Hi, Jessie. My name is Dianne. I am so, so sorry to hear about what happened to your uncle. Please know that nothing is wrong with you. Your body is going through the grieving stages of death. Your body is almost like in a shock situation at the present. You may feel fine one day and the next day or minute you feel angry or sad or just proably want to cuss everybody out and tell them off. It's okay. Just make sure you take care of yourself and have people that you can talk to. We do not understand why people do the things they do, but it is not your fault. You do not know and maybe you do or others may know (you don't know right now) what your uncle may have been dealing with in his past. Sometimes people do not tell us what is going on in their hearts or minds. My father committed suicide when I was 15 years old. He took a gun and shot himself in my presence. And my guilt that I carried for over 40 years was "Why didn't I stop him." "Why did I not knock on the backyard window and stop him." But it was not my call. It was not for me to stop him. He was a severe alcoholic and I was 15. I carried that guilt until my relationship with God was more stable and I could understand death more on a stable level. We will never understand everything about death and why people do what they do, but one thing we must do for ourself is to take care of ourself. If you need to cry, then you cry, it's normal. If you need to vent then do it in a respectful way. When my mother died next, I carried more guilt. I felt like it was my fault and I was in my 40's. But because of my relationship with God and talking to Him that's what made me realize I could not stay in a guilt-ridden stage like I had for five years. Once I let go and let God heal me, the healing process began. Before that, I cried every morning and night for five years. I ran to my mother's grave every weekend and by the time I left the graveyard my spirit was so drained and I was tired. It was not until I realized that life is not suppose to be like this. I am not suppose to be feeling this way. So I told myself and God that it was going to be the last time I would keep running to my mother's grave site every weekend. I had to leave my mother at the gravesite and move on with life. Our relatives who have gone on their spirits have moved on and it is just their empty shell in the grave. So keep the faith and I will chat with you later.
I find myself drinking a lot. I don't like beer, but I find I cant get enough of it. I needed a drink one night and a close friend suggested I try this sparkling wine, before my husband could say anything I finished off the whole bottle, by myself. I bought a bottle of liquor and within 2 days it was gone. My drinking has doubled within the last month. In all honesty I have to admit, in order to try and stop my mind, I have tried "smoking". Because of my job I shouldn't, but for some reason it is the only way I can shut off my brain long enough to go to sleep. I think I am going to go see a doctor. I cant take these feelings anymore!