I lost my husband Tim on May 12,2010, we had been married for almost 21yrs. He got himself hooked on crack and became very angry and hostile. I chose to move out last yr 12days before he hung himself in our shed. My biggest regret is leaving our children home with him thinking they would be safe(they didn't want to leave their father).

I know live back in the house and it kills me each and everyday to live here. I cry by myself cause his family blames me and thinks I failed as a wife, mother and human being. I don't really think people understand that these words hurt. I haven't had company in over a year now. Most of what I have known is gone now.

Tim was a wonderful man sober, then the drugs came into play. I'm a nurse who should have seen the signs!!!! Never saw the drugs till it was to late. He would never have done this if he was straight. He was so against suicide(his brother attempted many times and failed).

Nobody talks about him anymore, not that anybody really talks with me now. I have excepted peace and harmony into my life at the beginning of the yr. I still have bad days that my friends and family refuse to discuss. I understand and live life now to the fullest and understand it is what it is; but sometimes I am so lonely it hurts. My husband was my soal mate who lost his soal and took it by his own hands. Does the blame game continue with people, don't they realize I am hurting and my kids are hurting even more than I am. This is our biggest loss!!!!

Was it wrong of me to burn his letter? It was 5pages long and didn't make any sense. I asked my kids what they wanted to do for a funeral and so we burried him in our hometown. His family is beyond upset and didn't even help cause it was my show. Really, people are that shallow. Can't anybody see my kids are the ones who hurt more and need his families support!!!  So,so sad and angry.....

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I sit and ponder by myself as usual, how did I get here? 22yrs ago I was getting ready for marriage. It would have been 22yrs this friday. Your stone isn't even in yet, but they say due in this week. What happened to our lives Tim? How did it get to this point? There are no answers now, just me living and going it alone as usual. You sure did make it permanent for me to take all the burden.----143TMK a whole bunches!
Ann Marie,

I live in Hawaii and have had several really good friends whose husbands got hooked on crack. A lot of the guys who surf here do drugs. The drug has taken over their lives and destroyed their families.
Don't ever blame yourself because of the outcome. I sincerely mourn with those who have lost anyone regardless of the reason. Each soul is so precious. I mourn for those who have made the choices that will now affect so many. I have a friend whose husband fell asleep while smoking and caught their house on fire. The children were asleep and died from smoke inhalation. When my friend got home and discovered the fire burning, the fire dept. Came quickly, put it out and they thought they could save at least one or two of her three children, but all passed away. The damage to their lungs was too great.
She was then left to bury all four of her family members.

The day of the funeral, all three of Pam's children's smiling faces back in the mirror as she was getting ready. This is what sustained her through the tragedy, she knew they were in a beautiful place.
Life is eternal, I encourage you to stand strong in the face of adversity and tragedy. God will make all things right in time. God Bless You, Margo


Margo powell said:
Ann Marie,

I live in Hawaii and have had several really good friends whose husbands got hooked on crack. A lot of the guys who surf here do drugs. The drug has taken over their lives and destroyed their families.
Don't ever blame yourself because of the outcome. I sincerely mourn with those who have lost anyone regardless of the reason. Each soul is so precious. I mourn for those who have made the choices that will now affect so many. I have a friend whose husband fell asleep while smoking and caught their house on fire. The children were asleep and died from smoke inhalation. When my friend got home and discovered the fire burning, the fire dept. Came quickly, put it out and they thought they could save at least one or two of her three children, but all passed away. The damage to their lungs was too great.
She was then left to bury all four of her family members.

The day of the funeral, all three of Pam's children's smiling faces back in the mirror as she was getting ready. This is what sustained her through the tragedy, she knew they were in a beautiful place.
Life is eternal, I encourage you to stand strong in the face of adversity and tragedy. God will make all things right in time. God Bless You, Margo

Thank you Margo, sorry it took me this long to even come back to this site. Many hugs to you.

Margo powell said:

Ann Marie,

I live in Hawaii and have had several really good friends whose husbands got hooked on crack. A lot of the guys who surf here do drugs. The drug has taken over their lives and destroyed their families.
Don't ever blame yourself because of the outcome. I sincerely mourn with those who have lost anyone regardless of the reason. Each soul is so precious. I mourn for those who have made the choices that will now affect so many. I have a friend whose husband fell asleep while smoking and caught their house on fire. The children were asleep and died from smoke inhalation. When my friend got home and discovered the fire burning, the fire dept. Came quickly, put it out and they thought they could save at least one or two of her three children, but all passed away. The damage to their lungs was too great.
She was then left to bury all four of her family members.

The day of the funeral, all three of Pam's children's smiling faces back in the mirror as she was getting ready. This is what sustained her through the tragedy, she knew they were in a beautiful place.
Life is eternal, I encourage you to stand strong in the face of adversity and tragedy. God will make all things right in time. God Bless You, Margo
Dear Ann Marie,

How are you doing? can't believe It's been so long since I responded to your post. Wow, time is just flying by. I hope you and your children are coping with the loss of your husband and their father. So, so very tragic! I hope everything has calmed down for you and you are seeing some normalcy return to your lives.
Remember to keep the faith and when others disappoint you with their lack of compassion and concern, just realize they don't really understand nor could they really know what you are going through.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

God Bless You, Margo

Dear Ann-Marie,

I'm so sorry for your loss, and the pain that you, your children, and your late husband's family continue to experience.  Don't feel bad about missing the signs.  From what I keep being told, it is a common phenomenon, even for those of us who are trained to see them.  We were too close to see them. 

As far as people blaming you, that is a difficult thing to handle, on top of losing your soul mate, on top of losing someone in a violent, traumatic way as suicide.  People seem to need to put responsibility on somebody, thinking it will help relieve their pain.  Ultimately, I don't believe it does, but it still seems to be a course grief takes.  In time as they mend, I hope they will receive more clarity and realize it was not your fault. 

A wise person at NAMI shared with me after my son died that it wasn't me, it was a "system failure."  Suicide is profoundly more complex than for there to be one responsible element, as I'm sure you understand from your nurse's training.  I told her I felt like I was the straw that broke the camel's back and that I didn't think I would ever see it differently, but she reassured me that, in time, it would become clear to me that I wasn't responsible for his death.  There were a lot of factors besides me.  I'm not that powerful!  I'm starting to see it...sometimes.  Then I fall back into my remorseful place again.  But I don't seem to fall as deeply or stay as long.  I go back and forth, in and out of clarity.  However, it feels like the truth of it is working its way down into my heart, and guilt is no longer an every day experience.  I hope sharing my inner experience helps you in some small way. 

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