Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Virginia Anderson on May 28, 2010 at 3:44pm

Kim,
We each have our own spiritual journey but I found many similarities with my own experience as I read your comments. My son attempted suicide almost seven years ago. I had prayed often for his recovery from his depression. When we received the call that he had shot himself and was being taken to the hospital, I told God that this was his chance to prove himself to me. Not that he existed but that he was the God that I had believed in for 50 years. A God who could perform miracles, who loved me, loved my son, and was a compassionate God who had the power to heal in the direst of situations. We certainly qualified.
My son did not want to die. When the medical personnel attended to him, he said please help me. To complicate matters, when the police arrived and saw that he held a gun, knew that he was in the home alone and not a threat to anyone but himself, they fired numerous shots that according to the coroner, caused his death.
God did not intervene. I had already questioned the existence of God as a young adult and was convinced that God was a personal God, one that I had a relationship with. All the more reason to be angry, confused, and yes, bitter. No human that I have ever had a relationship with would refuse to heal my son if it was in their power.
All of my answers, my beliefs, my faith, were gone as the cold realization that Jeff would never be coming back sank in over the next few days.
I did not fear God for my lack of belief. I did not try to find the answers. I accepted my state of unbelief as a natural consequence of feeling that God had stood by and watched our family, including my son's wife and three small children forever be changed.
I had always attended church but more than that I have always considered myself a spiritual person who sees life as a spiritual journey, not one of perfection, but rather one who strives for authenticity no matter how I appear. I guess you could say, I was authentically void of my faith in God, a faith that had comforted me throughout my life.
I no longer believed in the power of prayer. I took comfort in being prayed for initially, but as the days went on any prayer began to sound hollow to me. A new belief began to form. God is God, he has a plan, we have no impact on God's plan for humanity. I am not saying it was God's plan that Jeff would die, but rather God knew from the moment he took his first breath, when and how he would die, and for some reason chose to withhold his miracles for our family.
I continued to go to church because even though I was angry with God and had no faith in God or my experience of God, I guess I wanted to be sure I had it right. It was extremely difficult to sit in church. The words of the songs about the faithfulness of God rang hollow. The prayers of God's love for his children held no comfort. Basically, I cried during church for the entire first year.
I cannot say when I began to trust God again. Sometime in the second or third year after Jeff died my work led me to work with people who were dying. For one whole year my responsibility was to be present with patients or their family members who had to watch their loved ones die. I witnessed every aspect of belief and unbelief. I was not there to convince them that God existed or of the attributes of God but rather to witness their story, their experience of God and validate it. That year was the catalyst in my own healing. If I could know that each person's story was their reality than somehow my story, my belief had validity.
I came to understand a new dimension of God that I had not experienced or that I had not learned to trust. There is nothing I feel or think about God that would cause him to abandon me. Yes, I felt abandoned when he did not rescue my son. God is much more of a mystery now than he ever was. But in spite of my efforts, there is not a void. Somewhere, in time, even after rejecting God and doing nothing to invite him back into my life, I began to feel his presence within. It was as if I said, God you have performed the unpardonable sin, and I reject you only to discover, in the quiet moments, after months of feeling abandoned by God that I realized his gentle spirit was stirring within. I share this lengthy story with you because I learned that we don't have to do anything to fix ourselves. It begins with our complete honesty. In my work and because of my personal experience I have studied grief, what works, and what doesn't. Denying what is within our hearts serves only to leave us stuck in one place. In some respects, we cannot fix ourselves anymore than we can fix another person. We can only be honest about what is. The miracle of life, the mystery is that somehow God works with what little we give him, our honesty, to create change within. I commend you for being honest. The healing will come, often when you least expect it.
I will never be done grieving. I will never have the answers I need to be satisfied. The miracle is that I can trust God with my life in spite of the fact that he did not rescue my son. That is why they call it faith. It makes no sense.
Blessings to you on this incredibly difficult journey.
Virginia

Permalink Reply by Lisa Marie Wawrzynski - (Liska) on May 29, 2010 at 12:03pm

It's ok to be angry, perfectly natural. Talk to God, yell if you want, cry to him, tell him you don't understand why your sister had to be an Angel so soon. Tell God you are angry and you want to understand. Ask him to help you understand. Call on the Angels. Call on your sister.

Permalink Reply by Annie on May 29, 2010 at 1:05pm

You brought tears to my eye's. HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF! At times like this it is very hard. I have had two people commit suicide in my family throughout the years. Please get help that you need and try and stay focused to the good times that you had. I use to look at the Beavers on TV. and think all families were like that. False. It's a fallacy. Not all families are perfect and not all children are perfect. Do not be angry at God, we are all have God in us. That's why you have to have faith in yourself. Be their for your parents, they are suffering too. Go to grief counseling, be kind to yourself, stay real busy, it helps. Plant a garden, I swear I had the most beautiful tomatoes and flowers ever after my father died. I had so many I was able to give them to the church for families that need help. Bless your heart, things will get better with time.

Permalink Reply by Sandi Jones-Boucher' on June 11, 2010 at 1:39pm

My dear Brother Tom, committed suicide Dec 2009.

I have felt so disconnected from God since this. The last time I went shooting with Tom, the gun miss fired 3 times. Why not that/this time? Why?

Prior to Toms death I found my self praying every few hours. Mostly just giving thanks, or touching basis with God. Now, days~ go by and I do not even think of prayer. I have alone in my truck screamed and yelled at God and Tom. Mostly while crying.

I don't know if there is ever a way to fix any of this- the only thing I am trying to do is find the bigger picture. Why was Tom put here in the first place? What were his life lessons and accomplishments?
Toms little sister and biggest fan~ Sandi

Permalink Reply by Sandi Jones-Boucher' on June 11, 2010 at 1:40pm

Annie said:

You brought tears to my eye's. HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF! At times like this it is very hard. I have had two people commit suicide in my family throughout the years. Please get help that you need and try and stay focused to the good times that you had. I use to look at the Beavers on TV. and think all families were like that. False. It's a fallacy. Not all families are perfect and not all children are perfect. Do not be angry at God, we are all have God in us. That's why you have to have faith in yourself. Be their for your parents, they are suffering too. Go to grief counseling, be kind to yourself, stay real busy, it helps. Plant a garden, I swear I had the most beautiful tomatoes and flowers ever after my father died. I had so many I was able to give them to the church for families that need help. Bless your heart, things will get better with time.

Permalink Reply by Sandi Jones-Boucher' on June 11, 2010 at 1:45pm

Sandi Jones-Boucer said:

Annie said:

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You brought tears to my eye's. HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF! At times like this it is very hard. I have had two people commit suicide in my family throughout the years. Please get help that you need and try and stay focused to the good times that you had. I use to look at the Beavers on TV. and think all families were like that. False. It's a fallacy. Not all families are perfect and not all children are perfect. Do not be angry at God, we are all have God in us. That's why you have to have faith in yourself. Be their for your parents, they are suffering too. Go to grief counseling, be kind to yourself, stay real busy, it helps. Plant a garden, I swear I had the most beautiful tomatoes and flowers ever after my father died. I had so many I was able to give them to the church for families that need help. Bless your heart, things will get better with time.

Annie~
I found your letter so grounded. I wish more of us could feel your place in this 'club we were thrown into' I will read your message many times. Thank you~ Sandi

Permalink Reply by Kim on June 13, 2010 at 7:14pm

Well I started this conversation in February of 2010, and I would like to thank everyone for your responses. They were kind and they really did help.

Tomorrow will be one year, and I thought maybe I would share what I am feeling. The past year has been one I never thought I would survive. But the truth is I have, and although it is by no means easy I feel like I have survived a milestone. I know tomorrow will be a tough day, in fact the whole month has been more difficult than the month before. I work at keeping myself busy, and trying to focus on the positive things in my life. I do my darnest to keep my parents as busy as possible. (not easy)

My faith is still quite shaky. I have gone to church a few times, but it is still tough. I think your responses to my post have actually been more helpful.

I will survive this, wounded, and with profound sadness that will never completely cease but sometimes I do get a few actually good days. I reached a point where I don't look as bad, and some of my former personality has returned but I am at a standstill at the moment. I have learned to live with it, even though I hate it. I know I will never be the same person.

I'm approaching it as if since I don't know how much time I have left, I don't want to waste what could be a short amount of time, and my parents (age 78 and 79) are looking at it like they will be seeing her shortly. It is kind of strange the way the mind works.

I work for a company with fifty employees, and during the past year one employee died having a heart transplant (49), one lost his spouse from cancer (52), one lost his son at 40, and we just found out another one has lung and bone cancer (47) so I am trying to make the most of everyday even though I am surrounded by sadness.

I feel like this is as good as it is going to get, but I also would like to think that God (maybe) would intervene and take some of the pain away. I know that none of my friends will acknowledge tomorrow, and that has been difficult. No one ever brings it up (even my children) and I find that makes me feel worse. So if anyone you know (besides yourself) has gone thru this, please acknowledge their feelings and give them the opportunity to talk.

Well thanks for listening, and thanks again for all of your responses.

Permalink Reply by Heather J. Crawford-Strout on January 9, 2011 at 4:12pm

Kim,

 

I am struggling with this too, where were you God??? I started every day over the last six months with prayer and bible study..Joyce meyers and hencing forth..then the nuc.

 

I also only had one brother...who hung himself on dec. 8 2010 and it has been one month...maybe it is too fresh for me. 

 

My aunt sharon said that there is no right or wrong and if I needed to waive my fist at God for a spell...that's what I am to do. 

 

He heard our screams...God...and the groans and the sounds of our tears and those may just have to be all he hears..he knows our pain and when we are ready...that is when it is time.

 

I KNOW that he has showed up in the little things and way we were able to pull of the day to day for the arrangements and he kept me from strangling a couple of these skeezy..crazy...chicks my brother was "working on" before he did this. 

That was God's work..

Think about the footprints...only one when he carries us in the sand.

Heather

 

 

Permalink Reply by Shari Soklow on February 1, 2011 at 12:33am

The way you feel is so normal! Please listen to my story:

I first lost my mother when I was only fifteen years old. Then my beloved father passed away.

 I had no sisters or brothers. Very lonely! Then I married, more than once, the first husband was an abuser.

Found a wonderful husband and after several years together, he died a horrible death. Then just three days

after this past Christmas my only child, my Beloved Son Professor Howard Eugene Langer committed suicide! My Son had everything in the world to live for!

Now I am alone in this world and have severe RA(that's Arthritis). I am all alone! You don't think I've been

angry at God? Guess What? God is a winner and he let me win too!

Do please visit my Memorial Site, it just might help you!

 http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/howardsmemorialwebsites/homepage...

Permalink Reply by Jacqueline Rowles on February 10, 2011 at 10:49am

Dear Kim, I am new to this. My son Chuck age 37 committed suicide on Dec. 22. He was in a relationship with the mother of his 3 children for 14 yr. He did this Dec. 22,2010. We had just talked in the morn. and told each other that we  loved one another. Never  once thru this have I blamed God. He loved Chuck more than I ever could. I am a born again Christian and love the Lord with all my heart. I know what pain  you are feeling. I often think of John  Walsh whose son Adam was killed  years ago and was beheaded and John turned his mourning into doing so much good for the protection of children. I am sure  you have heard of America's Most Wanted.  I wish we could talk as there are so many things I would like to say. Know that God loves you and understands how  you feel. HE is with us  all the time. Talk to him. Blessings, Jackie

Permalink Reply by Kim Arthur on February 10, 2011 at 11:04pm

Thanks Jackie...It does help to know, im not alone out here.....Thanks again, and God Bless

Jacqueline Rowles said:

Dear Kim, I am new to this. My son Chuck age 37 committed suicide on Dec. 22. He was in a relationship with the mother of his 3 children for 14 yr. He did this Dec. 22,2010. We had just talked in the morn. and told each other that we  loved one another. Never  once thru this have I blamed God. He loved Chuck more than I ever could. I am a born again Christian and love the Lord with all my heart. I know what pain  you are feeling. I often think of John  Walsh whose son Adam was killed  years ago and was beheaded and John turned his mourning into doing so much good for the protection of children. I am sure  you have heard of America's Most Wanted.  I wish we could talk as there are so many things I would like to say. Know that God loves you and understands how  you feel. HE is with us  all the time. Talk to him. Blessings, Jackie

Permalink Reply by Kim Arthur on February 10, 2011 at 11:10pm

Thank you Terri--Im just having a terrible time dealing with life in gerneral...

Terri said:

Just try to keep your heart open to God's love and eventually you will feel it shine through. Dealing with a suicide is very traumatic and sometimes we do blame God but try to remember that many people are here for you and are praying for you. Journaling is a really good way to get your thoughts and feelings out. Try writing your feelings down and maybe that can help. God loves us no matter what and he understands that we get angry at him. I lost my husband and soulmate on 1/26/10 and this site has helped me feel closer to God because I know there are so many people who are praying for me as well as each other. That's part of God's love. Hopefully you will feel his healing peace soon. Terri

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