feeling so alone and hurting

My dear beloved husband of 27 years old, committed suicide in front of me, a month and a half ago, leaving me a young widow at 32.. One month before our baby girl was due. I had our beautiful daughter 3 weeks ago. I hate every minute of my life right now. I feel so horrible and depressed. I feel guilty for feeling that way, but that's the way I feel. My life of course is no longer the same. I have no idea what to do with myself or my life. Including not knowing where I want to live and work. (I am taking time off right now from teaching to be with my baby.) He of course was my best friend and the love of my life. I can't imagine my life without him:it feels so void and empty. It's so weird how life just goes on for everyone else when someone close to you dies. I am not joyous like I should be about the baby. I love her, she is really cute, but it's not what I was supposed to be feeling right now(super happy). I feel a bit disconnected from her and just really sad about my husband. I'm staying with my family right now, but at times I question that decision. If I go back to the city where my husband and I lived and worked, I get really sad..I have so many memories there. I don't even want to work at my same job anymore(I was already unhappy there and in that city, too). I feel like crying all the time. And it's weird that I feel an urge to date, even. I had tried to stop him and I couldn't, and I even reached out to so many people the day and night before, and tried to change the situation, even that morning, and so many people failed us. I'm in disbelief that it ended up turning into such a horrible tragedy. I just can't believe that my life is such a mess right now. He had always promised he would never do such a thing: I hate myself for believing that. I wish I could take back all the events and moments that led up to his death, things beyond my control, but of course I can't. Someone please tell me that my life will get better, it's hard to believe right now. I feel sad even walking around by myself and going places. I can hardly stand it. I'd like to tell more about what happened, but not right now. We were together 3 and a half years, married for 1 and a half, yet it feels like it was only half that amount of time. It's so weird, but it also feels like time has sped up for me ever since he died. Time goes by so fast for me right now. I regret not knowing what to say to him in his last moments, to stop him. I was just speechless. Thanks for reading. It means a lot. He was bipolar and not properly treated, and actually in a delusional state at the time he died: he thought he was protecting me and my baby by taking his life! Which makes me feel so awful.

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Permalink Reply by Patti Wilson on September 18, 2012 at 9:01pm

Kristen, I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you will get through this pain, it never completely goes away but it does get bearable, I promise. The guilt is so very heavy on your heart and I pray for you to let it go, you are not to blame, you are a strong lady that has so very much to live for, grieve but give yourself a break and see that you do have blessings, enjoy your daughter, you and she deserve happiness. It took me a couple of years after my ex-boyfriend took his life to realize that it was his decision, his responsibility, not mine to live or end his life. It helps to connect with other people sharing the same loss, I wish the very best for you and your baby girl, I have 4 grown daughters if you ever need advice :) The trials we face builds our perserverance. Have faith that the clouds will clear and the sun will shine again. I see guilt as a demon trying to pull us down, don't let it win, God loves you and wants you happy and healthy after your grieving. Don't beat yourself up for being sad, you will make it through the darkness, know in your heart that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. My heart goes out to you and I said a prayer for you, God bless you, Patti

Permalink Reply by Theresa Sweaney on October 18, 2012 at 4:44pm

You have many heavy things to work through, Kristen, but I assure you it will get easier for you over time. I lost my son, but I imagine losing a life's partner is entirely disorienting, like you have lost half of yourself? I can tell you that the first months, even years (1-2) are terribly confused and painful, but when the dust settles and we regain our bearings, it becomes easier to re-engage with our lives and even experience joy of living again. Give yourself time, and know that there is hope for a happy life again. Get lots of supports from everywhere you can. When you feel like isolating, try to do the opposite and put yourself with situations with people you feel safe with so you don't fall prey to deep depression. I go to suicide survivors grief recovery support groups and have developed some new friendships there that are strengthening to me. Take good care, and hold onto hope. Love and hugs to you.

Permalink Reply by Edward Casey on December 13, 2012 at 1:29pm

Hello Kristen,

I don't know if you have revisited this thread. It has been a long time since I was last on this site. I read your story and want you to know that my heart also goes out to you. I just wanted to let you know that you will heal from this pain. You will feel joy again. You will be the happy person that you are. In time. I hope you don't reject the idea that you will heal. It seems impossible to ever feel better, but time does allow us to heal if we let it. I hope you will allow the process to continue continue so you will feel joy in life once again.

Permalink Reply by Anne Keazer on January 31, 2013 at 6:38pm

Hello Kristen, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my second husband to pancreatic cancer when I was 40. We had two children together and I had one from a previous marriage. If it wasn't for my kids I would not have had the strength to go on. I remember how I hurt so bad I almost had to remind myself to breath. It took a while but if you just stay in the business of life you start to get on a more even keel. I remarried two years later. This January 5, in a house full of friends and family my husband took his life in our bedroom. It has been the most horrifying thing I have ever had to live through. I know one thing for sure, you can't stop living, breathing, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, paying bills. You can't quite living. You have a wonderful gift of a child. It may not seem like it right now, you are so burdened by your grief and now a newborn, but in time you will see. Please know even though I don't know you I will pray for you. Also, if all the living is just too much then just breath. Hold the baby and breath.

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