my name is sarah and i'm 27. my mom committed suicide when i was 24. she told me on my b day that she was gonna let a train run her over. i didn't believe her and told her not to talk like that and she said that she had it all planned out. a month latter on fathers day she let a train run her over!i hate her for what she did and at the same time i misses her so much. that messes with my head and i get so angry. i feel like ill never be able to forgive her. i want to stop feeling so stuck with grief and would really like some guidance.

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Sarah,
Im so sorry. Im really glad you found us here because we truly understand. You are not alone. Feelings of anger and deep sorrow are all quite normal and common for many survivors of suicide. And thats what we are survivors of suicide. Your mom was sick,and she fought her illness for as long as she could.I wouldnt of believed my brother had he said he wanted to die, the concept just so unimaginable. We all have guilt and even tho I know in my head I didnt do anything wrong, in my heart I feel differently. The bottom line is none of us has the power to control somebody, nor can we fix a broken mind, I think by the time they have made the decision to go, they are already gone. Its been 3 years for you and almost 8 years for me, there is no time limit on "getting over it" ok, it just is what it is. Please keep talking it helps and researching cause that does too, but mostly be gentle with yourself. If you need more support then suicide survivor groups, I would suggest councilling too. Im sorry you have reason to be here Sarah,but again glad you found us,
Hugs
Sue
thank you! i'm glad i found this group to. i'm really hurting and need to know i'm not alone. do you have anxiety from your brothers death?
I sure did, not bad now tho.Time has passed and I can breathe. Ive been thru alot and always considered myself to be a strong person, with the loss of my brother I know Im not, I am only human, and I needed help. I saw my doctor for the things I could not control. I joined online support groups and found support and compassion there. Have been lucky at home too ,leaning heavily on my husband. He never once complained that the house was a mess,or I hadnt showered, or gone back to work. I simply needed the time to get myself together, no Im not the same as before, as none of us ever are. I am functioning and have happiness and joy and laughter, but I still change the channel when I see the beginnings of a suicide or hanging on tv. I startle easy, I day dream, I can cry at the drop of a hat. I mention them here in case you are experiencing the same or similiar..its ok you are not alone. I wrote a post here awhile back titled Suicide survivors I hope this helps, scroll down till you find it here. It might be of some value to you.
Sue

sarah said:
thank you! i'm glad i found this group to. i'm really hurting and need to know i'm not alone. do you have anxiety from your brothers death?
Sarah,
my oldest sister was my best fiend, somehow I knew she was planning to go, but didn't occured to me that she would really do it...to this day I remember everything about her but I do not feel the deep burning pain and guilt anymore...I must say that I would not have made it without counseling and meds. I promise you it will get better with time, praying helps too....12 years already
Dear Sue: I read a lot about depression and suicide. I have come to understand our son was not in his right mind - he did not have the ability to make a logical and right decision and when the pain was too much - it took over. I can't be angry at someone who is ill. He could not control his illness and like cancer or a heart attack, depression can take one's life. I would not be able to get through our loss of our youngest son without a good grief counselor and sleep meds. Also, the many friends and family who pray for us each day, who send little cards and remebrances just when i'm feeling really badly. You are not alone. Every heart that reads your story breaks with you. Seek a good counselor and if you are a faith person, find one who also includes the faith side of grief. My prayers will include you also, Sarah.
Anger, guilt, pain, are some of the emotions. I felt so alone until I found this site. Left the site for a while but feel so much better and understand so much when I am here. Yes , it has gotten better for me since day 1 but at some days I feel so much pain. It is a process that you are going through but we are here together to help each other.
Sarah,

I am so sorry for your loss! I don't log on very often and I just saw your message tonight. My Dad took his life Jan 22,2009, I know how you are feeling! He was terribly distressed and in terrible financial trouble. He had said we would all be better off with out him but I truly never thought he would do it. He went to his church after work on the 22nd, put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. Not only did he leave us he did it in a completely public way.

Please know that being angry one minute and loving her so much it hurts the next is totally normal! I have done counceling, I have talked to friends and I have spent countless hours talking to him, searching for answers. I finally determined that for me focusing on my family, my little boy and the life he wanted me to have is how I will heal.

I have come to the place that I can know that he has found what he so desperately needed which was peace. I wish everyday that my little boy had his grandpa and that I had my Dad but I know that he is in my heart will always watch over us and he is no longer hurting. I don't think I will ever know how much pain he was in atleast I pray that I wont.

I pray that you will be able to find your own peace...your Mothers burdens are not yours and you can not carry them. It is hard to explain to others how you feel if they have not lived this. I hate being called a "suicide survivor" but that is exactly what we are and that is why we are all here for one another.

You are in my prayers and if you want to talk or need a shoulder you got it!

Roberta
Oh Sarah, i am so sorry to hear you're loss, almost brought me to tears. When something like this happens its only natural to have those feelings.. Remember though in times like these, prayer will help you so so very much. I speak from experience, be reassured, even if your prayers aren't answered immediately don't lose faith, in do time you will feel God's strength, helping you to keep on. A few scriptures that always strike a string deep in my heart are these " The eyes of Jehovah are toward the righteous ones, and his ears are toward their cry for help." Psalms 34:15 " Jehovah is near to those broken at heart;and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.
Sarah i know of an article that will bring you comfort as well. Entitles 'Have You Lost A Loved One To Suicide?" here is the link. Let me know if you found it i hope i could help.

http://www.watchtower.org/e/20011022/diagram_03.htm

Sincerely.......
hi sarah, my name is linda, and i lost my 17 year old to suicide 14 years ago oct 21st. first i would like to say to you hun, what a brave girl you are, you,ve had to carry all this inside you, for along time. it,s not your fault, your mom sounds like she had a death wish, as my ben did also, we're the ones left with the pieces, the pain, and the guilt. we can beat ourselfs up, which i did for a few years, when i realized this wasnt my fault, there was nothing i could do to stop it, and i had to tell myself, i have a family, children, a husband who needed me, even if my ben didnt.i,ve been angry, sad, mad, depressed, but at the end of the day, i have to find it in myself, to be me. it messed with my head too sweetie, how could they, how dare they. i,ve come to belive it,s not their fault, theres something wrong with people who take their own lifes, and we cant always see it. we dont wanna belive their threats of death are real. we know better today, thats it,s a cry for help. it helps to talk to people who have been through what you have gone through, and sadly theres alot of us out here. but i can tell you sarah, it does get easier with time, the pain never really goes away hun, but you learn how to live with it, sometimes, one day at a time, 1 hour, 1 minute. what ever it takes to make it through the day. also, sometimes talking to a professional helps, as we have so much crap inside of us to sort out, they can guide us. i,m so sorry for your loss, and your heartache as i read your words, my heart breaks for you, your so young kid, and you,ve got your whole life ahead of you, and people i,m sure that depend on you as well. keep reaching out, and talking, we learn from others. godbless sarah, and keep your chin up and your head held high. i promise you, someday, it will be better.
Hi Sarah I am sorry for your loss and what a huge loss it is. for our mothers should be our mentors be strong be loving be there forever. I have lost my son. the loss is unbelievable some days i am good some days i am not good. every single thing in life reminds me of him and now of how he is gone. life is so different.. love to you... i hope you are ok. i see your little one there how lovely it would have been for her to share that.. that priceless love the child the child mom relationship... can talk anytime. carrie L

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