My husband DJ committed suicide in October 2013, by hanging himself outside behind our house while our 2 year old daughter and I was inside. I'm the one that found him about 45-50 minutes before our 17 year old son was going to be home from school. DJ told me a few weeks before this that he had been hearing "voices" in his head and that this had been going on since he was young. He use to make jokes about the "little voices in his head" ever since i met him 19 years ago but so did all of our friends. I nor anybody else ever thought he was actually being serious because he would always laugh about it . He had never told anybody not even his parents or his sisters about this problem he had.Back in July he heard some bad news about a family member, and that's when things got worse. He changed so bad he wasn't himself a lot,like he was a complete stranger that was mean, I didn't know what had made him get like this until like I said a few weeks before he took his life, and as soon as he told me what was happening inside his head I started pleading with him to go get some help , that the Doctor could help him with this. He kept refusing, I didn't know what else to do because he was the type if you try to force him into something like talking to someone or even going to the doctors he would clam up and put that wall up. That day he woke up and he seemed happy and was laughing playing with the baby and joking with me, even wanted all of us to go fishing after our son got home. It was a good morning, then about noon, he changed, accusing me of saying things that I wasn't, which caused us to fight. I told him that he needed to leave, that he needed to get away from me for a while instead he laid down on the sofa with the baby. A few mins. later he got up gave the baby a hug and kiss and told her that he loved her and walked out the back door. I don know how long exactly it was that I decided to go outside to see if he had really left or was just sitting out there, when I saw him haning from my old cast iron school like swing set that my parents had cemented in the ground when they moved into this house before I was born. I screamed and ran to him yelling for someone to help me and calling 911, still screaming for someone to please help me, not knowing that our baby girl was in our bedroom window seeing and hearing everything, me trying to get him down and yelling for help and paramedics working on him and sheriffs everywhere, until one of the sheriffs told me to go be with my baby. That's when I saw her crying in the bedroom window. She saw her daddy hanging there behind our house and wanting him, I told her that her daddy died and went to Heaven to be with God and now he is her Angel and will always be with her. Even though she is 2 years old, she is a very smart little girl and I didn't know what else to tell her. She still wont go to the back of the house inside where my bedroom and bathroom is without someone going with her because she is scared. Our neighbor went and got my son from school and told him what happened, my son was very angry at his dad for doing this. As far as I know of he still hasn't cried, and will not talk to me about that day or hardly anything about his dad, even though I try bringing up conversations about DJ. my son turned 18 years old 25 days after his dad's death! As far as myself goes, I feel like DJ took me with him ! I feel numb and dead inside but I'm also very angry at him for leaving his kids and me like this!!! I cry a lot but try to hide it when the kids are around, even though my son sees it. I CAN NOT get that image of the way DJ was when I found him out of my head!!! I don't sleep well because of that image and the nitemares, I still haven't went back to work because we worked at the same place, which means I don't hardly leave the house unless its very important, I don't hardly talk to any one any more because I got really tired and mad hearing "what he did was very selfish" and "How could he leave that baby girl"......I just want to scream " HE DIDN'T JUST LEAVE THIS BABY GIRL!!! HE LEFT ALL OF US!!!!!!" ! How can I be strong and help my kids deal with this when I can't deal with it and feel like a lost cause that if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't care if I ever got up out of bed or not! I know My Kids NEED me and I REALLY do NEED THEM, but I feel like I'm letting them down even more by not being able to help them through this loss ,since I couldn't help their Dad realize and get the help he needed?
I apologize for this being sooo long, but I would really appreciate any kind of feedback or anything to help me and my kids...
My Sincere Condolences to you and your family on the Loss of your Brother.
To answer your financial questions, no to the grandparents helping because his parents are disabled and live 4 hours North of us and my mom is 76 yrs old and lives 4 hours South of us. I did apply at our Social Services for help and we get $225.29 in food stamps and we were put on medicade. Social Security contacted me and both kids (until my son graduates in May) and I will draw $546.00 each off of him. Our town is some what small and our medical facilities are not all that good, let alone for therapists. I went to one at our clinic and she never asked any questions, never made any eye contact except for when we were introduced and as I was leaving, and that made me uncomfortable, so I told my Doctor that I would not go back to her. My Doctor introduced me to an outside therapist but this one doesn't take any kind of insurance or medicade, cash only and I can't afford that right now.We do have a Mental Health but most of them have paychecks and no experience except reading things out of books. The closest support group is 3-4 hours away but mainly for alcohol and drugs. I have been searching like crazy online for some kind of information or help or what ever I can get and up til now haven't found any that I could relate to or afford. I have always been a very independant person and it is and has been very hard for me to ask for any kind of help from any body. I know my kids are hurting deeply and my son and I are really affected by this because we are older and understand a little bit more on the Death of someone due to age, illness, car accidents, etc., more than my daughter does, But on A Death like this, I don't know for sure but have a very good idea, that my son like myself DOESN'T Understand At ALL !! There's so many questions that I have but know I will never have the answers to like, WHY did he fight so hard to hide his "problem" all those years from everyone and DIDN'T fight even Harder to get Help after he opened up and told me, knowing I would stand by his side like I have from the day I met him? Yes we had our share of problems through the years but no matter what those problems were, some worse than others, we dealt with them and kept our family together.He had my heart and soul no matter what!!! A couple of weeks after he died, I was going through his stuff and found his sketch pad that he used to draw in, and while looking through it , found a sketch that he did of him self dated in 2003, in this sketch it had a rope around his neck !! I cried and cred and cried .He always said that he wouldn't make it to the age of 40 and he didn't! I also found an SD card , he knew I would be the one to find it cause he erased everything on it except a few pics of the kids,and me and him , and a list of songs from different bands that he chose on purpose, because each one of these songs had lyrics in them talking about the things he had told me about his "problem" and the way he looked when I found him. All of that told me that he knew for years what he was going to do! which ANGERED me even More but also killed me inside even more.
I want to Thank You So Very Much for replying back
Would or could it be possible for me to talk to you privately? There are a few things you said
that I'm totally stunned over.
Will I ever get that image out of my head? It's very hard for me to talk to my family or friends about it because for 1, they really don't understand what or how I'm feeling or whats going on in my head. 2. Some of my family try to get me to stop talking about it, I guess they think if I don't talk about it , I won't get upset and cry more. Which in return makes me not want to talk to others. And 3. When I do try to talk to some, I feel like I'm bothering them and they don't really want to hear about it, so I just stop all together.
In our town there really isn't any good counseling let alone support groups. That's why I feel like I'm becoming an internet freak, trying to find some kind of help in understanding or ways to help my kid's and I cope with all of this.
I totally understand all the feelings you described because I feel all of those and anger too! There's some days I think I'm gonna be ok and be a good day and in the blink of an eye I'm crying and wanting to cuss him out for leaving us and at the same time wishing I could do anything to have him back. Not just for me but for my kids cause I can see the pain in my son's eyes and my baby girl always talks about her daddy, which tears me up inside. I don't know what to do or how to think any more.
My Sincere Condolences for you, your baby niece and your sister's fiance. I know how he is feeling and its Horrible!!!! I too blame my self for telling my husband to leave that day, thinking that if I hadn't of told him to leave, he would still be here. But after going through his stuff and finding those things , I'm starting to think that it was gonna happen no matter what . I hope I don't upset you by asking this question about your sister and if I do, I 'm really sorry , you don't have to answer.The question is when your sister had her "moments" withe the voices, did she change? What I mean by that is, did her facial expressions change, did she argue with people but seemed like she was arguing with someone else, then after her "moments " were over, act like nothing had ever happened? DJ did all that and accusing me and our son of things we had no idea of what he was talking about. One day he scared my boy so bad by fighting and accusing me of doing something that my son even started pleading with him to go get help, because I really wasn't there, I was here at the house. He was fighting the voice he said was mine. It was a very hard thing to go through! After he told me about the voices , I began watching him and being able to tell when he was having his "moments", and I would try to keep my distance until he was over it. It was really hard at work cuz we both worked at the same place and a couple of days the same shift.
I know he's not in any more pain, and I'm grateful for that but I'd give anything to have him back.
You dont know how much You and everyone else that has talked to me since I joined yesterday, has helped me..... I was actually able to sleep a little better last night, than I have in the last couple of months. I still had the image when I closed my eyes but I fell asleep quicker. I Thank You and I am very Glad I found this group,
My heart goes out to you, and your sister's family and if you ever need to talk , I will be here for you too.
I am so deeply sorry to hear of this terrible tragedy that you and your family are enduring. I cannot even begin to imagine what you must be feeling inside. The strength you have already displayed by continuing on and being there for your children is absolutely incredible. You made reference to a belief in God, so I would just like to share with you one scripture from the Bible that helped me during my darkest hours. It is in Psalms 34:18 which says-
"Jehovah is close to the brokenhearted,
He saves those who are crushed in spirit".
I appreciated two things about this scripture. First, the idea that God somehow leaves his normal dwelling place to actually be closer to you when you need him. Closer than others who are not enduring something as terrible as what you are going through. The second point I appreciate, is the difference between the words "broken" and "crushed". To illustrate, if you dropped a vase on the floor, it would be "broken", perhaps in several pieces, but it's possible that it could be reassembled and glued back together on our own. However, if you took that vase and put it in the middle of the highway and it was run over by an 18 wheeler, it would be "crushed" with no hope of piecing it back together on our own. Sometimes we can experience something painful that breaks our heart, but we can put ourselves back together. Other times we may experience something so terrible, such as what you are going through, where we absolutely cannot repair ourselves without the help of God. I would like to encourage you to lean on God to help you get through this terrible time, and please don't forget that we can pray to God everyday- all day long if needed. I hope this message can bring you some comfort, and you will be in my prayers.