Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by melissa on August 1, 2010 at 12:02am

I'm sorry about your husband, My brother hung himself last August. We will always want to know why. Everyday I think about him, it hurts and makes me mad. The thing is that we lost our mom to cancer in May of last year just 2 days before her birthday and mothers day. Then 3 months later he did that.
for along time he always came to me when things weren't going the way he like and I could always make it better, so I couldn't understand why he didn't call me and talk. The pain is always there with me too. My prayers are with you and your family.

Permalink Reply by Linda Brown on August 1, 2010 at 12:46am

Hi Kaye,
I am new to this sight but I have alot in common with you. A little over four years ago, my ex-husband committed suicide similar to yours. We had been married for almost 25 years. Many of the years were filled with drug and alcohol abuse with a little physical abuse and lots of mental abuse. Each bad thing we would get through would be followed by a worse thing. After all those years and the kids were all grown, I decided to divorce. He had a new addiction of pain pills. I could not handle any more addictions. I fought to keep the marriage together for all those years and still with the divorce, I loved him dearly. He was a good man with bad tendencies. He supported our family financially and that was the extent of it. He fely guilt about his bad choices and would always try to make up for them by buying the kids and I gifts or trips. He had good intentions but no will power to sustain the "normal" life we all wanted. (I hope you haven't fallen asleep!) Long story short, he fought the divorce and did everything he could to stall it. My mental status could not turn back anymore for the disappointments so I went through with the divorce. Strange as it sounds, we were still in contact after, to look at possibilities of one day reuniting if he did what he needed to do to find the source of his self-destructive ways. I have to tell you that the real breaker for me was when he made too many infidelities I refused to look past.
After the divorce he moved around alot, sold our family home bought another. Sold that. All the while squandering any money he should save, on drugs and things. He ended up living in a small trailer in the yard at a good friend of ours house.

My husband and I tried to make a connection after the divorce, though it was difficult because I was determined to keep the boundaries drawn for what I would deal with. I personally was never going to date or remarry or even think of it-he was my one and only. He was still playing with my emotions and I finally came to the point that i had to cut off all communication with him for my self-to survive. Two months after I broke off communication he called my job and asked if we could get a cup of coffee and talk. I refused. He tried the "I have something important to talk to you about" story. This he had used hundreds of times in our rough spots.
A week after that phone call he made to me, the mutual friend, who's house he was staying at called to say they hadnt heard from him for a week and didnt know what to do. I explained maybe he was at one of his girlfriends and asked if he had checked the trailer? He said the door was locked and there was no answer when they knocked. I told them to contact a family member, he was close with, to break-in the trailer to see if they could figure out why he took off. A few days later I got the call at work that he had been found. In the trailer-He had hung himself, with a picture of me in his hand and no note or message for anyone.
I have gone through much pain from the loss, asking why, what if I had gone to talk-would he still be here? Could I have stopped him. Why didnt he leave a note to explain. I went to counseling but got no relief. I went into a very long and debilitating depression. I lost a long time job and have had a few since but I am not the same. THAT WAS MY BIGGEST MISTAKE! I let his death take me down. It has been four years + now. I am finally on the way back to being alive. I can tell you this, you will hurt, you will feel empty, you will have unanswered questions, but you can make it. I finally had to let him and the whole unexpected ending Go. I have become a recluse and pushed family and friends away and am now trying to reconnect--PLEASE do not do this! Keep going through the motions of life even when you feel nothing-because eventually you will. The most important thing I can tell you is this-I am a Christian and I totally lost my faith at this time. I should have held on tighter and I suggest this for you too. What ever your religion-if you have any-remember your faith in your higher power-whatever it may be.
Finally, when does the pain go away? I cant say it doesnt hurt as bad but not for as long at times. I still cry at certain places that remind me of him or by our youngest son, who laughs and acts just like his father. I can say this-hold on-but dont do it alone! Keep friends and family near and keep doing things even when you dont feel like it! Good luck to you!

Permalink Reply by SUE on August 2, 2010 at 10:32am

Find another councellor Kaye, dont give up till you get the right one. Im sorry you have reason to be here but real glad you found us.
Deep breathes ..
(Hugs)

Permalink Reply by Tanja Hendrickson on August 3, 2010 at 5:38pm

I'm so sorry. But, please don't give up on counseling. Go to someone that specializes in grief counseling.
I did after my best friend left and it quite literally saved my life. I learned so much about coping with it. We will never "get over" it. But, we can certainly get through it. This is the worst pain. I know.
I've heard and noticed that it does sometimes get worse not better with time. I believe that the reason is because you are in a sense "numb" for a long time. I think that NOW the healing can begin. I walked around in a fog for months, but, now it is a few years past and it hurts sometimes but not EVERY time I think of her sometimes I even smile when I have a memory of her. It's a good thing that you have found support here. Have you signed up for any support groups in your area? They help too.

Permalink Reply by Brenda Jean Friddle on August 11, 2010 at 12:49pm

Kaye, it has only been 4 months for me since I lost my husband. He shot himself on our wedding night, in his woodshop. The pain still has not gone away. John was always my plan B. He worked at Insight for 25 years, since we were 17. Whenever I saw a Insight truck , I would look to see if it was him, whenever I drove by Insight I would look at the parking lot hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Now I have nothing to look forward to. I am also seeing a therapist. he is alright. He is trying to push me to box up John's shoes and clothes. I wear his clothes or some article of clothing every day. I wear his jewelry. He loved sterling silver. So the pain has not gotten better for me. I feel the same as I did that night. He made my dream of 25 years come true and we were so happy. I never thought he would try suicide with me. This was his 4th and final attempt at suicide over the years. It was the first time he used a gun. I am sorry I was not much help for you, but if we can confide in each other, it might help ease the pain a little bit.

Permalink Reply by Kaye on August 11, 2010 at 12:59pm

My husband drove a semi-truck for 25 years and even after 8 1/2 month of him being gone, I still look at every red Peterbilt that goes by me. I still miss him so much. His cowboy boots are still where he left them and his jeans and western shirts are still hanging in the closet. I sleep with his favorite shirt. i don't think I will ever not miss him.

Brenda Jean Friddle said:

Kaye, it has only been 4 months for me since I lost my husband. He shot himself on our wedding night, in his woodshop. The pain still has not gone away. John was always my plan B. He worked at Insight for 25 years, since we were 17. Whenever I saw a Insight truck , I would look to see if it was him, whenever I drove by Insight I would look at the parking lot hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Now I have nothing to look forward to. I am also seeing a therapist. he is alright. He is trying to push me to box up John's shoes and clothes. I wear his clothes or some article of clothing every day. I wear his jewelry. He loved sterling silver. So the pain has not gotten better for me. I feel the same as I did that night. He made my dream of 25 years come true and we were so happy. I never thought he would try suicide with me. This was his 4th and final attempt at suicide over the years. It was the first time he used a gun. I am sorry I was not much help for you, but if we can confide in each other, it might help ease the pain a little bit.

Permalink Reply by gerard on August 15, 2010 at 11:01am

lost my timmy to hanging labor day 2009, this is the first time i am writing here.i knoiw what you mean about getting worse i was there too but it does get better like the people say.just hold on it will get better although some times i dont think it has it really has.my little boy died of a broken heart at 29 and i have to live with that. Thank god i have a little girl of 27,so we go on. thank you to all the people on here and and so sorry for your loss Gerard

Permalink Reply by BARBARA K. FELLER on August 26, 2010 at 7:45pm

believe me I KNOW SO WELL what you're experiencing. It's awful, heart wrenching. My husband hung himself on back of bathroom door. We'd just seen each other less than 40 minutes before. I've been through so much in my lifetime it's not even funny. Before meeting my hubby-Stuart Feller, at our job at SSA-we both worked there, I've survived a mother that emotionally neglected me/abusive. She never should have had any children. She drove me so crazy growing up. I've got a genius i.q. and figured out around 7-8 y.o. that I'd never be able to get her to sit down and talk to me-one on one. She's got her own problems...whatever! I tried for yrs. She drove my dad nuts too. He used to talk to me b.c. he couldn't talk to her...god knows we both tried. I moved out on my own age 19 & if I could've forseen the future w/both of them, I would never have even gone back for a visit. She's childlike, immature, needy and a big cry baby. For yrs I hated to cry & it was difficult for me to demonstrate affection w/certain people. She used to 'grab me' and squeeze me.

I met my fiance' Steve Arnold Jaubert, at church-1st assembly of God in Kenner, La. We dated/lived together 2 yrs., got engaged. I'd always wanted to live out west in Ca/Az/Nevada, etc. I tried for almost a yr to get transferred to SSA offices in Cal-had out 200 transfer requests in..nothing. Not b.c. of steve but I was a career employee. I left, withdrew my retirement funds of $6600 in 1985 and we started driving to Cal......long story---not a good ending. I asked him if he wanted to keep a 2nd alarm clock and he started hitting me. I thought to myself, "What the freak is wrong with YOU?" I didn't do anything. He abused me physically, mentally, emotionally & almost killed me 11 times. 1 time he almost succeeded. He was strangling me and I was going unconscious. I was saved by an angel---I kid u not. The desert was dead quite-no wind/no sound/no animals---dead calm. I called out 'Jesus, help me please!" Steve said, "U better pray to your f''''ng Jesus because I'm you're worst nightmare. I'm going to kill u, cut u up in tiny pieces and no one will ever find u." When I called out Steve was picked up off of me-thrown up in the air about 10 feet high and 30 ft away from me. He'd never backed off b.f. He was in shock. Anyway, I survived that.
I went to therapy-group for abused women and individual therapy. I went about 2 1/2 months-my therapist Carmen, was great. I've always been into tough love not dysfunctional and live in "Realty Ville'. I addressed everything that ever happened to me re:my mother, my family, Steve and abusive stuff etc. Carmen said, "You've tried everything w/your mother and nothing has worked. My advice to you is to have little if no contact with her. U don't need any more therapy unless u think u do or u want to discuss anything else we haven't touched on. U are the most functional person I've ever met. U face things head on and deal with everything in a realistic manner."
My dad was great growing up and we were very close. He used to tell me how unhappy he was w/my mother and he knew he made a mistake staying married to her after he came back from WWII-after he was back about 6 wks. I told him, "Why are you staying w/her? Divorce her, give her the house, and come and live w/me in the house I rent. U r a good looking man, smart, attractive, funny, kind and loving. U have a good job & can find some nice ladies to date and have relationships with. U can eventually marry again if u want to. Or not" But he was worried-low self esteem after yrs of being with her beat him down. After he retired from Southern RR-now Norfolk Southern RR as traffic manager in NOLA-my home town, he degenerated and became a full blown, violent, hateful, mean and vicious alcoholic. My mother never faces anything personal. She can't stand criticism and acts like 'if I don't recognize this or face this and act like everything's ok then it is ok." HUH? I don't get that at all.

When I left Steve I was on the verge of mentally losing it-totally. I had a 4 hr microbiology class & lab/combined and to this day only remember 10 minutes of entire class/lab. I gave him everything I owned-all my worldly goods-I left w/backpack & a change of clothes & personal important documents-college papers, b/c. I gave him my brand new rebuilt vw beetle--now worth $16,000. He still stalked me after everything and called me. I had to move back into 'crazy house' w/both dysfunctional crazy parents-mother nuts and father alcoholic. He tried to kill me one night when he was drunk. Came after me w/16" carving knife b.c. I told my mother 'I disagree w/you." He held it to my throat. I was terrified but refused to show that to him. I told him 'get that knife away from me or it will be the last thing u ever do, old man." felt like Scarlett in GWTW movie.
Anyway, I made Carmen laugh so hard. I told her, 'My mother could make Jesus become an alcoholic.'
That was over.
I got reinstated w/SSA as I was a career person. There'd been a hiring freeze on rt after I left in 1985. I got reinstated in 1988 and transferred to Ft Laud as that is where job was. Worked in 3 sick fed'l bldgs which destroyed my hlth. full of mold/mildew. I retired early. I used to be on 35-45 rx's per month. I had soooo many hlth problems. Almost died from Oxycontin reaction-10 1/2 days in hosp. and so many other things.


more later. I will contact u later tonight or tomorrow. If u want to talk or need me to listen to help u through all of t his I will if u promise that you aren't crazy. my hm ph 601 823 -9019 and cell 601 321 4261. I know it's awful but it will get better...it's an ongoing process towards healing. I'm still dealing with it. I lost my favorite brother Dan 7 months after STui'e's suicide dropped dead in perfect hlth age 59 y.o. ht attck in his sleep the only decent bro of 3 that I have. The other 2 are mean, hateful and my mother I have no feelings for. I've tried Dan died 07-16-08 and my dad dropped dead 1 wk later 07-23-08. I lost my condo to foreclosre.
I had gastric bypass 05-29-07 Stuie had to be put in mental hosp for 2 days as he was losing it...more later...love barb feller

Permalink Reply by lianne on September 14, 2010 at 9:25pm

hello kaye
my name is lianne. my husband shot himself when i was 28 and at that time i had two small children aged 6 and 8. men with drug and other problems never seem to ask for help my husband had to the same problems and they dont think of the effect it will have on their families when they are gone as we see past their problems and still love them no matter what. i have just lost my son at the age of 22 he hung himself at my back door. i am now 44 and would never have dreamed that my only son would die the same way his father did. the hurt will never stop and the questions you have will always be there and no one will ever know how you really feel other than you. we all feel very similiar but not the same. counselling is a weird thing as they always seem to want to ask about our child hoods i think that is rather impersonal and really not valid. i have been many times but i also think unless they have experienced the same thing why really dont know how we feel. i now suffer from post tramatic stress. i have very very low days and then some days just feel ok. i will never be happy again and i dont see anything good, but i wont give in either. i decided to see how much pain they were in before they left me. i found both of them i dream my son who has only been gone 7 months i miss him with every breathe i take my heart is empty and i am destroyed but i am still happy to wake up and no that i am a good person and that i love my family no matter what. i hope you start to understand how you feel and that it is ok to feel everything. some of those feelings will be good one day different the next day . you will work out how to cope when the time is right for you. i am not perfect and i still feel angry at my husband and it has been many years now and i still ask why did he leave me when we had 2 little people we both loved but to lose 2 people is hard to accept. i have questioned being here myself and i will not let this emptiness over ride the love that i have for life and the fact i still have a daughter who still needs her mum. we are very very strong women. take your time and understand how you feel no matter how many times you may change your mind or feelings. there is light at the end of the tunnel i really believe that ....

Permalink Reply by Carla on September 17, 2010 at 5:18pm

I agree, Kaye, with some others who have posted here - find another counselor. If you are a person of faith, find someone who also has a faith perspective. My grief counselor is also a Quaker minister - I am not Quaker but having someone who talks about hope and life is sanity. I don't think I could have made it this far without her help and guidance. We meet every week. Our youngest son has been gone just 9 months. - Like you, no note, no warning. I spoke to him on the phone and he was fine and a few hours later he was gone. The pain rips me apart, but I am living one day at a time. The sorrow is everlasting as long as live on this earth, but I have to believe there is more..............

Permalink Reply by Carla on September 17, 2010 at 5:18pm

I agree, Kaye, with some others who have posted here - find another counselor. If you are a person of faith, find someone who also has a faith perspective. My grief counselor is also a Quaker minister - I am not Quaker but having someone who talks about hope and life is sanity. I don't think I could have made it this far without her help and guidance. We meet every week. Our youngest son has been gone just 9 months. - Like you, no note, no warning. I spoke to him on the phone and he was fine and a few hours later he was gone. The pain rips me apart, but I am living one day at a time. The sorrow is everlasting as long as I live on this earth, but I have to believe there is more..............