This is like, my third or fourth post on this website and I'm prop gettin' annoying. Sorry if I am. If you guys want me to stop posting so much, just let me know and I'll another support group.
So anyways, my past posts have been about Eric. He was 19 when he commited suicide and I had just turned 14. It's been a little over a year, he died around Christmas in 2008. I didn't know him very well, but we did shows at a community theater together and we had a lot of good laughs together. This was my first experience with death, and it was suicide so it really hit me hard, and I'm still trying to make sense of it. Before Eric died, I was already depressed. I've been depressed and suicidal for years, prop since I was 10. I'm 15 now, as of November 2009. Nothing seems to get better. I've never had any friends, and no one to talk to. My friendship with Eric was just started to blossem, and we had started having more serious conversations. I think he would have been a really good friend to me. I have literally only one friend. But he doesn't really understand the feelings I'm' having. He's great and listens to me rant on about all of this stuff, and I'm so thankfull for that because tlaking helps. But he doesn't know what to day after I'm ddone venting, and I need advice. I don't know what to do! my whole life, as i said, has been a mess. I've been depressed and suicidal and i think about killing myself every single day. I dont think ill ever kill myself, but i still think about it. yesterday, i found a bunch of pills in my room. pain killers. i smashed them up and threw them away because i was afraid that if i kept them i would be temped to swallow them all. my house is a mad house. my parents are ALWAYS yelling. my dad is only home on weekends because hes a truck driver and on sunday he threw a huge fit and left.i hate living here. i hate this town because everywhere i go im reminded of eric. if i go the beach, im reminded how he liked walking in the sand. if its dark and i see stars, im reminded how we starwatched. everything about this town makes me sick and sad. i want to move in with my grandma, who, besides my other friend, is the only person i can honestly say that i love with my whole heart. she understnads me much more then my paretns ever will. if i asked her, im almost positive shed let me move in with her. she already has a spare bedroom that i sleep in whenever i spend the night. but i know my parents will say no because they have no idea how their fighting and everything thats going on is affecting me. every time i try to tell my mom or have a serious converstaion she tells me im just being dramatic and to get over it. i want to go buy some pot and get caught smoking it just so my parents kick me out to live with my grandma. i want to sneak out to my friends house, and let my parents find out when i dont come home in the morning. i just want to get caught doing something bad so i dont have to live anymore,. i hate it here. i want to tell them im commiting suicide, just so they send me to a mental hospital. id rather live on the streets then live here. ive always felt that way. but the pain of losing Eric has made it even worse. i just want my life to be the way it was before..