I need help understanding, why I was so blind. My ex-partner of 9yrs decided to take her own life Dec. 6,2009. I see the hints now and now it is too late. Omg the guilt I am feeling. We stayed friends and talked all the time. She dropped hints when we spoke and I missed them. She wrote me e-mails dropping hints and I missed them. I still love her and can't believe I was so heartless. I know she took our breakup very hard and she tried everything to get me back, even to the point of moving into a nicer place. The pain I am adoring now is probably how she was feeling before she realized her life was so bleak that she had to give up.She was all alone in her decision.I wish I could turn back time. Her mental illness, which I know played a major factor of the suicide. The breakup wasn't over the illness. I just don't think I can go on. I can't sleep,eat.I am crying all the time. I get angry alot. Am I that cruel that I couldn't see a friend in need of a friend.What makes it worse the only family member she had left was a sister(who doesn't even like me) who made the funeral private,so I can't even visit the grave site to talk,yell or even cry.I don't even know where to look. I miss her..Should of been me not her, I messed up MB. I am so sorry...

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Please don't feel responsible. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this tragedy. You couldn't stay in a relationship that was not working just to stop the person from suicide. It would have never worked, and she would have known.

I did everything possible to stop my sister, and it did not work. Her illness consumed my life. It doesn't matter how much support, how much therapy, or how much medication - sometimes nothing helps.

It was the mental illness, and unfortunately mental illness is just not curable! It is really no different than if she had cancer or some other fatal disease.

In spite of all that, it is very painful and difficult to accept. My sister died June 14, 2009 and it has been a difficult process. Nothing that has happened so far in my life even comes close to the pain this has caused. (and I am 52) At the very beginning, I just felt shock but now that the reality has sunk in it is excruciating. I can't really give you any advise about how to stop the pain, but you can let go of the guilt. It was not your fault, and you couldn't have stopped it.

My sister spent all day with my dad, and he said she was in a good mood and seemed fine. We discussed daily how severe her depression was. We were relieved and everyone went to bed. I called her that afternoon, but she didn't answer the phone. No one expected it to happen that night. There were many nights we didn't sleep because of fear, but not that night. You see its just not possible to know when, and it is also not possible to babysit someone twenty four hours a day. We thought we had things covered, and it didn't work. I miss her terribly and I am not the same person and probably never will be but I just have to keep telling myself that I can't change anything and I don't know how long I will be here so I might as well try to salvage what is left of my life.

I hope you can find a way to cope and do not think it should of been you. If that were the case, think about the pain your family would be feeling. I have to believe no one would do this unless the mind was so sick and they just totally lost control. My sister when thinking rationally knew what this would do to the whole family, so I believe it was out of her control and that is most likely the situation with anyone who chooses to do this.
Im sorry for the loss of your ex love. I know its hard, I have been there. I lost a brother whos death about reduced me to my knees. My husband also felt devasted and we wondered could this have been what he felt? Almost like we had to go through it also just to understand it. That was a long time ago now. I just attended the funeral of my exlove. An unsolved death. Kinda brings it all bck. Just know that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Know too that if it gets too much see your doctor or councelor. Keep talking. You will survive, and its a journey,but you are not alone.
Sue
I too feel the blame for my husbands death. It was a shock. I never saw this coming. It was not a planned death either. We had a fight and that was it. His life is gone. Sick of reading websites, brochures etc that he had an illness and it would have happened at some time. Is there not survivors of suicide? Do they not get help?
Just want to add that you cant truly know what is going on in the mind of someone who doesnt share their deepest darkest thoughts. We do not have the divine power to forsee or stop someone who is set on leaving us, I wish we did. ((Hugs to All))
Sue
Dear Runtrat,

Please don't feel guilty for your ex-partner's suicide. You are not a cruel person. Mental illness is a difficult thing to overcome. You are not to blame for her suicide. It is obvious to me by reading your blog that you are a caring person.
I lost a friend yesterday to suicide.She hanged herself. Her neighbor found her. None of us (her friends) saw it coming. Like you, I would love to turn back time and see if I could help her; however, I realize that there is nothing I could have said or done. Please forgive yourself. You will survive this. Participating in this discussion group is a great step in your recovery.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.

G
SUE said:
Just want to add that you cant truly know what is going on in the mind of someone who doesnt share their deepest darkest thoughts. We do not have the divine power to forsee or stop someone who is set on leaving us, I wish we did. ((Hugs to All))
Sue
G said:
SUE said:
Just want to add that you cant truly know what is going on in the mind of someone who doesnt share their deepest darkest thoughts. We do not have the divine power to forsee or stop someone who is set on leaving us, I wish we did. ((Hugs to All))
Sue

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