Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Annie on April 9, 2010 at 9:36am

Dear Kim,
I told my son when he was fourteen about his father, In fact he asked! My husband wrote five Valentine cards to us, one to me and his son. I cannot tell you how much my son cried and the devastation and scars my husband left on so many family members. Especially me and my son. First off, my son was only a a year on the fifth of Feb. and my husband went missing on the thirteenth of Feb. and he was missing for five weeks and two days and they found him in the river. My husband and I had a wonderful marriage. We had just bought a home and we had a new baby, Everything was wonderful, So I thought. When he did not come home for dinner, I called the club where he would stop in and they said, he had just left, he was on his way home. He did not drink, smoke or do drugs. I get a call at 9:00 in the evening and I said where are you, He said I LOVE YOU and I am sorry. He was crying. I said what's wrong? Where are you and he hung up. I was hysterical, I called his best friend and the police right away. He was reported to missing persons. We called everywhere, even to his Army buddies in N.Y. Nothing. I lost thirty pounds in a month. Remember, I had a little baby and he adored him. We did everything together. He came from an Italian family. I had no reason to believe my husband would not come home, something was wrong. After they had found his body, I found out that my husband was gambling. Remember all our bills were paid we were not in debt except for the mortgage. Most gamblers, I have found out steal, borrow whatever to try and make more money. They never do. As God is my witness, I never knew.
But his family knew and they blamed it on me. They knew that he was in trouble and never said a word until after he was buried. They were awful. I had to show them my mortgage payments,my bills, just so they would believe me. Other terrible things went on besides this, I could write a book. If your husband family
was not nice to you when you were married, think twice. I did not. I felt sorry for them, that was their son also. But, they were not nice to me. My son would go and visit for weekends once in awhile, Until, one day she had called my neighbor to tell her that I had pinned a note on my sons jacket to buy him clothes. Not in a million years would that have ever happened. It was a lie. When my son would come home he was disrespectful as he got a little older. Than it would take me time to correct him and I saw a pattern that I did not like, They would take my husbands graduation picture and have my son stand beside it with the grandfather as if he was alive. Strange. They acted if he was alive. but I never would say anything to them. Eventually, I had made a decision to move out of the state we were in and start a new life over. My son went to nursery school, at three, at seven, he started first grade at second grade I found out he was dyslexic. I worked with him as much as I could and hired a tutor twice a week as I had to work and he always wanted to be correct.I had him involved in soccer, cub scouts, Indian guides, touch tab,baseball etc. Being a single parent I did not want him to be around bad influences. When their is a husband around it's easier. but being single and consistency is harder. You have to be everything to that child. When you have one child, it is harder, if they had brother and sisters, they all play with each other. The responsibilities are great. God for bid, if you should slip. In stead of saying, can we help? Never once. My mother who was older than my husband parents would visit for a month or two every year.If it was not for my mother when my husband died, I would have never made it. I miss her everyday of my life. But, question your self, why was my sister in law was not in his life when he was small.
At 11 year of age I started to see his anger that was way out of line, so off to a psychiatrist. He did not want to go, but it all worked out in the end. So I thought. Boys need a father figure, He missed having a father terribly, He asked if he loved him and if he loved him why? The same thing you are asking yourself, children do the same. They are just not verbal about it until they are older. In the mean time I would call his grandfather and grandmother so he could talk with them. They never came to visit, They were more than welcome. But not once. I did not want my son to grow up in a community where people talk and makeup outrageous stories. I wanted him to be successful and not have to go through that. At fourteen, he asked about the Valentine day cards. I decided show him, he cried and cried. Today, I think I should have sent him to grieving classes for teenagers. But they need to know the truth. But it festered in him for years. He has had a difficult time with this. He had been diagnosed with ADD and he has had his own struggles. You can protect your children for so long and hope that they have learned, but you have to let them find their own way. He is a successful businessman, who has not married yet, going with a very sweet woman that he is serious about. Take care of yourself, Be kind to yourself, we are not perfect, Keep busy, Love Much, lauigh much, plant a garden, Be careful of the men you date as when someone commits suicide, you end up trying to save the world and you some times make bad choices,

Permalink Reply by Megan Reilly on April 15, 2010 at 12:05pm

Annie said:

Dear Kim,
I told my son when he was fourteen about his father, In fact he asked! My husband wrote five Valentine cards to us, one to me and his son. I cannot tell you how much my son cried and the devastation and scars my husband left on so many family members. Especially me and my son. First off, my son was only a a year on the fifth of Feb. and my husband went missing on the thirteenth of Feb. and he was missing for five weeks and two days and they found him in the river. My husband and I had a wonderful marriage. We had just bought a home and we had a new baby, Everything was wonderful, So I thought. When he did not come home for dinner, I called the club where he would stop in and they said, he had just left, he was on his way home. He did not drink, smoke or do drugs. I get a call at 9:00 in the evening and I said where are you, He said I LOVE YOU and I am sorry. He was crying. I said what's wrong? Where are you and he hung up. I was hysterical, I called his best friend and the police right away. He was reported to missing persons. We called everywhere, even to his Army buddies in N.Y. Nothing. I lost thirty pounds in a month. Remember, I had a little baby and he adored him. We did everything together. He came from an Italian family. I had no reason to believe my husband would not come home, something was wrong. After they had found his body, I found out that my husband was gambling. Remember all our bills were paid we were not in debt except for the mortgage. Most gamblers, I have found out steal, borrow whatever to try and make more money. They never do. As God is my witness, I never knew.
But his family knew and they blamed it on me. They knew that he was in trouble and never said a word until after he was buried. They were awful. I had to show them my mortgage payments,my bills, just so they would believe me. Other terrible things went on besides this, I could write a book. If your husband family
was not nice to you when you were married, think twice. I did not. I felt sorry for them, that was their son also. But, they were not nice to me. My son would go and visit for weekends once in awhile, Until, one day she had called my neighbor to tell her that I had pinned a note on my sons jacket to buy him clothes. Not in a million years would that have ever happened. It was a lie. When my son would come home he was disrespectful as he got a little older. Than it would take me time to correct him and I saw a pattern that I did not like, They would take my husbands graduation picture and have my son stand beside it with the grandfather as if he was alive. Strange. They acted if he was alive. but I never would say anything to them. Eventually, I had made a decision to move out of the state we were in and start a new life over. My son went to nursery school, at three, at seven, he started first grade at second grade I found out he was dyslexic. I worked with him as much as I could and hired a tutor twice a week as I had to work and he always wanted to be correct.I had him involved in soccer, cub scouts, Indian guides, touch tab,baseball etc. Being a single parent I did not want him to be around bad influences. When their is a husband around it's easier. but being single and consistency is harder. You have to be everything to that child. When you have one child, it is harder, if they had brother and sisters, they all play with each other. The responsibilities are great. God for bid, if you should slip. In stead of saying, can we help? Never once. My mother who was older than my husband parents would visit for a month or two every year.If it was not for my mother when my husband died, I would have never made it. I miss her everyday of my life. But, question your self, why was my sister in law was not in his life when he was small.
At 11 year of age I started to see his anger that was way out of line, so off to a psychiatrist. He did not want to go, but it all worked out in the end. So I thought. Boys need a father figure, He missed having a father terribly, He asked if he loved him and if he loved him why? The same thing you are asking yourself, children do the same. They are just not verbal about it until they are older. In the mean time I would call his grandfather and grandmother so he could talk with them. They never came to visit, They were more than welcome. But not once. I did not want my son to grow up in a community where people talk and makeup outrageous stories. I wanted him to be successful and not have to go through that. At fourteen, he asked about the Valentine day cards. I decided show him, he cried and cried. Today, I think I should have sent him to grieving classes for teenagers. But they need to know the truth. But it festered in him for years. He has had a difficult time with this. He had been diagnosed with ADD and he has had his own struggles. You can protect your children for so long and hope that they have learned, but you have to let them find their own way. He is a successful businessman, who has not married yet, going with a very sweet woman that he is serious about. Take care of yourself, Be kind to yourself, we are not perfect, Keep busy, Love Much, lauigh much, plant a garden, Be careful of the men you date as when someone commits suicide, you end up trying to save the world and you some times make bad choices,

Permalink Reply by Megan Reilly on April 15, 2010 at 12:05pm

Annie said:

Dear Kim,
I told my son when he was fourteen about his father, In fact he asked! My husband wrote five Valentine cards to us, one to me and his son. I cannot tell you how much my son cried and the devastation and scars my husband left on so many family members. Especially me and my son. First off, my son was only a a year on the fifth of Feb. and my husband went missing on the thirteenth of Feb. and he was missing for five weeks and two days and they found him in the river. My husband and I had a wonderful marriage. We had just bought a home and we had a new baby, Everything was wonderful, So I thought. When he did not come home for dinner, I called the club where he would stop in and they said, he had just left, he was on his way home. He did not drink, smoke or do drugs. I get a call at 9:00 in the evening and I said where are you, He said I LOVE YOU and I am sorry. He was crying. I said what's wrong? Where are you and he hung up. I was hysterical, I called his best friend and the police right away. He was reported to missing persons. We called everywhere, even to his Army buddies in N.Y. Nothing. I lost thirty pounds in a month. Remember, I had a little baby and he adored him. We did everything together. He came from an Italian family. I had no reason to believe my husband would not come home, something was wrong. After they had found his body, I found out that my husband was gambling. Remember all our bills were paid we were not in debt except for the mortgage. Most gamblers, I have found out steal, borrow whatever to try and make more money. They never do. As God is my witness, I never knew.
But his family knew and they blamed it on me. They knew that he was in trouble and never said a word until after he was buried. They were awful. I had to show them my mortgage payments,my bills, just so they would believe me. Other terrible things went on besides this, I could write a book. If your husband family
was not nice to you when you were married, think twice. I did not. I felt sorry for them, that was their son also. But, they were not nice to me. My son would go and visit for weekends once in awhile, Until, one day she had called my neighbor to tell her that I had pinned a note on my sons jacket to buy him clothes. Not in a million years would that have ever happened. It was a lie. When my son would come home he was disrespectful as he got a little older. Than it would take me time to correct him and I saw a pattern that I did not like, They would take my husbands graduation picture and have my son stand beside it with the grandfather as if he was alive. Strange. They acted if he was alive. but I never would say anything to them. Eventually, I had made a decision to move out of the state we were in and start a new life over. My son went to nursery school, at three, at seven, he started first grade at second grade I found out he was dyslexic. I worked with him as much as I could and hired a tutor twice a week as I had to work and he always wanted to be correct.I had him involved in soccer, cub scouts, Indian guides, touch tab,baseball etc. Being a single parent I did not want him to be around bad influences. When their is a husband around it's easier. but being single and consistency is harder. You have to be everything to that child. When you have one child, it is harder, if they had brother and sisters, they all play with each other. The responsibilities are great. God for bid, if you should slip. In stead of saying, can we help? Never once. My mother who was older than my husband parents would visit for a month or two every year.If it was not for my mother when my husband died, I would have never made it. I miss her everyday of my life. But, question your self, why was my sister in law was not in his life when he was small.
At 11 year of age I started to see his anger that was way out of line, so off to a psychiatrist. He did not want to go, but it all worked out in the end. So I thought. Boys need a father figure, He missed having a father terribly, He asked if he loved him and if he loved him why? The same thing you are asking yourself, children do the same. They are just not verbal about it until they are older. In the mean time I would call his grandfather and grandmother so he could talk with them. They never came to visit, They were more than welcome. But not once. I did not want my son to grow up in a community where people talk and makeup outrageous stories. I wanted him to be successful and not have to go through that. At fourteen, he asked about the Valentine day cards. I decided show him, he cried and cried. Today, I think I should have sent him to grieving classes for teenagers. But they need to know the truth. But it festered in him for years. He has had a difficult time with this. He had been diagnosed with ADD and he has had his own struggles. You can protect your children for so long and hope that they have learned, but you have to let them find their own way. He is a successful businessman, who has not married yet, going with a very sweet woman that he is serious about. Take care of yourself, Be kind to yourself, we are not perfect, Keep busy, Love Much, lauigh much, plant a garden, Be careful of the men you date as when someone commits suicide, you end up trying to save the world and you some times make bad choices,

Permalink Reply by Lisa Athan on April 16, 2010 at 5:59am

Hi Kim,
I am a grief specialist and do a lot with children and teens who are grieving. I am so sorry that you have experienced this. I want to recommend two books that may help you tell your son. I do know that it is better to tell him as he will find out from someone at some point and it is better that it comes from you in a safe place at a time that he has some time to process this very painful news. I have met countless adults including this past Saturday, when I spoke to about 100 therapists, who have shared how they found out years later that the death was a suicide and how angry and hurt they were that no one told them. My bet is that he is wondering why there is whispering, or why he doesn't have all the facts. I encourage kids and you too, to write out a letter to his dad saying all the things he needs to, including perhaps that he is sorry that he really never got to know him. Explaining that 95% of people who take their lives have an undiagnosed or undertreated psychiatric illness, often depression, anxiety or bi-polar disorder helps explain. The book that I most recommend for you to read with your son is: My Uncle Keith Died by Carol Ann Loehr. Great book for a 12 year old and explains how sometimes someone's brain doesn't work correctly making enough of the chemicals that it is supposed to make. It explains depression and how people get to a place that they see no options. They are not thinking about the pain that it will cause others, they just want to escape their own pain and see no way out. The book for you to help you is After a Parent's Suicide: Helping Children Heal by Margo Requarth. Although his dad was estranged, I think this will still be quite helpful to you. In terms of your son asking if he is going to do the same thing (one of the most common fears of why parents want to hide it from their children) is to tell him like addiction, sometimes depression runs in families. All that means is that you all will be careful to be on the look out for signs of depression so that if he ever was depressed he knows that there is help. Please look at two great web sites: www.afsp.org (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) and www.sptsnj.org The Society for the Prevention of Teens Suicide in NJ ( even if you aren't in NJ, doesn't matter, great for you and your son to look at.) I also have a web site with good information about children, teens and adults in grief: www.griefspeaks.com So sorry for your loss and know that the truth always comes out and it is best when it comes from someone we love and trust. Remind him of his own support network, people he can call when upset, things he likes to do that help him to feel relaxed and calm. He may be very angry, hurt, confused and even feel regret for not being able to help his dad. This is all so normal. Let him know that too.
It isn't easy for you too. So many assume that if we aren't in the lives of someone who dies we aren't that affected, but you are certainly grieving as well. We grieve for things that didn't turn out the way they could have too. Please let me know if you need anything else. Please also find a grief support program in your state. Let me know your state and I can let you know of one or go to www.dougy.org and see the state locator. My email is: lisa@griefspeaks.com Take care, Lisa

Permalink Reply by linda on April 18, 2010 at 4:22pm

dear kim, well you certainally have been through it. my son took his life when he was 17, he left behind 3 younger silblings, 8, 10, and 16, when he passed. i debated for about a min whether or not to tell my yougest, but that was their brother, they knew him, they loved him, ans so they went to the funeral, and have known from an early age what happened from the start. 2 went on to become us, marines, the oldest of the 3, dove into music, which he now has 3 little kids of his own. they watched me for 3 years struggle, and struggle i did, to be the mom they knew before all this happened, but it changes a person hun. they got a mom who knew i had to pull myself up by my bootstraps, to live for them, and the people and friends that loved me. no easy task. i think it,s better if it comes from you hun, god forbid he should go to school or hear it from someone else, than he will blame you for not being straight and honest with him, at 12, he can handle the truth, and he too will grieve. but one day at a time you will get though this, untill someday you reach a point of less and less pain. so sorry for your loss, and your sons loss, godbless, and know were here for you if you need us

Permalink Reply by Heather 33 on April 19, 2010 at 11:56am

hello kim my daddy committed suicide 4 years ago. At that time my daughter was 5. All I told her was that they was an accident with a gun. Last month a family friend ended his life and she heard what happened....I had to tell he the truth about him, she asked, and then she asked is that what Paw did. I said yes and she was so mad at me for not telling her the truth before now. She is ok now but she just wanted to know the truth. So my advice is when your son asks you tell him. He will eventally find out. Even at a young age of 9 my daughter wanted to know I am not sure if she really understands but she wanted to know and I told her. She asked my why he did it and between ours tears I told her that I had no idea. Kids are way stronger than we give them credit for. I am sorry for your loss.