My world was shattered on February10, 2010 when I found out the man that I loved killed himself.

The phone call came to me at 10am on February 10, it was my mom on the other end of the phone, She said " Gina I have very sad news" I ask what is it?, she said Stephen killed himself, I said Stephen who, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought it was my Stephen. My mom said Stephen, your Stephen. I said no I just talked to him on Sunday, everything seemed fine, nothing that would have given me any clue that he was thinking or wanting to end his life. Since that date my life has been turned upside down. First, I need to explain, we had a relationship that required us to be in seperate states, He lived in Jersey and I lived in Texas, however we were working on either Stephen moving to Texas or me moving back to Philly. How do I go on, I dream of him everynight, last night was one ofthe most vivid dreams that I have had since his death. He came to me to tell me everything was OK, that he did not really want to die, but no one was there for him, when he cried for help, and that his body was rising, he held me so tight and told me that he was ok, that was al he kept saying to me, I didn't wantthedream to end, it felt so real, I could feel his touch and the warmth of his body as he lye next too me. How could he be gone. I feel helpless, like I should have done more for him. I feel as though he is still alive and is going to walk through the door any minute, but I wait and nothing. I want close my eyes everynight and see him in my dreams and talk to him as I did last night. I don't concentrate or think of anything else but him day in and day out, what do I do?

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i just started this site tonight its my first time....its been two yrs for me...my mom killed herself march 18th 2008 and i still have dreams of her.....i can say that what helped me is reading sliva brown...life on the other side....not sure if you are into that kind of thing but even if you are not it may give you some answers...it helped me understand what happens when you die...and where you go...and what happens to people who take their own life....it also explains about dreams of people who have passed on....hope this helps some...and dont be afraid of your dreams... if it is him.... he only wants you to know he is ok....
Dear Gina,
I am going through a similar thing. My girlfriend of 10 years just didnt show up at my house on January 17th. She had been struggling with depression for a number of years. When she didnt show up, I just thought she took her meds and had fallen asleep early.
I recieved a phone call the next afternoon from her neighbor. He told me that the fire dept and the police were at her house and then informed me that Renee had killed herself.
That was such a huge shock. I didnt know what to say or do. Total disbelief.
About a week later I had a very similar dream to yours. I hadnt slept in several days and it was the first night that i got anything close to some sleep. The dream was so vivid and seemed so real. In my dream, she came to me and layed down next to me, held my left hand and just cried. She cried like I had never seen her do. It seemed so real that when I woke up, I got out of bed and relived the dream in my head over and aver. I didnt want to fall back asleep and forget the dream or more importantly, the feeling of holding her hand one more time.
A few weeks ago, I had another dream. In this dream, she introduced me to her new friends and a friend of hers that she had told me about that died in a car crash shortly after highschool. This dream gave me a good feeling that she was some what happy now and that she had made some new friends. I wish I could have more dreams that she would come to me in, but I will take what i can get.
As far as going on with life. There are so many reminders of her. When I get out of the shower, I reach for a towel and remember when we picked those towels out. I look at things around the house and remember all the memories. Memories, that if she was still here, I probably wouldnt even think about. As long as we were together, nothing seemed complete until i shared it with her.
If I could offer one piece of advise, it would be to try to keep busy doing things. It wont clear your mind, but doing nothing will just make things tougher. For me, I have stayed very busy working on projects around the house. I am already about 3 or 4 months ahead of where i would normaly be on my yard work. I even stay busy doing things that dont need to be done. The last few days, I have dug up a lawn by hand that wasnt really all that bad, but it keeps me busy.
Friends and family are great to lean on in these times, but unless they have gone through something like this, they really dont know. This web site was good for me to read peoples stories and responses to my posts. Knowing that there are other people who are going through this at the same time seems to help.
Six weeks later and life seems to be getting on track again. DONT get me wrong, it will never be the same and never as good, but it can go on.
Gina Im very sorry for your tragic loss. You are probably still in shock right now. I know I couldnt focus or concentrate or get thru a day without thinking about my brother and that lasted a very long time. I use the phrase get thru because I dont think any of us truly get over it. I hope you have lots of support and keep talking. I researched and went on line and saw my doctor for the things I couldnt control. You need to keep breathing and going very very slow. Somedays just getting out of bed to shower was the big accomplishment for the day.
You are not alone with your grief here ok, we "get it"
((Hug)) Sue
This happened to me, I found out Dec. 7, think it actually happened the day before. We were in different towns. You know what? They hear us, protect us want us to do well, they are our Guardian Angels now and will never leave us. I believe this with all my heart and soul. What should you do? The best you can in every aspect of your being. Just your best is good enough. Don't compare yourself or progress against anyone else. Day to day, night to night, do your best sweetheart. Light and Blessings Liska
I am very sorry to know that you loss your love. I also loss mine last Oct. 20, 2009, he told me he was ending it and comfortable in bed. No one could have done anything to help that person if they aren't open up for it. Many of them show no signs or warming of sucidical. Some even carry on their life as usual to the doctor appt. , work, eat, sleep and meeting friends and family. The sudden death is most shocking, it is very hard to deal with. Now, the suvivor one , us, needs to learn how to live without them, learn to accept life will never be the same again. Time is only thing can heal it.
i now how you feel, I last my older son on march 11,2010 my world my life was shattered i m crying,now i m still waiting to have a dream with my son Michael i feel helpless i see him and feel his present with me every day i ask God to give me, peace and the power to face another day,without him.please i need support. i talk to my son every moment. i can't life without him.
I will remember you in my prayers because this has to be one of life's worst trials. I pray the peace of God will be with you continually.
Rosa,
I can feel your pain thru your words. Im sorry so sorry for the loss of your son. We support each other here. Let me sadly welcome you to our little group. Im glad you found us. I promise you that this immense pain you are in will subside. Yes you can survive your loss but we all go at our own pace. Naturally we are forever changed by our loss but we must go on. It is thru our eyes and our hearts that we share their memory with others. So they too can know and cherish them. Please tell us more about him, Talking truly is the first step in surviving.
((Hug))
Sue

Rosalina said:
i now how you feel, I last my older son on march 11,2010 my world my life was shattered i m crying,now i m still waiting to have a dream with my son Michael i feel helpless i see him and feel his present with me every day i ask God to give me, peace and the power to face another day,without him.please i need support. i talk to my son every moment. i can't life without him.
I so do understand as my entire world was shattered/blown apart by my husband/soulmate/best friend killed himself with me in the house on 11-29-2007. He & I were very close--he suffered periodically w/depression but after we financially refinanced our condo w/2 mortgages & the bottom falling out of the real estate boom-s. fl. was one of the hardest hit areas, & some other personal things-his super-rich family could have bailed us out but after pleading w/financial instituations, banks, all of our family members for help---they ignored our pleas and turned their backs on us. I was ill for almost 18 yrs from working in 3 sick federal office buildings full of mole/mildew. Our total owed on condo was $192,000 plus credit cards Grand total was $250,000. His uncle is worth 40-50 million dollars and all of his children have million dollar trust funds. My husband was sexually abused by his mother & her sick group of friends. His parents divorced when he was 3 yrs. old. & his mother is twisted to have done that to him. His son, Kevin, had Chrons disease then mental problems-died of accidental overdose 2-26-99, which was very hard on both of us. Kevin was like my birth son. We chose not to have any children ourselves. Also, his only dtr ostracized him and was cruel to him-vicious, for no reason to him over the years. Then his crazy mother came down from NYC to stay with us 6 times in 3 1/2 yrs. That didn't help him one bit. He broke down under all the stress-blamed himself needlessly. I had gastric bypass surgery 5-29-2007, and was recovering from all my illnesses. I took early out retirement 09-30-04. He was 9 yrs older-we both worked for SSA. He was so wonderful, great husband, sweet loving, caring smart, handsome-to me anyway.

Don't drive yourself crazy wondering why. U will never get an answer. MOst people that commit suicide never leave a note. Please read Carla Fine's book 'No time to say good-bye." It is wonderful.
If u need to contact me directly, please feel free to do so. My name barbara k feller my email barbarajkfeller@gmail.com my ph 601-823-9019. I am up until 1 a.m. MIss. Central time. I lost my oldest/favorite brother 07-16-08 (the only decent 1 of 3) and the only one to contact me out of all of my family.
Then my alcoholic father dropped dead 07-23-08. I have lost my condo to foreclosure, my b.f./hubby whom I was with for almost 20 yrs-married almost 19. My condo sold for $100 at auction. My credit is ruined and I had to leave most of my possessions, all my friends behind. But god will be with me. I moved 1200 miles w/no one here but 1 friend and her elderly parents. I know no one here. But life is good. contact me if u need to talk. I still am dealing with the loss of all of these people I dearly loved. Hang in there. don't give up! barbara K. Feller

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