On 8/26/2009, we lost a precious son-Ryan- 31 yrs. old -to suicide-it was the worst day of our lives- the day our lives changed forever! It has been 4 months since that day & I still cry uncontrollibly every day . It has been hard to eat- food just cloggs up in my throat because I always think how he loved good food. For weeks it was so hard to sleep because it was such a loss my mind was so overwhelmed I could hardly even lay down to rest.His empty room seems to scream his absence ,he'd lived w/us for nearly 2 yrs.When we go to his gravesite it tears my heart to pieces all over again.I feel like I'm turning my back on him & leaving him there in that awful place. At times I feel it's time to go bring him home ,knowing full well he is gone forever ! No parent should ever have to feel this kind of pain, that never goes away ! We could not enjoy Christmas at all w/out him .For once I am so glad it is over .He has 3 little boys- twins, age 10- & another age 9 yrs. & we feel such pain for their loss too,to see the tears & hurt on their little faces ! Their mother & daddy divorced 2 yrs. ago & NOW THEY'VE LOST DADDY FOREVER ! Sometimes I feel angry at him for robbing all of us of him from our lives !He was so precious how could he do this to us all-especially his children ? But yet I know he was suffering inside & could'nt deal w/ it any longer . I have found that grief is a monster !!!

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Del
Im so sorry. I am a mom too but can only imagine the loss of a child. What I can tell you is that it will get easier. I know that seems impossible right now but you can survive this, I promise. Have you seen a doctor or therapist? I read everything I could get my hands on. I talked and talked and wrote and did everything I could think of to get my head around it. Being with other survivors was instrumental for me. I saw a doctor for the things I could not control like constant crying and I was lucky to have a great husband who never critized that I hadnt showered or was in the same clothes as the day before. I was lucky. Anger is an emotion that many survivors feel. It has never been mine but we all grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way. Please read over other posts here and you will see you are not alone in this. I have been off and on suicide survivor forums 8 years now, Ive come along way....yet I still am deeply affected. I am here to listen and if I can help you in anyway...please let me know. You need to talk about this, it really does help. This is a safe place and I hope you come bck as often as you need. In the mean time its one day at a time , just breathe, be gentle with yourself. It may sound silly but honestly give yourself permission to take care of you.
Sue
Dear Del: We just lost our youngest son, Michael (who is 28) two weeks ago. We know the pain - just getting away after the funeral I felt as though I was abandoning him. Yesterday was ok, the day before was horrible. We have no idea why your son - who was the life of each member of our family - would do this. He was recently being treated for depression and was suppose to go for medical tests on other symptoms. His doctor told us he never saw this coming. We are so lost I don't know how to find a way back, every morning I wake up with this tight, pain where my heart should be, it's a nightmare everyday. I know Michael had to just be hurting so badly himself that his choice was not a choice - it just happened to stop the pain. Our neighbor's son took his life three years ago and left 5 children. They are helping us too. No one understands, I hope you can find comfort here sharing with others.
Thank you Carla for your response as well as the others;I just found this site yesterday unexpectedly,but glad I did find it . I wish I had found it 4 months ago. grief is like you are struggling to find a breath to breathe but there seems to be none to find- so you have no choice but to keep struggling & every second is unbearable- but there is no escape or relief to be found.. In my deep shock & grief I allowed Ryan to be put away in short sleeves ( down to his elbows) a favorite shirt - & now it's winter & I regret that ! I keep wanting to go cover him up good - & there's no way I can do that .I keep trying to picture him in heaven in total comfort, peace & joy at last - but the grave pops into my mind & I can't seem to shake that from my mind .My husband, Ryans father , cannot cry openly & he hears or sees me sobbing & cannot help me either , so I know it makes him suffer to see me out of control, so I try to go to another room to cry it out .My other adult children are suffering too, as well as Ryans closest friends & relatives . His best friends that partly grew up in our home was Ryans pallbearers & they think of him like their brother & they are hurting too.We all have many questions that will never be answered.Everyone loved Ryan . We all grieve for his 3 little boys too- twins age 10, & one age 9. Time has helped a little bit but it's so hard to go on without him .Thanksgiving & Christmas was very difficult & we're all glad it is over with. I will remember you in my prayers,I know it's hard to see GOD anywhere in all this but HE IS STILL ON THE THRONE , & WE BELIEVE HE HAS GIVEN US CONFIRMATION THAT OUR SON IN THERE WITH HIM IN HEAVEN .WE KNOW OUR SON WAS SUFFERING FROM A BAD DIVORCE & WAS ALSO SUFFERING BI-POLAR & ANXIETY ATTACKS- WHICH IS OVERWHELMING & I know it all was just too much for him to deal with any longer !!This has been worse than losing my parents , 2 siblings & a little grandaughter 6 yrs. old !! I pray GOD takes this grief away from us all quickly .GOD BLESS YOU & YOURS- MY EMAIL ADDRESS IS delphiarogers@yahoo.com if you want to talk sometime .

Carla said:
Dear Del: We just lost our youngest son, Michael (who is 28) two weeks ago. We know the pain - just getting away after the funeral I felt as though I was abandoning him. Yesterday was ok, the day before was horrible. We have no idea why your son - who was the life of each member of our family - would do this. He was recently being treated for depression and was suppose to go for medical tests on other symptoms. His doctor told us he never saw this coming. We are so lost I don't know how to find a way back, every morning I wake up with this tight, pain where my heart should be, it's a nightmare everyday. I know Michael had to just be hurting so badly himself that his choice was not a choice - it just happened to stop the pain. Our neighbor's son took his life three years ago and left 5 children. They are helping us too. No one understands, I hope you can find comfort here sharing with others.
HELLO SUE-THANKS FOR RESPONDING; I feel like others around me don't want to hear about my grief because there's no way they can know the pain I am feeling- as a mom who has lost one of her darling children.I have learned that the hard way , I tho't I was a very sympathetic person but now kno you have to live thru a horror like this to feel what it is really like - to which I WOULD NOT WISH ON AN ANIMAL LET ALONE A HUMAN .No more " I LOVE YOU MOM"'S 0R NO MORE HUGS FROM MY RYAN - NO MORE " GOOD MORNING MOM " FROM RYAN OR " SEE YOU TOMORROW MOM ",or any more phone calls to check in on mom & dad - & NO MATTER HOW MANY OTHER CHILDREN YOU HAVE- THERE'S NO WAY ONE CAN TAKE THE PLACE OF ANOTHER - EVEN THO YOU LOVE EACH ONE UNCONDITIONALLY !! When someone comes to visit I dread for them to leave , & when we go somewhere I don't want to return home -- because as long as your mind is occupied you forget the pain & loss for those short periods of time, but you can't have a baby-sitter to fullfill your time ! It's hard to eat, sleep or laugh. I have cried in the shower, on the toilet, running the vacumn, cookin food , washing dishes ,shopping for groceries or other needs,going to bed ,0r waking up mornings, there's no escaping grief , it follows you everywhere you go or anything you try to do . If Ryan had of had any idea what this would do to us he could not have done this awful thing . I believe if he'd waited a few more seconds it may not have happened .We'll never know ! I'm sorry for your loss too , it's too horrible to ever imagine it coulp happen to you !! GOD BLESS YOU is my prayer . My email is delphiarogers@yahoo.com if you want to email me .

SUE said:
Del
Im so sorry. I am a mom too but can only imagine the loss of a child. What I can tell you is that it will get easier. I know that seems impossible right now but you can survive this, I promise. Have you seen a doctor or therapist? I read everything I could get my hands on. I talked and talked and wrote and did everything I could think of to get my head around it. Being with other survivors was instrumental for me. I saw a doctor for the things I could not control like constant crying and I was lucky to have a great husband who never critized that I hadnt showered or was in the same clothes as the day before. I was lucky. Anger is an emotion that many survivors feel. It has never been mine but we all grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way. Please read over other posts here and you will see you are not alone in this. I have been off and on suicide survivor forums 8 years now, Ive come along way....yet I still am deeply affected. I am here to listen and if I can help you in anyway...please let me know. You need to talk about this, it really does help. This is a safe place and I hope you come bck as often as you need. In the mean time its one day at a time , just breathe, be gentle with yourself. It may sound silly but honestly give yourself permission to take care of you.
Sue
Del: I know only a couple of things; from what Michael's sister and brother found in his apartment there was absolutely no sign he meant to do this - he had plans and was making plans for a future. We will never know what happened that night that pushed him to do this, and the other thing I know is Michael hated to see anything - animal or person, and especially his family suffer at all. His grandmother, my mom, just passed away in August from a long illness and we were all with her, but Michael was so upset because she suffered at all and because grandpa was so broken hearted - I know our son would not consciously have caused us to feel this pain, it would not be in him to do that. I believe he was not in his right mind and something snapped. There was no note except several calls to his friend (who did not/would not/or are lying) who did not answer Michael, and a text on his phone "I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever". My faith has been shaken to its roots, I can't even imagine Michael ok though I beg him every day to show me that he is ok and in heaven now. I soon found out who were Michael's real friends at the funeral service. Our older children I know are suffering but they are doing all they can to hold their father and me in love and support. They have done so much we couldnt do. I was able to see Michael's body and I told him, this evil took your body, but it did not take you. I believe that. I just keep whispering the name of Jesus every time my mind tries to replay what might have happened or where his body is now.

My email is moberg7@msn.com - anytime you are welcome. And anyone who needs to talk. I know I do and I am afraid others will get tired of hearing me say the same things and talk about the same stuff all over again.
Carla said:
Del: I know only a couple of things; from what Michael's sister and brother found in his apartment there was absolutely no sign he meant to do this - he had plans and was making plans for a future. We will never know what happened that night that pushed him to do this, and the other thing I know is Michael hated to see anything - animal or person, and especially his family suffer at all. His grandmother, my mom, just passed away in August from a long illness and we were all with her, but Michael was so upset because she suffered at all and because grandpa was so broken hearted - I know our son would not consciously have caused us to feel this pain, it would not be in him to do that. I believe he was not in his right mind and something snapped. There was no note except several calls to his friend (who did not/would not/or are lying) and a text on his phone "I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever". My faith has been shaken to its roots, I can't even imagine Michael ok though I beg him every day to show me that he is ok and in heaven now. I soon found out who were Michael's real friends at the funeral service. Our older children I know are suffering but they are doing all they can to hold their father and me in love and support. They have done so much we couldnt do. I was able to see Michael's body and I told him, this evil took your body, but it did not take you. I believe that. I just keep whispering the name of Jesus every time my mind tries to replay what might have happened or where his body is now.

My email is moberg7@msn.com - anytime you are welcome. And anyone who needs to talk. I know I do and I am afraid others will get tired of hearing me say the same things and talk about the same stuff all over again.
Del and Carla,
I know this is still so early in your grief, so many questions, so many what ifs..this is a process, a long journey with low lows. I know. I had always considered myself a strong person until the deaths of half my adult family. I realized I needed serious help for the first time in my life. I felt my brothers death awakened insecurities,self doubt,uselessness,and despair, I was reduced to mush. Barely recognizable to myself. I can say with certainty that you are changed by this loss forever, but you will also get past the immense pain you are in right now. Please just take it one minute,1 hour,1 breath at a time. Do only as much as you can handle doing right now. Your loved ones and true friends will understand. You will need the support of those close to you, try not to completely shut them out. Keep talking, seek help, and know you are not alone...Im sorry any of us have a reason to be here.
Sue
Del, My name is Tammy, and I understand exactly how you feel. I lost my son, Chris, to suicide on June 21, 2008. He was 23 years old. It has been a year and a half and I still cry daily. Everytime I go to his gravesite, I leave there completely drained of all my energy, and I feel like I am turning my back on him. This was a second Christmas without Chris and it will never ever be the same. He was always so full of life, and had the most amazing dimples when he smiled. He would light up the room when he smiled. I agree with you, that no parent should have to feel this kind of pain. Even though it has been a year and a half, it still has not gotten any easier, and I don't know that it ever will get easier. It still feels like a never-ending nightmare, I keep hoping that I will wake up, but I know that it is real and that it is not a nightmare. Just wanted to let you know that I am here for you if you need to talk, my email is nanna-t@hotmail.com.
YES I DID FEEL LIKE I WANTED TO GO ON TO BE W/ RYAN - BUT I STILL HAVE MY WONDERFUL- HEARTBROKEN HUSBAND & 4 OTHER CHILDREN THAT ARE GRIEVING THEIR LOSS TOO- SO I DON'T WANT TO ADD TO THEIR HEARTBREAK- SO FEEL I HAVE TO KEEP GOING FOR THEM & ALSO RYANS 3 SMALL BOYS THAT MISS THEIR DADDY SO BADLY TOO. WE FEEL LIKE BEING W/ THEM HELPS THEM & US AS WELL, BUT EVEN THAT HURTS ! ITS A NO WIN SITUATION BUT NO WAY OUT OF IT ! WE JUST CAN TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME - & WE CAN ALL PRAY FOR EACH OTHER FOR STRENGTH FOR THIS HUGE TASK THATS ON OUR HEARTS & MINDS ! GOD HELP US ALL !!!
Dear Del,

So sorry for your loss, I lost my son Kenny this was my 2nd Christmas without him
he and is younger brother would sneak and get into presents before christmas day the last 2 yrs my son doenst even care about christmas its not the same I force my self to be happy I dont want to be bitter anymore I have to look for reasons to be happy I force myself to enjoy the sun when its out. I want to be happy I know my son didnt want me to be unhappy he couldnt control the darkness in his mind he tried but he lost the battle its like losing your life to cancer you lose your mind to deep dark place that no everyone can understand I only understood after he was gone I found my self saying so this is what his depression felt like but I chose to deal with it diffently I write him letters and pray for him my self and my younger son to find peace. Being happy doenst mean you forgot about him you never will. Remind your self and grandchildren of the good times. I wish your whole family peace its in your hearts you will feel it again when your ready.
DEAR DENISE;I'm so sorry for your loss of your son- it's been nearly 5 months since we lost our Ryan . I can get thru the days somewhat easier now ,but the tears still pour at times .I CATCH MYSELF CRYING I WANT HIM BACK - BUT THERE'S NO WAY- so I cry it out till I can stop ;& try to keep going on w/out him .I PRAY YOU CAN FIND PEACE & STRENGTH FROM GOD - FOR THATS OUR ONLY HOPE NOW !! WE MUST CONCENTRATE ON OUR OTHER CHILDREN - THEY'RE HURTING & REALLY NEED US TOO . YES CHRISTMAS WAS SOOO SAD WITHOUT HIM - & TO SEE RYANS 3 LITTLE BOYS WITHOUT THEIR DADDY WAS SO HARD TOO .GOD HELP US ALL WHO ARE GOING THRU THIS AWFUL PAIN .
Del,

So sorry for your loss, I lost my son Kenny this was my 2nd Christmas without him
he and is younger brother would sneak and get into presents before christmas day the last 2 yrs my son doenst even care about christmas its not the same I force my self to be happy I dont want to be bitter anymore I have to look for reasons to be happy I force myself to enjoy the sun when its out. I want to be happy I know my son didnt want me to be unhappy he couldnt control the darkness in his mind he tried but he lost the battle its like losing your life to cancer you lose your mind to deep dark place that no everyone can understand I only understood after he was gone I found my self saying so this is what his depression felt like but I chose to deal with it diffently I write him letters and pray for him my self and my younger son to find peace. Being happy doenst mean you forgot about him you never will. Remind your self and grandchildren of the good times. I wish your whole family peace its in your hearts you will feel it again when your ready.

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