Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Barbara A. on December 7, 2010 at 11:37am

So sorry for your loss...Your doing it, TALKING about it helps. Finding some help in others words that write to you. You may not agree w/ everyone & thats ok. Just take what you like & leave the rest. We are all in hear to find some comfort. Writing to you helps me. Thank you, Take care & big hug to you, Also in pain, Barb

Permalink Reply by mpott on December 19, 2010 at 7:14pm

It was a year July 14th that I lost my brother.  It gets where you can handle day to day a little easier.  It is so hard watching my parents and I wish I could help them out more.  I miss my brother so much and there aren't alot of people who understand.  The holidays are always harder!!

Permalink Reply by Teresa on December 21, 2010 at 6:10pm

My brother killed himself Nov 5th 1996 and then December 11th 2009, my son committed suicide. I don't have any great words of wisdom, but when my brother died, I found a website similar to this one and it helped a lot. I found those like me, and who were having the same feelings I was having. This time, I have found support through other mothers around me that have lost their children. I know the pain is great and unbearable at times, but it's good to share it someplace or someone that you trust. You might even consider a journal. This helped with my brother, but it doesn't seem to help with my sons loss right now, so I'm searching other ways for comfort. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers

Permalink Reply by Gary Williams on December 21, 2010 at 10:28pm

So sorry Isabel, I lost my Charlie on 4th of July this year, Dec 1st would have been his 24th birthday. I have written on here to people to take one day at a time, and if a day is too much to bear, try just dealing with an hour at a time at first.  Others have also said it will get better, so don't try to rush it, but when you think of him, think of his smile, and the really good times there were with him.  It's not easy but the more you try to redirect your thoughts to a good memory, the easier it gets.  The time will come when you can think of him and smile, don't worry, we don't all feel the same when we grieve. We blame ourself, others, God, anyone...this is natural.  Get angry at God, cause He can handle it, and if you go to Him with this He will help you! Maybe not in your time schedule, but in His.  Our pastor said that someone who has gone to Heaven will be there waiting for us to reunite when our time comes, they are there with all the other Angels.  Hope you find peace soon and keep coming here, as someone on this page said, take what you want to believe and leave the rest, coming here helps! Peace.

Permalink Reply by Isabel Vargas on December 22, 2010 at 11:44pm

Thanks everybody, I really appreciate everything you have told me. And yes I know talking about it helps, but somedays it seems like nothing helps, but Im trying to take it day by day. Im actually feeling kind of bad right now for the reason that Christmas is coming and I will not have my brother with me and that makes me feel very sad. I also feel bad because my mom and dad are feeling terrible and that makes feel depressed because I dont like to see them like that. Especially my dad because he was the one that found my brother. So if somebody can give me some advice in what way  I can help my parents???

Permalink Reply by mpott on December 31, 2010 at 8:06pm

I haven't found anything to help my parents.  I was the one who had to tell them the day my brother killed himself and my dad had a heart attack one month later.  Just being there for your parents and letting them talk when they need to seems to help.  It is hard to listen to them talk and see their pain but just knowing I am there for my parents seems to help them some.  The "firsts" of everything are always the hardest.  This is our 2nd Thanksgiving and Christmas without my brother and it is a little eaiser (not lots though).  Just reminding your parents they still have a reason to live seems to have helped a little too.  Hang in there, I wish I could help with better advice!!

Permalink Reply by Katerina Roussou on January 6, 2011 at 1:19am

Dear Isabel hi!

My name is Catherine. My son took his life three years ago. He was 37. My husband found him. It has been a very difficult journey through the wilderness of grief for all our family. We grieve because we loved him and we still do. I do not have great words of wisdom but I can share what helped us. 

Each person grieves differently. I had to accept that. Sometimes this creates friction for those left behind because we expect the others to comfort us, but they cannot because they are grieving too. What helped me are the following.

1. Accepting God's unconditional love for me and my son.

2. I designated a certain day and time for grieving, for example Saturday afternoon. When I became overwhelmed with grief, I would tell myself, "not now.. On Saturday...".

3. I keep a journal and I write all my dreams about my son, poems to him, letters of love and how much I miss him and so on..

4. When the pain of grief comes like a big wave over me, seeking to drown me, I immediately think of what I have left. I choose to think of my 13 year old grandson and how wonderful and loving he is and what a great future he will have. That gives me hope.

5. In my son's memory I have chosen to visit people with mental health issues and comfort them and encourage them. I also give what I can to charities in his name. This is the hidden gift that grief has given me. I am more patient, compassionate and loving toward the hurting.

6. I learned to take care of myself, forgive myself for not saving my son, and accept that it was his choice and it is in the past. Deciding to do the best I can with what I have left in his memory honors him and I don't feel he died in vain.

I pray that my experience may help you and your family in some way. I am sorry for your pain, remember you are not alone and you are loved.

Isabel Vargas said:

Thanks everybody, I really appreciate everything you have told me. And yes I know talking about it helps, but somedays it seems like nothing helps, but Im trying to take it day by day. Im actually feeling kind of bad right now for the reason that Christmas is coming and I will not have my brother with me and that makes me feel very sad. I also feel bad because my mom and dad are feeling terrible and that makes feel depressed because I dont like to see them like that. Especially my dad because he was the one that found my brother. So if somebody can give me some advice in what way  I can help my parents???

Permalink Reply by Heather J. Crawford-Strout on January 9, 2011 at 3:15pm

Isabel...my brother Brent died on December 8, and I as I am sure you have heard, we...survivors are never going to be the same.  I have been reading alot so far and it looks like we will have to create a new identity...We are still here...quite alone sometimes but as they say at role call...here or present of body but not mind for me yet. I too am like an empty shell...anger, fear, rage and unbearable pain seem to be breakfast, lunch and dinner...ache.  Your not alone.