I am an only child now. My beloved brother passed away on Sep.6-2009, he was only 25 years old just a year and half younger than I. I am alone and I am scared. My brother and i had a bond that you only find once in a lifetime. I don't know if he truely meant to do it but it was a fear of mine for years. He was perscribed medication for a work injury that made his hands almost competely imoble and disfigured. We have had problems with drug abuse for years life hasn't been easy for us. He also had legal issues and he always told me they wouldn't take him alive. My brother always protected me from everything no matter how bizzare. He leaves behind three children and my three children. No matter what was going on in his life he was the best father and uncle and brother. All I can do is cry and I feel as though I am dying inside, I know I will never be the same. He came to see me a few days before the overdose and I was not home, Why? I could have had that one day and I would have known if something was wrong with my brother. I keep having flashbacks of that day my friend came to tell me that he was in the hospital and had no brain activity. I remember walking into that hospital room and seeing my brother lying there unresponsive, his eyes fixed and also unresponsive. He was so strong, How could this had happened? Did he do this to himself? Did the fear of going to prison without being able to use his hands get to him? Was it the depression? Was he tired and just wanting it all to stop? I sit here sobbing because I have no answers and never will and I am not okay with that. I have since went to rehab because I was handling this the way he and I always did in a unhealthy way. I have since recindled a relationship with my dad. The first time I had seen him in over a year was when I picked his body up off the pue to go see his only born son lying in a casket. My mom hasn't spoken to me since a few days after the funeral guess she hates me, we had a horrible discussion about my brother and I having addiction problem a few weeks before he passed. I said some things that I regret deeply and I will never get that back. I just want clarity, I am walking and talking ina dark dark world right now and there is no light at the end of my tunnel. If anyone can relate or have any ideas that you think might help I sure could use some support right now. Thank You.

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Replies to This Discussion

NU-Tausha,
You are still in shock hun. Take it easy just breathe. People say all kinds of inappropriate/hurtful things that they dont necessarily mean. Give your mom some time,she will forgive you a moms love as you know is like no other. Im sure she was taken aback by what you said,maby not expecting it and coming as a complete surprise. She just lost her son,your brother. You are all she has left,she needs you,and you her..Im so sorry you are going thru this right now. Maby try and send her a card or letter. I bet she'll understand. A mom only wants the best for her kids,your admission,your brothers untimely death, well Im sure she is not in a good place either. Its great that you started to take care of you first..going to rehab is a big step! Good for you. Re-connecting with dad also positive. Baby steps ok, just try not to be so hard on yourself,be gentle with you and I mean that.
Now your brother...Im sorry. I also lost my brother. My only brother. I get it. I want you to know, that you will get past this immense pain that you are in right now. With support,or faith, or therapy,or visits to the doctor,or posting on forums. One way or the other you will survive this loss I swear. You have kids and you are an aunt and they need you.I will try to help you the best that I can here but you need to continue to do what you can there ok? This is a "safe" place to talk/share and vent and cry. I will not judge you. Every member on this forum has lost someone to suicide and the numbers continue to grow..sadly. Suicide in my opinion is as real as cancer and like cancer in that its a disease of the mind. Something irrevocably broken. Your brother was lost in his pain,blinded by it. Suicide killed his pain. Again sadly it starts a whole world of pain for us the survivors. You are changed by that and will never be the same,thats true. But what is also true is you can go forward, you can have happiness,you can still enjoy your life and you can survive. I was where you are now ,,in the dark but Ive made it past there and so can you.It will take time and support and patience and love.
((Hugs))
Sue
I am so sorry about your brother and that you are feeling so down. Losing your brother was obviously a very painful experience for you, as losing a loved one is for all of your family. I lost my son, Joey, on June 20, 2008; and my life was forever changed. There are many groups out there that can help you with your sorrow. Try contacting Compassionate Friends, I've heard that is a really good organization. There is also a group called, Joe's Project that specifically handles victims of suicide. I'm glad that you are trying to get back together with your Dad. You are his only son, and he needs you. Your Mom is very upset right now. Even though you lost your brother, she lost her son. It's a very different loss for a mother. She is going to need lots of time to grieve. Can you try to talk to her? She and your Dad, and you all need to try to help each other through this very sad time. You can reach out to your church as well. I ask myself the same questions as you. Why? Was he depressed? Did he mean to do it? These are all questions that are asked by anyone who has a family member who died by suicide. There are many books available that can help you understand why your brother did this. Some of the authors have lived through the same exact event that you and I have. I know you feel like you don't want to live anymore. That is a very normal feeling. You need to be strong. Your parents would be devastated if something were to happen to you. You and your brother had a very special bond and you will feel that forever. He may not be here on earth anymore, but you will always hold him deep within your heart.
Debbie said:
I am so sorry about your brother and that you are feeling so down. Losing your brother was obviously a very painful experience for you, as losing a loved one is for all of your family. I lost my son, Joey, on June 20, 2008; and my life was forever changed. There are many groups out there that can help you with your sorrow. Try contacting Compassionate Friends, I've heard that is a really good organization. There is also a group called, Joe's Project that specifically handles victims of suicide. I'm glad that you are trying to get back together with your Dad. You are his only son, and he needs you. Your Mom is very upset right now. Even though you lost your brother, she lost her son. It's a very different loss for a mother. She is going to need lots of time to grieve. Can you try to talk to her? She and your Dad, and you all need to try to help each other through this very sad time. You can reach out to your church as well. I ask myself the same questions as you. Why? Was he depressed? Did he mean to do it? These are all questions that are asked by anyone who has a family member who died by suicide. There are many books available that can help you understand why your brother did this. Some of the authors have lived through the same exact event that you and I have. I know you feel like you don't want to live anymore. That is a very normal feeling. You need to be strong. Your parents would be devastated if something were to happen to you. You and your brother had a very special bond and you will feel that forever. He may not be here on earth anymore, but you will always hold him deep within your heart.
I am so very sorry. Your brother loved you and I know because of the relationship you two had. He is at peace and I have learned with this site that I need not feel angry, hurt , confused anymore because I am not letting my loved one rest in peace.

He chose this because it got to the point in his life that he felt it was the only way. You have to stop and look at all the good times and smile. I remember when my dad died, I was so very hurt. My friend came over to me and said, when a friend/family member dies every one talks about the good times. We laugh and no one cries. He asked me to tell him about any situation with my dad. In a matter of minutes I felt a load had been lifted off my shoulders.

I hope this helps, that doesn't mean you won't hurt but when you start to think of a specific good time. And remember you want him to be at peace, respect the choice he made. I have just started doing so and I feel so much better.

Trish
Trish,
Your friend gave you very good advice when your Dad died. It definitely helps to tell funny stories about your loved one. I try to do that with regard to my son, Joey, and it helps sometimes. But it also brings tears because I know that there will be no more funny things to remember about him. I miss him so much, I can hardly stand it. Thanks for listening.
Debbie
Hi, i'm new to this page but when I saw your story the tears came down I guess it's because I have a story very similar to yours. On December 11,2009 I received the worst call of my life, that my only brother had hung himself. I remember driving to the hospital walking in the room and seeing his lifeless body being kept alive by machines that wasn't the way I remembered him he had always been my rock and there he was after three long days of no brain activity they declared him dead. I still find myself driving to work thinking what went wrong why didn't he just call? and sometimes i feel this horrible guilt because the day of i was at home watching the news and I just got this gut feeling to call him and I didn't-over the past couple of months he had become a bit distant and well he wouldn't answer my calls all that often- obviously all signs that I should have seen. At the time of his funeral yes I did cry but it didn't affect me as much but now as the days go by and I realize that I'm never going to hear his voice, see his face or his beautiful smile I break down and I realize a piece of me left with him too. I write to you because I know somewhat of what you are going through and just know you helped me too Thanks
april said:
Hi, i'm new to this page but when I saw your story the tears came down I guess it's because I have a story very similar to yours. On December 11,2009 I received the worst call of my life, that my only brother had hung himself. I remember driving to the hospital walking in the room and seeing his lifeless body being kept alive by machines that wasn't the way I remembered him he had always been my rock and there he was after three long days of no brain activity they declared him dead. I still find myself driving to work thinking what went wrong why didn't he just call? and sometimes i feel this horrible guilt because the day of i was at home watching the news and I just got this gut feeling to call him and I didn't-over the past couple of months he had become a bit distant and well he wouldn't answer my calls all that often- obviously all signs that I should have seen. At the time of his funeral yes I did cry but it didn't affect me as much but now as the days go by and I realize that I'm never going to hear his voice, see his face or his beautiful smile I break down and I realize a piece of me left with him too. I write to you because I know somewhat of what you are going through and just know you helped me too Thanks
nu-tausha mason said:
april said:
Hi, i'm new to this page but when I saw your story the tears came down I guess it's because I have a story very similar to yours. On December 11,2009 I received the worst call of my life, that my only brother had hung himself. I remember driving to the hospital walking in the room and seeing his lifeless body being kept alive by machines that wasn't the way I remembered him he had always been my rock and there he was after three long days of no brain activity they declared him dead. I still find myself driving to work thinking what went wrong why didn't he just call? and sometimes i feel this horrible guilt because the day of i was at home watching the news and I just got this gut feeling to call him and I didn't-over the past couple of months he had become a bit distant and well he wouldn't answer my calls all that often- obviously all signs that I should have seen. At the time of his funeral yes I did cry but it didn't affect me as much but now as the days go by and I realize that I'm never going to hear his voice, see his face or his beautiful smile I break down and I realize a piece of me left with him too. I write to you because I know somewhat of what you are going through and just know you helped me too Thanks
nu-tausha mason said:
nu-tausha mason said:
april said:
Hi, i'm new to this page but when I saw your story the tears came down I guess it's because I have a story very similar to yours. On December 11,2009 I received the worst call of my life, that my only brother had hung himself. I remember driving to the hospital walking in the room and seeing his lifeless body being kept alive by machines that wasn't the way I remembered him he had always been my rock and there he was after three long days of no brain activity they declared him dead. I still find myself driving to work thinking what went wrong why didn't he just call? and sometimes i feel this horrible guilt because the day of i was at home watching the news and I just got this gut feeling to call him and I didn't-over the past couple of months he had become a bit distant and well he wouldn't answer my calls all that often- obviously all signs that I should have seen. At the time of his funeral yes I did cry but it didn't affect me as much but now as the days go by and I realize that I'm never going to hear his voice, see his face or his beautiful smile I break down and I realize a piece of me left with him too. I write to you because I know somewhat of what you are going through and just know you helped me too Thanks
I have not been on here in a while and just come on the site to view my brothers picture and to write to him, it helps. I still lots of pain and the tears flow daily. I can only pray as my brother did that one day the pain will be bearable. The holidays were very hard and I missed my brother deeply. I did get to see my dad and mom for Christmas. Guess that was a gift from God. I havn't heard from my mom since and my dad and I talk often. I did relapse over that time but am once again clean and sober with the help of my family, church, family friends and most of all God. I recently asked him back into my life because I had shun him for what has happened in my life. You know that I have things to be grateful for even all the bad things that have happened to my family. I will never understand or be okay with my brother being gone but his passing has made me stronger than ever and I guess that is his gift to me, I can do anything. I know in my heart that one day things will be right and I will be with him again and until then I ahve to keep my head up and believe and never give up.I would like to hear from all who would like to share and I can only pray for everyones Love Peace and Happiness. To all be safe and wipe your tears they are never truely gone unless we forget them.
I understand it is painful i am twenty-two and i lost my big brother Aug 16, 2009, at the age 23, i am lost and everytime i encounter a new situation in my life i think of him but i understand that is normal. I don't see my tears stopping anytime soon but i am learning to grow. One thing i learn is to stop thinking about the way Miles passed away and the crime scene. My brother and i use to party and drink together but drinking is not the same anymore. My brother became more vulnerable to suicide after drinking severly. He sent his love through a text to me before he did it but i struggled wondering what i could have done better or faster but now i learned that my brother knew i loved him dearly but he was hurt from his past and his present. I also learned Using any substances under depression only make the situation worst so i hope you continue to find other ways to cope. I moved out of my home because the memory of not seeing my brother walk in the door as usual is hurtful but the pain still exist. I believe you have to pick your face up when you feel the emotions coming so i smile and think about all the good times Miles and I had together. I also take his two children out with my two kids, i think about the future. I see myself telling his kids how wonderful their father were and how much he meant to me. Some people will get tired of hearing about our lost but i believe their kids will never want to stop listening and that is when we can tell all type of stories especially to the boys. I need you to take care of yourself so you can share them stories. We will always love our brother's. If you need to talk i also can be reached at larrykuykendoll@yahoo.com
Hi i just finished reading this Thread.

I am glad you gave an update on how you are doing NU-Tausha.

And to the others who talked about losing brothers to suicide,,my heart connects with you.

My younger brother, Steve, hung himself in my basement 07/28/2002, and I found him.

I know he did not expect me to find him. And I know he was very very sick and desperate on that Sunday afternoon.

I had a short visit with Steve and had to leave to go to a family reunion. I asked him to come with me but he said no.

To make a very long long story short..... Someone had falsely accused him of "being physically abusive" with her. Because of a legal history some 3 years prior to this day, it appeared that at least one police officer made it his misssion to "capture" Steve. This particular officer engaged the services of 3 police Depts. and a local Judge. When I arrived home most of the "swat team" were gone and one police cruser was waiting,(outside of my home,) for a search warrant.
It was a trumped up charge which read in the Police report as a Felonious Assault.
I have a 180 minutes police tape of everything that went on within the 3 Departments.
It was horrendous !!!!!
Even though it was a fabricated story---the report remains the same.
Besides the police, others involved in setting-up my brother included, the female who lied, Steve's daughter, a niece both 13 years-old, and my older sister (who lived 3 houses away and behaved badly on that day).

I still have resentments against all three as well as several others. I would be lying if I said I have forgiven these people, however, I can live with what they did and I pray that they too will find peace in their hearts. Also, my love for family out weighs any/all resentments

Interestingly---
After 7 years, I finally was able to get angry at my brother. My brother was my best friend and we protected one another , however, not being able to feel anger toward him was a huge block to my recovery.

It finally came.....and I feel like I have moved a mountain with my grief.

Everyone heals differently and "on their on time frame".

Since my brothers death I have become much more involved with NAMI.
And early this year I helped start a new support group for anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide.
We call it HOPE!!!!
All the Best,
Isa

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