It's going to be a year in oct. that my whole life changed forever! I am soooo sad and scared and confused and very much heart broken! My 4 yr old son doesnt understand what just happen all he knows is that daddy is now in heaven with God and he will never see him again! How sad is that! It breaks my heart when he says I miss daddy! :( I wanna die too!!!!! My husband committed suicide and I found him! I am soooo wishing that this is still a dream! I have no energy to take care of my boys ages 16, 4, and 1 1/2 but I do my best and try! But all I wanna do is stay in bed and give up! depression is kicking in and no matter what medicine I am on IT DOESNT work because nothing can ever make this ok ,,, not even time! I miss my life! He was my life! Yes so are my kids and thats why I havent tried to do the same but i am living in hell every day with constant reminders of the good and horrible! It hurts to breath.my bones hurt everything hurts!

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Brenda, It saddens me greatly to read your post and hear the challenges you face each and every day.
You must be very strong to have endured such a devastating trial in your life. I hope you pray!
Last year was extremely difficult for me, as well, but I had no where to turn but God. I cried out to him every day, all day long to give me the strength to hold on. Minute by minute, I was able to endure and pass through the HELL that seemed to be my circumstances and reality. Now that I have passed through the fire I realize I have come through much stronger. It was obvious to me during the trials that I was being sustained by an unseen force. I love the Lord more than ever now. I know He cares about each of his children. Turn to him with all your heart and He will reveal himself to you. God Bless! Best of Luck!

Thank you Margo! I am such a mess right now! I cant believe my husband did this!!! My 4 yr breaks my heart more and more everyday only because he doesnt understand but knows his dad and my 1 1/2 yr will never ever remember his dad!! And my poor 16 yr old has to watch all this and deal with his own emotions!  I have always believed in God , and still do, but I have cried out to my husband for answers and God for the strength!

I definitely feel the same in that I am living in a nightmare and don't even want to get up everyday. I think my memories of him make me even sadder, because I miss him so much...like I need to block them out. I think when your husband dies it can be even more painful than if it was someone else you know.

AWWW KRISTEN!!!! OUR LIVES suck!!!! For someone to have live with finding your husband dead or watching him take his own life is something that only one who has experience that, can understand what a horrible, gut wrenching, pain we are in!!!! When my husband passed my little one was 3 months and I wanted nothing to do with him! I felt no connection and just wanted to deal with myself and my then 3 1/2 yr old! I was lucky to have family take my sons while I just grieved for a while! After awhile I got my sons back, but I had them a couple days at a time. Because the baby needed so much more care he stood with family alot more then my 4 yr old! Right now my mom keeps my boys wed- thursday night if she feels good she will keep both til friday! So that helps out so much!!!!! I feel so many different emotions that I am exhausted only 1-2 hrs after I wake up!!! I also walk around lost and scared and traumatized!! It is so hard for me but I can tell you that the pain will never get easier but because time is going so fast right now for us WE learn how to live day by day and it becomes easier for you to control the emotionally out bursts!!! Although some days thats all I do!!! It is harder when you have kids because we have "FIRST" on a daily basis so all my days are bitter sweet! Everything that you are feeling I also feel, going to the store, everything that you normally did, just doesnt feel normal again! I didnt want to go anywhere that "WE" went! I didnt want to see people, I feel like something phyiscally changed and everyone can see it! Just try and take some deep breaths and grieve!! IT IS NORMAL TO FEEL ALL OVER THE PLACE!

It breaks my heart to know that other people feel this way, it has been 6 months and i decided to have a look at a website to try to see someway thru this, but everyone here is heartbroken, i cant see how it helps.

Hello Brenda, I read your post. I teared up. Reading how you felt I feel your pain. I'm affected by suicide also. You said it's been a year for me it's been 5. Your right it's never okay and never gets better or easier. I just want you to know you are not alone. There are countless others in the same pain. What I do is focus on today. Just try to get through today task by task. And remember you wouldn't be in pain if you didn't love him. You have him here through his children. So love those parts of him here with you. As my Mom says focus only on the good and your love for him. For the holidays be in a relaxed atmosphere low drama and high on laughs. You can friend me we can be there for each other. Don't let the depression take over because you are not alone. Don't be pushed either its okay for you not to be okay.

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