My 31 year old sister died yesterday and the police found her body today.  She took her own life.  I don't know the details because I don't want to hear them.  She left notes but I don't want to read them.  I still can't believe it, my whole family is numb.  She was the youngest of 4 children.  She was one of my closest friends in addition to being my sister.  She was my maid of honor.  I have a 10 month old baby and she won't even be here for his 1st birthday.  The dumbest things i'm thinking of right now that remind me of her, she was just at my house the other day.  I can't believe she's gone.  My poor parents.  I don't know how to live normally now.  Am I supposed to feel so numb?  I can't believe this is happening.  It's like a nightmare that we can't wake up from.  She's tried 3 other times and this 4th & final time it happened.  I always worried about her, that she would do it again.  Sometimes I resented her secretly because I was always afraid she would kill herself.  Now she has & I just can't process it.  I thank God for my family, especially my husband and my baby.  I hope she's at peace now but she has left this family no peace.  In a way I hope I'm numb to this forever.     

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My heart goes out to you Elaine, and to your parents, as well as your other syblings!! I know you feel you would like to stay numb, and that is a normal reaction, but you will go through some very rough feelings!! It is normal to feel numbness, pain, anger, sadness, and guilt. Your biggest savior will be when you can think of the good times. Come back on this sight often. Talking through what you are feeling helps, and we here all know what you are feeling because we have, and are feeling the same emotions. I lost my 15 yr. old daughter to suicide, and others here have lost their children, parents, spouses, and syblings. I will say a prayer for you and your family!!
Elaine, My heart is broken for you and your family. I wish I could offer a magic pill to help you get through the surreal nightmare that you are experiencing at this time.
Avis is right, you will go through many different emotions as you deal with the grieving process. I not now, later. It seems to be a fact of life. When you love someone deeply, the pain can be that much more unbearable.

I will pray for you and your family. Support one another, talk to one another, and don't try to bury your feelings. Often, people suffer in silence but it really is healthier to express your feelings.

Showing love and kindness to one another is imperative during these initial stages of grief. No one is to blame. The guilt and remorse will torment you. Reaffirm your love and the importance each person around you holds in your heart. Is is very easy for survivors to feel a sense of hopelessness.

This is a wonderful community of caring people trying to reach out, help you heal, and assist you in understanding how to find some type of acceptance as you move forward.

May God truly bless you with His peace that sue assert all understanding.

Love, Margo
I wanted to say the peace God offers surpasses all understanding. My iPad inserts what it wants to say sometimes.

Blessings, Margo
My dear Elaine...As Avis and Margo have said, what you are feelling is perfectly normal.  You may have all of those feelings during a given day.  Some days just one or two.  My daughter took her own life 7 months ago and I am still having good days and bad.  It has been difficult for  me to say the word "suicide" to people.  I don't like that word.  Myself and my 2nd daughter also like you know that she is at peace and yes we have none or very little ourselves.  When you are finally able to think of all the good and fun times you had, some of the burden will be lifted.  Although we all live with what our loved one has done forever, and we will no longer see them in their body, we take heart in knowing that their soul is with us constantly.  You will begin to feel that part of your sister very soon, so be open to all of the surroundings around you.  Just know that there will be a time when she and you and all of your loved ones will be together again.  And the joyous part of that is that there will be no more sorry and unhappiness.  Whatever your sister is seeking, she has found. Perhaps she and my daughter are together and are being sisters to each other until you and Diane meet with them again.  Always remember God doesn't make mistakes and even as bad as it seems, His will is done. Peace to you and your family.

Dear Margo, Avis & Karen,

 

Thank you for your kind words of comfort.  I have a feeling I will be visiting this site a lot.  The numbness is now gone & i'm feeling sorrow, anger, disbelief & grief all at the same time.  This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and our family.  I finally learned how she did it & that's what's upsetting me a lot right now. It was very violent & she absolutely intended it to be fatal.  In a way it makes me feel better b/c it means that I couldn't have done anything to save her.  I'm having a hard time reconciling the beautiful, generous, gentle & kind person I loved as my sister with the one who so selfishly took her own life & left all of us with such terrible pain.  My poor parents are who I feel the worst for.  I feel like I've watched them age overnight.  Catie was my closest confidant, she asked me just this past thursday to be the matron of honor in her wedding.  The reason she did this is because her fiance said they should put wedding plans on hold for a while because she was acting paranoid and manic about him.  So she killed herself in the bathroom of the house that he bought just 2 months ago for them to live together in.  I can't help but feel like she did this just to get back at him.  The other times she attempted it was also over breakups or unrequited love.  Her self esteem was wrapped up entirely in men.  She can't have been thinking clearly and I hope she's at peace, but I also hope she's sorry for what she's putting everyone through. I am so angry at her right now.  Stupid!! Stupid & selfish!! 

 

My heart also goes out to all of you and the loss of your loved ones.  This is why I joined this group right away because I just can't wrap my head around it and know that I'm going to need a lot of support.  I will definitely have to see a therapist soon.  I think our whole family should. Thank you for your thoughts & prayers.  Like I said, I thank God for my husband and baby, and can only hope the grief of this doesn't ruin my other family members.  I am not going to let it ruin me.  I am now going to prepare for her services later this week and all of the awkwardness that it's going to entail.  Please keep me and my family in your prayers. 

The services will not be as awkward as you may think. The people that show up will all have one thing in common with you, They all loved your sister and are broken hearted!! I was able to get through the services by concentrating on helping my daughters friends and helping my remaining daughters cope with their grief and pain. It helps a lot to concentrate on helping others!!


Elaine Tierney said:

Dear Margo, Avis & Karen,

 

Thank you for your kind words of comfort.  I have a feeling I will be visiting this site a lot.  The numbness is now gone & i'm feeling sorrow, anger, disbelief & grief all at the same time.  This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and our family.  I finally learned how she did it & that's what's upsetting me a lot right now. It was very violent & she absolutely intended it to be fatal.  In a way it makes me feel better b/c it means that I couldn't have done anything to save her.  I'm having a hard time reconciling the beautiful, generous, gentle & kind person I loved as my sister with the one who so selfishly took her own life & left all of us with such terrible pain.  My poor parents are who I feel the worst for.  I feel like I've watched them age overnight.  Catie was my closest confidant, she asked me just this past thursday to be the matron of honor in her wedding.  The reason she did this is because her fiance said they should put wedding plans on hold for a while because she was acting paranoid and manic about him.  So she killed herself in the bathroom of the house that he bought just 2 months ago for them to live together in.  I can't help but feel like she did this just to get back at him.  The other times she attempted it was also over breakups or unrequited love.  Her self esteem was wrapped up entirely in men.  She can't have been thinking clearly and I hope she's at peace, but I also hope she's sorry for what she's putting everyone through. I am so angry at her right now.  Stupid!! Stupid & selfish!! 

 

My heart also goes out to all of you and the loss of your loved ones.  This is why I joined this group right away because I just can't wrap my head around it and know that I'm going to need a lot of support.  I will definitely have to see a therapist soon.  I think our whole family should. Thank you for your thoughts & prayers.  Like I said, I thank God for my husband and baby, and can only hope the grief of this doesn't ruin my other family members.  I am not going to let it ruin me.  I am now going to prepare for her services later this week and all of the awkwardness that it's going to entail.  Please keep me and my family in your prayers. 

Elaine, Avis is correct.  It will not be as awkward as it probably seems that it will to you right now.  There were over 400 people to my daughter's.  It brings comfort in the words (and sometimes some of them could not say words--just held me)that they will tell you, about how the love of  your sister was for them.  My daughter hung herself, and that was very difficult for me to tell anyone and for me to cope.  I don't know how she knew how to do it that way.  Her suicide was also for the loss of her husband's love, which he had stopped giving her more that 20 years ago.  He cheated on her when she was pregnant with their child.  There only child and he passed away on Dec 27, 2008.  That loss plus a filandering husband apparently threw her over the edge.  And we all thought she was doing OK.  Apparently not so.  I had talked with her on Thursday.  By Saturday evening she was gone.  She talked with several people on Saturday, included the dead beat husband who divorced her in 2010.  Many of us tried to tell her he wasn't worth her life, but she would not listen. They had been high school sweethearts and he NEVER loved her the way she wanted or should have been loved.  She could not see that. My other daughter, Marlene's only sibling is struggling much like you.  We still have our days, as you will too, but it will get easier.  Not better but easier.  Unfortunately, we will all suffer the rest of lives withought them.  But we will be reunited with them....Keep faith and continue to pray for guidance and healing.  As Avis says, we here have all been through the same as you are going thru.  We can truly say "we understand".   Hang tight to your husband and child.  They will be your strength.  And the rest of your family also.  And don't forget to take care of yourself and remember it is OK to laugh, cry, be angry, sad or whatever the moment may be.    Love  Karen

 

Elaine, Avis is correct.  It will not be as awkward as it probably seems that it will to you right now.  There were over 400 people to my daughter's.  It brings comfort in the words (and sometimes some of them could not say words--just held me)that they will tell you, about how the love of  your sister was for them.  My daughter hung herself, and that was very difficult for me to tell anyone and for me to cope.  I don't know how she knew how to do it that way.  Her suicide was also for the loss of her husband's love, which he had stopped giving her more that 20 years ago.  He cheated on her when she was pregnant with their child.  There only child and he passed away on Dec 27, 2008.  That loss plus a filandering husband apparently threw her over the edge.  And we all thought she was doing OK.  Apparently not so.  I had talked with her on Thursday.  By Saturday evening she was gone.  She talked with several people on Saturday, included the dead beat husband who divorced her in 2010.  Many of us tried to tell her he wasn't worth her life, but she would not listen. They had been high school sweethearts and he NEVER loved her the way she wanted or should have been loved.  She could not see that. My other daughter, Marlene's only sibling is struggling much like you.  We still have our days, as you will too, but it will get easier.  Not better but easier.  Unfortunately, we will all suffer the rest of lives withought them.  But we will be reunited with them....Keep faith and continue to pray for guidance and healing.  As Avis says, we here have all been through the same as you are going thru.  We can truly say "we understand".   Hang tight to your husband and child.  They will be your strength.  And the rest of your family also.  And don't forget to take care of yourself and remember it is OK to laugh, cry, be angry, sad or whatever the moment may be.    Love  Karen

 

Dear Elaine,
You are obviously a very strong woman. Your strength will be needed during this difficult time, especially by your parents, losing a child to suicide is the most devastating thing parents can go through. Many marriages can't survive it.
Please remember to also give your son and husband the love and attention they need. Your son may be really confused at what he is seeing and feeling. Even though he is very young he is also going to be aware of the hurt you are all feeling. He is going to be a great asset in helping you all get through this.
He is your reminder of how life is really so beautiful and needs to be cherished every single moment.

I am certain your sister is suffering beyond anything you can imagine, we need to pray for her soul, as well! Such decisions are made without full knowledge of the consequences and / or heartache it will cause.

Her fiancé will suffer a great deal of guilt, it will be important that you let him know you don't blame him.
I don't mean to sound callous but Catie made this decision and unfortunately for every one you have been brought to a place you never imagined. Keep a healthy perspective on life and the living. Remember
to put your attention on all the good things in your life. Grief can consume you and even know it is going to be a process to regain the joy you had in your life prior to Catie's passing.

Remember most of all, God is there to carry you when you can't imagine even going one step further.
At those moments, please stop and offer a prayer. Ask for the peace you will desperately be seeking. he is faithful, he says all we need to do is rely upon his strength.

Unfortunately, none of us can manufacture away our pain and suffering. This is like a purifying fire, once you have passed through it, great blessing will be bestowed upon you.

I would also like say that we are all going to live for eternity, the scripture say" the Lord makes all things beautiful in His time. We will all be together someday and at that time all things will be made known to us and we will, only then, understand all of the dynamics of any given situation

My heartfelt prayers are going out to you, your family, friends and Catie's fiancé.

May you have the courage, strength and peace to get through this extremely difficult phase before any healing can begin.

Much love,

Margo
Elaine,
I'm sure that I echo what others in the group would say when I express that we send our love, our genuine thoughts of concern and prayers your way.

I wish I could put my arms around you and comfort you. We really care about you and love you!!!

Blessings,

Margo
I know how much the way she died is eating away at you. My daughter shot herself, I found her and my husband was at home and came running when I started screaming. I am so glad her sister was not there to see it. I used to hunt, but cannot stand the sound of a gun now. Whatever you do try not to dwell on her death, but remember her as she was the last day you saw her!! Keep pictures of her on hand to look at often!! Feel free to email me at anytime at meemawilson@yahoo.com
My heart aches for you and wish I were near you to comfort you in person!!
Elaine Tierney said:

Thank you all for your encouraging and wise words.  My sister slit her own throat.  I don't know how many people I can actually say that to.  The image of the way she died is too great for me to bear.  I did read her note and it said that she just felt she had suffered for too long (21 years, her words) and that all she saw for her future was more suffering.  She said she had been given every opportunity to have a good life but she squandered it away.  She said we should be happy for her because now she's free.  She also mentioned the night terrors she's had for several years where she hears knocking on the walls, old timey music playing and people screaming in her ears and the feeling of being dragged off of her bed.  I feel terrible for her fiance, if it wasn't him it would have been another man, another time.  She said that if she hadn't killed herself now she would have just kept trying and trying.

 

The numbness is back and I welcome it.  Thank you for your prayers.  I take solace in the love of the people around me, especially my family.  I will take solace in all of the messages from her friends on facebook.  I will take solace in the comfort I receive from you fine women in this support group.  My baby is already bringing joy to our family, even in the midst of this tragedy.  She wanted her "fat, ugly, bloated body" donated to science but we just can't bring ourselves to do that.  She will be cremated.  She mentioned the crushing debt that she had from the expensive art school she went to (around $100,000) that she is sure will be forgiven due to her death.    

 

Thank you all, I will continue to pray & will remain strong for my family, especially my parents.  My mother has either checked in to her "happy place" or is incredibly angry.  She vacillates.  She is already suffering signs of alzheimers and has been so in a way, I hope she spends more time in her happy place.    

 

Love,

Elaine

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