It's been a year

I just got through the first year anniversary of my boyfriend's death. He died almost 3 months before we found him,and to my surprise the dates that he was found and identified have been more traumatic than knowing he had died in January, even a year later. I was looking through articles on him a few days earlier and had come across a newscast from the local tv station. I had never seen this one and sure wish I hadn't watched it now. They showed the path he took and his last steps. What made it worse to me was they showed the hole they cut out of the ice where he was found. I know people want to know but come on, a little discretion on the pictures,please. I've tried to do something positive in my community by using my situation as a kind of learning experience, but suicide is almost a taboo subject. No one wants to admit that he did this, because it might make him look bad or them, I don't really know. As my anger with him fades because of what I have learned about depression and mental illness and the fact that he gave off very little signs beforehand, makes me want people to be aware, and point survivors in the right direction should they ever have to go through this. Unfortunately, this is big problem in my little community and it's rising, and the only support groups are 45 min away.

I still think of him often, and I still do cry many times. I haven't given the afterlife much thought, but lately I can almost swear Bryan is hanging around. My family was watching fireworks on my oldest son's birthday, and it was like he was standing behind me with his arms around me, it was this solid feeling I can't explain.It doesn't happen often, or it could be my imagination, who knows. I am slowly finding out is healing, true healing, takes time, tears, and lots of support, as well as letting go of the anger and guilt.

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Permalink Reply by SUE on March 29, 2010 at 11:25pm

Megan,
No truer words were spoken regarding healing. You've come along way in a very short time. Im sorry for the loss of your love. In somewhat similiar yet different circumstances, my ex love went missing in 1996. Remains were found in 2003, but not identified as being him until last x-mas. News coverage of the discovery of his remains,on tv. and newspaper. Later, after confirmed identification, more newspaper articles. They were'nt very flattering to his memory, only focussing on the negative about his life. Very difficult for those who knew and cared about him. His death is unsolvable. Either murder or suicide?
Your love was found in a matter of months, for Mike it took 13 years. However I know that once found, more questions then answers arise. Im so sorry for your loss of him. Never knowing the exact day is hard, perhaps thats why his discovery date has become more like the anniversary date of his death to you. Its difficult to get people to understand loss to suicide unless they've experienced it. I commend you for trying. My friend lost her 15 year old son to suicide 3 weeks ago. Its a very small town, he suffered from bullying. Needless to say, the whole town has been made aware of the loss to suicide, the dangers of bullying, and depression. It was a very hard and painful lesson. Now there is awareness..
Sorry didnt mean to make this reply so long, your post just struck a chord with me. Keep talking Megan, it really does help.
((Hugs))
Sue

Permalink Reply by Cozette on April 2, 2010 at 11:39am

Megan. Sorry to hear about the newspaper articles and pics. Seems everyone wants to know things, but no one wants to talk about it. I would urge you to go to a support group, even if it is far away. I live in a rural area also. I started a group over a year ago. Takes me 4o mins to get there. Each time we meet, I know it has been worth the travel. It is so hard to find folks who we can really to talk to. At the groups, everyone feels at ease to speak about whatever is on their minds. No judgement, silence or folks turning away from you. It is such a healing time for us all. Best to you ,Cozette

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