Problems with my spiritual side

I have noticed after reading what other people have said, that most of you are able to connect with God and pray and feel spiritual. I was always a spiritual person. I prayed, I regularly attended church and I trusted God. For some reason, since my sister jumped off a bridge I have been unable to attend church or pray. I have been in touch with my minister and many church members, but nothing they have said has helped me re-connect with God.

I only had one sister, and although I think I am accepting what has happened I can't understand or maybe forgive God for not saving her. I know she begged God for help, and not only is this awful for me but I think watching my parents suffer is tortuous. I have friends with 6, 7, 8 siblings and they are all healthy and I couldn't even have one sister. I guess I am jealous. I am also angry at God. I don't want to feel this way, but I just can't seem to fix it. How do you find faith when your heart has been so broken?

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Permalink Reply by Kim Arthur on February 10, 2011 at 11:17pm

No worries...I get jealous too. Its a very debilitating feeling to want to join them, even tho we are not thinking the right way. We must find healing and have the faith that things will run smoother and we can all be whole again one day...

Im just tired of the hassle of life right now. Nothing is going my way,...and Im getting impatient as all get out..And that doesnt help the hurt I already feel....bummer for sure...Kim

Permalink Reply by Sue Hales on February 12, 2011 at 10:09pm

i think that your feelings are perfectly normal. I questioned my faith many times during the almost 2 years since my son died. I just keep praying and I hope that one of these days I will have the strong belief that I used to have. My husband also lost a sister to suicide - his baby sister. She left 2 children, age 10 and 17. Time will help heal a lot of your pain but it will always be there. I am sorry for your loss.

Permalink Reply by Kim Arthur on February 13, 2011 at 9:46am

Thanks Sue....Means a lot to know, we are not alone. Times get so ruff, that you just wonder--"whats the point", but as long as I wake up every morning, and Im breathing, I suppose, life is ok...Peace and Love to all my friends here...Always Remember----I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!----- AND WE ARE ALL SUFFERERS.........AND I TOO AM VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSSES..may God make us whole again.....one day..........

Permalink Reply by Melissa on February 14, 2011 at 5:28pm

Kim, I can't find a way, especially with organized religion, to come to grips with my loss either. If God is as so many say he is then he wouldn't have let these terrible things happen! I get so angry with people who tell me to just pray about it and God will take care of it!! What absolute crap! I think I'm in a nearly constant state of talking with God, or whatever the ultimate higher power might be, but there are no answers and the pain isn't relieved. Though I hated hearing people say that ridiculous phrase "time heals all wounds," it's true at least to the degree that it does get easier as time goes by. For me, the pain of my loss is still there after a year and a half and I hear from others in similar situations saying you carry the pain for the rest of your life. Like some others, I try to focus on those who are still here. My sweetheart's young adult children, and a grandchild born after the death, help to keep me going. I also have a wonderful family around me and a few good friends. I'm so grateful for them! My experience is that it's normal to be angry, jealous (There are times when I'm mad at him because he did this awful thing and now I know how painful it is so there's no way I could take my own life now!) and a long list of other emotions. I don't know about finding faith, I haven't. I just know that being patient and forgiving of myself - and him - is the best I can do for now, and I just hope that as time goes on maybe there will be a return to spirituality as the scar on the break in my heart takes form. I wish you well in your journey and hope you take some comfort in knowing that other people do understand what you're going through even though it's different for each of us. Love and peace! Melissa

Permalink Reply by Jacqueline Rowles on February 14, 2011 at 8:51pm

Hi Kim, As I read your letter I want to comment on your statement about God wouldn't have let this happen. I don't want to hurt you or make you angry but I believe that God allows us to make our own decisions and choices. He doesn't control us. He loves us more than we can imagine. I am glad that you are close with your sweethearts children and grandchildren. That is a blessing. Hope I haven't upset you. MUch love in Christ,Jackie

Melissa said:

Kim, I can't find a way, especially with organized religion, to come to grips with my loss either. If God is as so many say he is then he wouldn't have let these terrible things happen! I get so angry with people who tell me to just pray about it and God will take care of it!! What absolute crap! I think I'm in a nearly constant state of talking with God, or whatever the ultimate higher power might be, but there are no answers and the pain isn't relieved. Though I hated hearing people say that ridiculous phrase "time heals all wounds," it's true at least to the degree that it does get easier as time goes by. For me, the pain of my loss is still there after a year and a half and I hear from others in similar situations saying you carry the pain for the rest of your life. Like some others, I try to focus on those who are still here. My sweetheart's young adult children, and a grandchild born after the death, help to keep me going. I also have a wonderful family around me and a few good friends. I'm so grateful for them! My experience is that it's normal to be angry, jealous (There are times when I'm mad at him because he did this awful thing and now I know how painful it is so there's no way I could take my own life now!) and a long list of other emotions. I don't know about finding faith, I haven't. I just know that being patient and forgiving of myself - and him - is the best I can do for now, and I just hope that as time goes on maybe there will be a return to spirituality as the scar on the break in my heart takes form. I wish you well in your journey and hope you take some comfort in knowing that other people do understand what you're going through even though it's different for each of us. Love and peace! Melissa

Permalink Reply by Kim Arthur on February 14, 2011 at 11:57pm

Ladies and gents, i have read your replys, and I appreciate them, didnt have time to comment tonight but will make a point in getting back with each of you well today now...but tomorrow for me....hope all is well...I will be back in the morning...been a long day....finally came to terms of divorcing, so bear with me... I love you all....Kim

Permalink Reply by Kim Arthur on February 14, 2011 at 11:57pm

Permalink Reply by Brenda Mackenzie on February 16, 2011 at 1:38pm

Hi Kim,

Olny time heals, you have to take it one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time. You deal by reaching out to others. I too question my faith my husband took his life one year ago--the Ann is coming up on 3/2 I was raised Catholic and to believe everthing. But I cannot and its ok. Its ok to question your faith. I often say Lord why have you forsaken me?? and I am sure others due to. There is no right or wrong to grieving. Being mad is ok--its ok. I am mad at everything and everyone. What helps me most are the people who are close to me and groups I go to groups and Therapy. I will do this as long as I need to --seek them out they help a bit. You meet people who understand. Stay Strong Brenda

Kim Arthur said:

Ladies and gents, i have read your replys, and I appreciate them, didnt have time to comment tonight but will make a point in getting back with each of you well today now...but tomorrow for me....hope all is well...I will be back in the morning...been a long day....finally came to terms of divorcing, so bear with me... I love you all....Kim

Permalink Reply by Kim Arthur on February 16, 2011 at 11:16pm

Thanks Miss Jackie......Ive been meaning to come on and give everyone a little attn, but rite now my life is kind of an shambles...Trying to work on a divorce so I can rid my self of the bad and seek out the good . I will try to catch up soon....Love To All.......Kim

Jacqueline Rowles said:

Dear Kim, I am new to this. My son Chuck age 37 committed suicide on Dec. 22. He was in a relationship with the mother of his 3 children for 14 yr. He did this Dec. 22,2010. We had just talked in the morn. and told each other that we loved one another. Never once thru this have I blamed God. He loved Chuck more than I ever could. I am a born again Christian and love the Lord with all my heart. I know what pain you are feeling. I often think of John Walsh whose son Adam was killed years ago and was beheaded and John turned his mourning into doing so much good for the protection of children. I am sure you have heard of America's Most Wanted. I wish we could talk as there are so many things I would like to say. Know that God loves you and understands how you feel. HE is with us all the time. Talk to him. Blessings, Jackie

Permalink Reply by Kim Arthur on February 16, 2011 at 11:20pm

Yes I agree, organized religon is not good. I dont attend church, but have my own beliefs. I try to hold strong, and push thru the best I can, but as I just told Jackie, I am starting a divorce and havent been online long enuff too get back with everyone. I do understand everyones point of view, and not judging anyone for their beliefs. But to let you know, I am here for you, and I do Love You.....Peace and Happiness Unto You.............Kim

Jacqueline Rowles said:

Hi Kim, As I read your letter I want to comment on your statement about God wouldn't have let this happen. I don't want to hurt you or make you angry but I believe that God allows us to make our own decisions and choices. He doesn't control us. He loves us more than we can imagine. I am glad that you are close with your sweethearts children and grandchildren. That is a blessing. Hope I haven't upset you. MUch love in Christ,Jackie

Melissa said:
Kim, I can't find a way, especially with organized religion, to come to grips with my loss either. If God is as so many say he is then he wouldn't have let these terrible things happen! I get so angry with people who tell me to just pray about it and God will take care of it!! What absolute crap! I think I'm in a nearly constant state of talking with God, or whatever the ultimate higher power might be, but there are no answers and the pain isn't relieved. Though I hated hearing people say that ridiculous phrase "time heals all wounds," it's true at least to the degree that it does get easier as time goes by. For me, the pain of my loss is still there after a year and a half and I hear from others in similar situations saying you carry the pain for the rest of your life. Like some others, I try to focus on those who are still here. My sweetheart's young adult children, and a grandchild born after the death, help to keep me going. I also have a wonderful family around me and a few good friends. I'm so grateful for them! My experience is that it's normal to be angry, jealous (There are times when I'm mad at him because he did this awful thing and now I know how painful it is so there's no way I could take my own life now!) and a long list of other emotions. I don't know about finding faith, I haven't. I just know that being patient and forgiving of myself - and him - is the best I can do for now, and I just hope that as time goes on maybe there will be a return to spirituality as the scar on the break in my heart takes form. I wish you well in your journey and hope you take some comfort in knowing that other people do understand what you're going through even though it's different for each of us. Love and peace! Melissa

Permalink Reply by Kim Arthur on February 16, 2011 at 11:23pm

Hi Lisa.............Sometimes I feel, whether its suicide, a car accident, or natural causes, I think God sometimes takes them bc he has other plans for them. just sayin.................I am still trying to understand it myself...............Love and Peace ......Kim

lisa herse said:

my son took his life in october 2008 almost two years ago i am angry every day that he is not here with his wife and children and i can no longer see him , at first i blamed god ,then i wondered if god just endded his tragic and emotional pain , the problem is I will never know all i can do is hope that he is with god and that i will see him someday , i also know that my son would not want me to hold anger at god because thats where he wanted to go to gods house to be relieved from his pain sdomeday i want to see my son again so i had to find a way to forgive the death of my son and try to understand the circumstance that surrounded his death i will pray for you, try to remember your parents need you now if they feel anything like i do there afraid everyday that they will loose anthoer child and torture themsleves about what they did wrong hope this helps and god bless

Permalink Reply by eileen ferguson on February 25, 2011 at 2:55pm

I will be brief. when things like this happens cause i lost my Son to suicide and it hurts, i dont care how short or long of a time it was, we feel the pain. and from time to time the grief renews itself. I agree that GOd is near those with a broken heart Psalm 34:18. We do need the time to grieve. we also need to prepare to start renewing our lives, in a positive way, like getting out for walks, going to a library, having a true friend over from time to time and have lunch together. Getting a new hair style, looking for someone we can cheer up, an elderly one, a handicapped one, a sick one. Giving of ourselves. this would be the first thing to do, moving in a possitive direction. Not looking ar out situation but going where we can do volunteer work even, make ourselves aavailable to help other in dire need. Everyone has some kind of problem today everyone. young, old, middle age. and we then can begin to see a little clearer each and every day whats going on. God cares. I know this because when everyone scatters, and im alone, I have felt his comfort. his love. so I want to share that love with those that need me. Dont worry about how things seem to be going, looking at yourself, look beyond for a while. i guarantee your going to start to feel better, it takes time. dont be hard on yourself. too many of us outhere that has been thru suicidal childdren or relatives know. there is a God. Much success to you. Try this, it world