Hi,

I dont know how to begin this, or really why i am here. My father committed sucide many years ago, back when I was 7, Im not 32. I thought i had always delt with it very well. I only remember seeing him once, and thats when he was lying in his casket at his wake. I got introduced to a whole new family that now I dont know what i would do with out. Last year on mothers day, my 18 year old cousin, took his life. All those unresolved issues I had over my father, came back full force. I tried to be strong for all the family esp his mom and dad, I felt bad cause i felt sorry for them cause i know the greif and pain among the questions they are going to have for the rest of their lives. My Grandfather only had something to do with me for a few years after my father passed. The family keeps making up excuses on why he dont. Hes got 3 great and wonderful great-grand kids that he has only ever said one word to. In many ways I hold resentment to alot of my fathers side of the family, cause they have the memories of him and I dont. How do you over come something like that. As much as I love my grandfather, I have to say I hate him too. I know this has to be hard for him, just as it is for me, but how did my fathers only child get not only get left by someone who died, as well as someone whom is still alive. Not only do I feel like my father abandoned me, but also my grandfather. I dont understand. I guess I am just trying to make sense of it all and non of the family will talk to me about it. I kind of feel like an out sider in my own family. I dont know how to fix what I am feeling. 

Thank you all for listening. I guess my biggest problem, is everyone has gotten to grieve for my father, except me. Or thats the way i feel. 

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Latisha,

   I am so sorry you are suffering.  You were so young when your father took his life; you probably find it even harder to sort it all out.  I am not a doctor nor am I a physiologist and I don’t have any magical take the pain away “cures” for your agony.  But I am 61 years old and I can speak from this experience.

   I wish that your father’s family would talk to you and help you with this but it is my guess that they can’t find answers either.  That may be why they avoid the subject and you.  When there is a suicide, the human tenancy is to look for answers.  The problem here is that suicide is not necessarily a rational act but an act of desiration.  Adding to your dilemma is the fact that you were only 7 years old and most likely, do not totally know what has affecting your father’s life.

   Have you given thought to the possibility that your father’s death was a protection from whatever your father was carrying?  He didn’t want you to know – he surly did not want YOU to carry his burden also? --“Each way to suicide is its own: intensely private, unknowable, and terrible.”—Kay Redfield Jamison, psychiatrist.  Maybe, if you can, the past is best left there, in the past.

   Just want you to know that I will listen with an open heart and be here for you. . .  If I could just remove the hurt from your heart I WOULD, however, that is not possible.  May be we can look to the future, things to look forward to and in that future find a way to leave the weight of the past behind.  I hope that you can find a way to bundle the joys of the past and future and carry those memories as your “baggage”.  Christ bore many terrible things because he looked to the future joy and maybe we can too. 

 

(Hebrews 12:2, 3) “For the joy that was set before him he endured a torture stake, despising shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Indeed, consider closely the one who has endured such contrary talk by sinners against their own interests, that YOU may not get tired and give out in YOUR souls.”

 

What are your thoughts?

 

Brenda

Brenda,

thanks for your words. they do make sense. I know my father was trying to protect me. At first I didnt, but my mothers sister has told me alot of things others would not. I deal with everything really well for the most part but it took me until after I had kids to get to that point. I have my days, and over the last few weeks I have had more bad days then I have had in many years. I guess cause I am so much different than most of my fathers family, I stay confused on why his father acts like he does to me and my children. I know it may sound selfish, but the other night after I wrote the first post, I decided that I believe its time for me to let my grandfather know how this all as affected me. It may not be the best thing to do, but I feel i need to do it for closure. I think I deserve closure not only for my self, but also my husband and my kids. I know my father will forever live on in the lives of my and my family, including my kids (2 of them are him made over). My best friend since high school has been my rock, she listens and gives me an outside outlook on most things, but then i always seem to second guess what she tells me. I guess thats why I sought out a group where others knew what i was going through. I try to look toward the future and I have let go of the anger at my father for what he did. I dont totally understand it, and I know I never will, but I some how have to find away to step forward and remember him in a good way instead of saying or asking why and what if! 

We had another scare in the family yesterday, my uncle whose son took his life on mothers day last year, got rushed in for emergency surgery last night. I felt bad cause I prayed that he would be ok, simply for the fact that I dont think the family could handle more bad news. Found out this morning that is he going to be ok, then I realized that I was selfish in asking GOD to spare us from any more hurt at this point. Many of the family is still grieving over my cousin. 

My husband has been more than supportive over all this time, without him and my kids, I really dont know how I would deal with alot of things that happens. My grandfather has only met my kids once, and if it was not for my husband, he probably would not have met them then. He knew that if anything was to happen to my grandfather, that I would regret not introducing them to him. I have told my grandfather, that he could see them when he wanted, but I would not allow him to hurt them like he has hurt me. That was 2 years ago, and he has not seen them since. My aunt tells me that its because all 4 if us reminds them of my father. I think it might be a little easier if I was not his only child. 

Im trying so hard to let go of the "baggage", and I know my father would be proud of me and my kids. One day at a time, I just never thought that it would take 20 plus years to deal with everything, esp for someone you only seen once. 

thanks again for listening!

Latisha 

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