I just got through the first year anniversary of my boyfriend's death. He died almost 3 months before we found him,and to my surprise the dates that he was found and identified have been more traumatic than knowing he had died in January, even a year later. I was looking through articles on him a few days earlier and had come across a newscast from the local tv station. I had never seen this one and sure wish I hadn't watched it now. They showed the path he took and his last steps. What made it worse to me was they showed the hole they cut out of the ice where he was found. I know people want to know but come on, a little discretion on the pictures,please. I've tried to do something positive in my community by using my situation as a kind of learning experience, but suicide is almost a taboo subject. No one wants to admit that he did this, because it might make him look bad or them, I don't really know. As my anger with him fades because of what I have learned about depression and mental illness and the fact that he gave off very little signs beforehand, makes me want people to be aware, and point survivors in the right direction should they ever have to go through this. Unfortunately, this is big problem in my little community and it's rising, and the only support groups are 45 min away.
I still think of him often, and I still do cry many times. I haven't given the afterlife much thought, but lately I can almost swear Bryan is hanging around. My family was watching fireworks on my oldest son's birthday, and it was like he was standing behind me with his arms around me, it was this solid feeling I can't explain.It doesn't happen often, or it could be my imagination, who knows. I am slowly finding out is healing, true healing, takes time, tears, and lots of support, as well as letting go of the anger and guilt.