I don't think it's gonna get better.

This is like, my third or fourth post on this website and I'm prop gettin' annoying. Sorry if I am. If you guys want me to stop posting so much, just let me know and I'll another support group.

So anyways, my past posts have been about Eric. He was 19 when he commited suicide and I had just turned 14. It's been a little over a year, he died around Christmas in 2008. I didn't know him very well, but we did shows at a community theater together and we had a lot of good laughs together. This was my first experience with death, and it was suicide so it really hit me hard, and I'm still trying to make sense of it. Before Eric died, I was already depressed. I've been depressed and suicidal for years, prop since I was 10. I'm 15 now, as of November 2009. Nothing seems to get better. I've never had any friends, and no one to talk to. My friendship with Eric was just started to blossem, and we had started having more serious conversations. I think he would have been a really good friend to me. I have literally only one friend. But he doesn't really understand the feelings I'm' having. He's great and listens to me rant on about all of this stuff, and I'm so thankfull for that because tlaking helps. But he doesn't know what to day after I'm ddone venting, and I need advice. I don't know what to do! my whole life, as i said, has been a mess. I've been depressed and suicidal and i think about killing myself every single day. I dont think ill ever kill myself, but i still think about it. yesterday, i found a bunch of pills in my room. pain killers. i smashed them up and threw them away because i was afraid that if i kept them i would be temped to swallow them all. my house is a mad house. my parents are ALWAYS yelling. my dad is only home on weekends because hes a truck driver and on sunday he threw a huge fit and left.i hate living here. i hate this town because everywhere i go im reminded of eric. if i go the beach, im reminded how he liked walking in the sand. if its dark and i see stars, im reminded how we starwatched. everything about this town makes me sick and sad. i want to move in with my grandma, who, besides my other friend, is the only person i can honestly say that i love with my whole heart. she understnads me much more then my paretns ever will. if i asked her, im almost positive shed let me move in with her. she already has a spare bedroom that i sleep in whenever i spend the night. but i know my parents will say no because they have no idea how their fighting and everything thats going on is affecting me. every time i try to tell my mom or have a serious converstaion she tells me im just being dramatic and to get over it. i want to go buy some pot and get caught smoking it just so my parents kick me out to live with my grandma. i want to sneak out to my friends house, and let my parents find out when i dont come home in the morning. i just want to get caught doing something bad so i dont have to live anymore,. i hate it here. i want to tell them im commiting suicide, just so they send me to a mental hospital. id rather live on the streets then live here. ive always felt that way. but the pain of losing Eric has made it even worse. i just want my life to be the way it was before..

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Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 13, 2010 at 8:55pm

Lizze bif Liz if you change your name let me know. Larry I am sorry for the loss of your brother. Be strong it will get better as time goes on. Mine too his life 2 years ago he was 49, I'm the oldest but in the 10 years from my mother's death him and I had turned to each other and were very close. The pain is better, but I never stop missing him. God bless.

Permalink Reply by Catherine Johnston on March 14, 2010 at 10:53am

Sweet Liz. Its hard, isn't it? Being 15, not a child but not yet an adult. Feeling like you are alone in the world with no one to travel through it with you. And on top of it all you can't find a way out or a way to get SOMEONE to take control and fix this. When you say feel like you can't get help, like there are road blocks everywhere you turn, that's depression. It makes you unable to see your way out. Being homeschooled just makes things harder because you don't have other adults around to talk to, that will mentor you and protect you.

When I was 15 I used to hurt myself so that an adult would see that I needed help - so that someone would see the pain I was in. I took pills, I starved myself for months until I was so thin I couldn't stand up without passing out, I caused injuries to my body so bad that they needed medical attention - but no one saw what was behind it all. Now that I'm an adult, I realize that I needed to say something, I needed to speak up for myself.

I have a suggestion. Somehow, some way, find a reason to go to the doctor. If you make it a female problem, you can have your mom wait outside so you can talk to the doctor alone. THEN TELL HIM/HER YOU NEED HELP. TELL THE DOCTOR THAT YOU HAVE FEELINGS OF SUICIDE, THAT YOU NEED HELP TODAY. TELL THE DOCTOR THAT TOMORROW IS TOO LATE. The doctor will talk to your parents for you and then get you help. And if it doesn't work the first time - DO NOT GIVE UP.

And you are not annoying anyone here with your posts. Everyone here understands how chaotic our emotions are around suicide. It sounds to me like Eric's suicide brought out emotional and family issues you didn't face before. Keep talking, keep posting. And ask for help.

Let us know how you're doing, Liz. And God bless you.

Catherine

Permalink Reply by Liz on March 14, 2010 at 4:57pm

I just got home from my grandmas house, but I didn't get a chance to talk to her about this because a few of my cousins came over to hang out (im really tight-knit with my cousins lol) and staying over with me so there were several people over and I didn't get to talk to her alone.... Kinda POed about it but whatever....

I really don't want to talk to my mom about this. If I went to the hospital with my friend and talked to a social worker, couldn't I just tell him/her that I came there first cause I'm too nervous to talk to my mom? I really don't want to talk to her about this alone and I think it might help if I can go to a social worker and have him/her talk to her for me... idk.

To the people asking about Eric- I didn't talk about him much in this post but I did in two others. He was a friend of mine who commited suicide in December of 2008. I was already depressed and suicidal back then, but since his death it's just gotten a lot worse and now that I'm getitng older and more mature I'm starting to notice little things in my life that aren't right and things I want to fix but I jsut don't know how. Belugh.

Thanks everyone for the wonderful advice :-)

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 16, 2010 at 10:22am

Liz ..

My advice is talk to Mom first. There is that matter of insurance involved that the hospital will need to get payment for your care. Besides if I were your Mom it would break my heart if you were hurting so bad and were confiding in everyone but me. Give her a chance you don't have to tell her that your going to see a social worker is she doesn't come thru for you. Hope your feeling better this week. (hugs)

Liz said:

I just got home from my grandmas house, but I didn't get a chance to talk to her about this because a few of my cousins came over to hang out (im really tight-knit with my cousins lol) and staying over with me so there were several people over and I didn't get to talk to her alone.... Kinda POed about it but whatever....

I really don't want to talk to my mom about this. If I went to the hospital with my friend and talked to a social worker, couldn't I just tell him/her that I came there first cause I'm too nervous to talk to my mom? I really don't want to talk to her about this alone and I think it might help if I can go to a social worker and have him/her talk to her for me... idk.

To the people asking about Eric- I didn't talk about him much in this post but I did in two others. He was a friend of mine who commited suicide in December of 2008. I was already depressed and suicidal back then, but since his death it's just gotten a lot worse and now that I'm getitng older and more mature I'm starting to notice little things in my life that aren't right and things I want to fix but I jsut don't know how. Belugh.

Thanks everyone for the wonderful advice :-)

Permalink Reply by Katmagootoo on March 17, 2010 at 7:28am

Hi Liz,
I think you should try to find a grief support group in your area...check with your school counselor, priest, funeral home...you lost a friend, Eric - even if it was the beginning of a friendship, it was important to you.

Not sure where you live - but maybe volunteer or try to get a job this summer with a summer camp! You are very well spoken/written and I think have a sensitive soul - helping others, helps me. I deal with depression and my dad and step brother completed suicide. The pain is there - but I feel it less when I focus on celebrating their lives and my live: helping others, doing my day job, etc.

Yeah - dulling your pain with drugs is only a temporary "fix". And, getting attention or help by getting into intentional "trouble" just makes it all that much worse...I know you're smarter than that! I can tell by your post. Use all that creative energy where it will be appreciated and nurtured. You might have more friends...you just haven't recognized them yet. Most people KNOW and have social acquaintences, and to you it may seem like they have lots of friends...but, it's just social. Even "popular" people feel lonely. I am a suicide responder, too. I have talked to so many families of "popular", fun, outgoing people who've completed suicide. You just never know.

Caution - sometimes, we get so comfortable in our sadness, that we don't recognize joy and happiness when we're in it...take a minute to check your reality. I know that sometimes what seems like a big deal at the moment, and I get all wigged out about, later - I don't even remember it...I can be a drama queen :-) Things mellow with time. I hope you find some comfort here...peace, Liz.

Permalink Reply by Liz on March 19, 2010 at 9:17am

fml.
I talked to my mom last night and I can't say I've ever felt more hatred for her then right now.

All she did was give me f*cking prayer books, told me to try harder on my own to get better, and that she won't get me professional help unless she can find a "good, Catholic theripist". I've never heard something so comformist. I hate comforists so much and now my mom is acting like one, saying I shouldn't get self help books from the libary, talk to people online or talk to my best friend about this because they aren't Catholic and can't give good advice. F*CK IT. And f*ck her. If she can't find her "good, Catholic" thereipist within a month, I'm having Dan drive me to the hospital. She didn't try to help at all. She just told me what she thinks I needed to hear, and that was to "get better on my own" I told her I HAVE been trying to get better on my own... FOR YEARS and she said "Well it can't be that bad because this is the first time you've talked to me about it" and I said "Maybe I HAVE been trying to talk to you".... She just doesn't get it. She said I should have talked to her and I reminded her that every time I acted depressed around her, she would literally YELL at me and she said "Whatever!".

fml.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 19, 2010 at 9:44am

Dear Liz,
My hands feel so tied here right now. I'm glad that you talked to her she deserved to know your feelings. I do understand her wanting a Christian to give you advice. During two of my bad marriages I ended up in counseling with men that weren't Christian and wanted to take advantage of me. So I never got the counseling that I needed. I started writing, letters and poems and one day I gave my life to Jesus. When I was 21 I lay in the back yard one night with sedatives in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. I wanted to die to make the pain quit. I didn't know God, wasn't raised in church I went one time and the pastor screamed about hell and scared me half to death. I concluded that Church was for people who were old or scared of life and needed something to believe in. I didn't believe in heaven and like the song I prayed there was no hell. That night as I raised the pills to my mouth a voice spoke in my head to me. It said "if you don't like your life the way it is I can help you put it back together". I knew that wasn't my thoughts, I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. So I said, "God if that's you say it again, and He did. I invited this God that I'd never seen or believed in into my life and I started living for Jesus. Did I live the rest of my life problem free? No.. would I be here? But He did help me put my life back together and made many miracles happen over time and I've never gone thru things alone. The lastest miracle is my 80 year old Dad and I can eat a meal and talk in the same room together and actually enjoy it. Jesus gives us Joy and a reason to live.

If possible give your Mom a little time and if You don't think you can wait have your friend take you to the case worker to talk. Or you could call those two numbers that Sue gave you and they could guide you. I've tried to advise you like I would a child of my own, but you are underage and not mine. Only you know how you feel and how much you can take. It's not uncommon for people to be indifferent to depression, it's a hard illness to understand and most self help books are geared towards worldly selfish answers as opposed to Godly advice. I mean lets be real, anyone can write a book.

If you can, wait.. if you feel you can't call someone. I'm praying for you and for God to comfort you. You really need someone to talk to and this is difficult at best here online. God bless you (hugs) Keep us informed.

Liz said:

fml.
I talked to my mom last night and I can't say I've ever felt more hatred for her then right now.

All she did was give me f*cking prayer books, told me to try harder on my own to get better, and that she won't get me professional help unless she can find a "good, Catholic theripist". I've never heard something so comformist. I hate comforists so much and now my mom is acting like one, saying I shouldn't get self help books from the libary, talk to people online or talk to my best friend about this because they aren't Catholic and can't give good advice. F*CK IT. And f*ck her. If she can't find her "good, Catholic" thereipist within a month, I'm having Dan drive me to the hospital. She didn't try to help at all. She just told me what she thinks I needed to hear, and that was to "get better on my own" I told her I HAVE been trying to get better on my own... FOR YEARS and she said "Well it can't be that bad because this is the first time you've talked to me about it" and I said "Maybe I HAVE been trying to talk to you".... She just doesn't get it. She said I should have talked to her and I reminded her that every time I acted depressed around her, she would literally YELL at me and she said "Whatever!".

fml.

Permalink Reply by Liz on March 19, 2010 at 12:14pm

Yvonne,
I can't thank you enough. Normally, I'm the one giving people advice. My friends (more like acquaintances) call me The Wise Owl and Doctor Liz lol. Just last night I was helping a friend with some problems he was facing via facebook comments, and he said "The wise owl has spoken!" lol. But when it comes to my own problems, I just don't know what to do. I've talked dozens of people out of commiting suicide, but I can't talk myself out of it. You've really helped a lot. Thanks.

I would like to get professional help from someone who shares my beliefs, but the thing is, my mom is an extremist. I highly doubt that she's going to find a theripist who she "approves" of.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 19, 2010 at 1:53pm

Let's pray that she does and shortly.. I'm praying with you. But like I said you know when you can't take anymore and you know who to contact. I'm sorry your going thru this. Depression was the hardest on me in my teens. As my Mom pointed out many times that I was to young for boys and to old for toys. Teenage is very tough. We know that the frontal lobe of the brain (the reasoning part) doesn't totally develope until we're in our mid twenties which helps to understand some of this. Pray Liz and do what you feel you need to do but hold onto life it's precious and I promise it can get better.

Liz said:

Yvonne,
I can't thank you enough. Normally, I'm the one giving people advice. My friends (more like acquaintances) call me The Wise Owl and Doctor Liz lol. Just last night I was helping a friend with some problems he was facing via facebook comments, and he said "The wise owl has spoken!" lol. But when it comes to my own problems, I just don't know what to do. I've talked dozens of people out of commiting suicide, but I can't talk myself out of it. You've really helped a lot. Thanks.

I would like to get professional help from someone who shares my beliefs, but the thing is, my mom is an extremist. I highly doubt that she's going to find a theripist who she "approves" of.

Permalink Reply by Liz on March 19, 2010 at 2:17pm

thanks so much

Permalink Reply by Lisa Marie Wawrzynski - (Liska) on June 3, 2010 at 7:12pm

I"ve been finding on the internet things under my name

Permalink Reply by Sandi Jones-Boucher' on June 12, 2010 at 7:29pm

Dear Liz,

I am SO sorry for your understand and I relate~

My brother Tom committed suicide 5 & a half months ago. Its often unbearable. I have found myself with my forehead against a wall inside the house just crying. It seems even the simple things in life I can't do "right now" I feel as if my brain just does not work correct right now, its miss firing or something.

It does seem to get better a bit for a while. Then my Mom or a family member says or does something and it sets me back too. This set back has been 3 weeks now.

This is how I am trying to look at it. Its like carrying around a bucket. (Our grief.) it fills, it fills, then some days-weeks, it just slops over the sides. Lightens our load for a bit. "Maybe" as time goes on the bucket we are carrying around of grief will stop filling up so much???? I know, I miss my brother dearly too. Lets pray on this. Hugs~ Sandi