New here - Its been 8 months and 14 days. He was my best friend and we always were on the same page with what ever life threw at us.

On the day he took his own life I did not do everything I could have to stop/help him.

I feel like I pulled the trigger - but dont understand at all why he did it. He was always the strong one. You can imagine what this does to my mindset.

I knew him for 17 years and reading what others wrote on here, I know that's not the longest but it is about half of my life. Basically my whole adult life.

My first child was born in November and I feel like every time I try to be happy with my new daughter and wife that I am doing something terribly wrong.

Can anyone relate? Advice?

If you read this thanks - and I know reading what others have wrote on here helped me, if even just a little.

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Replies to This Discussion

Dear Craig,

Your not alone I lost my son 2 yrs ago, I have a younger son everytime we do something fun I feel guilty even though my son left a note that said he loved us.
They are in so much pain and we understand the pain after they are gone. I understand my sons pain now I feel like my heart my mind my whole world has been stomped on over and over but I will deal with the pain differently and you should to, dont punish your self and your child for what you couldnt control your friend wouldnt want that. If took me 2 years to understand I wrote my son a note and told him that I would move forward never forget him but I have to be here for his brother myself and the rest of our family its not easy its still one day at a time and I have to remind my self to cry less and laugh more. Time doesnt heal our heart and soul we do. I am sorry for your loss Congratulations on your child
they are blessing take the time to enjoy if your friend was here he would say congratulations.

Take Care,

What you are feeling is totally normal. It is unbelievably hard to move on in spirit when you are lost in something else, but know you can and will one day. Congratulations on your new baby by the way. Everyone of us may grieve differently , but I think we all suffer with the guilt that comes from a loss due to suicide. Im not sure any of us ever truly lose that feeling, It is not anyones fault and yet even knowing the truth of that statement for me, some of those feelings remain. I have just learned how to suppress them for the most part. I dont know that Im helping you here except to say you are not alone. I can tell you that you with time and support and talking till your blue in the face helps. Yes you are changed forever but you can survive and even more than survive...you can still have a very good life. Im sorry about your dear friend.

I am new to the group and this is my first post but I felt compelled to reply to you. My Dad took his life one year ago and I feel like I let him down, as you said I pulled the trigger! He was in so much pain and we did not know how bad it was. He was the strong one for everyone. He was the one who held everyone else up and made things better for those he loved. My guilt comes from knowing that I could not do that for him. I have spent the last year walking through a daze and wondering when I would wake up from this nightmare. I miss him everyday.

What you are feeling is natural! Hold onto those you love, let them share your grief. If I learned nothing else from my Dad, I learned not to hold my pain in. It cost him his life...Depression is a terrible illness and I truly believe it is an illness. When people ask my "why" my answer is always the same, "a heart can only take so much pain." I truly believe my Dad had all the pain he could take and he did what he did because he saw no other way to make the pain stop.

I have a 3 year old son and I understand your feelings of guilt in being happy in your child. Do not feel guilty! God gave you your child and you owe it to him to celebrate her everyday! I have days that I have to remind myself of this.

I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone! I found this page today because I needed to find a way of reaching out to others who know how I feel. I hope in time you will find an outlet (maybe this is it) to ease your pain.



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