Jerry Trujillo was my fiancee of 8yrs. He just took his life Jan. 23 through possibly Jan. 25, 2010. He was found On Jan. 27,2010. So I'm not too sure on the exact date of when he did this. We lived together all these years, and we were inseperable. However when he did this, I had been at my parents for a little over a week. When I found out, I felt as though my world would collapse. I never pictured my life without him, nor did I want to. He took care of his father for almost the last 2yrs of his dad's life. And when he lost his dad to Throat Cancer in 95' I believe his world changed. His father was his hero. We had many talks about how he felt that there was a better place. He truly believed that in his heart & his mind. I just didn't want to accept it. I'm dealing with this pain day by day. I just want to see him again. I pray that he is now resting and that God forgave him for him taking his own life. And I pray that he met up with his dad in heaven, or wherever he may be. He was thoughful, caring, handsome intelligent. I believed he had so much to offer this world, unfortunately he didn't believe so. He was my soulmate, my best friend, and the love of my life. When he left, he took a big part of me with him. I try not to be depressed, but I cannot help it at times. My family has been very supportive and loving. They just worry about me now. I feel in my heart that Jerry would want me to go on and live life. And I don't want his death to be in vain. I pray to God, and I live everyday waiting anxiously for the day that God re-unites us in the promised land. I feel like my priorities are so messed up at times, because when my time is done here on earth, I know I should be anxiously awaiting to meet our Lord and Saviour, (and I am) but honestly, I want to see Jerry. Please if someone can help me through this. They say time heals all, but I just want this life to be done so I can go with him. He would of turned 40 Feb. 12,2010.

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My sister-in-law hung herself 4 years ago. I was and still am devastated over losing her. I am having a hard time right now because her daughter will be having her first baby soon without her mom. But you know what, she does live on in our hearts. Keep Jerry alive in your heart and you'll always be with him. If you take a
moment and close your eyes you'll see that he is
with you too. Sure, you can't see him but I'm sure you can feel him from time to time. You're right. I'm sure all of our loved ones want to see us happy. I remember feeling guilty for laughing. But someone told me it's okay to laugh. Laugh and cry at the same time if you need to. I had another family member that was going through a rough time and said we would all be okay if she chose to take her life that we had proved that through losing Teisha that we could make it. Like I told her. We haven't "made" it. We struggle every day dealing with our loss. I told her to remember how she felt losing Teisha and to look at how it has effected everyone. I asked her if she wanted to put everyone through that even more. She agreed that she did not and that day she called to get help. She's her bubbling little self today. Live your life. Live through your struggles. Make Jerry smile in heaven. Don't give up.
I am so sorry for your loss! There are no words that can be said to explain what we feel when we loose someone this way. My Dad took his life last January and I have struggled over the last year to just function every day. I know that for me turning to my friends and my faith have been crutial to my getting throught the last year. Let the people that love you be there for you. Also know that you will need patience with them because what they may not realize is how different this grief is. THis is not normal grief! It is mixed with pain, hurt, confussion and questions that will never be answered. Know that all of your feelings are normal!!! Don't carry this alone find someone to help you through this. This board is great but we cannot give you a hug when you need it and you will need it find someone who can. Trust me when I saw you will find strength you never knew you had. The day I found out my Dad was gone was the worst day of my life. I never thought i would make it through the dark but I did and you will too. Don't give up and if you find yourself sinking to fast and to deep reach out for help. If there was a lesson to learn from my Dad's actions it was to not keep my feelings buried and to let others help carry me on days I cannot carry myself. You will get through this, hang in there and know that Jerry is with you in your heart and he will be waiting for you when the time comes.
Pam thank you for your kind words, and reminding me that Jerry is in heaven and to make him smile , and also to close my eyes and I can see him, but it all just hurts.

Pam said:
My sister-in-law hung herself 4 years ago. I was and still am devastated over losing her. I am having a hard time right now because her daughter will be having her first baby soon without her mom. But you know what, she does live on in our hearts. Keep Jerry alive in your heart and you'll always be with him. If you take a
moment and close your eyes you'll see that he is
with you too. Sure, you can't see him but I'm sure you can feel him from time to time. You're right. I'm sure all of our loved ones want to see us happy. I remember feeling guilty for laughing. But someone told me it's okay to laugh. Laugh and cry at the same time if you need to. I had another family member that was going through a rough time and said we would all be okay if she chose to take her life that we had proved that through losing Teisha that we could make it. Like I told her. We haven't "made" it. We struggle every day dealing with our loss. I told her to remember how she felt losing Teisha and to look at how it has effected everyone. I asked her if she wanted to put everyone through that even more. She agreed that she did not and that day she called to get help. She's her bubbling little self today. Live your life. Live through your struggles. Make Jerry smile in heaven. Don't give up.
Roberta, thank you also for your encouraging and kind words. Like I said, my family and friends have been so supportive, but because of who he was to me, I feel like they have no idea of the extent of this particular pain and how this kind of grief just eats away at you some days worse than others. Your right, I need to be patient. And thank you for reminding me that he will be waiting for me when the time comes.

Roberta said:
I am so sorry for your loss! There are no words that can be said to explain what we feel when we loose someone this way. My Dad took his life last January and I have struggled over the last year to just function every day. I know that for me turning to my friends and my faith have been crutial to my getting throught the last year. Let the people that love you be there for you. Also know that you will need patience with them because what they may not realize is how different this grief is. THis is not normal grief! It is mixed with pain, hurt, confussion and questions that will never be answered. Know that all of your feelings are normal!!! Don't carry this alone find someone to help you through this. This board is great but we cannot give you a hug when you need it and you will need it find someone who can. Trust me when I saw you will find strength you never knew you had. The day I found out my Dad was gone was the worst day of my life. I never thought i would make it through the dark but I did and you will too. Don't give up and if you find yourself sinking to fast and to deep reach out for help. If there was a lesson to learn from my Dad's actions it was to not keep my feelings buried and to let others help carry me on days I cannot carry myself. You will get through this, hang in there and know that Jerry is with you in your heart and he will be waiting for you when the time comes.
I am new to this sight and it's been amazing to read all of your experiences! I havent had any up close suicide experiences but, have lost many loved ones in death! My father and brother are morticians so I've been around many people who have lost their loved ones in death by suicide. To me, there's a big difference in the loss compared to someone who died expectedly. I am truly sorry for your loss. I couldn't imagine for a second losing my husband that way. The questions that must be going through your mind in trying to figure out what was going through his! What has happened, though, cannot be changed! Yes, I'm sure he would want you to live. And live your life the best way possible. In my losses, I have managed to keep my life busy, busy, busy! But, once in a while my mind goes back to all the memories of different ones, and I cry because I miss them.
While suicide cannot be justified, it is comforting to remember that the future prospects of our loved ones rest with God who fully understands that weaknesses and frailties could push one to such desperate action. The Bible tells us that our Father is merciful and He continues to remember that we are made of dust! So, take hold of this promise and see that there is hope ahead and it will help you cope with your emotions. It helps me too! No one ever feels the same that you do cause we, including our deepest emotions, are like fingerprints. It cannot be duplicated. But the only thing we can do is share comforts of hope and let you know that you are in our thoughts and prayers here in Hawaii. Again, I'm so sorry for your lost dear one. You sound like a strong woman, and yes, stay close to your family! Much Aloha to you!
oh my god i thought i was the only one feeling this way i to lost my fiance Boe on dec16 2009.i was away for three days when he took his life and mines.i often ask why? what was that bad to want and end your life .the answer to this i will never know cause he didnt leave a note i go threw alot of anger and to be honest i wish i was with him.but what keeps me here is that i wouldn't want my kids to feel the same pain im going threw.sometimes i lose sight that he was never mines that he was a gift from god and i need to be grateful for the time i had with him but it doesnt make it any easier for me. i pray alot that he asked god to forgive him for what he did and that hes at peace i cantlet go and dont think i want to. god bless everyone going through this pain of a lost one.
Sorry hun that you find yourself in this place, but know it is a place for healing. Surviving the unimaginable takes time and support and for some faith. I chose to journey with other survivors and leaned on close family and friends. I also sought help from my doctor for the things I could not control. Your Jerry, my brother all suffered from a disease. A break in the mind. I believe god is a way more forgiving and an understanding god than some people of religion profess regarding suicide. To each there own I guess, but I refuse to believe that my brother is anywhere else besides heaven. I am not a follower of any particular religion these are just my beliefs. We also do not know my brothers exact death day. Unlike CSI on tv there is no real way to know exactly the hour or day but rather its an educated guess. Anyway, didnt mean to go on, just know you are not alone and its a safe place here for all, keep talking it really does help.
Sue
Thank you for your kind words Sue. I also believe our God is a merciful, forgiving, and loving God. I too believe Jerry is in Heaven, along with your brother. Still some days I am so numb, and others I get so upset, but this site is helping me a bit, by I think I also need to find a local support group of this kind. Thank you again Sue and God Bless You.

SUE said:
Sorry hun that you find yourself in this place, but know it is a place for healing. Surviving the unimaginable takes time and support and for some faith. I chose to journey with other survivors and leaned on close family and friends. I also sought help from my doctor for the things I could not control. Your Jerry, my brother all suffered from a disease. A break in the mind. I believe god is a way more forgiving and an understanding god than some people of religion profess regarding suicide. To each there own I guess, but I refuse to believe that my brother is anywhere else besides heaven. I am not a follower of any particular religion these are just my beliefs. We also do not know my brothers exact death day. Unlike CSI on tv there is no real way to know exactly the hour or day but rather its an educated guess. Anyway, didnt mean to go on, just know you are not alone and its a safe place here for all, keep talking it really does help.
Sue

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