My son Bryan take his life Nov.21,2009 And I'm so very sad and cry all the time. And ask WHY he would do that. We love him so very much he was only 34 Years old.

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Sherilyn Sowell said:
Sherilyn Sowell said:
I fear I am losing the battle. I can't think, I can't feel, I can't....what is this place called where I am at? I can't see it for the tears always burning stinging my eyes....Yes, the burning image in my heart, seeing my beautiful little girl, so perfect so young, 17, hanging in her bedroom closet even then with grace and beauty, her long and always perfectly combed brown hair hanging there with her, her eyes slightly open, but there was no life in them. I stopped asking "why?" I actually have 2 grandkids without their daddy's now. One from my 30 year old son that just 5 1/2 months after his sister, died by suicide, and one from my 22 year old that died by an accidental overdose in SLC, Utah. Two babies that will never know their daddy's....my 30 year olds will, he will know and remember his dad. He will remember the night his mommy crying hysterically gathered him up in her small petite arms, drove him to her mother's house and called me to tell us he too killed himself, just as his sister had just months earlier......my other son, the one that just recently died, his little girl, 1 yr old, will never know him.....my 17 yr. olds daughter, I will never know what one of her babies would have looked like. I am still raising my sister's little girls. She is now 13. I could not choose which of your forums to go on. On September 17, 1975 my grandpa that I loved dearly, hung himself. I named by son after him. Because of something my grandfather said to me when I told him I was going to have a baby, his first great grandbaby, Then on December 7, 1999 my sister, age 38, without warning died of a massive stroke, leaving 3 children, my husband and I took the two youngest to raise, and I am still raising the youngest of the 3, now almost 14. Then on November 11, 2005, my daughter left this world by herself, on May 28, 2006 her older brother, my oldest son, joined her, both died by hanging, the same as my grandpa....We never told the kids my grandpa killed himself, let alone how? it was a dark family dirty little secret, you didn't talk about it. Then on March 7, 2009 my husband, my 13 yr. old neice, and myself was in a serious car accident that could have easily claimed all of our lives but didn't, it took by husband, my strength, my companion. The death of the kids did not tear us apart, like most marriages, it made us stronger. I wasn't even able to make the services, for I was in the hospital for almost a month after.....our son, was one of the first out on the scene, and for reason's we don't know why, the fire dept. left& the hwy. patrol left, they both followed the ambulances to the hospital. The Dr's didn't give me a chance of making it....so, now left out on the scene was just family now, my husbands son from another marriage, our son, my son from another marriage, my nephew and my nephew in-law, all had to lift the Ford Explorer up off of my husband body, and as they did the seat belt entangled him, my son, Cleve, who was already struggling with the death of his siblings, and sick with worry over my niece and his mom as he always thought she was his little sister, and especially after his own little sister died, he took to her and worried over her. He had to hold his dad's body up while they untangled the seat belt he was entangled in and Cleve had to lower his deceased fathers body gently to the ground. He held him f
Sherilyn Sowell said:
Sherilyn Sowell said:
THIS IS THE ONE TO READ. I DIDNT FINISH AND IT PUT THE FIRST PAGE THAT I THOUGHT I DELETED???
I fear I am losing the battle. I can't think, I can't feel, I can't....what is this place called where I am at? I can't see it for the tears always burning stinging my eyes....Yes, the burning image in my heart, seeing my beautiful little girl, so perfect so young, 17, hanging in her bedroom closet even then with grace and beauty, her long and always perfectly combed brown hair hanging there with her, her eyes slightly open, but there was no life in them. I stopped asking "why?" I actually have 2 grandkids without their daddy's now. One from my 30 year old son that just 5 1/2 months after his sister, died by suicide, and one from my 22 year old that died by an accidental overdose in SLC, Utah. Two babies that will never know their daddy's....my 30 year olds will, he will know and remember his dad. He will remember the night his mommy crying hysterically gathered him up in her small petite arms, drove him to her mother's house and called me to tell us he too killed himself, just as his sister had just months earlier......my other son, the one that just recently died, his little girl, 1 yr old, will never know him.....my 17 yr. olds daughter, I will never know what one of her babies would have looked like. I am still raising my sister's little girls. She is now 13. I could not choose which of your forums to go on. On September 17, 1975 my grandpa that I loved dearly, hung himself. I named by son after him. Because of something my grandfather said to me when I told him I was going to have a baby, his first great grandbaby, Then on December 7, 1999 my sister, age 38, without warning died of a massive stroke, leaving 3 children, my husband and I took the two youngest to raise, and I am still raising the youngest of the 3, now almost 14. Then on November 11, 2005, my daughter left this world by herself, on May 28, 2006 her older brother, my oldest son, joined her, both died by hanging, the same as my grandpa....We never told the kids my grandpa killed himself, let alone how? it was a dark family dirty little secret, you didn't talk about it. Then on March 7, 2009 my husband, my 13 yr. old neice, and myself was in a serious car accident that could have easily claimed all of our lives but didn't, it took by husband, my strength, my companion. The death of the kids did not tear us apart, like most marriages, it made us stronger. I wasn't even able to make the services, for I was in the hospital for almost a month after.....our son, was one of the first out on the scene, and for reason's we don't know why, the fire dept. left& the hwy. patrol left, they both followed the ambulances to the hospital. The Dr's didn't give me a chance of making it....so, now left out on the scene was just family now, my husbands son from another marriage, our son, my son from another marriage, my nephew and my nephew in-law, all had to lift the Ford Explorer up off of my husband body, and as they did the seat belt entangled him, my son, Cleve, who was already struggling with the death of his siblings, and sick with worry over my niece and his mom as he always thought she was his little sister, and especially after his own little sister died, he took to her and worried over her. He had to hold his dad's body up while they untangled the seat belt he was entangled in and Cleve had to lower his deceased fathers body gently to the ground. He held him for a minute sobbing and then gently pulled all his clothes back on him and help carry him to the awaiting hearsh......Cleve could handle no more. He was lost to us then. He knew his grandfather also was not doing good, all of this proved to hard for everyone, and then my father gave up living also. Not by sucide, but he starved himself to death, I sat by his side and watched him take the last breath,,,,on April 27, 2009. Cleve cried, and said, "Mom, who's next?" He moved to SLC, Utah thinking he could escape the unrelentless grief and the publicity of it all. For not only was all this going on, in 2002 our daughter Kelly before dying by suicide was the center of a crime here in our small town. Kelly was on the side of the law, the State. It affected all her siblings, her family, her friends, even her pets.....even though Kelly was gone, this ordeal went on for 7 long agonizing years. Cleve made it in SLC, Ut. for 1 month.....his lifeless body was found on the morning of May 31, 2009. So, you see which one do I go to. The loss of my sibling?(my mom lost a baby also) or my spouse? or my child? or suicide survivor, my grandpa who died by suicide,for I have been a survivor of that since 1975.............my friend who supported me and my family all through the first trial died by sucide on June 13, 2007. I held her hand, put her to bed....and she died. Just died like the others, I didn't know she had taken alot of sleeping pills, I just thought she was really tired and had to much to drink, but she called and wanted me there........I never got to say good bye to not one, but my dad....So, you see I feel I am losing. Like it is winning. I fight it, and I fight it,,,but the tears still win. The helpless feeling still wins, the images burned into my mind of seeing them all still burn,,,,ache...............so where is this place I am at? I love to sleep, for then I can see them sometimes. We all have losses that seem so unfair don't we. There are no answers here. Alot of people support me and try to help....but I can feel a feeling like no other. My 17 year old wrote poetry. One versus to one she wrote was this, "I am putting on that happy face, for everyone to see, I am trying so hard to be the person that they want me to be. But, it's not the real me."
Sherilyn Sowell said:
Sherilyn Sowell said:
Sherilyn Sowell said:
I fear I am losing the battle. I can't think, I can't feel, I can't....what is this place called where I am at? I can't see it for the tears always burning stinging my eyes....Yes, the burning image in my heart, seeing my beautiful little girl, so perfect so young, 17, hanging in her bedroom closet even then with grace and beauty, her long and always perfectly combed brown hair hanging there with her, her eyes slightly open, but there was no life in them. I stopped asking "why?" I actually have 2 grandkids without their daddy's now. One from my 30 year old son that just 5 1/2 months after his sister, died by suicide, and one from my 22 year old that died by an accidental overdose in SLC, Utah. Two babies that will never know their daddy's....my 30 year olds will, he will know and remember his dad. He will remember the night his mommy crying hysterically gathered him up in her small petite arms, drove him to her mother's house and called me to tell us he too killed himself, just as his sister had just months earlier......my other son, the one that just recently died, his little girl, 1 yr old, will never know him.....my 17 yr. olds daughter, I will never know what one of her babies would have looked like. I am still raising my sister's little girls. She is now 13. I could not choose which of your forums to go on. On September 17, 1975 my grandpa that I loved dearly, hung himself. I named by son after him. Because of something my grandfather said to me when I told him I was going to have a baby, his first great grandbaby, Then on December 7, 1999 my sister, age 38, without warning died of a massive stroke, leaving 3 children, my husband and I took the two youngest to raise, and I am still raising the youngest of the 3, now almost 14. Then on November 11, 2005, my daughter left this world by herself, on May 28, 2006 her older brother, my oldest son, joined her, both died by hanging, the same as my grandpa....We never told the kids my grandpa killed himself, let alone how? it was a dark family dirty little secret, you didn't talk about it. Then on March 7, 2009 my husband, my 13 yr. old neice, and myself was in a serious car accident that could have easily claimed all of our lives but didn't, it took by husband, my strength, my companion. The death of the kids did not tear us apart, like most marriages, it made us stronger. I wasn't even able to make the services, for I was in the hospital for almost a month after.....our son, was one of the first out on the scene, and for reason's we don't know why, the fire dept. left& the hwy. patrol left, they both followed the ambulances to the hospital. The Dr's didn't give me a chance of making it....so, now left out on the scene was just family now, my husbands son from another marriage, our son, my son from another marriage, my nephew and my nephew in-law, all had to lift the Ford Explorer up off of my husband body, and as they did the seat belt entangled him, my son, Cleve, who was already struggling with the death of his siblings, and sick with worry over my niece and his mom as he always thought she was his little sister, and especially after his own little sister died, he took to her and worried over her. He had to hold his dad's body up while they untangled the seat belt he was entangled in and Cleve had to lower his deceased fathers body gently to the ground. He held him for a minute sobbing and then gently pulled all his clothes back on him and help carry him to the awaiting hearsh......Cleve could handle no more. He was lost to us then. He knew his grandfather also was not doing good, all of this proved to hard for everyone, and then my father gave up living also. Not by sucide, but he starved himself to death, I sat by his side and watched him take the last breath,,,,on April 27, 2009. Cleve cried, and said, "Mom, who's next?" He moved to SLC, Utah thinking he could escape the unrelentless grief and the publicity of it all. For not only was all this going on, in 2002 our daughter Kelly before dying by suicide was the center of a crime here in our small town. Kelly was on the side of the law, the State. It affected all her siblings, her family, her friends, even her pets.....even though Kelly was gone, this ordeal went on for 7 long agonizing years. Cleve made it in SLC, Ut. for 1 month.....his lifeless body was found on the morning of May 31, 2009. So, you see which one do I go to. The loss of my sibling?(my mom lost a baby also) or my spouse? or my child? or suicide survivor, my grandpa who died by suicide,for I have been a survivor of that since 1975.............my friend who supported me and my family all through the first trial died by sucide on June 13, 2007. I held her hand, put her to bed....and she died. Just died like the others, I didn't know she had taken alot of sleeping pills, I just thought she was really tired and had to much to drink, but she called and wanted me there........I never got to say good bye to not one, but my dad....So, you see I feel I am losing. Like it is winning. I fight it, and I fight it,,,but the tears still win. The helpless feeling still wins, the images burned into my mind of seeing them all still burn,,,,ache...............so where is this place I am at? I love to sleep, for then I can see them sometimes. We all have losses that seem so unfair don't we. There are no answers here. Alot of people support me and try to help....but I can feel a feeling like no other. My 17 year old wrote poetry. One versus to one she wrote was this, "I am putting on that happy face, for everyone to see, I am trying so hard to be the person that they want me to be. But, it's not the real me."
cite="http://www.connect.legacy.com/group/suicidessurvivors/forum/comment/show?id=1984035%3AComment%3A36833&xn_out=json&firstPage=0&lastPage=1&xg_token=df1408e191a990d4e2334a5d3f6f8eef&dojo_preventCache=1264401002718#1984035Comment36833"
Sherilyn Sowell said:
Sherilyn Sowell said:
I fear I am losing the battle. I can't think, I can't feel, I can't....what is this place called where I am at? I can't see it for the tears always burning stinging my eyes....Yes, the burning image in my heart, seeing my beautiful little girl, so perfect so young, 17, hanging in her bedroom closet even then with grace and beauty, her long and always perfectly combed brown hair hanging there with her, her eyes slightly open, but there was no life in them. I stopped asking "why?" I actually have 2 grandkids without their daddy's now. One from my 30 year old son that just 5 1/2 months after his sister, died by suicide, and one from my 22 year old that died by an accidental overdose in SLC, Utah. Two babies that will never know their daddy's....my 30 year olds will, he will know and remember his dad. He will remember the night his mommy crying hysterically gathered him up in her small petite arms, drove him to her mother's house and called me to tell us he too killed himself, just as his sister had just months earlier......my other son, the one that just recently died, his little girl, 1 yr old, will never know him.....my 17 yr. olds daughter, I will never know what one of her babies would have looked like. I am still raising my sister's little girls. She is now 13. I could not choose which of your forums to go on. On September 17, 1975 my grandpa that I loved dearly, hung himself. I named by son after him. Because of something my grandfather said to me when I told him I was going to have a baby, his first great grandbaby, Then on December 7, 1999 my sister, age 38, without warning died of a massive stroke, leaving 3 children, my husband and I took the two youngest to raise, and I am still raising the youngest of the 3, now almost 14. Then on November 11, 2005, my daughter left this world by herself, on May 28, 2006 her older brother, my oldest son, joined her, both died by hanging, the same as my grandpa....We never told the kids my grandpa killed himself, let alone how? it was a dark family dirty little secret, you didn't talk about it. Then on March 7, 2009 my husband, my 13 yr. old neice, and myself was in a serious car accident that could have easily claimed all of our lives but didn't, it took by husband, my strength, my companion. The death of the kids did not tear us apart, like most marriages, it made us stronger. I wasn't even able to make the services, for I was in the hospital for almost a month after.....our son, was one of the first out on the scene, and for reason's we don't know why, the fire dept. left& the hwy. patrol left, they both followed the ambulances to the hospital. The Dr's didn't give me a chance of making it....so, now left out on the scene was just family now, my husbands son from another marriage, our son, my son from another marriage, my nephew and my nephew in-law, all had to lift the Ford Explorer up off of my husband body, and as they did the seat belt entangled him, my son, Cleve, who was already struggling with the death of his siblings, and sick with worry over my niece and his mom as he always thought she was his little sister, and especially after his own little sister died, he took to her and worried over her. He had to hold his dad's body up while they untangled the seat belt he was entangled in and Cleve had to lower his deceased fathers body gently to the ground. He held him for a minute sobbing and then gently pulled all his clothes back on him and help carry him to the awaiting hearsh......Cleve could handle no more. He was lost to us then. He knew his grandfather also was not doing good, all of this proved to hard for everyone, and then my father gave up living also. Not by sucide, but he starved himself to death, I sat by his side and watched him take the last breath,,,,on April 27, 2009. Cleve cried, and said, "Mom, who's next?" He moved to SLC, Utah thinking he could escape the unrelentless grief and the publicity of it all. For not only was all this going on, in 2002 our daughter Kelly before dying by suicide was the center of a crime here in our small town. Kelly was on the side of the law, the State. It affected all her siblings, her family, her friends, even her pets.....even though Kelly was gone, this ordeal went on for 7 long agonizing years. Cleve made it in SLC, Ut. for 1 month.....his lifeless body was found on the morning of May 31, 2009. So, you see which one do I go to. The loss of my sibling?(my mom lost a baby also) or my spouse? or my child? or suicide survivor, my grandpa who died by suicide,for I have been a survivor of that since 1975.............my friend who supported me and my family all through the first trial died by sucide on June 13, 2007. I held her hand, put her to bed....and she died. Just died like the others, I didn't know she had taken alot of sleeping pills, I just thought she was really tired and had to much to drink, but she called and wanted me there........I never got to say good bye to not one, but my dad....So, you see I feel I am losing. Like it is winning. I fight it, and I fight it,,,but the tears still win. The helpless feeling still wins, the images burned into my mind of seeing them all still burn,,,,ache...............so where is this place I am at? I love to sleep, for then I can see them sometimes. We all have losses that seem so unfair don't we. There are no answers here. Alot of people support me and try to help....but I can feel a feeling like no other. My 17 year old wrote poetry. One versus to one she wrote was this, "I am putting on that happy face, for everyone to see, I am trying so hard to be the person that they want me to be. But, it's not the real me."
Sherilyn Sowell said:
Sherilyn Sowell said:
Sherilyn Sowell said:
THIS IS THE ONE TO READ. I DIDNT FINISH AND IT PUT THE FIRST PAGE THAT I THOUGHT I DELETED???
I fear I am losing the battle. I can't think, I can't feel, I can't....what is this place called where I am at? I can't see it for the tears always burning stinging my eyes....Yes, the burning image in my heart, seeing my beautiful little girl, so perfect so young, 17, hanging in her bedroom closet even then with grace and beauty, her long and always perfectly combed brown hair hanging there with her, her eyes slightly open, but there was no life in them. I stopped asking "why?" I actually have 2 grandkids without their daddy's now. One from my 30 year old son that just 5 1/2 months after his sister, died by suicide, and one from my 22 year old that died by an accidental overdose in SLC, Utah. Two babies that will never know their daddy's....my 30 year olds will, he will know and remember his dad. He will remember the night his mommy crying hysterically gathered him up in her small petite arms, drove him to her mother's house and called me to tell us he too killed himself, just as his sister had just months earlier......my other son, the one that just recently died, his little girl, 1 yr old, will never know him.....my 17 yr. olds daughter, I will never know what one of her babies would have looked like. I am still raising my sister's little girls. She is now 13. I could not choose which of your forums to go on. On September 17, 1975 my grandpa that I loved dearly, hung himself. I named by son after him. Because of something my grandfather said to me when I told him I was going to have a baby, his first great grandbaby, Then on December 7, 1999 my sister, age 38, without warning died of a massive stroke, leaving 3 children, my husband and I took the two youngest to raise, and I am still raising the youngest of the 3, now almost 14. Then on November 11, 2005, my daughter left this world by herself, on May 28, 2006 her older brother, my oldest son, joined her, both died by hanging, the same as my grandpa....We never told the kids my grandpa killed himself, let alone how? it was a dark family dirty little secret, you didn't talk about it. Then on March 7, 2009 my husband, my 13 yr. old neice, and myself was in a serious car accident that could have easily claimed all of our lives but didn't, it took by husband, my strength, my companion. The death of the kids did not tear us apart, like most marriages, it made us stronger. I wasn't even able to make the services, for I was in the hospital for almost a month after.....our son, was one of the first out on the scene, and for reason's we don't know why, the fire dept. left& the hwy. patrol left, they both followed the ambulances to the hospital. The Dr's didn't give me a chance of making it....so, now left out on the scene was just family now, my husbands son from another marriage, our son, my son from another marriage, my nephew and my nephew in-law, all had to lift the Ford Explorer up off of my husband body, and as they did the seat belt entangled him, my son, Cleve, who was already struggling with the death of his siblings, and sick with worry over my niece and his mom as he always thought she was his little sister, and especially after his own little sister died, he took to her and worried over her. He had to hold his dad's body up while they untangled the seat belt he was entangled in and Cleve had to lower his deceased fathers body gently to the ground. He held him for a minute sobbing and then gently pulled all his clothes back on him and help carry him to the awaiting hearsh......Cleve could handle no more. He was lost to us then. He knew his grandfather also was not doing good, all of this proved to hard for everyone, and then my father gave up living also. Not by sucide, but he starved himself to death, I sat by his side and watched him take the last breath,,,,on April 27, 2009. Cleve cried, and said, "Mom, who's next?" He moved to SLC, Utah thinking he could escape the unrelentless grief and the publicity of it all. For not only was all this going on, in 2002 our daughter Kelly before dying by suicide was the center of a crime here in our small town. Kelly was on the side of the law, the State. It affected all her siblings, her family, her friends, even her pets.....even though Kelly was gone, this ordeal went on for 7 long agonizing years. Cleve made it in SLC, Ut. for 1 month.....his lifeless body was found on the morning of May 31, 2009. So, you see which one do I go to. The loss of my sibling?(my mom lost a baby also) or my spouse? or my child? or suicide survivor, my grandpa who died by suicide,for I have been a survivor of that since 1975.............my friend who supported me and my family all through the first trial died by sucide on June 13, 2007. I held her hand, put her to bed....and she died. Just died like the others, I didn't know she had taken alot of sleeping pills, I just thought she was really tired and had to much to drink, but she called and wanted me there........I never got to say good bye to not one, but my dad....So, you see I feel I am losing. Like it is winning. I fight it, and I fight it,,,but the tears still win. The helpless feeling still wins, the images burned into my mind of seeing them all still burn,,,,ache...............so where is this place I am at? I love to sleep, for then I can see them sometimes. We all have losses that seem so unfair don't we. There are no answers here. Alot of people support me and try to help....but I can feel a feeling like no other. My 17 year old wrote poetry. One versus to one she wrote was this, "I am putting on that happy face, for everyone to see, I am trying so hard to be the person that they want me to be. But, it's not the real me."
R.I.P. All our loved ones. Everybody's. Let us pray for the victims of Haiti also. I'm sorry.
I re read this several times Sherilyn to try to grasp all that you have suffered and I felt so lost ...I can only imagine....so much heartache, and loss its truly a miracle that you have managed to stay sane. And thats the thing I keep coming bck to. You have survived, you have managed to keep going,and that is true strength. I dont blame you for a second for being tired and wanting to sleep..but you cant.Sherilyn, please keep fighting, get some help if you need it, heck we all could use some.Your memories honour your loved ones lives and will keep them alive for their children. They need to see their dad and aunt and uncle and papa the way that you see them...and with the love you feel for them. I pray your memories soften, no matter how long it takes, I hope you will keep going until they do. Keep talking, breathing,get some help,and hopefully have some much needed happiness with those who are with you now. You really deserve some.Im here for you Sheri,
Sue

Sherilyn Sowell said:
Sherilyn Sowell said:
I fear I am losing the battle. I can't think, I can't feel, I can't....what is this place called where I am at? I can't see it for the tears always burning stinging my eyes....Yes, the burning image in my heart, seeing my beautiful little girl, so perfect so young, 17, hanging in her bedroom closet even then with grace and beauty, her long and always perfectly combed brown hair hanging there with her, her eyes slightly open, but there was no life in them. I stopped asking "why?" I actually have 2 grandkids without their daddy's now. One from my 30 year old son that just 5 1/2 months after his sister, died by suicide, and one from my 22 year old that died by an accidental overdose in SLC, Utah. Two babies that will never know their daddy's....my 30 year olds will, he will know and remember his dad. He will remember the night his mommy crying hysterically gathered him up in her small petite arms, drove him to her mother's house and called me to tell us he too killed himself, just as his sister had just months earlier......my other son, the one that just recently died, his little girl, 1 yr old, will never know him.....my 17 yr. olds daughter, I will never know what one of her babies would have looked like. I am still raising my sister's little girls. She is now 13. I could not choose which of your forums to go on. On September 17, 1975 my grandpa that I loved dearly, hung himself. I named by son after him. Because of something my grandfather said to me when I told him I was going to have a baby, his first great grandbaby, Then on December 7, 1999 my sister, age 38, without warning died of a massive stroke, leaving 3 children, my husband and I took the two youngest to raise, and I am still raising the youngest of the 3, now almost 14. Then on November 11, 2005, my daughter left this world by herself, on May 28, 2006 her older brother, my oldest son, joined her, both died by hanging, the same as my grandpa....We never told the kids my grandpa killed himself, let alone how? it was a dark family dirty little secret, you didn't talk about it. Then on March 7, 2009 my husband, my 13 yr. old neice, and myself was in a serious car accident that could have easily claimed all of our lives but didn't, it took by husband, my strength, my companion. The death of the kids did not tear us apart, like most marriages, it made us stronger. I wasn't even able to make the services, for I was in the hospital for almost a month after.....our son, was one of the first out on the scene, and for reason's we don't know why, the fire dept. left& the hwy. patrol left, they both followed the ambulances to the hospital. The Dr's didn't give me a chance of making it....so, now left out on the scene was just family now, my husbands son from another marriage, our son, my son from another marriage, my nephew and my nephew in-law, all had to lift the Ford Explorer up off of my husband body, and as they did the seat belt entangled him, my son, Cleve, who was already struggling with the death of his siblings, and sick with worry over my niece and his mom as he always thought she was his little sister, and especially after his own little sister died, he took to her and worried over her. He had to hold his dad's body up while they untangled the seat belt he was entangled in and Cleve had to lower his deceased fathers body gently to the ground. He held him for a minute sobbing and then gently pulled all his clothes back on him and help carry him to the awaiting hearsh......Cleve could handle no more. He was lost to us then. He knew his grandfather also was not doing good, all of this proved to hard for everyone, and then my father gave up living also. Not by sucide, but he starved himself to death, I sat by his side and watched him take the last breath,,,,on April 27, 2009. Cleve cried, and said, "Mom, who's next?" He moved to SLC, Utah thinking he could escape the unrelentless grief and the publicity of it all. For not only was all this going on, in 2002 our daughter Kelly before dying by suicide was the center of a crime here in our small town. Kelly was on the side of the law, the State. It affected all her siblings, her family, her friends, even her pets.....even though Kelly was gone, this ordeal went on for 7 long agonizing years. Cleve made it in SLC, Ut. for 1 month.....his lifeless body was found on the morning of May 31, 2009. So, you see which one do I go to. The loss of my sibling?(my mom lost a baby also) or my spouse? or my child? or suicide survivor, my grandpa who died by suicide,for I have been a survivor of that since 1975.............my friend who supported me and my family all through the first trial died by sucide on June 13, 2007. I held her hand, put her to bed....and she died. Just died like the others, I didn't know she had taken alot of sleeping pills, I just thought she was really tired and had to much to drink, but she called and wanted me there........I never got to say good bye to not one, but my dad....So, you see I feel I am losing. Like it is winning. I fight it, and I fight it,,,but the tears still win. The helpless feeling still wins, the images burned into my mind of seeing them all still burn,,,,ache...............so where is this place I am at? I love to sleep, for then I can see them sometimes. We all have losses that seem so unfair don't we. There are no answers here. Alot of people support me and try to help....but I can feel a feeling like no other. My 17 year old wrote poetry. One versus to one she wrote was this, "I am putting on that happy face, for everyone to see, I am trying so hard to be the person that they want me to be. But, it's not the realy me."
Dear Linda,

I lost my son Kenny 11/2/08 and I know how you feel. I just want you to know it is not your fault. I spent months blaming myself too because as moms we feel responsible for our children. I reached out for help from different support groups and I found that I had compassion, love & understanding for other parents that have lost a child to suicide, and I never blamed them. I started asking myself why I could not be as kind to myself as I was to strangers. Why did I understand that it was not their fault but I continued to blame myself and feel guilty? Slowly I started to understand I lost my sweet 25 year old son to a terrible illness, depression. My hearts desire now is to end the stigma that prevents people from seeking treatment for their pain. Mental health is as important as physical health. If I can spare one family from the terrible pain we live with then Kenny's death will not be completely in vain.

You are not alone and the pain does become more bearable in time. I know it is hard to believe but you will survive this and the tears still come but maybe once or twice a day instead of an all day flow. I am here to talk to if you feel like it. I am so so sorry for your loss and I will keep you in my prayers.

Bless You,

Margie,
Kenny's Mom
Hello, Linda,
I'm at work this afternoon, thinking about my son, Jonathan, who took his life last February 10, 2009. I'm so very sorry that you have to bear this grief as well. It's a sadness that is with us all the time, even when it doesn't show. We ask the same thing: why didn't he tell us how down he was that day? What didn't he reach out to his friends or family? Today, I went up to the cemetery on my lunch hour to make sure it was all okay. I told God how much I loved Jonathan, and that I am very thankful for the 23 years that he was with us here on earth. I know I'll see him in heaven someday, but it's terribly lonely here without him now.
I'm sorry for your loss, Linda, and I'll think of you as another Mom who knows what it feels like to lose a son too early.
Deb
Dear Sherilyn, I am at a loss for words. I can only pray for our Lord to give you peace and comfort. You must be a very strong woman. I am a mess and I lost 1 child. I can't begin to imagine how difficult each day must be for you. I am humbled by your strength. I will pray for you daily. God bless you and your family.

Margie-Kenny's Mom

Sherilyn Sowell said:
Sherilyn Sowell said:
I fear I am losing the battle. I can't think, I can't feel, I can't....what is this place called where I am at? I can't see it for the tears always burning stinging my eyes....Yes, the burning image in my heart, seeing my beautiful little girl, so perfect so young, 17, hanging in her bedroom closet even then with grace and beauty, her long and always perfectly combed brown hair hanging there with her, her eyes slightly open, but there was no life in them. I stopped asking "why?" I actually have 2 grandkids without their daddy's now. One from my 30 year old son that just 5 1/2 months after his sister, died by suicide, and one from my 22 year old that died by an accidental overdose in SLC, Utah. Two babies that will never know their daddy's....my 30 year olds will, he will know and remember his dad. He will remember the night his mommy crying hysterically gathered him up in her small petite arms, drove him to her mother's house and called me to tell us he too killed himself, just as his sister had just months earlier......my other son, the one that just recently died, his little girl, 1 yr old, will never know him.....my 17 yr. olds daughter, I will never know what one of her babies would have looked like. I am still raising my sister's little girls. She is now 13. I could not choose which of your forums to go on. On September 17, 1975 my grandpa that I loved dearly, hung himself. I named by son after him. Because of something my grandfather said to me when I told him I was going to have a baby, his first great grandbaby, Then on December 7, 1999 my sister, age 38, without warning died of a massive stroke, leaving 3 children, my husband and I took the two youngest to raise, and I am still raising the youngest of the 3, now almost 14. Then on November 11, 2005, my daughter left this world by herself, on May 28, 2006 her older brother, my oldest son, joined her, both died by hanging, the same as my grandpa....We never told the kids my grandpa killed himself, let alone how? it was a dark family dirty little secret, you didn't talk about it. Then on March 7, 2009 my husband, my 13 yr. old neice, and myself was in a serious car accident that could have easily claimed all of our lives but didn't, it took by husband, my strength, my companion. The death of the kids did not tear us apart, like most marriages, it made us stronger. I wasn't even able to make the services, for I was in the hospital for almost a month after.....our son, was one of the first out on the scene, and for reason's we don't know why, the fire dept. left& the hwy. patrol left, they both followed the ambulances to the hospital. The Dr's didn't give me a chance of making it....so, now left out on the scene was just family now, my husbands son from another marriage, our son, my son from another marriage, my nephew and my nephew in-law, all had to lift the Ford Explorer up off of my husband body, and as they did the seat belt entangled him, my son, Cleve, who was already struggling with the death of his siblings, and sick with worry over my niece and his mom as he always thought she was his little sister, and especially after his own little sister died, he took to her and worried over her. He had to hold his dad's body up while they untangled the seat belt he was entangled in and Cleve had to lower his deceased fathers body gently to the ground. He held him for a minute sobbing and then gently pulled all his clothes back on him and help carry him to the awaiting hearsh......Cleve could handle no more. He was lost to us then. He knew his grandfather also was not doing good, all of this proved to hard for everyone, and then my father gave up living also. Not by sucide, but he starved himself to death, I sat by his side and watched him take the last breath,,,,on April 27, 2009. Cleve cried, and said, "Mom, who's next?" He moved to SLC, Utah thinking he could escape the unrelentless grief and the publicity of it all. For not only was all this going on, in 2002 our daughter Kelly before dying by suicide was the center of a crime here in our small town. Kelly was on the side of the law, the State. It affected all her siblings, her family, her friends, even her pets.....even though Kelly was gone, this ordeal went on for 7 long agonizing years. Cleve made it in SLC, Ut. for 1 month.....his lifeless body was found on the morning of May 31, 2009. So, you see which one do I go to. The loss of my sibling?(my mom lost a baby also) or my spouse? or my child? or suicide survivor, my grandpa who died by suicide,for I have been a survivor of that since 1975.............my friend who supported me and my family all through the first trial died by sucide on June 13, 2007. I held her hand, put her to bed....and she died. Just died like the others, I didn't know she had taken alot of sleeping pills, I just thought she was really tired and had to much to drink, but she called and wanted me there........I never got to say good bye to not one, but my dad....So, you see I feel I am losing. Like it is winning. I fight it, and I fight it,,,but the tears still win. The helpless feeling still wins, the images burned into my mind of seeing them all still burn,,,,ache...............so where is this place I am at? I love to sleep, for then I can see them sometimes. We all have losses that seem so unfair don't we. There are no answers here. Alot of people support me and try to help....but I can feel a feeling like no other. My 17 year old wrote poetry. One versus to one she wrote was this, "I am putting on that happy face, for everyone to see, I am trying so hard to be the person that they want me to be. But, it's not the realy me."
HI LINDA; SO SORRY TO HEAR ABT YOUR SON - I KNO WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU- WE LOST OUR RYAN - AGE 31 8/26/2009 TO WHAT LOOKED LIKE SUICIDE ;& WE TOO HAVE ASKED WHY HUNDREDS OF TIMES- I HAVE FELT LIKE HOW CUD HE DARE DO THIS TO ALL OF US -ESPECIALLY TO HIS 3 LITTLE BOYS WHO ARE LEFT TO GROW UP W/OUT THEIR DADDY AROUND !ALL OUR OTHER CHILDREN ARE GOING THRU A VERY DIFFICULT TIME WITH THIS LOSS TOO !NONE OF US HAVE THE AMBITION TO KEEP ON LIVING OURSELVES - BUT HAVE TO TRY & FUNCTION ANYWAYS !IT LEAVES A HUGE HOLE IN ALL OUR LIVES THAT WILL NEVER BE FILLED- JUST HAVE TO GO ON W/ LIFE THE BEST WE CAN !! KEEP ASKING GOD TO GIVE YOU PEACE & STRENGTH !!HE'S THERE EVEN WHEN WE FEEL HE ISN'T !! GOD BLESS YOU !!! KEEP WRITING YOUR FEELINGS DOWN ON THIS SITE - IT HAS HELPED ME A LOTTTT
I'm with you hon! My son took his life December 11th 2009. We buried him 3 days before Christmas. He was 21, would have turned 22 on January 7th. I don't know. I just know I feel like I'm dying to.

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