my husband of 7 years killed himself 7/8/89. We had our up and downs, (he ran around moved out and back in to many times for me to count) by he loved me and i loved him, The last 6 months were the best. He was told he had hiv in 1985 from blood he took from 1980 untill he died. I gave him the shot that had the hiv in it, if only the call had come 1min before, anyway, every three months he went to the doctor, he didn't worry about him, it was me and our son (who was 4 weeks old when i gave that shot) He was drinking and got a dui, and two's week before he killed himself, i got mad because he would cut grass so he moved out, He had to go to court a week before he died, talked with him that thus. and he told me he loved me and that i should remember that no matter what i heard, i went home that night, he went to jail friday night, they called his mother and had he come pick him up he was acting crazy, i don't understand why she didn't take him to the hospital, but anyway i think he came by the house but would come in. This i am not sure of, I had a friend over, did he think something was going on. But the next morning i went over to his mothers thinking he was in jail, never knowing he was there. I drop our 6 years old son off there. His mother never told me his was there, i go to work and i get the phone call saying he has shot hisself, and i knew he wouldn't be there (hospital) i felt it in my heart, I get to the hospital and he was gone, they would let me see him. All i could think of was how was i going to tell his son. I wonder if he knew how much i loved him and i would have stay no matter what i loved him, I understood why, but no one esle did because we could not tell anyone he was hiv +. my husband and i and the doctor were the only ones who knew. I was years before i told his parents and sisters and brother. I had to show them the paper work to prove it was true. It has been 20years and i still can't forgive myself and i miss him so very much, We now have a 26 year old son who is now married and a grandson who is named after is grandfather he would be so proud of his son, turn out to be a great man. How do you live with the fact he died not knowing he was loved and still love very much. His family don't have anything to do with us, but it is their lost. I have remarried and he is good to me and i love him, but will never stop loving my frist husband. But my life as gone on in someway, and in someway i still back in 1989. I have PTS. Does anyone understand?