its much too late. I am sorry for your loss of him. I think perhaps he may have called you after those few months of isolation because he may have believed moving to be near you was the answer, alas he didnt make it. Im glad you got to hear those precious words from him, at least you know he loved you. I understand how you might feel about his loss, suicide, and the life you could of shared. Try to not blame yourself, you would of helped him if he told you, you loved him and he knew that. Keep talking it helps.

Sue
Thanks Pat for asking. My brother died 7 years ago this past Thanksgiving. My step-mother and close friend of 21 years was murdered just 10 months before my brothers death. Her murderer committed suicide right after he killed her. He used to be a friend, not a close one, but welcome in my home. He was her 3rd cousin once removed or whatever. No Steve did not leave any clues or a note or anything. The most that I learned about my brothers suicide came from the coroner. It is gut wrenching to say the least to hear of his last day on earth.
Im sorry your friend couldnt get past his pain, you are right tho, you will be together again, and with the love and support of good friends and family, you will be ok. But if you need someone else to talk to, I am here.
Sue
Sue, may you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. You have been through alot of pain & suffering in a short time frame. I do feel that when I look and think back I would have choosen this expirence to have never had Earl come into my life at all.
Its been some yrs. for you, have you been able to make sense of what has happened in your life? My pain is not the way it was the first yr. but he Earl is and will always be very close to my heart .

You mentioned this expirence was around Thanksgiving. Does it still hurt as much still? Life is full of happiness and pain, but I will take that instead of a life without the love I expirenced with this man.



SUE said:
Thanks Pat for asking. My brother died 7 years ago this past Thanksgiving. My step-mother and close friend of 21 years was murdered just 10 months before my brothers death. Her murderer committed suicide right after he killed her. He used to be a friend, not a close one, but welcome in my home. He was her 3rd cousin once removed or whatever. No Steve did not leave any clues or a note or anything. The most that I learned about my brothers suicide came from the coroner. It is gut wrenching to say the least to hear of his last day on earth.
Im sorry your friend couldnt get past his pain, you are right tho, you will be together again, and with the love and support of good friends and family, you will be ok. But if you need someone else to talk to, I am here.
Sue
Pat,
In answer to your question, no not near as much. I get caught off guard sometimes with a memory or a sense of longing, sometimes feel anxious and unsure, but for the most part I am doing ok. The first year unrecognizable to my self. Anniversarys well all of it really, holidays,birthdays,and of course "D"-day are tougher. We have a new calender now. I do not enjoy my wedding anniversary or Thanksgiving because of my brothers death. They all occur on the same weekend. I feel sorry for hubby but I just dont care. My friends daughters (my step-sisters) do not celebrate x-mas as she died on the 10th of dec. and was the one that made a big deal of it for them. I still kinda force them to accept gifts and do something with me b4 x-mas. I think Kay would of wanted me to and I think they secretly enjoy that I do. You see Kay became a gramma for the 1st time just 9 days b4 her death.Truly sad, in memory of her and our love of x-mas, I spoil the kids that day like it or not..:)
Will post more later..gotta run..Im painting my house

Sue
I'm sure that is the way your stepmom,brother, & friend would have wanted it. It is really hard for me because before this site I didnt speak to any one about this.

We both lived in diff. states and spoke to each other over the phone. I moved away 6yrs. ago. I didn't know his family only met his son and he was a child at the time. They don't even know of me. I tried so very hard to get in touch with family etc. and know one got back in touch. I went to his grave when I went up to Va. 5 months after I found out and was hopeing that it was some sort of mistake.

You said you were painting, I am going to start putting out some Christmas decor . I can't believe that Thanksgiving day has come and passed another yr..Life does go on but we have to remember with that horific expirence we have many wonderful memorys. That keeps me going.

SUE said:
Pat,
In answer to your question, no not near as much. I get caught off guard sometimes with a memory or a sense of longing, sometimes feel anxious and unsure, but for the most part I am doing ok. The first year unrecognizable to my self. Anniversarys well all of it really, holidays,birthdays,and of course "D"-day are tougher. We have a new calender now. I do not enjoy my wedding anniversary or Thanksgiving because of my brothers death. They all occur on the same weekend. I feel sorry for hubby but I just dont care. My friends daughters (my step-sisters) do not celebrate x-mas as she died on the 10th of dec. and was the one that made a big deal of it for them. I still kinda force them to accept gifts and do something with me b4 x-mas. I think Kay would of wanted me to and I think they secretly enjoy that I do. You see Kay became a gramma for the 1st time just 9 days b4 her death.Truly sad, in memory of her and our love of x-mas, I spoil the kids that day like it or not..:)
Will post more later..gotta run..Im painting my house

Sue
Wow Pat,
Thats a long time to go not being able to share this with anyone. Sounds like a very special relationship you both had. He is not in any pain anymore and neither is Steve. Whats really difficult is not realizing they were.Thats the part that gets me. Some leave a note,to explain,or blame,or a least to say goodbye, I was so distraught that my brother had nothing to say. Surprised and saddened that there was nothing. Others are not at all grateful for a note and would rather nothing as a note could never satisfactorly answer the "why" and just begs more questions.
You are most definitely not alone. I know how hard 3 years is,I also know the loss of a love. My ex missing since 1997 and remains found in 2003, not confirmed yet but I know its him in my heart. He has been weighing heavily on my mind and my heart. We loved each other a great deal, I was his first love and he the was just the 2nd man I had ever been intimate with in my life. I have the what could of been feelings and a deep sense of loss...I had moved on with my life without him, married a wonderful man and consider myself lucky...but I "miss"him. His father committed suicide when he was 12 and his sister feels he did as well. A love letter I have held on to for almost 20 years may hold the clue to identifying those remains..he mentions seeing a dentist and that seems to be the only lead to adult dental records needed for identification...its ironic after all these years..a love letter to me! His sister and mom have moved to my town and they make me feel very close to him. Im sorry you dont have that, that would be a real blessing for you to be able to share with his family. Unfortunately tho Im having flashbacks and I really have no right I think to be feeling like his "widow". Its complicated. You are the first person Ive ever shared that with. On a lighter note. Im like a mad woman painting every room in my house before decorating it :) The clock is ticking. My son is coming home for x-mas, Im excited. My other son does not speak to me , so not a whole family x-mas, but I will grateful for what I have. Im a x-mas kid and love it all. My shopping was started in June.
Anyway thats long enough for now, good for you if you've made it this far..lol
Take Care,
Sue

Trish said:
I'm sure that is the way your stepmom,brother, & friend would have wanted it. It is really hard for me because before this site I didnt speak to any one about this.

We both lived in diff. states and spoke to each other over the phone. I moved away 6yrs. ago. I didn't know his family only met his son and he was a child at the time. They don't even know of me. I tried so very hard to get in touch with family etc. and know one got back in touch. I went to his grave when I went up to Va. 5 months after I found out and was hopeing that it was some sort of mistake.

You said you were painting, I am going to start putting out some Christmas decor . I can't believe that Thanksgiving day has come and passed another yr..Life does go on but we have to remember with that horific expirence we have many wonderful memorys. That keeps me going.

SUE said:
Pat,
In answer to your question, no not near as much. I get caught off guard sometimes with a memory or a sense of longing, sometimes feel anxious and unsure, but for the most part I am doing ok. The first year unrecognizable to my self. Anniversarys well all of it really, holidays,birthdays,and of course "D"-day are tougher. We have a new calender now. I do not enjoy my wedding anniversary or Thanksgiving because of my brothers death. They all occur on the same weekend. I feel sorry for hubby but I just dont care. My friends daughters (my step-sisters) do not celebrate x-mas as she died on the 10th of dec. and was the one that made a big deal of it for them. I still kinda force them to accept gifts and do something with me b4 x-mas. I think Kay would of wanted me to and I think they secretly enjoy that I do. You see Kay became a gramma for the 1st time just 9 days b4 her death.Truly sad, in memory of her and our love of x-mas, I spoil the kids that day like it or not..:)
Will post more later..gotta run..Im painting my house

Sue
Trish,

I have a very similar case with you. My dear lover , who took his life about a month ago, lived 600 miles away from me, and i last saw him also on July of 4 weekend this year. He was very much depressed by his chronic health condition. He called and texted me right before he died letting me know that he was doing it, love me and goodbye. I didn't call for help and he was found dead in his bed with overdose. I could have delay his death, but i couldn't stop his pain and suffering. I was very upset that he chose to tell me his pending suicide plan and death, in the same time i was gald that he trusted me to share with me.

The pain he left me is not going to end any time soon because we have our wonderful 4 yrs together. We know each other like, dislike, dream, fear and all. However, i know he is now free of suffering and watching me from his side. I hope, one day he and i will meet again.
Lam,
Im sorry for your loss. I truly am.I cant believe Ive missed your posts until now.A month ago is so new to loss and so hard. Im sorry you lost your love and especially like this. It seems you have come a long way in your grief in such a short period of time. I was a true basket case in the early stages. You mentioned his text and warning....if I may ask..how did you respond to that? Did you have a relationship with his family?
Sue

Lam said:
Trish,

I have a very similar case with you. My dear lover , who took his life about a month ago, lived 600 miles away from me, and i last saw him also on July of 4 weekend this year. He was very much depressed by his chronic health condition. He called and texted me right before he died letting me know that he was doing it, love me and goodbye. I didn't call for help and he was found dead in his bed with overdose. I could have delay his death, but i couldn't stop his pain and suffering. I was very upset that he chose to tell me his pending suicide plan and death, in the same time i was gald that he trusted me to share with me.

The pain he left me is not going to end any time soon because we have our wonderful 4 yrs together. We know each other like, dislike, dream, fear and all. However, i know he is now free of suffering and watching me from his side. I hope, one day he and i will meet again.
Sue,

Thanks for replying. I listened to him and redirected him with many possible solutions. When he really showed sign on carrying out his suicide plan,( selling his 16 yrs retail business, giving away items and drinking everynight). I called his family and told them to seek professional help first, DO NOT just go talk to him without any practical plan or even action. I also called the crisis center, suicide hotline and his local intervention center. Those places were really no help, they told me that without the premission, no agent could do anything to help him. He needed to give consent to receive the help and treatment.

His family understood the situation, in the meanwhile, i felt they doubt about how depress their son and brother was. He also acted very normal, he went to work as usual, took care of himself and even went to visit his parents with big warm smiles and hugs. That's night, he decided to take his own life.

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