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Right after I had just turned 14 (I'm 15 now, as of a few months ago) someone that I did community theater with commited suicide. I didn't know him very well, but he helped me out when I was going through a hard time, and got me to stop self harming myself. I don't know why his sudden death had so much affect on me. Maybe because was so young, and I still am young. Or maybe it was because it was suicide. Another friend of mine passed away last September and it hasn't affected half as badly as this suicide has. I think it's because I knew that it was a natural death... But suicide? Suicide is wrong. I miss him so much, and I wasn't even great friends with him. I didn't know how to grief, and I had no one to turn to for help. It wasn't until last Octtober that I met one my bestfriend, who is very understanding and listens to me when I need someone to talk to. I went a whole year feeling so confused. I still don't know what to do. I feel like depression has taken over my life.

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Permalink Reply by Ka'ai on February 9, 2010 at 11:19am

Dearest Liz,
Hi! My name is Ka'ai and I'm from Honolulu Hawaii. I was reading your comment and sweetie, you have touched my heart. Where are you from? Do you have a facebook? I'd love to keep in touch with you besides here. My e-mail is ke_n_kaai@yahoo.com. Please write so I can get your address or e-mail.
It is never easy to lose someone in death. I agree with you that, although you were'nt that close to him, suicide can have a more emotional effect because it is unexpected! What was his name? I have three sons myself and one daughter. Their ages are from 19 to 11 years. I don't know what I would do should I lose any of them. I definitely would lose my mind! There is never a moment of the day that I'm not constantly concerned about them! Especially cause they're always doing crazy stunts! I do hope that one day you will come to find comfort in yourself and God! Again, it's never easy when anyone dies. I, too, had a friend that died(i call it suicide but it was more stupid decision) from a fall. We sang and played music together. We were just about to try and form a group to expose our music. We both also do the same type of work(tile-setting). And, we were neighbors. I rushed home on a Saturday evening after I got a phone call from my husband that Al had fallen from third floor. When I pulled up in front of our apartment, he was laying on the stairs gurgling his own blood. I knew then that he wasnt going to make it! I was completely overwhelmed. Thinking, "how stupid could he be? What was he thinking climbing up on the railing knowing that you're 300+!" The railing gave way as soon as he got up on it! He survived gun shots and stabbing as a young teenager in Samoa and here, now, you lose your life because of a stupid decision! My anger is still with me. Keep asking myself WHY!? I didn't know him very long but there was a connection. I could play my ukulele and sing for months. He just died in November. It's now February and I finally have tried to play. I still have a hard time but I feel that I'm healing in my grief. So, dear Liz, keep the faith. It will subside. Keep yourself in check all the time. Keep your mind busy. And luv the ones you're with! I hope this has helped you some. Please feel free to write me. Aloha No! Ahui ho! Ka'ai

Permalink Reply by Liz on February 10, 2010 at 2:23pm