Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Vicki on October 30, 2010 at 12:27am

I know your having a horrible time right now. One thing you did right was join this site. Everyone on here is here for you. I'm sure your husband was depressed after you left him. But in stood of going to the Dr. and explaining what was going on.He needed to tell a Dr. or he may have just needed someone to listen to him. The thing to remember is you didn't pull the trigger.I'm sure his family is very hurt and upset with you.You need to ask God to help you get thru this. Ask him to give you the strenght to go one day at a time.
I know what your going thru, my teenage daughter, who is eighteen. Had her world turned upside down on June 28, 2010. Her boyfriend of ten months shoot himself in the head, while she was talking to him on the phone. She raced to his house and could see him thru the curtains. He was slupped over a chair, with a bullet whole in his head. She was trying to break up with him.So he called and said your not going to take me back.She said not right now, get a job, get your lifre together and then we will talk. She really did love him. But at that time he thought it was over for good.So he said " ok five,four,three,two,one, bang. She jump in her car and saw him in that window. She couldn't call 911 all she was doing was screaming. She ask if she could go to the funeral and was told no. His family blames her. She had not been on her facebook in four months, so they other day she got on. There were messages from people calling her names. Telling her that she was mean to him and that is why he did it.

Permalink Reply by Vicki on October 30, 2010 at 12:27am

I know your having a horrible time right now. One thing you did right was join this site. Everyone on here is here for you. I'm sure your husband was depressed after you left him. But in stood of going to the Dr. and explaining what was going on.He needed to tell a Dr. or he may have just needed someone to listen to him. The thing to remember is you didn't pull the trigger.I'm sure his family is very hurt and upset with you.You need to ask God to help you get thru this. Ask him to give you the strenght to go one day at a time.
I know what your going thru, my teenage daughter, who is eighteen. Had her world turned upside down on June 28, 2010. Her boyfriend of ten months shoot himself in the head, while she was talking to him on the phone. She raced to his house and could see him thru the curtains. He was slupped over a chair, with a bullet whole in his head. She was trying to break up with him.So he called and said your not going to take me back.She said not right now, get a job, get your lifre together and then we will talk. She really did love him. But at that time he thought it was over for good.So he said " ok five,four,three,two,one, bang. She jump in her car and saw him in that window. She couldn't call 911 all she was doing was screaming. She ask if she could go to the funeral and was told no. His family blames her. She had not been on her facebook in four months, so they other day she got on. There were messages from people calling her names. Telling her that she was mean to him and that is why he did it.

Permalink Reply by Vicki on October 30, 2010 at 9:41am

Vicki said:

I know your having a horrible time right now. One thing you did right was join this site. Everyone on here is here for you. I'm sure your husband was depressed after you left him. But in stood of going to the Dr. and explaining what was going on.He needed to tell a Dr. or he may have just needed someone to listen to him. The thing to remember is you didn't pull the trigger.I'm sure his family is very hurt and upset with you.You need to ask God to help you get thru this. Ask him to give you the strenght to go one day at a time.
I know what your going thru, my teenage daughter, who is eighteen. Had her world turned upside down on June 28, 2010. Her boyfriend of ten months shoot himself in the head, while she was talking to him on the phone. She raced to his house and could see him thru the curtains. He was slupped over a chair, with a bullet whole in his head. She was trying to break up with him.So he called and said your not going to take me back.She said not right now, get a job, get your lifre together and then we will talk. She really did love him. But at that time he thought it was over for good.So he said " ok five,four,three,two,one, bang. She jump in her car and saw him in that window. She couldn't call 911 all she was doing was screaming. She ask if she could go to the funeral and was told no. His family blames her. She had not been on her facebook in four months, so they other day she got on. There were messages from people calling her names. Telling her that she was mean to him and that is why he did it.

Permalink Reply by Vicki on October 30, 2010 at 9:45am

thank you for the kind words,and support,i do feel deep greif,and sadness,plus responsibility,wondering,if i hadn't left if maybe he wouldn't have killed himself,only GOD knows,but i will forever wonder.... please pray for his family,as they bury him today,again thank you,and tell your daughter i truly know how she feels.
Vicki said:

I know your having a horrible time right now. One thing you did right was join this site. Everyone on here is here for you. I'm sure your husband was depressed after you left him. But in stood of going to the Dr. and explaining what was going on.He needed to tell a Dr. or he may have just needed someone to listen to him. The thing to remember is you didn't pull the trigger.I'm sure his family is very hurt and upset with you.You need to ask God to help you get thru this. Ask him to give you the strenght to go one day at a time.
I know what your going thru, my teenage daughter, who is eighteen. Had her world turned upside down on June 28, 2010. Her boyfriend of ten months shoot himself in the head, while she was talking to him on the phone. She raced to his house and could see him thru the curtains. He was slupped over a chair, with a bullet whole in his head. She was trying to break up with him.So he called and said your not going to take me back.She said not right now, get a job, get your lifre together and then we will talk. She really did love him. But at that time he thought it was over for good.So he said " ok five,four,three,two,one, bang. She jump in her car and saw him in that window. She couldn't call 911 all she was doing was screaming. She ask if she could go to the funeral and was told no. His family blames her. She had not been on her facebook in four months, so they other day she got on. There were messages from people calling her names. Telling her that she was mean to him and that is why he did it.

Permalink Reply by Jeri Grauman on November 3, 2010 at 7:22pm

It isn't your fault...it takes more than someone leaving you three dys ago to put that gun in someone's hand...he was probably depressed and never told anyone...and the reasons they don't tell are so varied it would be impossible to know them all. My husband took his life too and I spent a long time blaming myself and wondering what I could have done differently. Nothing. He killed himself fro his own reasons and even tho we may have been having a hard time, it still was not my fault. It is NEVER the survivors fault. We can not stop them by loving them or staying with them, or giving them everything we think they need or they think they need. If they are going to die they are going to die. And fixing blame on yourself only puts too much burden on you. Burden that is not yours to carry. And if anyone else blames you, you need to put them from your life til they get it and if they never get it, you need to keep them away always. No one should tell you how to grieve or when or with whom. You will pull through..you already lived through one of the hardest parts of this...learning that it happened and the shock that brings. I won't tell you it won't be hard, because it will. But you are strong and you can do it and there are a lot of people out there who will help!!

Permalink Reply by Vicki on November 3, 2010 at 7:48pm

jeri,thanks,for your words,of truth,experience,and wisdom.i am truly sorry to hear about your loss also,it ,is a very hard thing to cope with,and i hope ,and pray with time the guilt lessens.you sharing your experience,with me is deeply appreciated,and maybe some day i can help someone else..... thanks again vicki
Jeri Grauman said:

It isn't your fault...it takes more than someone leaving you three dys ago to put that gun in someone's hand...he was probably depressed and never told anyone...and the reasons they don't tell are so varied it would be impossible to know them all. My husband took his life too and I spent a long time blaming myself and wondering what I could have done differently. Nothing. He killed himself fro his own reasons and even tho we may have been having a hard time, it still was not my fault. It is NEVER the survivors fault. We can not stop them by loving them or staying with them, or giving them everything we think they need or they think they need. If they are going to die they are going to die. And fixing blame on yourself only puts too much burden on you. Burden that is not yours to carry. And if anyone else blames you, you need to put them from your life til they get it and if they never get it, you need to keep them away always. No one should tell you how to grieve or when or with whom. You will pull through..you already lived through one of the hardest parts of this...learning that it happened and the shock that brings. I won't tell you it won't be hard, because it will. But you are strong and you can do it and there are a lot of people out there who will help!!

Permalink Reply by Jan Marie Kriner on November 5, 2010 at 10:15pm

I've lost 2 husbands to suicide. One thing I know for sure, they were thinking of doing this deed long before they actually pulled the trigger. People want to blame someone for something that they don't understand. i was lucky. I never had a family member show me anything but love and compassion. There is no way to stop people from thinking what they want to think. I felt guilty after my first husband died for years. I told him the day before if he doesn't stop the drinking, I was going to leave him. I know that he was a manic depressant. He was at a very low point and didn't see a way out eventhough he was shown many different solutions and given all the opportunities to accomplish that. He just didn't see it happening. Not my fault. Not your fault either baby. You'll get through it. don't expect the ignorant people to all of a sudden to see the light, cuz they won't. Always gotta blame someone. I always believed that it's their guilt coming to the surface. One question I'll never ask someone is " Didn't you see the signs?" Obviously not! The ones that threaten to commit suicide, rarely do it. Take care baby. My 1st husband died in 1982, the second in 2008. It still hurts, but not as bad.

Permalink Reply by SUE on November 6, 2010 at 1:14am

Vicky,
How Sorry I am you have reason to join this group but glad you found us. It is natural to feel guilt. We all do. In time you will understand that this is not your fault and it isnt. Please be gentle with yourself. Breathe.. keep writing here and talking and ask for help if you need it. I saw my doctor for the things I could not control and spent hours on suicide survivor forums. Strange how those hours quickly became years..Know you are not alone here and you might benefit by joining a support group in person as well.
It is a very long journey but you will survive this I promise. Forever changed yes but surviving just the same.
My heart goes out to you
((hugs))
Sue

Permalink Reply by kathy on February 21, 2011 at 5:56am

 

How have you been. Someone you love has commited suicide , your heart will ache with sadness, but you have to go on; As you go through this period of sorrow remember; The Bible assures us God "is healing the broken hearted ones, and is binding up their painful spot." Psalm 147:3

 

Permalink Reply by Nicky on March 29, 2011 at 7:23am

Helo everyone..It's been a while since I been on this site..13 months have past since my boyfrind killed himself and It still feels like a dream..I ask myself..did he really live?... did he really do it....did I really found him and cut that rope myself of is it just a dream..I try not to think about him and I dont want to talk to anyone around me about him or that day...I haven't had the guts to pack away his belongings yet....I just want to keep my thoughts, feelings to myself..This is the only way I think I'm getting through this...The first anneversary was bad really bad....All I want to do is party party and more party... Is this normal feeling this way?

Permalink Reply by Halley Moore on June 16, 2011 at 8:28pm

Nicky, I am soooo sorry for your loss. I too am dealing with the "is this just a dream" feelings. I also notice myself moving on in unhealthy ways sometimes, or just distracting myself from the pain by staying very very busy. I lost my mom to suicide, and I have a lot of guilt because she lived with me and I had to ask her to move out. She moved back to a town she didn't like, and then committed suicide 10 months later. There is so much I don't understand. It's strange....people actually think I am coping so well because I keep going, but inside I have incredible pain that I don't know what to do with. I think that this distraction through "partying, working, etc" is because the pain is too much to bear and it is how we move away from the pain. However, sooner or later, we will have to face it. I choose to do this in very small pieces in my own time, no one elses time. There is no rush my friend... you will come back to it in your own way and in your own due time... and I know that there will be a day that we both will be able to put their items away, but what is the rush? grief is a healing process and we will all do that at a different pace and in a different way... just the fact that you are on here reaching out means to me that you are working at healing slowly. I do hope you get this message...

Permalink Reply by Shari Soklow on June 16, 2011 at 10:45pm

I also live with the DEEPEST GUILT! My beloved son Howie,  shot himself in the head with my gun that my son talked me into purchasing! Can we be friends and possibly help each other?

 

Love & Hugs,

 

Shari

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