SO SAD ALL THE TIME

MY SON, 44 YEARS OLD COMMITED SUISIDE ON DECEMBER 29, 2008. HE HAD DRANK AND USED DRUGS, BUT HAD BEEN CLEAN FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS, BUT WAS TOO LATE. HE HAD SCOLROSIS OF THE LIVER. HE HAD A BRAIN TUMOR THE SIZE OF A LEMON, NOTHING WOULD TAKE THE PAIN AWAY. HE WOULD HURT SO BAD --HE COULD HARDLY WALK. HE WAS ON SOME PRETTY STRONG MEDS, THAT JUST DIDN'T WORK ANYMORE, AND SOME WERE STOLEN BY A COUSIN, SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE SURE HE DIDN'T TAKE TOO MANY. TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, SHE TOOK MOST OF THE FLOWERS FROM THE LUNCHEON, CALLED THE STATE POLICE ON ME (HARRESSMENT) AFTER I CALLED TO GET THE FLOWER CARDS--WE COULDN'T SEND THANK YOU NOTES. THAT WASN'T ENOUGH--SHE TOOK THE COLLECTION ENVELOPES FROM THE CHURCH, AND A STORE. SHE LEFT ONE STORE IN A HUFF BECAUSE THE OWNER WOULDN'T GIVE HER THAT MONEY, $400 DOLLARS. AT HIS FUNERAL THERE WERE 400 PLUS FAMILY AND TONS OF FRIENDS. I GO TO SLEEP CRYING AND WAKE UP CRYING--EVEN NOW. I HAVE BEEN TO COUNSELING, IT HAS HELPED---BUT UNTIL YOU LOSE A CHILD, YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT A PARENT IS GOING THROUGH. I FOUND IT HARDER THAN LOSIING MY MOM AND DAD. IT TOOK ME SEVEN YEARS TO GET A GRIP ON MY MOM'S DEATH. AT TIMES IT FEELS LIKE NOBODY WANTS ME TO TALK ABOUT HIM ANYMORE. TALKING OR WRITNG A POEM ABOUT/FOR HIM IS GOOD THERAPY FOR ME. I AM TIRED OF FEELING SO ALONE--THOUGH I KNOW I AM NOT.

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Permalink Reply by Carla on April 14, 2010 at 2:19pm

Dear Macky, I lost my son, Michael, on Dec 13th, 2009. There was no warning. He had just been diagnosed with depression and was just put on medicine. The only thing that has kept me going each day is a very counselor I see each week, and those who pray and support us in other ways. I lost my mom in August and didn't even have time to grieve her passing when this hit us. I agree - there is no pain like that of losing your child. And the other pain is the inability of others to be present to us as we grieve... those who don't want us to bring up our loved one's name or talk about them - but do so anyway. You can talk of your son here and people do listen and are comforting. I go to counseling once a week, every week and it does help give me a little more strength to face the week. You are not alone but often it feels that way. I am a person of faith (though my faith has been shaken terribly), but I know God collects each tear and knows our pain. I pray that peace comes to you, as I hope one day it comes to me and my husband and other children. This is a good site to be able to connect to others that truly know what our heart feels like.
Carla

Permalink Reply by Macky Smith on April 15, 2010 at 12:02am

Carla said:

Dear Macky, I lost my son, Michael, on Dec 13th, 2009. There was no warning. He had just been diagnosed with depression and was just put on medicine. The only thing that has kept me going each day is a very I see each week, and those who pray and support us in other ways. I lost my mom in August and didn't even have time to grieve her passing when this hit us. I agree - there is no pain like that of losing your child. And the other pain is the inability of others to be present to us as we grieve... those who don't want us to bring up our loved one's name or talk about them - but do so anyway. You can talk of your son here and people do listen and are comforting. I go to counseling once a week, every week and it does help give me a little more strength to face the week. You are not alone but often it feels that way. I am a person of faith (though my faith has been shaken terribly), but I know God collects each tear and knows our pain. I pray that peace comes to you, as I hope one day it comes to me and my husband and other children. This is a good site to be able to connect to others that truly know what our heart feels like.
Carla

Permalink Reply by Macky Smith on April 15, 2010 at 12:03am

Macky Smith said:

Carla said:
Dear Macky, I lost my son, Michael, on Dec 13th, 2009. There was no warning. He had just been diagnosed with depression and was just put on medicine. The only thing that has kept me going each day is a very I see each week, and those who pray and support us in other ways. I lost my mom in August and didn't even have time to grieve her passing when this hit us. I agree - there is no pain like that of losing your child. And the other pain is the inability of others to be present to us as we grieve... those who don't want us to bring up our loved one's name or talk about them - but do so anyway. You can talk of your son here and people do listen and are comforting. I go to counseling once a week, every week and it does help give me a little more strength to face the week. You are not alone but often it feels that way. I am a person of faith (though my faith has been shaken terribly), but I know God collects each tear and knows our pain. I pray that peace comes to you, as I hope one day it comes to me and my husband and other children. This is a good site to be able to connect to others that truly know what our heart feels like.
Carla

Permalink Reply by BARBARA K. FELLER on April 15, 2010 at 6:21pm

I know how hard this is for you. I lost my step-son who was my son in all sense of the word except by physical birth. His name was Kevin Feller. He was diagnosed with Chrons disease at an early age then had mental problems on top of that. He took an '''accidental''' (?) over dose of his mental medications & died in a welfare hotel 02-26-1999. That poor young man. My husband and I loved him so. It still hurts to this day as we were so close.

My husband periodically suffered w/the '''blues'' over the years after Kevin died which was harder on him than on me because I'd met Kevin when he was a teenager. My husband knew him from birth.

My husband Stuart Feller, was wonderful. We knew we were soul mates along with being the very best of friends, companions, buddies. His only other child, Jill, ostracized him for no reason over the years. No matter what Stuie did it was never enough. Jill felt she'd been 'tossed aside' and would say 'My brother is a curse'.
She was about 2 yrs younger than Kevin. She was never tossed aside but when u are trying to save your son's life from constant illnesses, hospitalizations, operations, of course that child would-temporarily- be the priority. Out of necessity not maliciousness. Jill went to therapy for her issues. However, you can go a million times and if u don't put into action what the therapist says u need to do, it is pointless to go. Over the yrs. she was vicious to us. I did nothing and neither did Stuie to warrant her actions. Time after time she hurt us and/or lashed out at us. I won't go into it now as it would take too long.
My husband's mother, Esther Krusch Feller was whacked out, along with her brother, Joseph Krusch, as was their father. They periodically would blow up and yell/scream for no reason then calm down just as fast. Esther and stuie's father divorced when Stuie was 3 y.o. He only saw his father 2 times after that. Esther sexually abused him growing up along with her sick little group of friends. Stuie tried to make the best of it.
I found out about that after we'd been married a number of years. He'd gone to therapy regarding that and some other things. He'd experienced 2 bad marriages before me. The first wife and mother of their two kids had her own problems. He'd once in a while want to play baseball game or go fishing and she'd scream at him not to go..duh! She hounded him until he couldn't take it anymore. He was always so grounded and responsible. He worked hard and never neglected his personal life but everyone is entitled to some fun. So he divorced her. She drove him crazy even after they were divorced. He finally met someone else, Marie. They were together almost 9 yrs when out of the blue she cheated on him. Stuie promptly divorced her.

He moved from NYC to S. Fl. We met at our federal job. We fell in love with our best friends. We were always outgoing and friendly-both had all sorts of friends-male and female of every race, religion, ethnic background.
We worked 2 jobs, overtime at fed'l job, etc. But with his sick son who even though he recv'd SSI disability--from SSA, where we worked, Medicaid plus federal govt medical plan doesn't cover everything. Then on top of Kevin's being ill, after I moved from New orleans, La (NOLA) to s. fl. I ended up ill much of the time. At first doctors though it was my allergies and s. fl's sub-tropical climate plus my dad's smoking depleted my lung capacity by 30% which aggravated my asthma--supposedly. Seems like I was constantly at many different specialist's office plus allergists' offices sometimes 2 timeer week. But it wasn't my allergies that had made me so ill. It was the fact that I worked in 3 sick federal bldgs loaded w/toxic mold and mildew. We had a few vacations over the years and a few breaks and I'd grab a few days here and there. We loved each other's company.
To make a long story sort of short, I retired on early out as Stuie had done 1997. I retired 2004. I didn't want to retire but my health had deteriorated and entirely blown out my immune system. I'd tried for 3-4 yrs to get transferred or promoted to a healthier office which was closer to my doctor's and to our home. But I couldn't get transferred or promoted. I retired 7-8 yrs earlier than planned.
We'd purchased our 1st home together a beautiful condo in 55 or older community-right on the water where we could walk out our back door & fish. Unfortunately, due to financial problems, we ended up with 2 mortgages.
I got gastric bypass surgery 05-29-2007 2 days after my 53rd b'day. That was a 2 day hosp. stay. 2 months later I developed ulcer at operation site-3 day hospital stay. My weight dropped off very quickly. I lost 80 lbs in a few months. I wanted to look for work and did -even though doctor's told me not to for 4 months.

We had a APR on one of our mortgages and this was due to increase in 12/2007.
It didn't help that crazy Esther my mil and Stuie's pushed her way into our home for 6 times in the past 2 1/2 yrs. That didn't help Stuie having her around.

He started 'losing it' and I made appt w/psychiatrist but before I could get him to psychiatrist i had to put him into mental hospital for a few days to try and get him stablilized. He got out and seemed to be doing better. I took him to psychiatrist who was so nuts he needed one himself. I told Stuie I would wait in waiting room while he had his session w/psychiatrist as it was private and he could discuss anything he wanted with the doctor. But Stuie told psychiatrist that he insisted he wanted to sit in w/them in their session as I knew everything and he had nothing to hide from me. So I sat. The moronic doctor asked him 'Were u ever sexually abused while growing up?" Stuie: 'Yes but I don't want to talk about it." Doctor did nothing else to try to get him to open up. He just wrote out 2 7 day prescriptions and said, "Make an appt for next week." duh!
So I made appt w/g.p. our friend and our g.p because Stuie refused to go back to that psychiatrist as he was useless, pointless, of no help and weird to boot. Plus he reacted terribly to 2 medications doctor gave him. His mind just snapped. He seemed ok for a few days but went back to his withdrawing, anxiety filled days/nights. He didn't want to talk or see anyone or leave the house. I was in nursing school so I'm familiar with the symptoms. Plus my b.f. who's a r.n. suffered with depression years ago and I researched stuff for her and helped her through her ordeal. Plus she saw psychiatrist, etc.
I supported Stuie, encouraged him, tried to get him to see that our financial situation wasn't as dire as he was making it out to be but his mind snapped and there was no reasoning with him. He was talking out of his head. If u would've told me that the wonderful man that I'd met almost 20 yrs before, would've cracked I wouldn't have believed it.
I pushed him and encouraged him telling him 'U have to be an active participant in your recovery." I even gave him massages, extra vitamins, health foods, talked to him, etc. and had him keep a journal plus had him listen to some gentle music that would help him.
But you can't make someone want to live. If we could will it, it would be done.

I got him out 2 days in a row to go fishing and get some fresh air, sunshine on 11/27 & 11/28 2007. I got up 11/29/2007, went to bathroom, got a little bite of cottage cheese and sip of water. I came back to bed. Stuie opened his eyes and I said, 'Morning, bear man. I love you!" He said, just like he always, did, "I love you too." We kissed each other and I got back into bed. The next thing I knew my alarm went off at 10:30. I jumped into shower got out dressed, got my things together and went out front door. No Stuie. I forgot something and went back into house. I saw Stuie's bathroom door shut and light shining under door. I called to him. No answer. I called again. No answer. I thought maybe he was going to bathroom. I tried door but couldn't open it all the way. I saw him slumped over behind door between wall and door. I thought 'It's so hot in that bathroom w/door closed that he's probably passed out or had a heart attack from all the stress he'd been under recently." I ran to call 911, yelled out my front door, "Help, help. Someone help me." Then raced back to bathroom, shoved myself into bathroom, and tried to lift Stuie up. No mean feat considering he was 5'10" and solid 180 lbs. I couldn't lift him. Then I saw the makeshift noose from yellow fishing keeper line around his neck. I cut him down and gently held his neck and put him on floor. I started performing CPR and my 2 girlfriends, Judy and Barbara came into help. Barbara had a heart attack that day over it. Judy and I kept performing CPR until paramedics got there. No use. Too late. It was awful.
I had to deal with homicide detectives accusing me of murdering my husband, almost 2 yrs of creditors hounding me day and night for money which I no longer had. We'd recently changed our life ins. policy from $150,000 down to $100,000 only 1 wk before. We'd begged my husband's uber rich uncle who's worth 40 to 50 million dollars for help plus many banks, financial institutions for help to re-finance our 2 mortgages into one to try and get our expenses under control. All of our relatives ignored our letters, emails, pleas for help. All it would've taken was a total of $250,000 to bail us out once and for all. Even if we'd gotten $192,000 for condo alone that would've been of great help. All of my husband's first cousins have million dollar trust funds and multiple homes in florida, manhattan and long island. All are working and well off. No one has had any illnesses or sick children, or 30 times going to court w/a crazy ex-wife.
Then on top of that with losing my husband, I have a very dysfunctional family. Everyone was notified right away. I am the only dtr/sister out of 4 children. The only decent one was my oldest brother, Dan, who was my favorite. He called me the same night he found out. He was out of state on business yet he called me. We talked for 2 hours. No one else called me or even sent sympathy cards, or email. Nothing. Dan dropped 07-16-08 and then my father dropped dead exactly 1 wk later 07-23-08. No one notified me of either death. I had to find out 2 wks after the fact by a girlfriend that lives in Houston. My mother called everyone that she knew except her own/only dtr. What is wrong with people?
Autopsy had to be done on Dan-heart attack in his sleep. My dad wasn't well but he wasn't expected to die.
So, my condo foreclosed, I had to leave almost everything I own in my condo as I couldn't take it with me. I had to sell my husband's car and deal with 2 slimy guys trying to hit on me for a 'friends with benefits' and a u know what-do u want to do 'it' with me? Whatever happened to dating, romance and nicities? My husband was always a gentleman.
I've lost a total of 110 lbs and looking great. All of my past medical stuff has finally cleared up.
I moved from s. fl to miss w/my girlfriend from high school and her husband-at her husband's request. I insisted on paying them $200 a month for the priviledge of having a roof over my head, no dresser or decent bed and then her husband has been passive/aggressive/hateful to me even though I stayed out of his way and let them have their own space. He forced me to move out 11 months after I was staying with them. Ruth, My friend, didn't want me to move out. It was her husband. I know no one here.
I feel lost, alone and miss my husband terribly. I am outgoing and want to find love again-eventually. This year 2010 it will be 3 yrs. Many days are better and nights are ok but there are some times when I will hear a song, a memory not only of my husband but my brother, we all loved oldies. My husband and I had a near perfect relationship. There is no explanation for any of this except he just cracked. I've had to deal with shipping his body out of state-back to nyc. As I flew into airport, the flight was delayed by almost 3 hours, I knew the Lord was with me. It was dusk and the plane flew right by Statue of LIberty and the sun peaked out from behind a cloud. I started crying and said to myself, and to Stuie, "Stuie I wanted to get u back to ny and what a way for you to come back.. I didn't think it would be like this. But I got you back."
So, u take one day and sometimes one moment at a time. Go to a grief counselor, join a group, get some books on grieving. It's difficult and you will never fully understand what's impossible to fathom. My favorite aunt edna, cracked 1994 and killed herself after her husband died-my uncle glenn. She had full family support and nothing they did helped-nothing. They get it in their mind that they just don't want to go on.
I found out from a friend that lives in Va. Beach, Va. that Stuie had told him about 1 yr before he killed himself that he wanted to end it all.
I'm sorry but heang in there. There are some national groups for suicide survivors. Try 'fisp' google search. It's in s. fl but will connect u w/national affiliates and groups. God bless u. barbara aka bobbie 8654

Permalink Reply by SUE on April 17, 2010 at 11:42pm

Dear Mackie
Im so sorry for your loss.The cousin sounds like a real piece of work. You are definately not alone, Im glad you have found us.
Sue

Permalink Reply by SUE on April 17, 2010 at 11:48pm

Barbara,
Im so sorry your Stuie lost his battle with depression, this disease takes so many good and wonderful people. You did everything humanly possible and then some. Im sure your efforts gave him more time on earth then he would have had otherwise. (hugs)

barbara j k feller said:

I know how hard this is for you. I lost my step-son who was my son in all sense of the word except by physical birth. His name was Kevin Feller. He was diagnosed with Chrons disease at an early age then had mental problems on top of that. He took an '''accidental''' (?) over dose of his mental medications & died in a welfare hotel 02-26-1999. That poor young man. My husband and I loved him so. It still hurts to this day as we were so close.

My husband periodically suffered w/the '''blues'' over the years after Kevin died which was harder on him than on me because I'd met Kevin when he was a teenager. My husband knew him from birth.

My husband Stuart Feller, was wonderful. We knew we were soul mates along with being the very best of friends, companions, buddies. His only other child, Jill, ostracized him for no reason over the years. No matter what Stuie did it was never enough. Jill felt she'd been 'tossed aside' and would say 'My brother is a curse'.
She was about 2 yrs younger than Kevin. She was never tossed aside but when u are trying to save your son's life from constant illnesses, hospitalizations, operations, of course that child would-temporarily- be the priority. Out of necessity not maliciousness. Jill went to therapy for her issues. However, you can go a million times and if u don't put into action what the therapist says u need to do, it is pointless to go. Over the yrs. she was vicious to us. I did nothing and neither did Stuie to warrant her actions. Time after time she hurt us and/or lashed out at us. I won't go into it now as it would take too long.
My husband's mother, Esther Krusch Feller was whacked out, along with her brother, Joseph Krusch, as was their father. They periodically would blow up and yell/scream for no reason then calm down just as fast. Esther and stuie's father divorced when Stuie was 3 y.o. He only saw his father 2 times after that. Esther sexually abused him growing up along with her sick little group of friends. Stuie tried to make the best of it.
I found out about that after we'd been married a number of years. He'd gone to therapy regarding that and some other things. He'd experienced 2 bad marriages before me. The first wife and mother of their two kids had her own problems. He'd once in a while want to play baseball game or go fishing and she'd scream at him not to go..duh! She hounded him until he couldn't take it anymore. He was always so grounded and responsible. He worked hard and never neglected his personal life but everyone is entitled to some fun. So he divorced her. She drove him crazy even after they were divorced. He finally met someone else, Marie. They were together almost 9 yrs when out of the blue she cheated on him. Stuie promptly divorced her.

He moved from NYC to S. Fl. We met at our federal job. We fell in love with our best friends. We were always outgoing and friendly-both had all sorts of friends-male and female of every race, religion, ethnic background.
We worked 2 jobs, overtime at fed'l job, etc. But with his sick son who even though he recv'd SSI disability--from SSA, where we worked, Medicaid plus federal govt medical plan doesn't cover everything. Then on top of Kevin's being ill, after I moved from New orleans, La (NOLA) to s. fl. I ended up ill much of the time. At first doctors though it was my allergies and s. fl's sub-tropical climate plus my dad's smoking depleted my lung capacity by 30% which aggravated my asthma--supposedly. Seems like I was constantly at many different specialist's office plus allergists' offices sometimes 2 timeer week. But it wasn't my allergies that had made me so ill. It was the fact that I worked in 3 sick federal bldgs loaded w/toxic mold and mildew. We had a few vacations over the years and a few breaks and I'd grab a few days here and there. We loved each other's company.
To make a long story sort of short, I retired on early out as Stuie had done 1997. I retired 2004. I didn't want to retire but my health had deteriorated and entirely blown out my immune system. I'd tried for 3-4 yrs to get transferred or promoted to a healthier office which was closer to my doctor's and to our home. But I couldn't get transferred or promoted. I retired 7-8 yrs earlier than planned.
We'd purchased our 1st home together a beautiful condo in 55 or older community-right on the water where we could walk out our back door & fish. Unfortunately, due to financial problems, we ended up with 2 mortgages.
I got gastric bypass surgery 05-29-2007 2 days after my 53rd b'day. That was a 2 day hosp. stay. 2 months later I developed ulcer at operation site-3 day hospital stay. My weight dropped off very quickly. I lost 80 lbs in a few months. I wanted to look for work and did -even though doctor's told me not to for 4 months.

We had a APR on one of our mortgages and this was due to increase in 12/2007.
It didn't help that crazy Esther my mil and Stuie's pushed her way into our home for 6 times in the past 2 1/2 yrs. That didn't help Stuie having her around.

He started 'losing it' and I made appt w/psychiatrist but before I could get him to psychiatrist i had to put him into mental hospital for a few days to try and get him stablilized. He got out and seemed to be doing better. I took him to psychiatrist who was so nuts he needed one himself. I told Stuie I would wait in waiting room while he had his session w/psychiatrist as it was private and he could discuss anything he wanted with the doctor. But Stuie told psychiatrist that he insisted he wanted to sit in w/them in their session as I knew everything and he had nothing to hide from me. So I sat. The moronic doctor asked him 'Were u ever sexually abused while growing up?" Stuie: 'Yes but I don't want to talk about it." Doctor did nothing else to try to get him to open up. He just wrote out 2 7 day prescriptions and said, "Make an appt for next week." duh!
So I made appt w/g.p. our friend and our g.p because Stuie refused to go back to that psychiatrist as he was useless, pointless, of no help and weird to boot. Plus he reacted terribly to 2 medications doctor gave him. His mind just snapped. He seemed ok for a few days but went back to his withdrawing, anxiety filled days/nights. He didn't want to talk or see anyone or leave the house. I was in nursing school so I'm familiar with the symptoms. Plus my b.f. who's a r.n. suffered with depression years ago and I researched stuff for her and helped her through her ordeal. Plus she saw psychiatrist, etc.
I supported Stuie, encouraged him, tried to get him to see that our financial situation wasn't as dire as he was making it out to be but his mind snapped and there was no reasoning with him. He was talking out of his head. If u would've told me that the wonderful man that I'd met almost 20 yrs before, would've cracked I wouldn't have believed it.
I pushed him and encouraged him telling him 'U have to be an active participant in your recovery." I even gave him massages, extra vitamins, health foods, talked to him, etc. and had him keep a journal plus had him listen to some gentle music that would help him.
But you can't make someone want to live. If we could will it, it would be done.

I got him out 2 days in a row to go fishing and get some fresh air, sunshine on 11/27 & 11/28 2007. I got up 11/29/2007, went to bathroom, got a little bite of cottage cheese and sip of water. I came back to bed. Stuie opened his eyes and I said, 'Morning, bear man. I love you!" He said, just like he always, did, "I love you too." We kissed each other and I got back into bed. The next thing I knew my alarm went off at 10:30. I jumped into shower got out dressed, got my things together and went out front door. No Stuie. I forgot something and went back into house. I saw Stuie's bathroom door shut and light shining under door. I called to him. No answer. I called again. No answer. I thought maybe he was going to bathroom. I tried door but couldn't open it all the way. I saw him slumped over behind door between wall and door. I thought 'It's so hot in that bathroom w/door closed that he's probably passed out or had a heart attack from all the stress he'd been under recently." I ran to call 911, yelled out my front door, "Help, help. Someone help me." Then raced back to bathroom, shoved myself into bathroom, and tried to lift Stuie up. No mean feat considering he was 5'10" and solid 180 lbs. I couldn't lift him. Then I saw the makeshift noose from yellow fishing keeper line around his neck. I cut him down and gently held his neck and put him on floor. I started performing CPR and my 2 girlfriends, Judy and Barbara came into help. Barbara had a heart attack that day over it. Judy and I kept performing CPR until paramedics got there. No use. Too late. It was awful.
I had to deal with homicide detectives accusing me of murdering my husband, almost 2 yrs of creditors hounding me day and night for money which I no longer had. We'd recently changed our life ins. policy from $150,000 down to $100,000 only 1 wk before. We'd begged my husband's uber rich uncle who's worth 40 to 50 million dollars for help plus many banks, financial institutions for help to re-finance our 2 mortgages into one to try and get our expenses under control. All of our relatives ignored our letters, emails, pleas for help. All it would've taken was a total of $250,000 to bail us out once and for all. Even if we'd gotten $192,000 for condo alone that would've been of great help. All of my husband's first cousins have million dollar trust funds and multiple homes in florida, manhattan and long island. All are working and well off. No one has had any illnesses or sick children, or 30 times going to court w/a crazy ex-wife.
Then on top of that with losing my husband, I have a very dysfunctional family. Everyone was notified right away. I am the only dtr/sister out of 4 children. The only decent one was my oldest brother, Dan, who was my favorite. He called me the same night he found out. He was out of state on business yet he called me. We talked for 2 hours. No one else called me or even sent sympathy cards, or email. Nothing. Dan dropped 07-16-08 and then my father dropped dead exactly 1 wk later 07-23-08. No one notified me of either death. I had to find out 2 wks after the fact by a girlfriend that lives in Houston. My mother called everyone that she knew except her own/only dtr. What is wrong with people?
Autopsy had to be done on Dan-heart attack in his sleep. My dad wasn't well but he wasn't expected to die.
So, my condo foreclosed, I had to leave almost everything I own in my condo as I couldn't take it with me. I had to sell my husband's car and deal with 2 slimy guys trying to hit on me for a 'friends with benefits' and a u know what-do u want to do 'it' with me? Whatever happened to dating, romance and nicities? My husband was always a gentleman.
I've lost a total of 110 lbs and looking great. All of my past medical stuff has finally cleared up.
I moved from s. fl to miss w/my girlfriend from high school and her husband-at her husband's request. I insisted on paying them $200 a month for the priviledge of having a roof over my head, no dresser or decent bed and then her husband has been passive/aggressive/hateful to me even though I stayed out of his way and let them have their own space. He forced me to move out 11 months after I was staying with them. Ruth, My friend, didn't want me to move out. It was her husband. I know no one here.
I feel lost, alone and miss my husband terribly. I am outgoing and want to find love again-eventually. This year 2010 it will be 3 yrs. Many days are better and nights are ok but there are some times when I will hear a song, a memory not only of my husband but my brother, we all loved oldies. My husband and I had a near perfect relationship. There is no explanation for any of this except he just cracked. I've had to deal with shipping his body out of state-back to nyc. As I flew into airport, the flight was delayed by almost 3 hours, I knew the Lord was with me. It was dusk and the plane flew right by Statue of LIberty and the sun peaked out from behind a cloud. I started crying and said to myself, and to Stuie, "Stuie I wanted to get u back to ny and what a way for you to come back.. I didn't think it would be like this. But I got you back."
So, u take one day and sometimes one moment at a time. Go to a grief counselor, join a group, get some books on grieving. It's difficult and you will never fully understand what's impossible to fathom. My favorite aunt edna, cracked 1994 and killed herself after her husband died-my uncle glenn. She had full family support and nothing they did helped-nothing. They get it in their mind that they just don't want to go on.
I found out from a friend that lives in Va. Beach, Va. that Stuie had told him about 1 yr before he killed himself that he wanted to end it all.
I'm sorry but heang in there. There are some national groups for suicide survivors. Try 'fisp' google search. It's in s. fl but will connect u w/national affiliates and groups. God bless u. barbara aka bobbie 8654

Permalink Reply by Macky Smith on April 18, 2010 at 1:15am

SUE said:

Dear Mackie
Im so sorry for your loss.The cousin sounds like a real piece of work. You are definately not alone, Im glad you have found us.
Sue

Permalink Reply by Macky Smith on April 18, 2010 at 1:16am

Macky Smith said:

SUE said:
Dear Mackie
Im so sorry for your loss.The cousin sounds like a real piece of work. You are definately not alone, Im glad you have found us.
Sue

Permalink Reply by Macky Smith on April 18, 2010 at 1:17am

Macky Smith said:

Macky Smith said:
SUE said:
Dear Mackie
Im so sorry for your loss.The cousin sounds like a real piece of work. You are definately not alone, Im glad you have found us.
Sue

Permalink Reply by Macky Smith on April 18, 2010 at 1:17am

Macky Smith said:

Macky Smith said:
SUE said:
Dear Mackie
Im so sorry for your loss.The cousin sounds like a real piece of work. You are definately not alone, Im glad you have found us.
Sue

Permalink Reply by Macky Smith on April 18, 2010 at 1:18am

Macky Smith said:

Macky Smith said:
Macky Smith said:
SUE said:
Dear Mackie
Im so sorry for your loss.The cousin sounds like a real piece of work. You are definately not alone, Im glad you have found us.
Sue

Permalink Reply by Macky Smith on April 18, 2010 at 1:29am

SUE--THANK YOU FOR YOUR MESSAGE. IT IS 2:20AM HERE AND I CAN NOT FALL ASLEEP. I JUST KEEP THINKING.. I CAN NOT WRAP MY HEAD AROUND THIS WHOLE THING. IT HAS TOO GET BETTER. I HAVE A BOOK I HAVE BEEN READING ABOUT DEATH, I FOUND THE FIVE PHASES OF DEATH ON A WEB SITE, FROM A LOCAL FUNERAL HOME, THAT HAS HELPED. I AM HAVING A CLASS REUNION IN MAY--A COUPLE OF MY FRIENDS FROM SCHOOL HAVE ALSO LOST A CHILD, BUT WANT TO HAVE SOME FUN, NOT JUST TALK, EVEN THOUGH WE WILL PROBABLY WANT TOO. IT SEEMS LIKE TALKING ABOUT MIKE IS GOOD THERAPY FOR ME. I AM GLAD THAT I FOUND YOU TOO,,THINKING OF YOU--MACKY