December 15th marks the sixth year since my son Troy took his last breath. Troy was the second child our family lost. Yesterday was the 27th birthday of my step daughter who was electrocuted in a horrible accident in 2000. While time may help the pain's intensity , nothing really makes it go away. My surviving children have faced the struggle of unanswered questions. My husband is unable to even discuss his pain. I have gone through years of "what if" and "why", its hard to explain to people that my son hadn't slept in weeks, became psychotic and then took mushrooms and never came down. He was certainly scared his mind would never be "normal" again and made a horrible choice. Its hard when people say they don't understand because Troy was always happy and they can't imagine he would ever do something like that, none of understand. I hate the holidays now, I already feel the pressure to pretend that two of the stockings on the mantle don't hang empty.