I lost my brother exactly two weeks ago by suicide.  He hung himself.  He was my little brother.  I am 10 years older than him.  I do have my why's and what if's, but I know those won't ever be answered.  I don't blame myself either.  I am just hurt, lost, empty...I feel like I was his big sister, I told him he could always come to me.  Why didn't he come to me?  I wonder if there is anything I could have done differently?  I feel like in some way I failed him.  We were pretty close despite our age difference.

 

I feel like no one understands unless they have been through it.  People expect to go on or talk about it with them, but what is there to say to them?  They don't understand.  My life will never be the same.

 

I just miss him so much...

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Erica this may sound strange but I lost my brother the same way on the 9th of June. My brother was 21 years too young to go. I am 9 yrs older then him and feel the same way you do.  I just feel lost.  Trapped on a roller coaster.  How r u getting through this?

Honestly, Debbie,  I don't know.  That first week I stayed at my moms and was surrounded by family.  After I went home, I've just been living day by day.  My husband is trying to be as supportive as he can, but he'll never feel the same way I do.  I have my moments almost everyday where I break down.  I feel lost and empty.  My life will never be the same. I feel like a big chunk of my heart is missing and I will never get it back.  I did by a notebook to journal my thoughts, but part of me wonders if I am in the denial stage too, because it's still so hard to accept.

 

I probably wasn't much help, Debbie.  I'm just taking it day by day.  Remember to take care of yourself - eat, sleep, etc.  It's still so recent, and the pain is still so raw...don't even worry about tomorrow, take care of yourself today.

 

I wrote this when I was down, which is every day.  I am here if you want to talk.

I thought about writing things down as well.  I'm down every day too.  I feel like I'm on the emotional rollercoaster from hell.  I go up to the cemitary every day... why I don't even know... I guess it's the only thing that comforts me.  I know where his physical body is.  I keep having moments where I am  in denial as well.  I just keep thinking he is going to call, text his daily funny message or put a comment on Face Book or something.  Notta.  It sucks.  I think writing is a good idea. Some of the things I think are better off on the paper.  Just by talking about it it helps.  I am a social worker, while let me rephrase that I was a social worker until my employer fired me in the middle of brievement leave... I know the different phases of grief but living with it is insane.  I not only feel like I lost my brother but my best friend and my son.  I practically raised my little brother.

Are you having the quick moments like omg he's gone you feel like your going to totally freak out and then after a few min your ok?  Out side of the being down and depressed

i am having a very hard time tonight. the pain is too much. i did get your message, and will reply tmrw Debbie. Happy4th
I hope your 4th of July was ok.  I hear ya it was a very hard day to get through.  It's those Holidays... I hope your ok.  The emotional roller coaster sucks that's for sure.  E-mail me back when you get this just to let me know how your doing.  Hope your ok.

Sorry it took me a while to get back.  First, I cannot believe your employer fired you! Given the field you are in, you would think they would be more understanding.  I went back to work the Friday before the 4th, called in on Saturday and Sunday, and went back on the 4th (I work at a hospital).  Although I asked my manager to kindly tell people not ask questions, some people still did.  One my drive home at the end of the shift everything hit me so hard.  I broke down in my  car and just continued for the rest of the night. On Tuesday I was okay, then I started looking at his facebook and listening to his vm just to hear his voice....it wasn't a good night then either.

 

I completely understand you when you said it feels like you lost your brother, your best friend, and your son.  Even though my brother was an "adult" each time I spent with him I treated it like a "visitation".  I tried to plan something fun with him.  I sometimes felt bad when I said we would just stay in and hang out.  He never minded though.  I hate video games, but I would sit there and play them with him too, just to bond on some level.  I was never good though, he would always have to help. :)

 

Although I know he's gone, part of me thinks I am still in denial a bit. I do freak out at random moments when I realize that I will never see him again...then I am okay. 

 

This past holiday was hard, but I can't even begin to imagine what Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to be like. We've always been together for the holidays, and his birthday is right after the New Year, so that time of year was always a big deal to spoil him....

 

I dreamt of him last night for the first time.  In my dream we were in my bedroom, I was laying down, and he was next to me except I couldnt see his legs...but we just talked (almost like we used to).  I remember I told him I loved him a few times, and I think he said I know...I don't remember much else.  I know it was just a dream, but I will take a million dreams with him if that's the only way I get to see him "alive".  I know that sounds crazy and doesnt make sense, but that's all I have right now.

 

Enough about me, how are you holding up?  Did you cope well this past weekend?  What are you doing day by day to get by?

The dream part totally makes sense.  I have to say I think the car is the place to break down... lol  I can so relate to the break downs and the moments of having to ask myself if I'm in denial. 

 

 I get these moments where I start thinking and I litterally feel like I totally panic out.  I do because I realize I'm not going  to see him again.  The face book thing well I go on his page every day many times a day just to look at the pics. 

 

As far as the 4th of July well that was interesting.  I live in a kinda upscale community and after the fire works I could hear bag pipes playing from one of the local yat clubs.  My little brother thought bag pipes where cool.  He thought they were funny actually so my family had a bag pipe player stand out side the church and play at his funeral.  My brother was a 15yr old in a 21yr old body. Anyway hearing that sent me over the edge a bit.  I had my husband take my kid's home and I walked the 1.5 mile walk home to just breath.  He was an awsome kid.  The whole game thing I can so relate to that. 

 

My little brother was sooo funny though.  Always had a way of making things funny even if it was a horrible situation.  I don't know if your into family guy or south park??  He would always quote stuff from those shows.  I actually hated those two shows for a long time.  A few years ago he came over and had me watch an all night marathon and well I cracked up at the crazies stuff on there.

 

As far as the day by day I'm trying to stay as busy as I can.  Not working is a drag in some ways and a blessing in others.  I've been job hunting and staying busy with my two sons one is 4 and the other is 6.  My 6yr old has Autism so with all of his apt I feel like I am still working full time.  All I can do is try to stay busy. 

 

When something triggers a memory of my little brother I have to stop and just breath and sometimes I just start crying.  It's hard and at times there is no holding back the tears.  I don't even feel like my family is there to talk to which sucks. People in my family I think don't even know how to react.  My friend sent me a quote  "Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth."  Benjamin Disraeli

     This makes a lot of sence to me.  I don't know.  Everything is still so..... this is hard.  I have never felt pain like this.  I've lost people close to me but not this close.

Erika, my daughter Christine is in the same place as you.  My son Charles (her younger brother by 8 years) died in early May this year.  She called me late the other night from St. Louis (even later there) because she was having a particularly rough time at that moment.  We talked and cried together and reminded each other of the things we've since learned and understand about the progressive illness that distorted his reality.  It still hurts enormously though.  I have several good days in a row now, and then some bad ones pop up out of nowhere.  I see the number of up days improving and bad days somewhat diminishing, so I'm feeling hopeful that I will not continue to be in this much pain.  I know the stages of grieving and understand that I am right where is typical to be, so that gives me hope as well, and faith in the process.  I do feel a lot of compassion for your loss, because of what I know Christine is going through.  We are both on our computers a lot, researching schizophrenia and learning all we can.  This seems to help us to work through it also.  I really am driven to understand as much as I can about what was happening in his experience.  Maybe it's because of the guilt I still feel.  I'm glad you are not struggling in that particular area.  It's a pretty awful thing to have to work through.  It makes me feel good and encourages me whenever Christine and I can now share a laugh over some of the memories we are recovering of Charles and our family in his childhood years.  Incidentally, the car is also my favorite place to grieve :)  Take care, Terry

This is to Erica.  Hope when this reaches you that  you are having a good day. You didn't fail your brother. I am sure that you gave him all the love and caring that you  had. I feel sometimes that no one understands but then I get on this site and realized that there are those that are  in the same pain that I am in.  It has been been 6 mo. since my wonderful son Chuck died.  He has 3 children and I have tried to keep in touch with them but it doesn't go well. IF there is ever a time when  you need to call me please feel free. Or send me  your phone number and I will call you. My number is 717=792=1092. I live in Thomasville, Pa.

Love to  you  Jackie Rowles

Debbie,

 

How are you holding up? 

 

I actually had a really good weekend.  My mom came over on Saturday and we swam, went to the movies, and talked about my brother.  We did do some wondering out loud, but it was nothing to bring us down.  Although my brother was not physically there, it was such a beautiful and sunny day, it felt somehow peaceful. 

 

It was strange at first, though, I won't lie.  I live right outside of Chicago. I'm in the Northern Suburbs and my family lives in the South Suburbs.  It's usually an hour drive to see my family, but my brother wasn't experienced driving on the expressway.  He took a train into the city, and would take the subway into the suburbs, and I'd pick him up at the train station.  Well, my mom isn't comfortable driving either, so she is the one who took the train.  Usually when she came up, she would always be with my brother.  She never came up alone, and so right before I picked her up I had a small moment; otherwise it was a great day.

 

Sunday wasn't too bad either, but tonight I went out to dinner with my hubby.  I pulled out my planner to check something, and I ended up browsing through it and got very emotional when I came across my brothers birthday.  I can't imagine not being with him on his birthday.  I can't imagine never seeing him again.  It hurts and makes me so sad that I never will.  He was such a big part of my life I never imagined it without him.

 

I can't put into words what I am feeling.  I am in pain.  I am sad.  I sometimes just feel all the anguish inside me.  I do get upset sometimes and just want to say what the hell were you thinking?  I wish he was here so I can shake him and ask him why didn't he come to me? I just miss him.  He will never meet my children when I have them. I feel bad that I didn't take him to Washington to visit our other brother last November......we went together for the past few years.  This year was tough because of his school and work schedule, plus financially...I would do anything to change that.

 

Oh, Debbie. I don't know.  This is just hard.  I know I will have good days and a bright future, but its hard to think of the future without him...

 

I don't know if any of this makes sense....

 

Please let me know how you are doing.  I am here if you need me.

 

Erica

 

P.S.

 

My brother loved the Family Guy, South Park, and King of the Hill.  I thought they were (are) the dumbest shows ever, but he would always watch Family Guy at my place.  He would crack up...and then crack jokes about me or just say the silliest things.  Our brothers had something in common.

 

He was a jokester, and tried to get me to laugh...he would especially crack me up and crack up himself by tickling my feet...I miss it.

 


Kelly Cofiell said:

Hello,

I also understand what you two are going through. I lost my little brother (he was 23 to my 28) on April 7th. If you go back you will see my original post just a few days after absolutely full of anguish. We were very close, in fact he did call me right before he did it, just to talk, gave me no indication. I am however writing this to you two, as I know the feeling is SO raw right now. Any mention of your brothers, things they love, anything I am sure fills your eyes with tears as mine do. However I would like to also tell you, as I just crossed the three month mark yesterday, that is gets better. The tears become less, the rawness heals a little and you will be able to think of happy thoughts. Don't get me wrong, tears still form every day, but the heart wrenching fear, guilt, anger and sadness get better. If you told me that two months ago even I never would have believed you. You will be able to smile again, you will enjoy things, you family will come together again, it just takes time. I hope you are both in therapy or at least speaking to someone, it helps, it really does. It is hard to talk about it to other loved ones as you don't want to make them cry or get upset, so another person, who is not emotionally invested makes talking about it so much easier. The more you talk, and work it out in your mind, the easier it becomes to think about it. I promise, it gets better.

 

Kelly,

 

I am sorry for your loss.  I know the words don’t mean much. I can’t imagine how I would feel if my brother called me right before.  I feel bad enough because the week he lost his life, I was working overtime at work and picked up an extra day.  We were trying to make plans and I told him what day I was free, but he said to forget about it because I was too busy.  I wish I could change that…You’re right, the feeling is still so raw.  I am going to be at the one month mark in 5 days, and I cannot believe it.  I feel like things should be getting better, but the more I realize I won’t be seeing him, the harder I feel things get.  I had two really good days this weekend, but I still feel like a big piece of my heart was ripped out.  I can’t imagine ever feeling complete again.  I can’t believe you are at the three month mark already.  You know, my brother passed away on a Thursday. I freaked out because by the time I got to my parents his body was taken away already.  I just needed to see him.  Then, I saw him on Saturday at the funeral home right after he came back from the coroners office.  I cried hard and I felt like I couldn’t even make it to the Monday and Tuesday for his wake and funeral.  Now here I am almost one month in.  The pain is still so real and raw, and you’re right, I can’t even imagine making it to three months.  I especially can’t imagine what the holidays will be like.  My immediate family is busy and all over the place, but we always came together.  I don’t even know how I will get through it.  I know I will, but it’s not going to be easy.  I’ve just been taking things day by day.  Thank you for writing and letting me know I will have brighter days ahead…I’m not in therapy, but am contemplating it.  I will make that move when I am ready.

 

Erica

Jacqueline and Theresa,

When I read your message, Jacqueline,  I was having a good day.  Thank you.  Tonight is a bit of a struggle, but coming on here helps a bit.  I really can't believe how many people are dealing with this type of loss.  It's hard talking to my friends or even some of my family because I feel they do not understand.  NO one really can unless they have experienced it.  Thank you for reaching out and letting me know there really is a light at the end of the tunnel, and letting me know I have a place to reach out to when I need it.

 

Erica

 

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