As the holidays near I find myself not being able to sleep. I find many times I am alone I thing of him. I know he felt he had reason enough but I hurt so much.

One month before he took his life he finally called after not returning my calls for months. I told him I loved him over the phone and he avoided me for all that time . When he finally called it was a shock to me. He blurted out he loved me, he interupted as I was talking to him about how happy I was he had called. Why did he have to call, why couldn't he have left it so that I would have never felt he cared?

Many times when I am alone. I wish I could have met his family. I was in the military and met him and his son years earlier. The last time I was with him I told him I loved him. Thats when months later he finally called me. We were very close until the last time I saw him when I went up to Virgina to see him. It was the most beautiful 4th of July wk. I could remember.

Why couldn't he have told me about his illness or just shut me out completely? When will this pain end. I am fine most of the time but when I begin to think of everything I could have said, done the last time we spoke I hurt.

Alone

Trish

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Replies to This Discussion

Trish,
Its those good memories,hearing those 3 special words that will bring you comfort in the days ahead. Yes its painful and heartbreaking now, I feel for you. But in time these things will be priceless and precious to you and you alone. This is your piece of his heart. His family are missing out on knowing you and seeing him thru your eyes and feeling him thru your heart. As you know you are also missing what his family has to share of him,the memories which they own. Its like a big puzzle in a way and everyone has something of your loves life to hold onto but no one has All the pieces. If that makes any sense? Keep talking and sharing and writing, it really does help to get that out. In time and with some help of some kind this pain will become more of a dull ache...It doesnt ever completely go away. I would take the pain knowing I got to have him be apart of my life my heart even if it your time together wasnt near long enough.Not sure if that came out right but I hope you get my meaning. I seem to be struggling putting words together today..sorry. Trish you will survive this loss and you can still be happy in your life without him. It wont mean you have forgotten. It will just take some time. Im still posting 7 years after by brothers death..but Im doing ok and my life has gone on. I sincerely hope this jumbled mess helps.
((Hug))
Sue
Sorry Trish,
I meant to add most importantly that you are not Alone here ..ok Im with ya as are others who are going thru the same thing. For what I couldnt handle I saw a professional. If you still arent sleeping perhaps book an appointment with your doctor. Im sorry you are going thru this, I truly am.
Sue
I hope I am not sounding selfish. I feel better today, at least for the moment. And you made so much sense, you usually do. It is much better to have loved than not to have loved at all.

I do feel better some what when I read and write on this site. I just wish I could meet his parents , family to have a part of him in my life. Maybe its not meant to be. I know from todays date that you might be feeling down. You lost 3 people which you cared so very much for . But you cant even begin to know how much you have meant to me by writing.

If you are not maybe you should look into finding work in the professional field : ). And if and when you are feeling low take your advise its wonderful

Trish
Trish,

I replied to the other post of yours before. I told you about my situation, very similar. July of 4th, disappearing, appearing again and final goodbye etc...

He seemed like he decided to handle his illness by himself, i didn't see what you could have done to make him stay. You were his love and would always be in his mind!

Hope you feel better real soon.
Trish,
Yes tomorrow is the anniversary of Kays death. Thankyou very much for remembering that, Im touched. I give here but truly I get more back, your comments meant a great deal to me thankyou.Back to you now...:)
I wonder if you could send his parents a christmas card, include an introductory note. One that lets them know how much you cared and how you miss your dear dear friend..their son.
Im glad today is a little easier than yesterday and I honestly hope tom. is better than today.
Funny thing bout taking ones own advice...no one ever does ..:) Thanks. For the record I am not in any professional field,I barely got thru grade 9... All I have in this field to offer stems from my own experiences. Ill take your comment as a compliment then. Thankyou Trish, Im really sorry about your loss...
Sue
Yes I remembered especially since so close to the holidays. As for his parents and grandmother ,sis., and son, in all the years I was in Va. I only met his son who is now 17.

When I got the obituary I got his mothers/sisters names. I called and left messages to a couple of people in the citie they lived which was a couple of hrs. from were I lived back then and not one called back. It was at the time it happened and I was devastated imagine them. They didn't know me at all why would they call this women whom they never met.

I was thinking of maybe looking up the names which I lost when I changed my e-mail address and trying again. Now it has been 2 yrs. and maybe they wouldn't mind hearing from me.

It is funny when you said now one rarely takes there own..... I always give out great advise but find myself never taking it. As for you saying you barely got thru 9 grade shocks me. You seem to be very intellegent but then again you don't have to finish school for that. Maybe you should return, its never to late.

Most of all I wanted to say ty for being there. I tried a while back to tell my good friend and she didn't know what to say to me. I could tell she felt ackward with the situation. I let it go and kept to myself. As for tomorrow I hope you have a wonderful, safe, and tranquil day. You deserve it.

Trish
Looks like Im not the only insomniac here tonight :)
Trish,of the family members you mentioned I would try the mom & sister. I think they would be both surprised and pleased that someone remembered him well after his passing. I know parents still like to hear their childrens names mentioned long after they are gone. Who knows how many still talk about him to them. Like you've noticed yourself...people feel awkward. I think your interest in him or their welfare may be better received this time around. I also think they (sister included) would be curious about your connection to him. I think its worth a shot. My fingers are crossed!
A blurb about me:
I probably would of done well with school, but I had to survive instead. Different times, hard times, forced me out into the workforce. It is what it is. I made a trade-off and got a trade,I run a small seasonal business. An education wouldnt of hurt any tho ..lol
Thanks, and good luck inyour efforts with his family,
Sue


Trish said:
Yes I remembered especially since so close to the holidays. As for his parents and grandmother ,sis., and son, in all the years I was in Va. I only met his son who is now 17.

When I got the obituary I got his mothers/sisters names. I called and left messages to a couple of people in the citie they lived which was a couple of hrs. from were I lived back then and not one called back. It was at the time it happened and I was devastated imagine them. They didn't know me at all why would they call this women whom they never met.

I was thinking of maybe looking up the names which I lost when I changed my e-mail address and trying again. Now it has been 2 yrs. and maybe they wouldn't mind hearing from me.

It is funny when you said now one rarely takes there own..... I always give out great advise but find myself never taking it. As for you saying you barely got thru 9 grade shocks me. You seem to be very intellegent but then again you don't have to finish school for that. Maybe you should return, its never to late.

Most of all I wanted to say ty for being there. I tried a while back to tell my good friend and she didn't know what to say to me. I could tell she felt ackward with the situation. I let it go and kept to myself. As for tomorrow I hope you have a wonderful, safe, and tranquil day. You deserve it.

Trish

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