I lost my brother.

On May 25th, 2011. I lost my only brother. He was 40 yrs old. My brother did not have a problem with alchohol or drugs. He wasn't on any kind of medication. As I'm writing this I still keep asking myself the question "why he did it"? I got the call from one of my older sisters around 1:30am. She called me to tell me that my brother had committed suicide. Just a couple hours after we celebrated my mothers 65th birthday. My mother who currently resides in a nursing home due to her living condition with Alhzeimers. Does not know my brother has passed away. Its 5 kids including my brother. Most of us reside here in NYC but he lived in upstate NY. Where he brought a house and lived with his now ex wife. We all knew our brother was stressed out. Who had some financial issues. He had two ex wives and kids with both of them. Both of his ex wives were taking him to court for child support. At times my brother had to work two jobs just to make the ends meet to pay child support. And if he was late with his payments, one of his ex wives wouldnt let him see his own kids. My brother was a good guy. Kind hearted, funny and very charming. And he had this unique laugh to him. He could be such a nerd at time. But was so cool. He rode motorcycles and just loved to make people laugh. He loved watching South Park. At the time of his death his was currently engaged. This woman helped him through eny struggles he needed. But my brother was a man full of pride and he hated the fact he needed to borrow money or ask for help. He shot himself infront of the house he and his fiance shared. He asked her to take the dog inside and as she did...he pulled the trigger. My mother who I visit alot will always ask for him when her memory serves her right. And it kills me that I have to lie to her and tell her hes working late. Or that he is sick. She will some times confuse us and call me by my brothers name. Before he passed our mothers nursing staff told us the day before he died. he spent alot of time with our mother. He was very affectionate and loving. Didn't let her out of his sight. I am convinced that was his way of saying goodbye. He also passed by the neighborhood we all grew up in and just parked his car and just stared at the apartment window we all lived in. I knew he had problems with his kids and ex wives and finances. I wish I would of helped him as being his brother and being able to sense something wrong with him. I don't know what to do at times. I miss him dearly and cry just about everynight.

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Permalink Reply by Joyce M Rubacky on August 1, 2011 at 11:41am

Hello Eddie,

When I read this, I thought, in some ways I could be reading about my brother! My brother spent his whole life being a true perfectionist. Major changes in his life the past 3 years was something I guess he could not live with. He had no control over this....but I guess he realized he still had control over his living or dieing. He also shot himself. I am trying to understand just like you. I wish I had some words to help ease your pain. You probably are feeling numb one day and then so much despair the next day. Unfortunately, there are so many people in the same place as us. I hope you find some solace at this site.

Permalink Reply by E on August 1, 2011 at 4:56pm

I've held alot inside since his death, confusion, anger and guilt. I try my best to just try and understand or even just go on with my life. I have a family of my own, and sometimes when I'm uspet it leads me to disconnect from my wife and son. Who are also grieving. They also need me to be strong for my own sake. I feel like at times my wife doesnt understand and my son is too young to even comprehend. And all these thoughts race throught my head. I still have three sisters but i feel going to them with questions and dispair it will only make things worse for them. I saw this site online while one day looking for people who share the same pain. Im so sorry about your brother. Its hard to understand that you and your siblings lived together, played, sometimes even fought and laughed, and there was no way you saw it coming. I think that makes the situation a little more complicated. My heart goes out to you and your family. I just feel like the whole world took everything from him and the only thing he was in control of, like you said was his life

Permalink Reply by Daphne vaughn (Anthony's Mom ) on August 2, 2011 at 3:17pm

hello,eddie, so sorry for your loss it wasnt my brother who took his life it was my son so i know all to well how your feeling wondering if there was something more we could have or should have done i dont have have any of the answers but im hoping you have lots of family support its so very hard on us left behind i take it one day at a time some days harder than others im wishing you good thoughts and prayers be good to yourself will keep you in my prayers daphne vaughn

Permalink Reply by Daphne vaughn (Anthony's Mom ) on August 2, 2011 at 3:17pm

Permalink Reply by Heather J. Crawford-Strout on August 2, 2011 at 7:59pm

Eddie,

I am so sorry and I am in the same storm, I lost my brother to suicide by hanging on December 8, 2010. I wanted to tell you that your not alone...we just have to learn to except a really shitty assignment, life as we knew it... is now not familiar and the ground we walk on is so damn shaky sometimes. But the waves do recede sometimes so you can catch your breathe...Bless you and yours in this, I am here if you ever want to vent.

Heather

I am a member of another sight called suicidegrief.com and that really helps too.

Permalink Reply by E on August 2, 2011 at 9:02pm

Thanks to everyone for their kind words. Its over whelming to receive this love and support from total strangers across the world. I kow have a place to come to and vent, grief and communicate with others who share the same experience. Thank you, you all are too kind. I hold on to the great memories me and my brother shared. And sometimes I cry and sometimes I smile. But the best part of it, is that I can say he is and will always be my brother until we meet again. Sometimes I wish he would give us a sign just to let us know he is okay and finally at PEACE. Cause we all know he needed it. I talk to him often, I'm not upset at him all all, which is weird. It would of been selfish of me to want him alive if he was miserable and depressed. I'm not sure if he knew or knows how much of an impact he has had on friends and family. Everytime I hear a bike go by or see a Heniken (his favorite) I think of him. Soon our family has to go up to his house upstate to go through his belongings, I feel that will be the hardest part. I' know he's happy we buried him with his bike jacket and some extra things he would need in his journey to paradise.

Permalink Reply by Teresa on August 5, 2011 at 12:32am

I too lost my brother to suicide. The devastation to me was more than I can handle and it changed me. I wanted to die. As time went by, I found a was learning to cope and you will. I promise. I came up with a saying that I thought was my own, but turns out it's pretty normal for suicide survivors. A new norm. My 21 year old son has committed suicide now, and I know I will figure it out, cause I did once before. I know we can't go, but we are all anxiously waiting to see them again and ask "WHY" Why did you do this to us. I guess I'm torn between loss and anger and yet knowing they are at peace at our expense. I go from being heart broken and feeling absolutely like nothing is worth living for, to living out of pure anger. However I am a believer in God, and sometime he has to remind me that during those time's I saw only one set of footprints in the sand and I'm angry he left me, it was then he was carrying me.

Permalink Reply by Heather J. Crawford-Strout on August 7, 2011 at 3:24pm

A really sweet lady posted this for me on another website and I thought I could share.

Jar of Stones:

If you filled a quart jar with small stones, and held it straight out in front of you, you would find that with each passing moment the jar would seem heavier. The weight of the stones did not change, but your arm would hurt more and more until the pain spread to your shoulder, neck, and back and become unbearable. Suppose you wish the people around you to think you are strong enough to hold the jar forever, so when someone talks to you or offers help, you smile and refuse. You pretend everything is fine, even though by now you are in excruciating pain.

Why not allow your friends and family to support your arm or even remove some of the stones from the jar? Would you be ashamed that you could not bear the pain alone? Ashamed that you need help? Ashamed to ask for help?

This is how many suicidal people feel as they scream inwardly for help, but they will neither ask for it nor admit they are hurting. There are many people who would rush to take the jar from you if only they knew that you and your jar of stones were about to crash to the earth.

When a suicide occurs, we survivors are astounded to learn that our loved ones had struggled with a jar of stones that caused them such enormous pain. Each of us is left with a shattered jar that cannot be put together. We scurry to gather the scattered stones, frantically examining each in hopes of magically seeing what caused our loved one to suffer silently and alone. But the stones hold no answers, and the jar is forever broken. We survivors must work, even kicking and screaming to heal the scars on our hearts, so that we may hold the beautiful memories of our loved ones there.

(((hugs)))

heather

Permalink Reply by Daphne vaughn (Anthony's Mom ) on August 8, 2011 at 11:30am

Theresa Sweaney said:

The Jar of Stones is a beautiful analogy. I appreciated you sharing it Heather.

Permalink Reply by Jerica Guerra on August 10, 2011 at 7:27pm

Hello my name is Jerica, im the big sister of Eddie. As i read my brother's story i started to cry. I would like to thank everyone on your kind and consoling words. When i got the call on May 25 at 1:20am my life changed. I heard the house phone ringing several times. I didnt want to pick it up because i thought it was something bad happen to my mother, but when i picked up and it was my middle sister saying that something happen to Pito (that was his nickname we called him) i was like omg! i had woken up my partner and she was like wat happen?? n told her.. He like riding motocycle so i thought he had an accident on his bike. When she told me hes in the hospital and didnt make it. I was like i wanna go c him!! At the time i wasnt thinking straight, i was like i have to make phone calls....:( the hardest thing that i had to do. First i called my brother Eddie n told him then i had to call my father. I think my father was numb because he was like WHAT!? Eventually everyone met up in my house. I remember that nite like it was yesterday, im still re-living it. The thing thats gonna have me more depressed each year is that we had to bury him on my Birthday........ I ask myself why a bunch of times. but its like i know why but i dont want to accept it. i was soooo angry at him for doing this, but like my Eddie said he had to much pride to tell someone that something was bothering him. He would talk to me when he had the chance and i would give him advice. i know he was going thru a rough time but damn! (crying) when i saw him in the casket for the last time, i forgave him and i told him. but i still feel mad and soo angry at him. i think about him everyday. i miss his text, his voice, his distinct laugh and him stopping by to say hello and what's up! :) I still hold on to the last text he sent me....because i think that the only connection we had last. My brother Eddie had told me about this website and told me that i should try it out. im glad i did. :) i'm trying to be strong but its hard, especially when im the oldest sister of 5 and everyone counts on me. i have to had thoughts in joining my brother but i have 4 kids and a partner that she has been soo supported to me and still is to live for. I take it day by day by keeping myself busy. work has help and the support of my family as well. again i would like to thank everyone for their feedbacks and support to my brother Eddie. :) oh by the way my profile picture is me and my brother on my wedding day! he walked me down the aisle i would never forget that! :)

Permalink Reply by Theresa Sweaney on August 11, 2011 at 12:57am

My son's d-day was the day before my daughter's b-day. She traveled on her birthday to get here to be with me. I felt bad that she was away from her own family and friends and spent her birthday under such dreadful circumstances. I just hope that it doesn't make her future birthdays sad for her. What a beautiful and very special photograph of you and your brother. When was it taken?

Permalink Reply by Daphne vaughn (Anthony's Mom ) on August 11, 2011 at 2:43pm

Jerica Guerra said:

Hello my name is Jerica, im the big sister of Eddie. As i read my brother's story i started to cry. I would like to thank everyone on your kind and consoling words. When i got the call on May 25 at 1:20am my life changed. I heard the house phone ringing several times. I didnt want to pick it up because i thought it was something bad happen to my mother, but when i picked up and it was my middle sister saying that something happen to Pito (that was his nickname we called him) i was like omg! i had woken up my partner and she was like wat happen?? n told her.. He like riding motocycle so i thought he had an accident on his bike. When she told me hes in the hospital and didnt make it. I was like i wanna go c him!! At the time i wasnt thinking straight, i was like i have to make phone calls....:( the hardest thing that i had to do. First i called my brother Eddie n told him then i had to call my father. I think my father was numb because he was like WHAT!? Eventually everyone met up in my house. I remember that nite like it was yesterday, im still re-living it. The thing thats gonna have me more depressed each year is that we had to bury him on my Birthday........ I ask myself why a bunch of times. but its like i know why but i dont want to accept it. i was soooo angry at him for doing this, but like my Eddie said he had to much pride to tell someone that something was bothering him. He would talk to me when he had the chance and i would give him advice. i know he was going thru a rough time but damn! (crying) when i saw him in the casket for the last time, i forgave him and i told him. but i still feel mad and soo angry at him. i think about him everyday. i miss his text, his voice, his distinct laugh and him stopping by to say hello and what's up! :) I still hold on to the last text he sent me....because i think that the only connection we had last. My brother Eddie had told me about this website and told me that i should try it out. im glad i did. :) i'm trying to be strong but its hard, especially when im the oldest sister of 5 and everyone counts on me. i have to had thoughts in joining my brother but i have 4 kids and a partner that she has been soo supported to me and still is to live for. I take it day by day by keeping myself busy. work has help and the support of my family as well. again i would like to thank everyone for their feedbacks and support to my brother Eddie. :) oh by the way my profile picture is me and my brother on my wedding day! he walked me down the aisle i would never forget that! :)