I lost my son to suicide.

My son Bryan take his life Nov.21,2009 And I'm so very sad and cry all the time. And ask WHY he would do that. We love him so very much he was only 34 Years old.

Recommend

0 members like this

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Carla on January 15, 2010 at 4:50pm

My heart breaks for you. Our son took his life on December 13th, 2009, and I am so much like you. Our Michael was 28. Every day is a struggle but please know we are praying for you as others pray for us and somehow our sons will know how much they are loved and missed right now.

Permalink Reply by SUE on January 16, 2010 at 11:20am

Linda,
Im so sorry. Keep talking it helps. Your son was almost the same age as my brother. I never saw it coming. Just try to be gentle with yourself okay, its not your fault. He lost his battle with depression, as horrible as cancer. ((Hugs))
Sue

Permalink Reply by Denise on January 16, 2010 at 4:17pm

Im sorry for you, I lost my son Jan 17,2008 to suicide he was 23 and I have cried for the last 2 years. It so hard to focas on anything. I pray for him all the time,
That he is at peace. Keep talking to friends and family.

Permalink Reply by Sherilyn on January 17, 2010 at 2:16pm

On November 11 ,2005 my 17 year old daughter Kelly, beautiful and full of life was dropped off home at 7:15 pm by her boyfriend. At about 9:35 p.m. that night, she quietly went into her bedroom that she loved so much, and hung herself with her puppy's leash. I found her at at 10:10p.m. The grief is only that, of what another parent who lost a child to suicide would even possible understand. Then on May 28, 2006 at about 9:10 p.m. my 30 yr. old son, Kevin, tucked his little boy of 7 yrs. into bed one night, put the needed medicine on his feet and kissed him good night, only it wasn't a kiss of good night, it was a kiss of "good bye" for right after he went downstairs to the bathroom shower about 9:35 p.m. and hung himself. His little boy recalled the next day, in tears, he said, "Popa kissed me and told me good bye last night, not good night?" Then on May 31, 2009 my youngest son, Cleve, was found dead in his apartment in SLC, Utah, at the age of 22 years. Just 2 months before that he had to pull my husbands, his fathers mangled up body out from underneath a car accident we had just outside of Thompson, Utah. This all just proved to much for Cleve to bear......I cry to everynight, every day, neither left a note, not an I love you, nothing. They just simply went to another place. So, go ahead and cry, for that is all we have left of them here is our tears, the memories and our hearts. I haven't as yet gotten over the part where I can recall the good memories, for each time I thought I was close to being able to do so, another loss I had to go through. Then I lost my dad in between my husband and my son Cleve. People will often with good intentions come up to me and say, "You look good, you are smiling. But, oh how I long to say to them, "But it is not my face, nor my smile that is broken, it is my heart."

Permalink Reply by SUE on January 17, 2010 at 9:41pm

Sherilyn,
My heart just broke reading your story. I wish for you continued strength. I dont know as a Mom what it is like to lose a child or 2 or tragically 3 or to find a loved one gone, but I can surely feel your pain thru the words you've spoken here. This has to honestly be the most gut wrenching thing Ive ever read....and you have lived it...Im sorry doesnt cover it adequately..but I truly am. I include my sympathies for the loss of your dear husband as well. Having survived so much loss I wonder how managed to put one foot in front of the other never mind a smile... I hope you have lots of support from some close friends or other family members. I have to believe we will all be reunited when our time comes. Have you considered doing a memorial of them all? I tried something similiar and found it theraputic..as well as belonging to a survivor of suicide group. Im just throwing stuff out there cause I really want to help. I have lost loved ones in the most horrific of circumstances but none were my children. I can only imagine...Please take a look at an old post of mine suicide survivors I hope this helps...maby there is something in there that might help. Im thinking of you and your beautiful family..I hope your grandson like my grandson continues to bring some happiness to your life. You deserve some of that..
((Hugs))
Sue

Permalink Reply by Sherilyn on January 18, 2010 at 10:35am

SUE said:

Sherilyn,
My heart just broke reading your story. I wish for you continued strength. I dont know as a Mom what it is like to lose a child or 2 or tragically 3 or to find a loved one gone, but I can surely feel your pain thru the words you've spoken here. This has to honestly be the most gut wrenching thing Ive ever read....and you have lived it...Im sorry doesnt cover it adequately..but I truly am. I include my sympathies for the loss of your dear husband as well. Having survived so much loss I wonder how managed to put one foot in front of the other never mind a smile... I hope you have lots of support from some close friends or other family members. I have to believe we will all be reunited when our time comes. Have you considered doing a memorial of them all? I tried something similiar and found it theraputic..as well as belonging to a survivor of suicide group. Im just throwing stuff out there cause I really want to help. I have lost loved ones in the most horrific of circumstances but none were my children. I can only imagine...Please take a look at an old post of mine suicide survivors I hope this helps...maby there is something in there that might help. Im thinking of you and your beautiful family..I hope your grandson like my grandson continues to bring some happiness to your life. You deserve some of that..
((Hugs))
Sue

Permalink Reply by Sherilyn on January 18, 2010 at 10:36am

Sherilyn Sowell said:

SUE said:
Sherilyn,
My heart just broke reading your story. I wish for you continued strength. I dont know as a Mom what it is like to lose a child or 2 or tragically 3 or to find a loved one gone, but I can surely feel your pain thru the words you've spoken here. This has to honestly be the most gut wrenching thing Ive ever read....and you have lived it...Im sorry doesnt cover it adequately..but I truly am. I include my sympathies for the loss of your dear husband as well. Having survived so much loss I wonder how managed to put one foot in front of the other never mind a smile... I hope you have lots of support from some close friends or other family members. I have to believe we will all be reunited when our time comes. Have you considered doing a memorial of them all? I tried something similiar and found it theraputic..as well as belonging to a survivor of suicide group. Im just throwing stuff out there cause I really want to help. I have lost loved ones in the most horrific of circumstances but none were my children. I can only imagine...Please take a look at an old post of mine suicide survivors I hope this helps...maby there is something in there that might help. Im thinking of you and your beautiful family..I hope your grandson like my grandson continues to bring some happiness to your life. You deserve some of that..
((Hugs))
Sue

Permalink Reply by Sherilyn on January 18, 2010 at 11:34am

Sue and Linda, I am so sorry. I wrote a response and must have did something wrong? As it just reprinted Sue's response? I will try again later, and try to figure out what went wrong. I clicked on Reply to this, and ? hmm. again I am so sorry.

Permalink Reply by Sherilyn on January 18, 2010 at 11:39am

Ok, I think I figured it out. Linda, one thing that helped me alot after Kelly died by sucide is to read other people's stories. And the only one's at that time I was interested in was that of other parents who lost a child to suicide....I will share some of my experiences with you later. And thank you Sue,,,the day this blog came to me I was at a crossroad with myself....a crossroad that was dark, and scary to me. Maybe, a place where my children, and Linda's and Denise's was. I will write more later.

Permalink Reply by Denise on January 19, 2010 at 8:38pm

Dear Sherilyn,

Im sorry for you, and your family. I came home from work Jan 17, 2008 to find my 23yr old son hangin in his bedroom still cant understand why. Still cant get the picture out of my head I hear from people time will heal you time hasnt done it I have chosen to heal my self by talking to people reading books about suicide and praying every day for peace for my son myself and the rest of my family its a long process keep reaching out , people who have never lost a child cant even imagine the pain and you wouldnt want them to. Its not your fault. Your grandson has suffered a big loss to dont forget about him .I feel like I have forgot my younger son these past 2 years I was so lost in my own grief and I realized I had become my mother she had forgot about me when my brother was killed when I was 10 yrs old and I became a very angry kid Only to lose her to depression at 18yrs old. Cherish your grandchild he will have a rough road and will need alot of love and support. My heart
goes out to you.

Permalink Reply by Sherilyn on January 24, 2010 at 11:51pm

I fear I am losing the battle. I can't think, I can't feel, I can't....what is this place called where I am at? I can't see it for the tears always burning stinging my eyes....Yes, the burning image in my heart, seeing my beautiful little girl, so perfect so young, 17, hanging in her bedroom closet even then with grace and beauty, her long and always perfectly combed brown hair hanging there with her, her eyes slightly open, but there was no life in them. I stopped asking "why?" I actually have 2 grandkids without their daddy's now. One from my 30 year old son that just 5 1/2 months after his sister, died by suicide, and one from my 22 year old that died by an accidental overdose in SLC, Utah. Two babies that will never know their daddy's....my 30 year olds will, he will know and remember his dad. He will remember the night his mommy crying hysterically gathered him up in her small petite arms, drove him to her mother's house and called me to tell us he too killed himself, just as his sister had just months earlier......my other son, the one that just recently died, his little girl, 1 yr old, will never know him.....my 17 yr. olds daughter, I will never know what one of her babies would have looked like. I am still raising my sister's little girls. She is now 13. I could not choose which of your forums to go on. On September 17, 1975 my grandpa that I loved dearly, hung himself. I named by son after him. Because of something my grandfather said to me when I told him I was going to have a baby, his first great grandbaby, Then on December 7, 1999 my sister, age 38, without warning died of a massive stroke, leaving 3 children, my husband and I took the two youngest to raise, and I am still raising the youngest of the 3, now almost 14. Then on November 11, 2005, my daughter left this world by herself, on May 28, 2006 her older brother, my oldest son, joined her, both died by hanging, the same as my grandpa....We never told the kids my granpa killed himself, let alone how? it was a dark family dirty little secret, you didn't talk about it. Then on March 7, 2009 my husband, my 13 yr. old neice, and myself was in a serious car accident that could have easily claimed all of our lives but didn't, it took by husband, my strenght, my companion. The death of the kids did not tear us apart, like most marriages, it made us stronger. I wasn't even able to make the services, for I was in the hospital for almost a month after.....our son, was one of the first out on the scene, and for reason's we don't know, the fire dept. left, the hwy. patrol left, followed both ambulances to the hospital. They didn't give me a chance of making it....so, left out on the scene was just family now, my husbands son from another marriage, our son, my son from another marriage, my nephew and my nephew in-law, had to lift the Explorer up off of my husband, and as they did the seat belt entangled him, my son, Cleve, who was struggling with the death of his siblings, and sick with worry over my niece, as he always thought she was his little sister, and especially after his own little sister died, he took to her and worried over her. he had to hold his dad's body up while they untangled the seat belt and Cleve had to lower his deceased fathers body gently to the ground. He held him for a minute sobbing and then gently pulled all his clothes back on him and help carry him to the hearsh......Cleve could handle no more. He was lost to us then. He knew his grandfather also was not doing good, all of this proved to hard for everyone, and my father gave up living also. Not by sucide, but he starved himself to death, I sat by his side and watch him take the last breath,,,,on April 27, 1999. Cleve cried, and said, "Mom, who's next?" He moved to SLC, Utah thinking he could escape the griefe, the publicity of it all. For not only was all this going on, in 2002 our daughter Kelly before dying by suicide was the center of a crime here in our small town. Kelly was on the side of the law, the State. It affected all her siblings, her family, her friends, even her pets.....even though Kelly was gone, this ordeal went on for 7 long agonizing years. Cleve made it in SLC, Ut. for 1 month.....his lifeless body was found on the morning of May 31, 2009. So, you see which one do I go to. The loss of my sibling? or my spouse? or my child? or suicide survivor, for I have been a survivor of that since 1975.............my friend who supported me and my family all through the first trial died by sucide on June 13, 2007. I held her hand, put her to bed....and she died. Just died like the others, I didn't know she had taken alot of sleeping pills, I just thought she was really tired and had to much to drink, but she called and wanted me there........I never got to say good bye to not one, but my dad....So, you see I feel I am losing. Like it is winning. I fight it, and I fight it,,,but the tears still win. The helpless feeling still wins, the images burned into my mind of seeing them all still burn,,,,ache...............so where is this place I am at? I love to sleep, for then I can see them sometimes. We all have losses that seem so unfair don't we?

Permalink Reply by Sherilyn on January 25, 2010 at 12:09am

Sherilyn Sowell said:

I fear I am losing the battle. I can't think, I can't feel, I can't....what is this place called where I am at? I can't see it for the tears always burning stinging my eyes....Yes, the burning image in my heart, seeing my beautiful little girl, so perfect so young, 17, hanging in her bedroom closet even then with grace and beauty, her long and always perfectly combed brown hair hanging there with her, her eyes slightly open, but there was no life in them. I stopped asking "why?" I actually have 2 grandkids without their daddy's now. One from my 30 year old son that just 5 1/2 months after his sister, died by suicide, and one from my 22 year old that died by an accidental overdose in SLC, Utah. Two babies that will never know their daddy's....my 30 year olds will, he will know and remember his dad. He will remember the night his mommy crying hysterically gathered him up in her small petite arms, drove him to her mother's house and called me to tell us he too killed himself, just as his sister had just months earlier......my other son, the one that just recently died, his little girl, 1 yr old, will never know him.....my 17 yr. olds daughter, I will never know what one of her babies would have looked like. I am still raising my sister's little girls. She is now 13. I could not choose which of your forums to go on. On September 17, 1975 my grandpa that I loved dearly, hung himself. I named by son after him. Because of something my grandfather said to me when I told him I was going to have a baby, his first great grandbaby, Then on December 7, 1999 my sister, age 38, without warning died of a massive stroke, leaving 3 children, my husband and I took the two youngest to raise, and I am still raising the youngest of the 3, now almost 14. Then on November 11, 2005, my daughter left this world by herself, on May 28, 2006 her older brother, my oldest son, joined her, both died by hanging, the same as my grandpa....We never told the kids my grandpa killed himself, let alone how? it was a dark family dirty little secret, you didn't talk about it. Then on March 7, 2009 my husband, my 13 yr. old neice, and myself was in a serious car accident that could have easily claimed all of our lives but didn't, it took by husband, my strength, my companion. The death of the kids did not tear us apart, like most marriages, it made us stronger. I wasn't even able to make the services, for I was in the hospital for almost a month after.....our son, was one of the first out on the scene, and for reason's we don't know why, the fire dept. left& the hwy. patrol left, they both followed the ambulances to the hospital. The Dr's didn't give me a chance of making it....so, now left out on the scene was just family now, my husbands son from another marriage, our son, my son from another marriage, my nephew and my nephew in-law, all had to lift the Ford Explorer up off of my husband body, and as they did the seat belt entangled him, my son, Cleve, who was already struggling with the death of his siblings, and sick with worry over my niece and his mom as he always thought she was his little sister, and especially after his own little sister died, he took to her and worried over her. He had to hold his dad's body up while they untangled the seat belt he was entangled in and Cleve had to lower his deceased fathers body gently to the ground. He held him for a minute sobbing and then gently pulled all his clothes back on him and help carry him to the awaiting hearsh......Cleve could handle no more. He was lost to us then. He knew his grandfather also was not doing good, all of this proved to hard for everyone, and then my father gave up living also. Not by sucide, but he starved himself to death, I sat by his side and watched him take the last breath,,,,on April 27, 2009. Cleve cried, and said, "Mom, who's next?" He moved to SLC, Utah thinking he could escape the unrelentless grief and the publicity of it all. For not only was all this going on, in 2002 our daughter Kelly before dying by suicide was the center of a crime here in our small town. Kelly was on the side of the law, the State. It affected all her siblings, her family, her friends, even her pets.....even though Kelly was gone, this ordeal went on for 7 long agonizing years. Cleve made it in SLC, Ut. for 1 month.....his lifeless body was found on the morning of May 31, 2009. So, you see which one do I go to. The loss of my sibling?(my mom lost a baby also) or my spouse? or my child? or suicide survivor, my grandpa who died by suicide,for I have been a survivor of that since 1975.............my friend who supported me and my family all through the first trial died by sucide on June 13, 2007. I held her hand, put her to bed....and she died. Just died like the others, I didn't know she had taken alot of sleeping pills, I just thought she was really tired and had to much to drink, but she called and wanted me there........I never got to say good bye to not one, but my dad....So, you see I feel I am losing. Like it is winning. I fight it, and I fight it,,,but the tears still win. The helpless feeling still wins, the images burned into my mind of seeing them all still burn,,,,ache...............so where is this place I am at? I love to sleep, for then I can see them sometimes. We all have losses that seem so unfair don't we. There are no answers here. Alot of people support me and try to help....but I can feel a feeling like no other. My 17 year old wrote poetry. One versus to one she wrote was this, "I am putting on that happy face, for everyone to see, I am trying so hard to be the person that they want me to be. But, it's not the realy me."