Lost my Husband 1 month Ago

I lost my husband to suicide 1 month ago, he was only 37. I'm still struggling with feelings of guilt - I didn't know how bad he was - he only told me he had a history of depression (but NEVER how bad it was) about 2 weeks before he killed himself.

He hid a lot from me. I am finding medical receipts and bills from years ago... things he never told me about. Letters from his parents urging him to try to get through the rough times - they understood how he was suffering and loosing his will to live years before we met... BUT I didn't - it was all right in front of me and I didn't understand it - like not seeing the nose on your own face.

I did get him to go to counseling - two different therapists and often when he or the therapist wanted I would go together with him. It was a shock for his therapist too - she had questioned him about suicide when I was there and not there - he almost scoffed at the idea he was so healthy otherwise, he loved his life.

He killed himself about 36 hours after we had our last fight. I communicated with him via text, email, skype and facebook - telling him how upset I was, devistated, sad, not knowing what to do but not wanting to leave him - not knowing if there were other options - I tried to call him about 100 times but with no answer... but also the night before he killed himself I told him to 'just come home' I wish I had also told him how much I love him (we often told each other and had a loving relationship despite his depression and mounting paranoia).

He was spending the night at his friends house. I don't know if he even slept that night, he killed himself early in the morning. I'm not even sure if he really wanted too, it seems almost half accident and delusion.

I'm coming up on the 1 month mark, in two days - I'm starting to cycle through feelings of recovery then the crushing grief, guilt, screaming 'no' and sadness that makes me break down all over again. I've started to eat again, instead of a bite or piece of fruit every 3 days, I'm up to 1 meal a day. I'm starting to look at our photos and sometimes I can smile instead of burst into tears and have that crushing feeling in my chest.

I'm so sorry for anyone here, it is absolutely miserable and crushing - almost no one seems to understand. My family seems to be moving on and not understanding when I tell them I can't even begin to think about 'moving on' and they tell me I have too... much, much too early. This sometimes feels like a hell that will never end, but I'm writing because somehow I seem to be recovering. I was in a total fog for 3 weeks. 5 days ago it was a good day... then a devistating day.... then two days later another good day.

It seems to help to write to him every day... sometimes for hours. I have a small calendar in the kitchen and I write better day, horrible day, bad day, miserable day, and now I have a 'best day so far' on it. That also seems to help.

Most of all I'm just hoping that by sharing my experience and exactly how I feel right now (some days I feel like I'm going crazy) this will help someone who needs it.

Hugs to all of you.

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Permalink Reply by Daphne vaughn (Anthony's Mom ) on June 18, 2011 at 2:52pm

dearest/ Bella,im so sorry for your loss i lost my son oct 29th2010 so i know all to well how your feeling we all wonder if there was something more we could or should have done and i dont have any answers for that .some days are terrible wonder why im here and hes gone but i believe god has big plans for my son he was about the same age as your husband i will keep you in my prayers big hugs to you Daphne Vaughn

Permalink Reply by marion lang on June 22, 2011 at 10:54am

hi bella i can totally relate to how you feel i to lost my husband 9 weeks ago to suicide he was only 36. It is such a tragedy and total disbelief. I dont think we will ever truly understand the whys? I have 2 daughters who are 12 and 13 and they are the only thing thats keeping me going every day is a rollercoaster of emotions and this will continue for a very long time. Try and be gentle to yourself and take every day or hour as it comes for now. I am sending you big hugs and hope you find the strength to carry on if you ever need to chat please feel free x

Permalink Reply by Lori Voigt on June 25, 2011 at 12:53pm

Hello Bella, I Lost my 1st Husband in March of 2007. If u need someone to talk to I am here for you. He also did have Issues when he took his Life.

Permalink Reply by BellaPiccola on June 25, 2011 at 1:17pm

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I'm struggling deeply and trying to find the new normal whatever that means. It's going to be a long road. I have to travel to another country to visit his family. I am working on my language skills, his parents do not speak English. He left home when he was 18 for school and never lived at home again, living far away in Germany then the US... I don't know how they are dealing with this - they must feel like he is still alive in some ways since he was so far away and they only visited once a year. They have his older brother at home with them - I can only hope that the three of them are finding solace together.

Permalink Reply by Michelle on May 18, 2012 at 5:31pm

Dear BellaPiccola,

I lost my husband almost 12 years ago. He was 37 yrs old when he died. Seems to be a common age for men to die this way. I can tell you that I understand everything you wrote. I wish I could tell you the magic formula for getting through it, but honestly, you just have to take it one day, one moment at a time. We suffered something horribly violent by someone we trusted and loved with all our hearts. Where do you file that in your brain? People who deeply love you, especially husbands, are not supposed to choose to violently harm their wives and children. Most don't. But our husbands were very sick and what they did was wrong, but they were literally out of their minds.

As time has gone on, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was an emotional wreck for a long time, vacillating between throwing all caution to the wind (one extreme) to being afraid of my own shadow (the other extreme). I finally chose to get medical help and treatment has focused on calming me down and helping me with sleep and anxiety plus depression. I feel a lot better and it has helped me climb out of the 3rd basement, so to speak and get on with my life.

Very few friends will understand unless they have had experience first hand with suicide. So, I wouldn't expect them to truly understand. Most of my friends chose to avoid the whole uncomfortable subject by not returning my calls or friendship anymore. But, God will bring you the faithful few who will walk with you when you need someone. Just know that if you do the same thing your husband did, you throw your pain onto those you love and multiply it a hundred fold. Be strong and courageous and ask God to give you strength each day and let it be something you can use to make you a better, stronger human being in the long run. Let your legacy be a good one. If you were close by, I would be your best friend. Take care of yourself today and do something you love to do today!

Permalink Reply by Bethany King on May 23, 2012 at 9:04pm

Hi bella,

I lost my husband on the 30th march, he tried to take his life on the 27th but i got to him and got help but he died in the icu on the 30th.

It was a wonderful day for both of us that tuesday, so happy we were making plans for our future, we were only married 4 months, so to have a great day together and then that afternoon my husband takes his life i just dont get it i cant even comprehend why. Thank you for your post as its how i have been feeling, somedays i wake up and my day starts ok but then i just break down. Im in a nightmare that i just want to wake up from, i want my husband back

Permalink Reply by Jessica Clinard Johnson on July 13, 2012 at 4:19pm

I am so sorry and our story is almost exactly the same it was an hour after our fight when he took his life and my husband was also 36 and I feel so guilty so miserable and so lost if you need me I am here it has been 9 days for me so it's fresh for me but I feel so bad for anyone who has to feel this way you can pm me r anything any time again so sorry for your loss

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