I have noticed after reading what other people have said, that most of you are able to connect with God and pray and feel spiritual. I was always a spiritual person. I prayed, I regularly attended church and I trusted God. For some reason, since my sister jumped off a bridge I have been unable to attend church or pray. I have been in touch with my minister and many church members, but nothing they have said has helped me re-connect with God.

I only had one sister, and although I think I am accepting what has happened I can't understand or maybe forgive God for not saving her. I know she begged God for help, and not only is this awful for me but I think watching my parents suffer is tortuous. I have friends with 6, 7, 8 siblings and they are all healthy and I couldn't even have one sister. I guess I am jealous. I am also angry at God. I don't want to feel this way, but I just can't seem to fix it. How do you find faith when your heart has been so broken?

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Thank you for your kind words.
Kim,

Terri is right, when we see loved ones suffer and we suffer when a loved one takes their lives it's easy to let yourself wonder where God was. It's good to remember that your sister made the choice, she chose how to respond to what she was dealing with. That wasn't God. When We're hurting we like to look to someone to blame, to point the anger at. It's normal. God is right here for you and the fact that your hurting and open to Him says wonders about your spirit. When we hurt like you are now (I did when my brother shot himself in the chest) we get numb and angry and all kinds of sad feelings and because we are feeling so much it's hard sometimes to feel God. I know that you haven't lost your faith or you wouldn't be reaching out. The bible teaches sometimes we have to walk by faith. That means life doesn't always make sense to us.. and we don't always have chill bumps we just know and believe. Right now you are walking in a valley, but it won't last. You'll find your way to the mountain top again and you'll be grateful for the growning that you did in the valley. God bless and walk with you.
Im not an of the faith kinda girl myself. I believe in god, but dont go to church. Im probably not the best person to direct you bck to god so I wont. I just want to say that whether it be faith, or councelling, or talking to strangers, if thats what helps you thru the pain I wish with all my heart you find it. I went in a different direction after the loss of my only brother. We each grieve in our own way in our own time. Please dont be hard on yourself. If faith is your comfort, in time I believe you will have it again.
Sorry for the loss of your dear sister.
Sue
Dear Kim: Our youngest son took his life Dec 13, 2009. It's just been a little over two months ago, but it feels like yesterday. I've always had a strong faith and prayed every day for Michael's protection - 28 years. This has shattered my faith. I know God did not "do this" to Michael, and I don't understand why my prayer was answered with a "no". I feel God has betrayed me and abandoned Michael. Michael's only words to anyone was a text on his phone "I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever". I have to cling to his words that he knew where he was going even in the darkest deadliest part of his depression. And I know that God is big enough to take my anger and doubts right now. And He will be waiting for me when I can emerge from this horrendous grief and sorrow. I miss my son more than life. I go to church but I can't pray or join in - I guess I'm just standing and waiting for God to heal me. You asked how do we find faith when our hearts' are so broken - I guess that is when God comes and finds us.

One website I have found (from the best article anyone sent me) is www.ronrolheiser.com. He writes an article about suicide every year - from him I have found comfort. I hope it helps.
Carla said:
Dear Kim: Our youngest son took his life Dec 13, 2009. It's just been a little over two months ago, but it feels like yesterday. I've always had a strong faith and prayed every day for Michael's protection - 28 years. This has shattered my faith. I know God did not "do this" to Michael, and I don't understand why my prayer was answered with a "no". I feel God has betrayed me and abandoned Michael. Michael's only words to anyone was a text on his phone "I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever". I have to cling to his words that he knew where he was going even in the darkest deadliest part of his depression. And I know that God is big enough to take my anger and doubts right now. And He will be waiting for me when I can emerge from this horrendous grief and sorrow. I miss my son more than life. I go to church but I can't pray or join in - I guess I'm just standing and waiting for God to heal me. You asked how do we find faith when our hearts' are so broken - I guess that is when God comes and finds us.

One website I have found (from the best article anyone sent me) is www.ronrolheiser.com. He writes an article about suicide every year - from him I have found comfort. I hope it helps.
Sue, I too am angry with God for allowing my son to take his life. I have continued to try to read the bible (especially Psalms) in the darkest times and each day, even if I dont feel like it. God is a big God, and he is ok with us being angry with him. He knows. You can talk to him and tell him how you feel. He listens and is there. I believe this. I think I must come to acceptance that evil in this world is a given. God allows it, but he does not cause it. Yet he promised to be with us always. I dont know why my son died. I may never know. But the faith part gives us hope that over time, something good can come out of this terrible tragedy. I am so sorry for your loss. I know your pain. You are not alone. A friend told me, Life isnt fair but God is good. I hope that you will trust in that some day. In the meantime, I hope you can do what you can to care for yourself and find people who will share your pain and listen to you.
I will pray for you.
God is near to those broken at heart (Psalms 34:18) More than anything else, a relationship with God can help us cope. Do not underestimate the value of prayer.. Although expressing anger is ok, prolonged anger is dangerous (Proverbs 14: 29,30)
NOVANT said:
God is near to those broken at heart (Psalms 34:18) More than anything else, a relationship with God can help us cope. Do not underestimate the value of prayer.. Although expressing anger is ok, prolonged anger is dangerous (Proverbs 14: 29,30)
Kim,
Don't feel alone in the way you feel, I came home from work on 9/23/09 to find my baby boy 16 , had hung himself. He left no note but we knew he had problems with his girlfriend but never thought he would do something like this. I felt so angry with God for taking my son and everyone kept telling me that God has a plan for everyone and that his life was planned way before and nothing I could have done would have changed it, well that just did not make me feel good at all. I started to question so many things , why him, why that way, why would such a good God plan it where I would find him and what did I do to deserve this pain?
I am trying to believe again and have faith that my baby is in a better place, but the pain of losing him somedays is too much. It's been 7 months and like you I see people with so many kids and see how happy they are and am I admit jealous. Take it one day at a time and I won't give you the old cliche of time heals because I don't believe that anymore. Just try to open your heart to the thought of your sister being in a place that is much better than the one we live in.
I don't want you to think I don't believe in God I do, and I'm sure he understands that the pain and loss we have suffered makes us doubt just keep praying for strength to go on and for peace in your heart and soul. Best wishes to you and my deepest condolences to you and your family.
Dear Kim: Your words are very understood. It really takes time to accept tragedy. Death in itself is very hard to deal with let along when suffered by a tragedy. How my heart does relate to this as my brother took his life in a terrible way and for length of days we could feel his pain. The good part of bad things that happen is understanding the "why" answers. Surely this has helped my family and it helps many to "cope" To this day I still see a look my brother had on his face prior to his death that made me think, hmm...something is wrong, and sure enough, it was. My deepest sympathy to you and your family. It helps to talk about the good times, the funny and good memories. Try to go past the bad ones each time they come up. Try not to think of how she took her life but how she made you laugh when she was alive and the things you have in common. This helps so much. Grieving is a "process" and it comes in stages. This must happen so that those cherished memories can come so allow yourself to grieve at any time you need it. Writing helps me and a good listening ear helpls me also. I never get over that loss so I do not let anyone tell me that time should have made me get over it however, i do accept that it has happen. I also understand your statement about God. He is very much wanting to comfort all of us when these bad things happen though. One thing to know is that it takes time to get close to God. That is a relationship that we all need, however, it is a relationship and it will not happen over night. You must learn and know the truth about the true God in order to get close to Him so allow yourself time and ask in prayer that He help you find Him and certainly this will happen. You will also be able to learn something that is very essential to faith. A hope in the Bible called the Resurrection hope. It is in many places but three are John chapter 11 and John 5:28,29, along with Mark 4. Embracing that hope and learning about it helps us to "cope" as we begin to know what the future holds for us along with our loved ones. I so hope that this letter begins to help your heart grieve and open more. Thank you for allowing me to share my heart with you and others that may read my words. Sincerely, Dee
I feel the same way. My brother committed suicide this past Feb. I've always believed in God. Went to church as a child. Still go on the holidays etc... Never been REALLY close though...I mean, I've always thanked him and prayed to him...but never "FELT" him like I sometimes read how others describe. Now I'm in the worst pain I've ever thought possible, and I sure don't "feel" his presence like I need. I wish I could offer advice. In fact I started reading the other responses to your post and they all seemed to blur together in my tears...so I just skipped to this reply. Good luck, I wish you the best!
my son took his life in october 2008 almost two years ago i am angry every day that he is not here with his wife and children and i can no longer see him , at first i blamed god ,then i wondered if god just endded his tragic and emotional pain , the problem is I will never know all i can do is hope that he is with god and that i will see him someday , i also know that my son would not want me to hold anger at god because thats where he wanted to go to gods house to be relieved from his pain sdomeday i want to see my son again so i had to find a way to forgive the death of my son and try to understand the circumstance that surrounded his death i will pray for you, try to remember your parents need you now if they feel anything like i do there afraid everyday that they will loose anthoer child and torture themsleves about what they did wrong hope this helps and god bless

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