I don't think it's gonna get better.

This is like, my third or fourth post on this website and I'm prop gettin' annoying. Sorry if I am. If you guys want me to stop posting so much, just let me know and I'll another support group.

So anyways, my past posts have been about Eric. He was 19 when he commited suicide and I had just turned 14. It's been a little over a year, he died around Christmas in 2008. I didn't know him very well, but we did shows at a community theater together and we had a lot of good laughs together. This was my first experience with death, and it was suicide so it really hit me hard, and I'm still trying to make sense of it. Before Eric died, I was already depressed. I've been depressed and suicidal for years, prop since I was 10. I'm 15 now, as of November 2009. Nothing seems to get better. I've never had any friends, and no one to talk to. My friendship with Eric was just started to blossem, and we had started having more serious conversations. I think he would have been a really good friend to me. I have literally only one friend. But he doesn't really understand the feelings I'm' having. He's great and listens to me rant on about all of this stuff, and I'm so thankfull for that because tlaking helps. But he doesn't know what to day after I'm ddone venting, and I need advice. I don't know what to do! my whole life, as i said, has been a mess. I've been depressed and suicidal and i think about killing myself every single day. I dont think ill ever kill myself, but i still think about it. yesterday, i found a bunch of pills in my room. pain killers. i smashed them up and threw them away because i was afraid that if i kept them i would be temped to swallow them all. my house is a mad house. my parents are ALWAYS yelling. my dad is only home on weekends because hes a truck driver and on sunday he threw a huge fit and left.i hate living here. i hate this town because everywhere i go im reminded of eric. if i go the beach, im reminded how he liked walking in the sand. if its dark and i see stars, im reminded how we starwatched. everything about this town makes me sick and sad. i want to move in with my grandma, who, besides my other friend, is the only person i can honestly say that i love with my whole heart. she understnads me much more then my paretns ever will. if i asked her, im almost positive shed let me move in with her. she already has a spare bedroom that i sleep in whenever i spend the night. but i know my parents will say no because they have no idea how their fighting and everything thats going on is affecting me. every time i try to tell my mom or have a serious converstaion she tells me im just being dramatic and to get over it. i want to go buy some pot and get caught smoking it just so my parents kick me out to live with my grandma. i want to sneak out to my friends house, and let my parents find out when i dont come home in the morning. i just want to get caught doing something bad so i dont have to live anymore,. i hate it here. i want to tell them im commiting suicide, just so they send me to a mental hospital. id rather live on the streets then live here. ive always felt that way. but the pain of losing Eric has made it even worse. i just want my life to be the way it was before..

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Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 6, 2010 at 6:15pm

Liz,

We're all trying to help and I know that you can see that. We just don't have the right answer for you. All we can answer from is experience which at 15 is something you clearly don't have. I know I've given you my best advice.. and I really do care about you. I hope the time goes quickly for you and that you do well with your schooling while your waiting. God bless you.

Permalink Reply by Liz on March 7, 2010 at 11:24am

Sorry, Yvonne, I don't mean to sound like I don't appreicate your help. It's just that online help won't help me, and I'm just starting to realize that. The help I need can only come from people who know me and love and the few people who fit that are also unable to help me. I'll do the best I can to be happy, but it's gonna be hard.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 7, 2010 at 11:52am

Liz,

Your mostly right.. online isn't going to help. Talking online can though if you just need a sounding board to get things out of your system. I hope you know that your in many peoples prayers here for a better, happier life. Giving advice, other than talk to a teacher (and I know your homeschooled) or your Priest and I know you have is touchy because we're trying to help someone who is underaged. Trust me you've gotten the very best advice here. Do well in school, and go far.. that's your ticket.

Permalink Reply by Liz on March 7, 2010 at 6:16pm

thats another thing... ive been cheating in school since 5th grade. i like to write (i did nanowrimo 2009, where you have to write a 50,000 word novel in one month and im also doing several other writing projects like that this year) and i like to paint, do theater and sing. im not very good at any of those things, but practice makes perfect, right? ive always wanted to join the air force. but i dont see how i can if i cant even finish highschool. youve gotta be smart to get into the air force. im not really smart in that way. i want to take back all those years of cheating, but i cant. how i can turn around my school? ive tried doing my lessons without the anser key, but since ive been cheating so long i dont know anything. help?

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 7, 2010 at 6:43pm

Liz..
I bet you feel really lost in school. I have a suggestion.. it might be a hard thing for you to do but I believe helpful for your education. You could come clean with your Mom.. rough I know but if you do you could take the GED test or study for it and in doing it could show you where you stand education wise and what you need to learn. This is the most important thing you can do with your life "Learn" everything there is to learn in school. I know that it's hard when theres distractions in the home but it can be done. I went thru a rough home life. I was beat and molested by my dad until I was 11. My folks fought and cussed and hurt each other all the time. I ran away from home at 15 and got married. Quit school. I had two daughters with my first abusive husband. Left him and came home to Mom, She and Dad divorced. Got married again before my 18 Bday. Had a son with him. Didn't last long another one just like my Dad. Married again and another Son by age 21. Age 22 I had to have an abortion because I was in bad shape health wise and another one would have killed me. I had 4 to raise, couldn't risk them not having a mom. That husband was the worst. He molested my Daughters, caught him when they were 11 and 12. We divorced he died in prison. I'm telling you this to give you hope. My kids went thru some really bad things because of my choices. WHen they started Jr. High school I decided to get my GED and did because I wanted school to be important to my kids. I was alone raising them for several years. It was the hardest thing I did working all night at a 7/11 and trying to stay awake in the day time doing daycare with 2 hours sleep in the evening when I put the kids to bed before I went to work. But I loved my kiddo's and I wanted them with me. We were poor but we had each other and God, and our church. I met another man, very different than my ex's and the last thing I was wanting was another man in my life. I'd had enough and just wanted to raise my kiddos w/o the influence of another person in their lives. The kids loved him when he came around as a friend, I personally found him quite boring. He was going thru a divorce with 2 kids, and he was drinking to much. He slacked off with it and I grew to respect him as a man. I tried and tested him. He never got angy enough with me or the kids to raise his voice or a hand to us. We started dating and did that for a year. Then I lost my job, home and car all at the same time. He offered that we could live with him. Having nowhere else to go we moved with him. We lived together for a year. My Grandfather started a trust for me to help me out, he was wealthy. I then decided to get myself back into church. I'd left when I caught the ex with the girls. Larry followed me back, my Mom had managed to keep my kids in church. We got married, and he got baptized and we started living for God. That was 26 years ago this March 29th. The kiddo's all grew up finished school, some college and they all have wonderful jobs. Blessed marriages. I went to college... and my grandfather passed. He left me a little bit of money and I used it to pay for our home and start a photography business with my youngest daughter.
As you can see and most will tell you.. running away isn't the answer it only makes things worse. Marriage isn't the answer.. but depending on yourself, God, your schooling those are things that you can control, and do and finish. I believe that you want to make the right choices for yourself. I'll be praying that God helps you with this one. That He opens a door for you and you find a way to make this right and get back on the right track with your schooling. Good luck!

Permalink Reply by Sue M on March 7, 2010 at 9:11pm

Liz, If it is that bad and you are feeling that sad, you can call 911 and tell the dispatcher what you are thinking. They will send someone out to talk to you and your folks. They won't leave you there if you don't want to stay and they can take you to someone who can help you.
You won't get into trouble and the police will make your parents understand how serious this is. I am so sorry about your friend, and I am sorry that you are feeling so sad. There are people out there to help you but you have to let them know you need help. I understand your folks are so wrapped up in there own stuff they are ignoring you. It amazes me how stupid some adults can be.
Call the number sweetie... I promise this can get better and even though you'll never forget your friend, you can get beyond this pain.
You post here as often as you like or need to. I don't know you but I care.
Sue

Liz said:

whatever, im just tired of living like this, and everytime i start talking to someone about it, they tell me to get therapy. if i could, i would. but i cant. no one seems to understand that. im 15, and i live everyday of my life hoping ill get struck by lightneing or hit by a car.

Permalink Reply by Liz on March 10, 2010 at 8:42pm

if im feeling really suicidal, can i call 911? can i check myself into a hospital without my parents knowlegde until after im there? would it help at all? could they do anything for me?

im battleing so much depression and suicidal feelings... idk how much more i can take.

if i did go to a hospital, im worried what my 'rents would do. my friend told me that my parents cant do anything if im in the hospital but im worried bout when i get out. also, could they send me somewhere else? like a mental instatue for teens? my friend was in one once.... im thinking it might be good me. he got sent there cause he threatened to kill himself. idk if his mom made him go or what. IDK. what would happen while im at the hostpial? how long would i be there??

i need ansners befor ei do something stupid.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 10, 2010 at 8:54pm

Liz if you do it they can't do anything and the doctors can talk to them and work with all of you. They might be able to help your parents understand too. It's worth a try and I think you should do it asap. If they are hard on you when you get out you can talk to your doctor and probably they can help you work something else out. I'll be praying for you. If you make it in please keep me informed so I won't be worrying about you. Good luck Hun.. I don't see any other way for you. It might be best to call one of those hot lines and have them guide you in.

Liz said:

if im feeling really suicidal, can i call 911? can i check myself into a hospital without my parents knowlegde until after im there? would it help at all? could they do anything for me?

im battleing so much depression and suicidal feelings... idk how much more i can take.

if i did go to a hospital, im worried what my 'rents would do. my friend told me that my parents cant do anything if im in the hospital but im worried bout when i get out. also, could they send me somewhere else? like a mental instatue for teens? my friend was in one once.... im thinking it might be good me. he got sent there cause he threatened to kill himself. idk if his mom made him go or what. IDK. what would happen while im at the hostpial? how long would i be there??

i need ansners befor ei do something stupid.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 10, 2010 at 8:58pm

How long you would be there would depent on what doctors decide is best for you and what your insurance allows.. that's why I say call one of the hot lines.. because they can guide you in.

Yvonne Hess said:

Liz if you do it they can't do anything and the doctors can talk to them and work with all of you. They might be able to help your parents understand too. It's worth a try and I think you should do it asap. If they are hard on you when you get out you can talk to your doctor and probably they can help you work something else out. I'll be praying for you. If you make it in please keep me informed so I won't be worrying about you. Good luck Hun.. I don't see any other way for you. It might be best to call one of those hot lines and have them guide you in.

Liz said:
if im feeling really suicidal, can i call 911? can i check myself into a hospital without my parents knowlegde until after im there? would it help at all? could they do anything for me?

im battleing so much depression and suicidal feelings... idk how much more i can take.

if i did go to a hospital, im worried what my 'rents would do. my friend told me that my parents cant do anything if im in the hospital but im worried bout when i get out. also, could they send me somewhere else? like a mental instatue for teens? my friend was in one once.... im thinking it might be good me. he got sent there cause he threatened to kill himself. idk if his mom made him go or what. IDK. what would happen while im at the hostpial? how long would i be there??

i need ansners befor ei do something stupid.

Permalink Reply by SUE on March 10, 2010 at 10:53pm

Liz,
I had posted toll free numbers for you to call in your other post . I dont think this particular site is of any true value to you. I think you need much more. I realize us telling you to get help is not making you very happy right now as you have said fairly often that you just cant. But you can pick up the phone. So I am posting this again
Crisis and Support numbers

1-800-273-8255(Talk)
or 1-800-784-2433(suicide)

Permalink Reply by Liz on March 11, 2010 at 5:10pm

okay well today i talked to my friend whose mom sent him someplace for a week after he threatened to kill himnself (this was a while ago before i had met him) and he was tellin' me all about it (i tell him everythinggg, he's my best friend so i was askin' stuff about when he went through this) and it helped alot because im realy nervous about taking any action... he told me i should at least talk to my mom about this first... tell her about my depression and suicidal feelings. and then if she doesnt try to help me at all or help get me professional help, THEN go to the hospital and ask to speak with a social worker.

thanks for your help guys, esceplily Yvonne. its given me the courage to do something about this... please keep me in your prayers the next couple of weeks while im working everything out. ill keep you posted on whats going on.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 11, 2010 at 5:43pm

Awesome Liz!!! They can't read your mind you have to talk. I'll pray that your Mom is opened hearted when you talk to her and you be cool and make it clear that this is to much for you to deal with on your own. Keep us posted..((Hugs))

Sue ty for reposting those numbers I'm going to save them this time just in case.

Liz said:

okay well today i talked to my friend whose mom sent him someplace for a week after he threatened to kill himnself (this was a while ago before i had met him) and he was tellin' me all about it (i tell him everythinggg, he's my best friend so i was askin' stuff about when he went through this) and it helped alot because im realy nervous about taking any action... he told me i should at least talk to my mom about this first... tell her about my depression and suicidal feelings. and then if she doesnt try to help me at all or help get me professional help, THEN go to the hospital and ask to speak with a social worker.

thanks for your help guys, esceplily Yvonne. its given me the courage to do something about this... please keep me in your prayers the next couple of weeks while im working everything out. ill keep you posted on whats going on.