December 15th marks the sixth year since my son Troy took his last breath. Troy was the second child our family lost. Yesterday was the 27th birthday of my step daughter who was electrocuted in a horrible accident in 2000. While time may help the pain's intensity , nothing really makes it go away. My surviving children have faced the struggle of unanswered questions. My husband is unable to even discuss his pain. I have gone through years of "what if" and "why", its hard to explain to people that my son hadn't slept in weeks, became psychotic and then took mushrooms and never came down. He was certainly scared his mind would never be "normal" again and made a horrible choice. Its hard when people say they don't understand because Troy was always happy and they can't imagine he would ever do something like that, none of understand. I hate the holidays now, I already feel the pressure to pretend that two of the stockings on the mantle don't hang empty. 

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I am so sorry for your losses. This is my first year going through the holiday season. My brother took his life in February. I am dreading the holidays. Normally I make a ton of cookies which get sent out to our friends and family as gifts. I cannot even think about doing it this year, it just feels like a chore. Hopefully everyone will understand.
I made carmels every year, Troys favorite, in fact I was at the store getting ingredients when I got the call he did not show up for dinner with his girlfriend, it took me three years to make them again. The first Christmas without him was just going through motions.
Christmas has always been my absolute favorite time of the year !!! I love the snow the warm fires and and gathering with my family .. But this year has to be the absolute worst! I'm trying to put myself in the holiday spirit.. I thought the holidays would be fine since my sister wasn't a big holiday fan ( at all)!!!usually I spent from november to January trying to get her excited .. Now she is not here annoying me and me pestering her about Christmas eve with the almost daily phone call saying you are going to be there right ! Tanya what time will u be at missi's .. Those phone calls always irritated ! So why am I writing this with a lump in my throat and chills ??.. I miss her soooooo much !!! I just want everything to be normal again .because this new normal really sucks!!!


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