I am living with the deapest guilt,and regret one could imagine

i left my husband ben,and two days later he shot himself in the head.I have deep sorrow,and guilt,because i feel like i caused,him to kill himself.I cared deeply for him,but didn't have the love a wife should have from a husband.He was a sweet ,kind,gentle soul,and i will forever miss him.Someone please tell me how do i get through this horrible guilt,and greif.I feel like everyone feels,as if i might of well have pulled the trigger for him.I regret,that i have caused his family,so much greif,and unimaginable pain.

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Permalink Reply by Shari Soklow on June 16, 2011 at 10:45pm

I also live with the DEEPEST GUILT! My beloved son Howie, shot himself in the head with my gun that my son talked me into purchasing! Can we be friends and possibly help each other?

Love & Hugs,

Shari

Permalink Reply by Halley Moore on June 16, 2011 at 11:12pm

Hi Shari, I am so glad to see that you are on here often. I have just spent the evening watching my fiance plant flowers while I read the letters my mom was writing before she passed. Your story is devastating, and I must say that I understand the gun dilemma. My mother also shot herself in the head. Things happened that I had never expected; I mean her personality was not to steal, and apparently she stole medications and a gun from the man she worked for (she was a caretaker). She used his gun to end it all. Once she passed, I found out that she had tried to committ suicide two other times (basically every 20 years or so). One way or another, she found a tool to try to do it, whether it be a gun or a razor blade. I don't know Shari, I was angry that a gun was available to her at all, but I believe she may have continued looking to find another way. If a gun isn't available at the time the person isin that horrible space, it certainly could save a life, but sometimes they are just plain determined to go to another place and leave us all behind. I decided that this world was just too painful for her to live in. However, there are soooo many thoughts that go through my head of things I shouldv'e or shouldn't have said or done. Oh gosh how I would change them if I could. But my grief therapist told me that many many things go into the recipe when one decides to commit suicide, and that it is NEVER just one factor. I am still very new, as you are, to trying to work my way through this. I am so very glad to know that you are there and that you understand. You sound like an amazingly good kind person that never deserved to have to suffer this way. I am just so sorry that you are suffering, but know that I am on the other end, and probably experiencing some of the very same things, and that somehow we will find strength and it will get better. One day at a time. I am online a lot and work mostly from home, so please feel free to communicate at any time and I would love to be your friend through this and stay connected. For today, we can just make a conscious decision to let go of the guilt and know that they are at peace now. With love and hugs to you too.

Halley :)

Shari Soklow said:

I also live with the DEEPEST GUILT! My beloved son Howie, shot himself in the head with my gun that my son talked me into purchasing! Can we be friends and possibly help each other?

Love & Hugs,

Shari

Permalink Reply by BellaPiccola on June 18, 2011 at 12:15am

Almost the exact same thing happened with my husband. I told him I had not made up my mind about what to do but I needed space and time to process what was going on. He developed delusional disorder over the last few years, he suppressed it for a long time and I never knew how bad it was since it sometimes wasn't directed my way and seemed quite reasonable.

He was in therapy but not even his therapists knew how bad it was - he was paranoid and I don't know if he ever told anyone the whole story... even he thought I was the enemy sometimes which hurts so much. I'm still so sad that he felt so alone, that this felt like his only option that he didn't understand how much I love him - that we could have fixed anything, anything but this.

It was a really bad rough patch... but everyone experiences these... then the words of some people who understand come back to me... that he didn't want to burden me with his problems - he was trying to protect me and just live a 'normal' life away from his disease by hiding it and suppressing it and believing he could overcome it alone - going off his medication 6 days before this happened.

You may feel alone and the grief is absolutely horrible... numbing... crushing. You are not alone. I am here, others are here.

I've had so many things told to me... some being that people who actually carry out suicide have been thinking about it for at least a year often as long as 10 years. That we may never know the whole story or the extent and duration of our loved one's suffering - often because trying to be the strong men they were - they were protecting us (which is the most upsetting thing to accept because I feel I could have done so much more if I had understood what was happening).

Finally, a very excellent trauma physician told me that in their minds they are not young anymore (my husband was 37) because of their long-lived agony and depression - they feel like they are in their 80s or 90s and they are just tired... exhausted, they are simply done.

This is hellish and I don't know if my husband's family will ever speak with me (they live in another country and have not spoken to me or accepted a call since).

You are not alone.

20 days ago I couldn't lift my head off the floor or stop screaming. Today, though I haven't really left the house I am writing, I am reading other posts. I am reflecting and I am finding that memories I hadn't thought of for so long come back to me, like a hug or a kiss or something funny he said. Stay strong, you are not alone and even if you fight it (as I've found myself doing) this will get 'better' you will never be the same - don't expect that or be hard on yourself, but you will get better.

Permalink Reply by Halley Moore on June 22, 2011 at 12:49am

Hi Shari, I am a bit confused by this site because I know I responded to you, but now I'm not seeing it here. I feel we both need a lot of support right now, so I really do want to stay in touch. The answer is yes, let's see if we can help each other. I am usually online daily, but the last several days I've been planning for my mom's ash service which is taking a lot out of me. I'm making a memorial DVD, which is beautiful, and although it's very difficult, it is helping me to process everything. I cry a lot, and then I just stop working on it when I need a break. However, I do have more insight when I have been able to cry. I don't know your spiritual background, but I am a spiritual woman and find that that has been a must for my healing. I am so busy, that I have to make time to read and be in that peaceful space, but when I do, I feel so much better. The book I recommend touches on death in a beautifully spiritual way, and brings me peace. I don't know, you may enjoy it, and it may help. It's Power, Freedom, and Grace by Deepak Chopra. Do you read?

Shari Soklow said:

I also live with the DEEPEST GUILT! My beloved son Howie, shot himself in the head with my gun that my son talked me into purchasing! Can we be friends and possibly help each other?

Love & Hugs,

Shari

Permalink Reply by Halley Moore on June 22, 2011 at 12:53am

Thank you for that BellaPiccola, that helped me to understand so much about my mom's passing as well. Thank you for bringing us a little bit of clarity from your experience.

Halley

BellaPiccola said:

Almost the exact same thing happened with my husband. I told him I had not made up my mind about what to do but I needed space and time to process what was going on. He developed delusional disorder over the last few years, he suppressed it for a long time and I never knew how bad it was since it sometimes wasn't directed my way and seemed quite reasonable.

He was in therapy but not even his therapists knew how bad it was - he was paranoid and I don't know if he ever told anyone the whole story... even he thought I was the enemy sometimes which hurts so much. I'm still so sad that he felt so alone, that this felt like his only option that he didn't understand how much I love him - that we could have fixed anything, anything but this.

It was a really bad rough patch... but everyone experiences these... then the words of some people who understand come back to me... that he didn't want to burden me with his problems - he was trying to protect me and just live a 'normal' life away from his disease by hiding it and suppressing it and believing he could overcome it alone - going off his medication 6 days before this happened.

You may feel alone and the grief is absolutely horrible... numbing... crushing. You are not alone. I am here, others are here.

I've had so many things told to me... some being that people who actually carry out suicide have been thinking about it for at least a year often as long as 10 years. That we may never know the whole story or the extent and duration of our loved one's suffering - often because trying to be the strong men they were - they were protecting us (which is the most upsetting thing to accept because I feel I could have done so much more if I had understood what was happening).

Finally, a very excellent trauma physician told me that in their minds they are not young anymore (my husband was 37) because of their long-lived agony and depression - they feel like they are in their 80s or 90s and they are just tired... exhausted, they are simply done.

This is hellish and I don't know if my husband's family will ever speak with me (they live in another country and have not spoken to me or accepted a call since).

You are not alone.

20 days ago I couldn't lift my head off the floor or stop screaming. Today, though I haven't really left the house I am writing, I am reading other posts. I am reflecting and I am finding that memories I hadn't thought of for so long come back to me, like a hug or a kiss or something funny he said. Stay strong, you are not alone and even if you fight it (as I've found myself doing) this will get 'better' you will never be the same - don't expect that or be hard on yourself, but you will get better.

Permalink Reply by Melania Lee on July 8, 2011 at 4:51pm

I just finished reading "Dying to be Free. A Healing Guide for Families after a Suicide." by Beverly Cobain and Jean Larch. My ex boyfriend killed himself and I have guilt also. He wanted to get back with me a few months prior and I said no. He came to see me a few days before the suicide and told me he loved me and I said nothing! Looking back, I believe he was saying goodbye. He wanted me to go with him and talk and I said another time. If I had been paying closer attention I may have seen something was wrong!

His family has ther own guilt. Brother had fired him! Father asked him to move! The truth is, no one saw it coming. He didn't share. Now I wonder how much my rejection had to do with it. I guess I will never know.

I did love him and I wanted to marry him, but timing was really bad! I will regret that last day for the rest of my life.

In a suicide, guilt is most common. The truth is, your husband made a choice to end his life. You did not pull the trigger! I am sure he had plenty of reasons to live. Do not let anyone put all the blame on you! People get divorced all the time and never think of killing themselves. I am so sorry for what you are going through. You may want to see a a therapist who can help you through this.